Cried

I am up and should be in bed. My mind is spinning out of control right now. I have put some of my feelings/walls back in place to help me with how I was feeling today but some of it is still out there. Aydeen helped me release some of the things I was feeling. I started to cry. I could have cried a lot more but....I don't like to cry.

I am thinking how things are going to change when I get back to Cleveland specifically my lack of control of my life. As I think about how it will be there, I become very anxious because it seems even stricter then it is now. When I think of it....it feels like I can't breath...the walls closing in around me. I just know Cleveland is going to be very very stressful for me. And that stress will cause me to want me to have my old patterns/house and things that help keep me sane. And control of my life is one of them. So, to not have control of anything....it seems at this moment....feels very intense and scary.

I was questioning today...going through things in my head trying to grasp at things I have control of and really I do...but I don't. There are some boundaries that have not been set....but it seems that if I question or need to do something in that area...that I should ask him.

Am I making sense today?

Feel like lately the only person that should understand me is me....I reading back some emails I have sent this week. And you can see so much...my brain and fingers were on 2 different pages…where my fingers were typing something totally different then what went my brain. Wondering how anyone has made sense of what I have been writing.:)

Lots of things flying through this head...I think I am going to get a headache....doubts if...I can do/be, compatibility is a big thing going through my mind, attraction, sex, control, Monseigneur E, Linda, Cleveland, Moni, Katrina - missing everyone, things I have to do when I get back, Mistress DM, food, weight, Nick, Todd, Kam....a thought comes in and then leaves and then another maybe on same subject or not. It just is going and going...actually it is like many are going on at the same time. I hear/see/think several all at once. It is very annoying...so I am going to go masturbate and try to slow everything down....it usually helps lol