Dirty Girl

I have been spring cleaning. Today I got really sweaty and gross so after cleaning went to take a shower.  Master came in and pissed on me. He does that every so often so that wasn't really anything I am not used too. I see the door of the shower open, he takes out his cock and pisses all over me.  I love the feeling of his piss hitting my body. Even when I am not on my knees, but just standing taking a shower - I enjoy the sensation and feelings it creates. He is marking his property. He is also reminding me he can do anything to do me even piss on me. I mean here I was almost done with the shower - almost ready to shut it off because I was all soapy clean and he comes and pisses on me. I love that feeling (most of the time), that makes me feel like he has no regard for my feelings or what is going on with me. I did put the most of the time in brackets because well it is a love/hate relationship - sometimes it makes me feel so good and other times is just annoys the crap out of me. Either way though - I have to accept and obey and I like that. (Post on accepting coming tomorrow.) I like that we have this dynamic.

So back on topic - Master pissed on me. I was looking kind of down after he finished - just kind of floating in the feeling of being pissed on when he suddenly slapped me. A hard slap on my wet face.  My cheek instantly went hot and red. He slapped me several times and called me names - dirty slut and bitch.

I stood pushing into his hand.  It is like I cling to the feelings and if his hand pulls away - it gives me that tingle of it might happen again - but also the feeling that it might not and I loved the feeling of his hand hitting my face. I love the feeling of the heat spreading through me.  I love knowing he can do that to me anytime.

It was just a few minutes in my whole day but it made me like I am the luckiest slave ever to have someone who loves to hurt me in the middle of a mundane day of cleaning.

Little Moments Mean So Much

Today I went to take a shower and Master came in to piss on me while in the shower. After we kissed, he took me by the hair and shoved me under the water in a way that I was sputtering and trying to get some air in. He let go of my hair and shoved my body against a wall in the shower and started to punch and slap my tits and then slapped my cunt. He kissed me again and then left me to finish my shower - quite weak kneed.

The Feeling of Golden Showers

I was reading the watersports group on FetLife and it made me think about my very first golden shower.

It was amazing. It was before Master and with previous owner. We really didn't play with limits in place but when I filled out the bdsm checklist I put watersports as something I wasn't really interested in but would do it. And drinking urine I really didn't want to do at all but would because I am a slave. The thought of it though grossed me out and at that time I felt if I never experienced it I wouldn't be missing out on anything (boy was I wrong on that.) But my previous owner liked Golden Showers so I knew eventually it would be an area I experience.

I remember that day so clearly even now. He told me to kneel in the bathtub. I remember being so nervous my legs felt like they were going to give out on me as I climbed into the tub and knelt. My hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering even though I wasn't cold. I was just nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect but I thought it would be gross and degrading. His stream started and I felt the warmth of the urine hit me. I felt these feelings come up. It was like a gush of emotion coming to the surface. And then surprising myself and him - I just instinctively opened my mouth. I felt submissive - deeply submissive in the moment. I was flying. I felt the warmth hit my body....my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have his taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. He looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It sent me spinning and flying further. I knelt there shaking now for totally different reasons after it was done. I looked down at my body seeing the urine still dripping down my body. Felt my long hair sticking to my head and body. I couldn't stand. I couldn't move. I just sat there. He started the shower for me and it took me a while before I could stand up and wash.

Since that first golden shower - I have had varying feelings but mostly a calm comes over me as soon as the urine hits my body. But I really believe it is the context of the golden shower that the feelings follow. Another play partner I was involved with right before I meeting Master, made me feel degraded and dirty when he gave me golden showers. To that point in my experiences with golden showers though they never felt that way. He just did it in ways that made me feel like a dirty whore. And that degradation turned me on just as much as that first one turned me on.

The golden showers I have had from Master have been all over - from humiliating to bring me to the calm - and even humorous where we both are laughing and playing. We have pictures of one golden shower he was giving me and it is very obvious I am laughing in them.

Before my first golden shower though I thought watersports would make me feel dirty and degraded but that first one and many since haven't felt that way at all. I felt submission, love, pride. I always feel nervous before they start but most of the time a calm washes over me. I still have problems not having noodle legs after a golden shower - no matter the context of it. They make me weak in the knees and almost always a little spacey.


(previous entry on golden showers -- from Master's view as well as mine. And had some links on the bottom of the entry about golden showers)

May I go to the bathroom Master?

