Saying No

"Karma is not something complicated or philosophical. Karma means watching your body, watching your mouth, and watching your mind. Trying to keep these three doors as pure as possible is the practice of karma." --Lama Thubten Yeshe, "The Bliss of Inner Fire"

I like that a lot. It explains karma to me. Same thing happens in D/s....the structure....if I watch my body, my mouth and my mind...trying to keep them as pure as possible...I will serve my Owner well....*soft smile* my future Owner.

As I am not owned right now....even though after today....parts of me feels headed that direction even though I am keeping myself pulled back at the same time. Arms length....I keep repeating my head.

Today the computer had a blip...I thought I fell offline on AIM, so I asked Monseigneur E if I was here...meaning was I online. And he said that he could take that a few different ways...he was right in that moment he could have...by the end of the conversation it mostly was yes Sir's. Obedient and compliant. And I wondered where I went...:)

Have you ever seen a game where the one side just looks like they are in control and then something happen and in a blur of motion and action all of sudden their power is taken away. That is what happened to me today.

Monseigneur E and Linda have wanted me to visit. And I have wanted to visit them. Mostly as a trip for fun and just play...but not anymore. Anyway, with things that are going on in Cleveland....financially/emotionally/physically....I was not going to be able to see them. And yesterday one of them said they were looking into plane tickets for me. I said that I could not accept that. Well, today I was told not to argue. And being who I am....I did. And anyone that knows how I describe Monseigneur E, knows that did not go over well at all. Lets just say I am a very lucky little girl.....not to have been standing before him when I said no.

From that moment....of saying no....and him not taking "NO" for an answer...it just went on and on and all of sudden....I have rules and know what it is going to be like from now until when I visit them. And what will happen if I become his slave. I have typed and erased those words as I don't want to read them or hear them or admit them.

It is a blur today.....

How did that happen? :)

Once a long time ago in my journal I wrote that with Monseigneur E that it did not feel like I have choice. Obviously I have choice to get on the plane to go see them....I can do it or not. But there is this little part of me that....can't resist. Muscles move reacting to him and then my brain kicks in and say STOP....question, fight, be stubborn.  And that is what I do. Really it only happened 2 times during the convo but at least I did not say "no Sir" more then just the one time.

We talked about Nick. I am going to see Monseigneur E and it is going to be "trial" visit.....with a possible fill in the blank of what happens...if that goes good? I care for Nick deeply. I care for Monseigneur and Linda.....but the level of feelings for both men are so different. I have a love feeling for Nick. And it is....not sure how to describe the feeling that I have with Monseigneur E. It is connected to my submission. Where my feelings for Nick have nothing to really do with D/s. Take the D/s away and I would still love him. Take the D/s from Monseigneur E and I would not be in the position I was today.

My mind is racing and to top it off now....both Aydeen and myself are sick. I have thrown up 2 times and she has been sick too. I have the starts of a migraine and just feeling more and more awful....going to go rest...and hopefully slow my mind down.