Commitment

I should be typing away....in a mad flourish of fingers hitting the keyboard....but I am kind of drained. I did quite a bit of crying. I talked to Nick tonight. It started out bumpy...ended okay...but not great. He was not happy. He was not mad at me. He knew this could happen....could. It will be a year on the 9th of August...so I am sure he has to have felt some security that I have hung around this long...and that I would continue as it has for a year.

I am not even sure what tonight solved or did...but I had to tell Nick what was going on.

Nick does not have a commitment to me....nothing said out loud....nothing formal....but he knew exactly how I placed him in my life. He and I had a talk of where the line is....things that are acceptable and things that are not. I crossed that line yesterday. And that is what I told him. I told him more then that...more details.

Tuesday changed everything. And he knows that. Before Tuesday he could have said do such and such and I would have done it for him happily...but...now....I am not me anymore. I know that sounds so strange when I type that but it is how it feels.

I did not expect this to happen.

Changing subject slightly.....

Monseigneur E and Aydeen chatted today. Yesterday, she was a little mad...at him...about him....which he and I talked about and she and I talked about. She did not understand that I have known Monseigneur E longer then I have had this journal. And that it has been discussed in the past that I "try" with him and Linda....but a couple of reasons have always stopped me/us....2 that are the same reasons we have right now but....we are just kind of accepting and changing I guess. So, it is not like he is just some Dominant I talk to....he is a trusted friend. And he is someone that can make that dream...of what I really want to feel when being owned....come true. Aydeen said I have glowed for 2 days now. She now after hearing that Monseigneur E has gotten to know me for quite some time....and hearing more things about him...she is very happy for me and does not want me to back out or try to talk myself out of going to see him. She told me today basically that this is the dream...I have been searching for....all my life. And as she says things like that I take 2 steps back...arms length. :)

He is not going to let me continue to do that....hold him at arms length. He will not let me hide, deny, avoid or run either....I learned today that I can't hide....oh how much fun I had in learning...that lesson. Gawd lets hope I learned that lesson! :) While he was talking to Aydeen....I was dying of embarrassment and told him something that I felt like doing to hide. And he told me to DO IT! OMG! I hesitated...which...I see clearly in my head how that won't be accept with him in person....and what will happen then...scared. I am very scared.

After I was done doing what I had to do, I sat down Thanked him for my lesson. And then...started to do some writing...and also talked to Linda because she enjoyed what I had to do as much as Aydeen even though Aydeen got to enjoy it....in person. *rolling my eyes* As I was chatting with Linda about just stuff...little girl stuff actually....I started to get mad. And then more and more angry. I did not like that feeling or understand. The only conclusion I can come to....is that he won again!

He and I discussed the anger. He is good. He is firm....controlling....does not back down....but he does not want me to get hurt. He wanted to figure out the anger.

Change of subject of course....

Thinking of Nick...and Monseigneur E...and confused.