Last week while I was on the phone with my favorite girlie, I needed to go to the bathroom as we had been talking almost 2 hours. So I went to Master's office and mouthed "may I go to the bathroom?" And he got this evil look in his eye and big smile on his face and said "oh no." Girlie is in the lifestyle and knows of the dynamic I have with Master.
He explained to me I needed to ask -- out loud. I was squirming needing to go to the bathroom but also because I would have to ask and girlie would hear me asking to go to the bathroom. I knew he wouldn't say yes until I asked out loud. I stood there a moment stuttering and blushing. Standing in the doorway to his office I was wiggling and crossing my legs like a 6 year old needing to "go potty." And I squeaked out, "May I go to the bathroom Master?" He said yes.

Having just that little bit of interaction with someone outside our dynamic -- turned me on. It was a nice little spark of something different and it was fun.

Today a good friend of mine posted about a play party she attended and was used like a slut. It reminded me of play parties I attended when I lived in Ohio. It turned me on and made me miss having that interaction with others. But....I know that because of the isolation I have had that it would be hard for me to be as I once was in public settings. I know I would be terribly shy. I mean I was shy before but it is a different kind of shy now.

Love/hate relationships -- I want to interact with others in the lifestyle publicly but I am not sure I could relax like I did when I lived in Ohio.

Drinking Golden Wine

Old offline journal entry again...

I have had thoughts of my mouth opening up and feeling his cock...slide in and feel the hot stream of urine....shoot down my throat and swallowing as fast as I can. Feeling my heart racing and that ache between my legs grow. When I think of it I think of it different ways....sometimes desperate for it...begging him to let me drink. Other times where I don't want to and know I have to....and his hands on the side of my face....forcing me to him. Other times of drinking demurely obediently and being told I am a good girl. The other times spilling some and being slapped so hard I fall back and then kicked.

He had me play with myself...he believes things have progressed beyond suggestions. He has told me to play with myself and I did discreetly....to orgasm thinking of the very thought that I wrote above. He then said again because it took too long. His words embarrassed me but turned me on too.

So with thoughts of him pissing in my mouth...feeling the warmth of it in my mouth...to used in this way.....I masturbate again for him.

Just as it is....

This might be a tmi post....talking about urinating on myself/golden showers.

We have protocols that are there always....they are there just part of us and our movements. They don't alter or hesitate...they are just there. Such as I have to wait for Master to give me permission to eat. I walk on Master's right side (because that is where he can hear me better). I have to ask permission to get a diet coke or eat anything while he is at home. Of course it took time for them to just be part of my movements but now I do them almost without thinking. As I said they are just there.

So Master and I have a shower ritual* that we haven't been able to do in a while, but when we weren't able to do that he started kind of another one that is pretty much not a ritual but a standard part of my day. It is that as soon as the shower turns on and I step in...he liked to watch me piss on myself and he likes how I react to it. Often he would piss on me at the same time. So I now almost as soon as the shower turns on I am ready to - go.

A few weeks ago I was doing dishes and noticed that every night I almost always have to go the bathroom when doing dishes and thought it was just the running of the water. But when I do dishes early in the day it usually doesn't happen so I didn't quite understand. But then a few nights ago I was doing the dinner dishes and noticed that....they require the use of the sprayer. As soon as I turned the sprayer on I had to go. It then clicked into place...that it is the sprayer...it sounds like the shower.

I hands on hip, stomp into Master's office saying..."You're evil, just evil!" He turns to look at me like this better be good...knowing I am saying it in a playful voice. I then proceeded to explain that I using the sprayer sounds like the shower and thus I have to go to the bathroom. I then said, "May I go the bathroom?" And he smiled that smile that said he has sadistic thoughts going through his head and said, "Well an evil Master would say no." And I started to say...."bbbuuutttt...." Master said, "Maybe you should tell me how nice I am....." I proceeded to of course tell him what a wonderful Master he is because at that point I really really had to go! He said yes to me after my sucking up...thank goodness!!


* shower ritual description is in this link towards the middle of the post

Golden Showers

This was this months SMART Essay...thought I would share it here...

He said:
"A golden experience."

Now before everyone turns to the next page, let's consider that this is one of those "unmentionable" themes to ponder, much less discuss openly with others. Golden showers has such a stigma attached to them, even admitting that you have a desire to be the pee'ee or the pee'er, brands you into some sort of undesirable category. The topic itself is a difficult subject to broach.

So what does it mean to pee on someone?

Once you work beyond the "ew" factor, there's a strange empowerment begins. The first mental obstacle, however is to be able to insure the safety of the participants involved. Even though the perception that urine is relatively clean, it's always best to understand your partner's biological health before engaging in such play just as you would having unprotected sex or some other type of fluid exchange activities. As with any other fluid exchange possibilities - disclose, talk and mutually agree on the level of play.

