Living Situation

Yesterday Aydeen and I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant. I had spicy beef noodles; it was really good! They looked like they had a lot of good things on their menu. Then we went to a museum that had an exhibit of Chinese Artistry…mostly Jade pieces. It was very interesting. The pieces were very elaborate....full of tiny detail. After that we went to see Lord of the Rings, since I had not seen it before. I liked it. I read the books in junior high but was not overly thrilled with them so was not sure how I would like the movie. But it was a pretty good movie. Not sure I liked that it just ended…but I know they have 2 more coming out. So, they had to pick a place to end it.

I am pretty much avoiding writing today. I keep distracting myself with surfing on the web. I have time to kill today which is fine with me as I got my period last night and so my first full day of my period is always awful.

After our full day yesterday…I ended up getting online late evening…and I chatted with Monseigneur E and Linda. I had a nice talk with both of them. Both asked within minutes of each other about me visiting them. I wish I could go straight from Memphis to KC but I can’t afford it right now.

This morning I chatted with Kam online for just a few moments and my stress level went through the roof. And it was just minutes. I did my usual...try to be there for him as much as I could and did not let on that I was sitting here crying because of the stress. I did not realize how much stress I have had in my life lately....really until I was chatting with him. I realized how much I am able to let go and forget about things when I am here. I have lots of things to be thinking about and I am not really thinking about any of them. Which might be good…just think about nothing right now so that I am free to focus when I get back.

Anyway trying to let go of that stress now and that is why I think I was trying to distract myself with surfing instead of writing.

As I said I am reading the Market Place series right now….book one. And I don’t feel I really relate to any of the characters. Some parts of a few of them I do…but I don’t think I could “live” the market place lifestyle. As much as I have dreamed about it and wanted it all my life, I admitted that to myself though probably about 2 years ago, I am much to selfish….and wanting my needs taken care of that I just don’t think I could do the market place. They would be sending me away. That makes me sad to think about it.

I am going through that wondering if I am really submissive at all….could I be enslaved? I just am so confused right now.

When I think of being with Nick….serving him….and when I think of Monseigneur E and serving him…it feels very good. I get nervous and scared but I also can’t wait. There is more fear with Monseigneur E and more love and caring when I think of Nick. I think of Nick and serving…is starting to come from that place that cares about him and wants to show him how I care by being a good submissive to him. My wanting to serve Monseigneur E….not sure where that comes from lol really I am serious. It is respect. It is like there is not a choice. There is….obviously I can say no. But it seems like a hard word to be said to him.

Aydeen and I just were talking about my living situation. And it was a hard talk. I could write a book about everything going on at home and all the stresses. I don’t want to have to deal with it but not going to get around it. I just hope that when the time is right that the answers come. Because right now I feel like I don’t have many answers. Or maybe I am just not seeing them.

I did the cube to Aydeen and then Sir Laz yesterday evening. It was interesting to see. I always like seeing/hearing others Cube. : ) I think Lisa’s was the most interesting so far (grin). I need to write her as I think I am going to be in town August 4th.

I am really down today…and overly emotional and I am sure it I has to do with the fact that I have my period. I just am thinking about all these things in my life and getting more and more stressed and upset. Guess I need to go and read some of the Market Place and get turned on instead of upset : )