Don't Judge Each Day

I went to bed about 11:30 I think…my clock in my room is unplugged at the moment. And now I am up. No nightmare…even….just woke up actually with a very erotic dream and then could not get back to sleep.

This past week has been slower for me and I really needed it….especially since I had 2 asthma attacks and a migraine that lasted about 36 hours.

I have talked to Nick a few times this week. I am really holding him at arms length. When I talk to him, I put him in “good friend” category. He is someone I still want to be with but I am not thinking about when that will be. And how it will be as I did before. Our talks are just talks of this and that…politics, teasing, my social schedule, his schedule, and so on. He’s date to enter the academy is postponed for now…long story short…the city does not have money to send him right now. So, he is working on other options right now.

I was just writing an email to someone I care about…and in it I was telling her of some things in my life. And I talked of Monseigneur E and Linda. I then remembered admitting to this person 2 years ago (probably almost to the month)…my feelings for Monseigneur E and Linda. And that was weird realizing I have basically felt this way for 2 years and pushed it aside.

I asked Monseigneur E his birthday this week…I realized in all this time I have known him that I never asked. I knew Linda’s…always remember her birthday because it is a day after Di’s. So she is a Scorpio. And found out Monseigneur E is a Libra. It surprised me. I told him it surprised me because he was not neurotic. LOL We then had an interesting conversation about that…and that being neurotic is easier then being happy basically for me.

I read each of the descriptions for Monseigneur E and Linda in this astrology birthday book I have…and it pretty much described each of them. Linda’s I felt was more on it then Monseigneur E’s.

There are a bunch of people I know going to Thunder in the Mountain’s…a BDSM event. And I am wishing I could be there to see them all. Ohio Leather Fest is the end of August and I would love to go to it but I know I will not be able to swing that. It is way more expensive this year.

Ideal…to go to an event with someone…who I am in a relationship with….some type of relationship. I just can’t picture going by myself. I can go to SMART and Carpe Diem by myself but an event weekend just does not seem fun without sharing it with someone.

I woke up this morning thinking of someone else. Why is it that I can clearly tell someone what I want…what I seek…what I need and yet then the moments of cravings, thoughts of need for humiliation…I want to throw out the rational sane person I am?

I feel very alone right now. I have been so busy that I have not felt that feeling in actually a very long time. I would say months…I don’t even remember when I felt it last. Wow that is saying a lot for me LOL

I just looked out the window…the horizon is getting that nice orangish haze…it is making the sky look…almost a muted aqua blue. Interesting colors….

Better go back to bed…so I can function tomorrow….

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. - Robert Louis Stevenson