I never really considered golden showers before I met danae. It was one of those activities that seemed to fall down the scale on my checklist - mainly because of the stigma that I just mentioned. It just didn't seem like a necessary activity. However as time went on, I started pondering it more. I could see an appeal and I became anxious to try it. I saw a level of exchange that made me very curious.

The first time for me was the hardest. After all, the act itself defies a lot of social morality as the mental implications for urinating on another person is a sign of disrespect, of lowered value or consideration. That fact alone would probably be enough to cause anyone to have a shy bladder, but it was different experience and one that would take awhile for me to get used to.

Then the internal mechanism began clicking…

It became primal. Animalistic. Dirty.

Then came the excitement. Then the rituals began. As soon as I saw the product of what happened once the act was concluded, the inner Dominance swelled satisfactorily. Namely I observed danae in a level of subspace, defiant to try to scurry away from the dirty urine, but held in restraint while sitting on the floor of the shower.

Gasping.

Euphorically absorbed in the moment.

Grabbing her hair (a favorite of hers) while urinating all over her hair, her face, her neck, and body - almost instantly converts her into an oblivious head space where reason does not exist; helpless to do anything in resistance. Moaning incoherently. Unable to focus or as she puts it: "feeling fuzzy." And while it's important to note that not everyone will respond the same way, I found my own personal experience to be exhilarating. The best way to describe it is non-consensual consent. It was feeling the resistance, yet knowing that danae was accepting her role in the matter.

Hence - the feeling of non-consensual consent.

It's a form of resistance play for us, but accomplished in such a way where no real bondage was employed, or whips in action.

I finish my shower as she struggles to rationalize what she's thinking, how she's feeling. She looks as though she were thoroughly used, exhausted and spent. As I get out of the shower, she remains sitting on the floor, bobbing her torso ever so slightly as she tries to regain her senses. I carefully ensure that she's going to be able to stand up and finish her shower - rinsing off smell and the feeling of the urine. Almost liberating her of sorts.

The ritual gently reinforces the structure of our relationship on a daily basis. It's something we share and we both get something out of it. While it may not be an activity for everyone, the act of golden showers is at least a different endeavor that routinely gets shoved into the edgier side of the lifestyle equation.

She said:
It seems like such a taboo topic for most to even discuss, but I guess to me it's just another fetish. Pissing, peeing, urinating - regardless of the word choice, is widely considered to be "unclean" as the perception is created our childhood. So how does a bathroom activity that we've been doing since birth become a fetish?

It's widely defined for the practice of passing bladder fluid onto another.

Many people associate it with being "unclean." Yet, when you break it down, I think the fluid itself makes people a little squeamish. But at the same time because it is "unclean" - makes it all the more appealing. The image generates feelings of humiliation, naughtiness, arousal, power or it can be warm and caring. I have found that it just depends on how the scene is going though what type of feeling I get from them.

I remember way way way back when I did not want to ever experience a golden shower. I never listed as a limit just something I was not interested in - but would do if it was the Top's/Dominant's kink.

I still remember my first one very fondly. It was much different then I always envisioned a Golden Shower. It not only felt different but my reaction to it was different then I expected. And it instantly became a fetish.

While I don't remember the context in which I received the golden shower during the scene, I just remember trembling as I kneeled in the bathtub. I remember being scared and not sure I was up for this but knew it was something I needed to get through for my Dominant to please him.

As I kneeled, I felt myself surrender to the power of him standing before me. I remember thinking "he can do anything - even piss on me." And then the warmth of his piss hit my skin...splashing across my belly, my breasts. I felt caring. I felt a connection. I felt intimacy. I felt pride in being his submissive. I felt as though I was being marked as his territory in that moment. It felt arousing, exhilarating and possessive all at the same time. I opened my mouth (something I never thought I would do) and he aimed towards my mouth. I drank some and the power of it…of what he was doing to me washed over me much like the urine washing over my body. Everything went fuzzy. I was zoning…going to subspace.

Golden showers since then have been just as erotic, powerful and intimate as that first one. With Master we have a ritual in which they are done creating and even deep meaning to them. The power of the ritual makes puts me in a deeply surrendered state that I float on for hours after.

I don't expect everyone to have such positive experiences with Golden Showers, but I do think that just because it might not "sound" appealing does not make it that way when you actually experience it. Golden Showers can be very erotic, powerful, and intimate.

Here are a few more links that talk about Golden Showers, as there is not a lot of information out there about them:

The Training Guide to Water Sports
The Fluid Side of SM
Piss Play
Watersports

© within Reality: Michael & danae 2005 - all rights reserved

Music: Depeche Mode, Linkin Park, Staind, Puddle of Mudd, Sixpence None the Richer, Billie Myers and many more on the mix
Topic: Sex and well a little more then just sex *smiles*

This is the first morning I have not been chained to the bed – that is because He wanted me to do something at 11am. It was odd. It was odd because I have been chained the last 2 mornings. My mind is spinning I had a nightmare about Todd. So now that I am done doing the task assigned to me, I have put some music in, got a diet coke (with His permission) and then decided to write for a while before I do a tarot reading on myself. (This entry was started about 11:15am.)

Yesterday morning He fucked me. I was chained and so could only open legs so wide and just pushed them open taking me. It felt so good to have Him in me. So YUMMY! blushing

It is harder for me to orgasm vaginally, but just the pure excitement of feeling of Him in me and taking me roughly made me beg to orgasm right away.

After our morning afterglow we got up and went on with our routine. Before leaving for work He chained me to His bed again to slow me down…remind me where I am and who I am…now. By the time He came home for lunch I needed to go to the bathroom badly. My chain leads into the bathroom, but not to the toilet. He was amused that I had to go and said that He should have left me on the chain. He told me I could have used the Big McDonald’s cup in the bathroom…of course I wanted to die and go hide. I am lucky I was not chained today as I had to go a few times in the cup this morning.

It felt so odd to not be chained this morning.

Okay – back to day-to-day stuff of Tuesday….

I got to call girlie while He was at work as she going through some tests on Monday and I wanted to see how she was doing after them. We talked for a while. She was doing okay. We talked about how things are going here. She is very happy for me.

Oh I forgot when He came home for lunch on Tuesday, He came home with coloring books and crayons for His little girl! That was so cool. He is so great! He is very good to me. I am a lucky little girl!

For some reason I am having trouble letting little girl out. Not sure if it just the right time yet or is that part of me so hurt I am just a scared she will get hurt again? Maybe…

Last night I made a chicken and stuffing casserole with green beans and white chocolate pudding for dessert. It is a dish I make and everyone always likes. It is easy but tastes great. I am having problems getting used to His oven though…everything takes longer. I am worrying how my cornbread is going to turn out.

We watched Buffy last night. It was a really good episode – cleared up some questions that were being answered on the Buffy yahoo groups. After Buffy, I was sitting on the floor in front of Him and He put His hand over my mouth and pinched my nose closed. He did similar breath play things over and over. And I got in my fuzzy fun space (Not subspace – just kind of gooey and fuzzy.) Then He sent me to clean up the kitchen while He had some computer work to do. We did a few more things before heading to bed.

I am not sure how to explain what went on last night…when we went to bed or even how it started. I thought we were just going to go bed to go to sleep but we talked about a journal entry I wrote yesterday during the day….

This entry:

This morning You asked me what I was thinking about and I did not want to answer. I am feeling on edge because I have lots of dark desires coming out. I dreamed of the article You sent me on breaking down a captive. I thought of some of those things being done to me by You. I thought of You slapping me. Thoughts of You taking me roughly by my hair, pushing me over the bed and fucking my ass. Thoughts of You touching me with a gloved hand and telling me how dirty I am. Thoughts of rubbing my clit hard bringing me close to the edge and then backing off – denying me pleasure. Making the slut in me come out and beg for You to touch me. You do, but You don’t let me orgasm – telling me – I have to hump Your leg before You let me. You touch more and back off just when I am near orgasm and begging, sobbing that I want that orgasm so badly. You fuck me and use me, but don’t allow me to cum and finally I beg to hump Your leg. Images are strong, intense and flashing before my eye….more images….of being set up to fail and punished, being put in blindfold, gag, ear plugs, wrist and ankle restraints lying on the floor in the living room with You watching TV using me as a footstool. I floated into the blackness – emptying everything out of my mind. Just a safe darkness that I can let go of everything.

After we talked about the above entry, He started to play with my cunt. He would take His fingers and dip them into my wetness and then bring them to my face….pushing them up to my nose to smell. He then wiped them on my face telling me….I was His dirty cunt. He did that over and over again….dipping His fingers in my wetness and then smearing them across my face. He had me tell Him that I was His dirty cunt.

He then played with my clit. He counts and then tells me to orgasm before He reaches 1. Well, when He does that somehow my body reacts by getting very turned on but everything feels like I can’t and I hold back. And so I could just do an orgasm (force it – just do it) where it is not as pleasurable –is not emotional or mental – just physical. I prefer orgasms that emotional, mental and physical.

I stopped this journal entry today as He came home for lunch. I feel down today – maybe like I am crashing. Or maybe just my dream affecting me?

I had something happen last night that has not happened before. After He slapped me, used me, humiliated me – I felt bad. I wanted to run away from Him. I started to cry – hard – a release – but it is still here today. Not sure how to get out what I am feeling….so, I guess I will just start back up where I left off before lunch.

So, I did not force my orgasm. And so then He got to one and told me that maybe I did not really want to orgasm and so He was going to torture my clit by putting breath drops on it. He put some on my clit and then rubbed very hard. And I squirted. Before we got in bed, I had needed to go the restroom but when He went in there with me, I could not go so He told me until I could I could wait. So, I had a full bladder when I squirted. Now normally that is not the case. But because I did I leaked as a squirted. Otherwise I normally have a clear liquid come out when I squirt. So He saw that I leaked and decided to use that to humiliate me. He turned and slapped me over and over again. He called me His piss slut. When He called me His piss slut, I felt in that moment He did not know I squirted. He thought I pissed myself. And instead of just going with it in the moment, I fought it and so He slapped me harder. I stopped fighting and was upset He did not understand I did not piss myself. He stopped slapping me and then just laid next to me waiting for me to come back out of my fuzzy stage.

And what happened next is so clear…strange that it is so clear to me. He told me not to be embarrassed that I pissed on myself. I then explained what actually happened and He was glad He made me squirt. I explained to Him that squirting and urinating feel very different. We laid there not even a moment more and He then said to me, “you need to clean up your mess.” And not sure why it affected me so much but it instantly bothered me. I lost it. He told me not to be embarrassed but then tells me it is a mess. It bothered me. It bothered me on many levels. We did this fairly intense thing for us….first thing we have done like that…and one moment I am being told not to be embarrassed and He was very caring about it and then the next moment He is out of bed telling me to clean up my mess. So, I lost it and did not feel safe. I wanted to run away. Not like I could though. He did not let me. He held me in His arms. And then, He helped me clean it up.

I feel like today though I put a wall up last night. I feel far away from Him. I could not explain to Him what was going on last night so we went to sleep. This morning He had me sucking Him, He was fucking my face and other times just pushing me down on to His cock and holding me there. In the morning it is very hard for me to give a blowjob, as I can’t breath threw my nose. So my mouth was stuffed with His cock and I could not breath in with my nose. So I started to struggle when I would start to run out of air. He would let me up and I would gasp in a breath of air and He would push me back down again and hold me. We did that for a while then He pushed me my back and was playing with my nipples…then started slapped my right tit. When He stopped, He stuck His hand down to my cunt and of course I was soaking wet. He asked me if I wanted Him to fuck me and I begged for Him to fuck me. He pushed my hobbled legs open and entered my soaking wet cunt. He fucked me hard. The struggle and fight makes me so wet. At this moment I can’t remember what I said no to, but I got slapped hard for saying no and it was a lie….something I did not want to admit. I felt the sting of this mornings slap for hours.

After we had our fun, He had to get up and ready for work. We continued on with our morning routine.

I stopped this journal entry for a while and He just called to tell me He would be home in 30 to 45 minutes. I woke up from a short nap. I cleaned the bathroom today…and again I was very content cleaning. I did not get as much of the bathroom done as I wanted to, but I needed a scrub brush and could not find one.

I woke up from my nap very wet. I was dreaming of being given an enema. And then later in that day being used….my ass being fucked. I had the dream of the restraints, blindfold, gag and earplugs again too.

Things slowed down for me this afternoon, but I still feel on edge and distant from Him. I think it is just knowing He will be reading it.

Babysteps – but will it ever be easy? Will I ever just be able to go with things? And know He loves me and will not hurt me?

Strangle my Words

I strangle my words as easily I do my tears I stifle my screams as frequently as I flash my smile It means nothing I am cotton candy on a rainy day the unrealized dream of an idea unborn ~ Nikki Giovanni

Wrote Thursday…decided to keep as is even though the horoscopes are outdate now…

Horoscope for today....Rest is important to you today as your imagination is likely to work overtime. You may identify too deeply with any problems which you hear about. You may not let anyone know about this, but they are important to you today.

That horoscope is from a cool site....it sends me a daily tarot and rune reading along with my horoscope :) It is from www.annikin.com The other horoscope that I post here often is from www.beliefnet.com. Here is that horoscope for today...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Something you didn’t complete at home is now back on your list of things to do. It may be that you took charge but never followed through. On the other hand, this may be an emotional issue as a difficult feeling won’t settle down until it gets the attention it deserves.

I get the Daily Buddhist Wisdom from there too. It is something I often put in this journal also.

Well, I have not posted for a few days.....I have been that phase were I don’t want to share. And I had a mini-lecture on Thursday reminding the reasons I started this journal and that the journey I have been on…this place helped me get there.

Sooo that means this is going to be a long entry….

First going to babble about…non-personal things…

I was reading an excerpt from “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake the other night…it is called “Proverbs of Hell”

Some good lines in it….

Dip him in the river who loves water.

That to me is about wanting to be submerged into something….about having such passion and need…that you….want to feel it wrap around you like a cozy blanket on a cold winter night. Maybe it is how to explain obsessions…something I know I have….when I love something, I want to be immersed in it….make it my world. I did that with art at one time. It was my focus and life and passion. Now…I have that same passion in looking for my dream….even though…lately I have had some doubts and depression. But it is part of this time of year for me.

Exuberance is beauty.

Another one to me about passion. Passion is so yummy don’t you think?

Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.

To me this extreme in emotions….something I might know a little about LOL And again goes back to passion for me….having an extreme…passion That deep passion where you absorb yourself into it….brings up all sorts of extreme emotions to me.

Just some good lines I like….or think are interesting….

Eternity is in love with the productions of time.

Prisons are built with stones of law, brothels with bricks of religion.

One thought fills immensity.

The soul of sweet delight can never be defil'd.

So back on topic I guess…

Wednesday I went and had dinner with Moni. And I had the best seafood Alfredo I have ever had….it was spicy Alfredo too so that made it even better. It was just so creamy and spicy and the seafood was so good. Just all so yummy!

We talked quite a bit about various things/relationships in our lives. Back at her place she did a tarot reading….for her and then me. It was called searching/finding. It had 5 cards. And the meaning behind the reading…that I have felt overwhelmed with life. I have lots of things happening and going on. That I am being self-protective and so self-protective that I am becoming resentful and bitter about life…and that is true to an extent. Something that it said that was kind of puzzle but felt right…was it said my fears are my greatest strength. How I took that…when I say it felt right…is that….those fears keep me moving forward. Those fears give me courage in an odd way. Fear is a desire also for me….and so….it keeps me moving forward towards my dream. My cards also said that I am feeling like the dreams it just out of reach and I had been feeling like that. The end goal was security. And that is very true that…is my end goal. Lots of things that add into it….but being secure in the dream is what I want.

Started today….Friday…

Next topic….I don’t like people who play head games. And I have that going on right now. Dreams again…my my how they just get stronger. Just trusting them more too…which is a VERY good thing. I saw it at least and just have decided leave it alone…not going to play…I have much more interesting games going on…fun games…good games. Not stupid *rolls eyes*.

Probably a change coming to the cast list too….well I know there will be….for sure just not sure of what it will be yet….someone added…order rearranged. And maybe a couple people took off the list.

I have not mentioned Nick here in a long time. Nick and I are still….talking. He still wishes to meet me. When that could happen? Not sure and sooooo I have pulled back a lot. I care for him greatly. He is GREAT man. But the waiting was starting to hurt me a lot. He wishes I committed to him like I did before…and part of me wishes that too as he has been really great with teaching me things about myself. And he is fun to talk to…I often smile and laugh when we talk on the phone.

M and I are just friends now….not that I don’t want to be more but we reached a point where I was giving him more trust then he was giving me back. And yeah for me….I have learned from my past and there have been some things with M that were giving me red flags. They are similar red flags that I had with Todd but ignored. So….I have learned my lesson. And actually M is happy that I am not repeating my past but he hates that I am learning it on him and he says he is not lying to me….but….he just has problems trusting. And part of me goes for that….but if he does not trust me then he should not be with me…really. He should be with someone he can trust…easier. So today we said good-bye to the relationship we had. We are going to remain friends though and I am glad about that as he and I have interesting conversations. He is an interesting man. He does not let me hide from myself either.

I am going to miss the interaction that happens between him and I. Even the ones when we would just have coffee or go run errands…and especially the interactions we had when we played. The extreme….brutal way he treated me. The fear was unlike I ever had…and I am not sure that level of fear I will ever have again….because ultimately the path I want to be on….I need to have love and affection as well as fear…and the affection I think changes the fear.

Anyway….it is going to a hard…not see him….as more then friends. But I really need to trust myself on this and be true to myself.

And now…for the thing that is expected but….it is different and yes I have said that before too….

While I was in Detroit I had someone email me…..he actually knows Monseigneur E and Linda real life. (Which just actually kind of blew my mind.) He is on my Ayn’s Place pictures list (link to the side) and has been for over a year. He has read my journal for a while also. Sooo he knows what I am like and still was interested. LOL *smiles*

I am not sure what to say about him…yet. He is really a great man. He is sadistic but has an affectionate side too. He and I seem to be similar in how we think…which helps a lot. We click. He understands what I am saying….it seems. Not constant miscommunications. We discuss lots of different things from D/s to dark side stuff to emotions and everyday life things. So far when I went down the checklist of things I want he has almost everything. I mean it. But of course we have not met real life. When I got to the BDSM check list, the only things he seems to be different on…is bestiality and he will not want to share me…it is not out of the question but it is not something he desires greatly. But…on the other hand…he has been very open minded about the things going on in my life, my job and playing and being with others. They are not needs of course. But they are desires I have….I want to be fucked by a dog. I want to suck on a dog. *blushing* I want to be gang banged again. I want to be lent to other men. I am a slut *grins* I like to experience it all : )

The thing that is going on right now…is of course…I am moving to fast. But it feels like a different kind of fast this time. The process is different though with him then it has been with M or Monseigneur E. There was not really a process with Nick…it just kind of happened….he showed up when I needed him. Not making sense…hope I can figure it out and express it in different words.

I am trying to find things that are wrong with him because….well he is too good. And so I talk to him and wonder why…someone so nice, so great in the things he desires, very interesting….wants to be with me? I am not sure that came out quite right - as it sounds when I read it back I don’t think….much of myself….and well….I do….of course have moments of insecurities of course. Maybe more then a few moments lol And because he does want me…and is not the norm that goes for me….I wonder if he is too good for me and I try to find fault in him because a good guy can’t really like me can he?

Like Moni said the other night if I am looking for it….I will find it…basically I will create it. I am trying to let it go and just be with him but there is this little part of me that wonders what the heck is going on lol

I remember…meeting nice guys when I was young and because they were nice I rejected them. I went after the bad boys. And this person is not a bad boy…he is a nice guy. He is not too nice….He is very firm in what he wants. He does not back down. He wants complete control - to the point of micromanagement. He has a very sadistic dark side that…I like. He also though says, “good girl” and “I am proud of you” - not from a dating relationship (even though I can see him doing that too) standpoint but from a Dominant. Even though he would readily tell me those things as a man and lover. I am not sure I can explain the difference.

Desires….that he and I have talked about…

I have lots of Daddy/little girl and baby fantasies that I have not shared with many people. And I have shared them with him….because I saw that interest in him. And the things we have discussed regarding them….mmmmmmmm We have talked about the pacifiers I have…and baby bottle…and other things that are for a baby. We have talked about little girl things….too. And I just get those warm fuzzies inside.

Other desires….we share…

I have a desire to be locked in a cage no way out and left…the person doing this to me is at work or taking in a movie whatever but left with no way out. Similar thought…being locked in a closet.

I had daydream the other day that I just got permission to share…

I thought of Him taking me doing errands and everywhere we go he has me drink something. He has me drink lots and lots. And I needed to use the rest room then at some point and was not given permission. I would beg and plead and he would say no and keep on walking or doing what he was like I was not even there.

He was setting me up to fail and as we were walking out to his car he said…“are you going to make it home?” I looked down and he shook his head in disgust at me. He said, "Fine I will put some plastic over my seat so you don't ruin them you stupid fuck flesh" He grabbed my head pulled me close and said..."You are worthless" and the look in his eyes...the fear it created in me.

We got in the car and he decided basically I was going to fail and so he decided to take a drive. I would beg..."please please Sir please lets stop so I can use a restroom please please" He pulled into a gas station...he took in a cup you had in the car one of those travel mugs. And he came back and told me to drink...I took a drink and realized it was his piss he had went in there and went pee but....were not allowing me and filling me with more liquids. He had that and then also had another drink in his hand. He said drink both. I looked at him. You called me by my name and said, "I don't want to hear your fucking whining you stupid cunt" *blushing* I drank them both.

I started to cry....and squirm.... He said..."worthless piece of shit going to pee herself" I was crying...and then I could not hold it anymore and let it out...I felt the warmth spread out...on my tights and skirt. I looked away from him and he grabbed my hair and pulled me too look at him. He said..."don't look away..." Using my name in there too…again making me realize it was me…and not able to separate it into a role. He said he wanted to see my humiliation and realization of that I was nothing but what he wanted me to be.... I nodded....he drove more and more making me sit in it....squirm in it as it made me wet and turned on.

We got home and he had me get out and then lick the plastic clean. We went in and he made me kneel down and suck his cock before letting me out of my wet clothes. He then stood me up and pushed me against the wall so my backside was facing you. He laughed and made fun of me for peeing myself. He made me tell him I was a bad girl for peeing on myself. I said it over and over and finally I was on my knees kissing your feet begging to be punished for being a bad girl. He had me take my clothes off and the wetness still kind of there and he took a cane and caned me until I collapsed to my knees crying. He then brought me into his arms and got me up and walked me to the bathroom and put me in a warm bath while he sat there....stroking my hair. Telling me I was a good girl.

Lots of different desires going on there…humiliation, peeing on myself a desire I have had for a very long time, being made to fail, being told I am bad, being punished for something I was set up to fail at….and being loved and taken care of too.

He loved the fantasy and I know he would have no problem…making it a reality. And that scares me and excites me so much.

You noticed I have not mentioned a name yet. I am still mulling it over….he and I discussed it last night and I know his preferences. So just trying to choose between them.

I am going to end this long entry but….

I have another coming about slave vs. sub, begging, and other desires…as I am going to open up and talk about them more here now.

Edit: 6/13/09 so I was searching for something in my blog and came across some blogger anomalies...where it reordered entries. This one is one of them. It put it in 2003 but that wouldn't be possible since I was living with Master in 2003 and this entry is just starting to talk about him. So reading entries I think this is about right but it might be off by a week or so. - Also blogger didn't allow for titles back before 2003 so I am going to be going back and add titles as it makes it easier to scroll through and see where entries start and end.

Dinner

Music: Michelle Branch

Today....Wednesday....

I was busy with work for a while. Then I went out to dinner with a Domme friend that I met through Moni and Michael. We had dinner and talked and it is always nice to create friends in this lifestyle that have similar views. It was nice to hear her views and thoughts and relationships. She is good Domme. I like how she thinks.

We talked about Golden Showers tonight and I recalled my first one. It was amazing. A great moment with Kam. Golden Showers when I first became his were a soft limit. And drinking urine was hard limit. But Kam liked Golden Showers. So, he pushed the soft limit. I remember kneeling in the bathtub and I was nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect and so it started. I felt the warmth of the urine hit me and I felt these deep feelings within me soar up and I instinctively opened my mouth. I felt this deep submissive feeling of in that moment you know that if he told me to jump off the cliff I would without question. I felt the warmth hit my body....my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have my Master's taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. And he looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It was sent me spinning and flying out in subspace.

Golden showers after that were not as intense but made me soar and also have never had the degradation feeling I thought I might feel with them.

I always have these feelings come up from deep within me that make me feel nervous at times but then calmer as I kneel there and feel that warmth hit my body.

Nice reliving those moments.

I was trying to think about what my deepest darkest thought is tonight and it is there but I can't seem to get at it. It is like my mind is even to scared to think about it.

I got to be Sherlock Holmes girl tonight. Someone told me about something going on and within 5 mins of them telling me I figured out the puzzle. I love it when it happens that way.

The other day I was online talking to a Dom that I had a lot of interest in right actually when I met Todd and so when I met Todd, I told this other Dominant about him and he said that we should still be friends. Well, I talk to him about once every 2 weeks. And he brings out the little girl in me very instinctively. I mean she see his name pop up on the screen and instantly little girl wants to come out and snuggle with Daddy. It is strange to have those feelings about someone else. Anyway 2 things with this...he told me his name the other day as I had never had it...strange as that might sound. And the name hit me it was weird. I started crying as soon as he told me. I then went on to explain to him one of my favorite movies which he had never seen.....Meet Joe Black. It is weird how much his name affected me. I am thinking of the Daddy/little girl thing because Ray asked me about it the other day. I think he was trying to understand it. The little girl inside me is about 4 years old but there is a Princess also she is I would say about 7 years old. She wants it her way right now. The little girl who is 4 years old in me....wants to snuggle with Daddy and have his protections and guidance and is actually very submissive to Daddy wanting to please him and make him happy. She wants Daddy's approval and acceptance.

Sir Nick is out of town. He said he would call me tomorrow night. That means a lot to me. I was talking to the Domme friend tonight about trust. That I feel at times Sir Nick has done things to go out of his way to show me I can trust him. Someone else told me that Nick is bending to me and I told them no...he is trying to nurture belief in him to chase away my insecurities...so that I can rely on my instinct of trusting him. I was thinking today about he says what he means and means what he says and always has...that if I have doubts they are because of my fears and looking for ghosts that are really not there...looking for red flags so I look and look until I have put myself into a worry about something and then write him of my concerns. He always handles it very calmly.

Stupid thing is now I am worrying that all these things that I have tried to do to sabotage this....will push him away. But then I think back and see that he just addresses and it is almost like "See you did not drive me away and are not going too." Like he is trying to prove to that self I have buried inside that is scared that I can be okay in this relationship....I can trust him.

Well, I have 2 other things I need to do and it is already 1am. My stomach started acting up tonight so I had to stop them earlier to just kind of veg.

peace,
danae