Music: Depeche Mode, Linkin Park, Staind, Puddle of Mudd, Sixpence None the Richer, Billie Myers and many more on the mix
Topic: Sex and well a little more then just sex *smiles*
This is the first morning I have not been chained to the bed – that is because He wanted me to do something at 11am. It was odd. It was odd because I have been chained the last 2 mornings. My mind is spinning I had a nightmare about Todd. So now that I am done doing the task assigned to me, I have put some music in, got a diet coke (with His permission) and then decided to write for a while before I do a tarot reading on myself. (This entry was started about 11:15am.)
Yesterday morning He fucked me. I was chained and so could only open legs so wide and just pushed them open taking me. It felt so good to have Him in me. So YUMMY! blushing
It is harder for me to orgasm vaginally, but just the pure excitement of feeling of Him in me and taking me roughly made me beg to orgasm right away.
After our morning afterglow we got up and went on with our routine. Before leaving for work He chained me to His bed again to slow me down…remind me where I am and who I am…now. By the time He came home for lunch I needed to go to the bathroom badly. My chain leads into the bathroom, but not to the toilet. He was amused that I had to go and said that He should have left me on the chain. He told me I could have used the Big McDonald’s cup in the bathroom…of course I wanted to die and go hide. I am lucky I was not chained today as I had to go a few times in the cup this morning.
It felt so odd to not be chained this morning.
Okay – back to day-to-day stuff of Tuesday….
I got to call girlie while He was at work as she going through some tests on Monday and I wanted to see how she was doing after them. We talked for a while. She was doing okay. We talked about how things are going here. She is very happy for me.
Oh I forgot when He came home for lunch on Tuesday, He came home with coloring books and crayons for His little girl! That was so cool. He is so great! He is very good to me. I am a lucky little girl!
For some reason I am having trouble letting little girl out. Not sure if it just the right time yet or is that part of me so hurt I am just a scared she will get hurt again? Maybe…
Last night I made a chicken and stuffing casserole with green beans and white chocolate pudding for dessert. It is a dish I make and everyone always likes. It is easy but tastes great. I am having problems getting used to His oven though…everything takes longer. I am worrying how my cornbread is going to turn out.
We watched Buffy last night. It was a really good episode – cleared up some questions that were being answered on the Buffy yahoo groups. After Buffy, I was sitting on the floor in front of Him and He put His hand over my mouth and pinched my nose closed. He did similar breath play things over and over. And I got in my fuzzy fun space (Not subspace – just kind of gooey and fuzzy.) Then He sent me to clean up the kitchen while He had some computer work to do. We did a few more things before heading to bed.
I am not sure how to explain what went on last night…when we went to bed or even how it started. I thought we were just going to go bed to go to sleep but we talked about a journal entry I wrote yesterday during the day….
This entry:
This morning You asked me what I was thinking about and I did not want to answer. I am feeling on edge because I have lots of dark desires coming out. I dreamed of the article You sent me on breaking down a captive. I thought of some of those things being done to me by You. I thought of You slapping me. Thoughts of You taking me roughly by my hair, pushing me over the bed and fucking my ass. Thoughts of You touching me with a gloved hand and telling me how dirty I am. Thoughts of rubbing my clit hard bringing me close to the edge and then backing off – denying me pleasure. Making the slut in me come out and beg for You to touch me. You do, but You don’t let me orgasm – telling me – I have to hump Your leg before You let me. You touch more and back off just when I am near orgasm and begging, sobbing that I want that orgasm so badly. You fuck me and use me, but don’t allow me to cum and finally I beg to hump Your leg. Images are strong, intense and flashing before my eye….more images….of being set up to fail and punished, being put in blindfold, gag, ear plugs, wrist and ankle restraints lying on the floor in the living room with You watching TV using me as a footstool. I floated into the blackness – emptying everything out of my mind. Just a safe darkness that I can let go of everything.
After we talked about the above entry, He started to play with my cunt. He would take His fingers and dip them into my wetness and then bring them to my face….pushing them up to my nose to smell. He then wiped them on my face telling me….I was His dirty cunt. He did that over and over again….dipping His fingers in my wetness and then smearing them across my face. He had me tell Him that I was His dirty cunt.
He then played with my clit. He counts and then tells me to orgasm before He reaches 1. Well, when He does that somehow my body reacts by getting very turned on but everything feels like I can’t and I hold back. And so I could just do an orgasm (force it – just do it) where it is not as pleasurable –is not emotional or mental – just physical. I prefer orgasms that emotional, mental and physical.
I stopped this journal entry today as He came home for lunch. I feel down today – maybe like I am crashing. Or maybe just my dream affecting me?
I had something happen last night that has not happened before. After He slapped me, used me, humiliated me – I felt bad. I wanted to run away from Him. I started to cry – hard – a release – but it is still here today. Not sure how to get out what I am feeling….so, I guess I will just start back up where I left off before lunch.
So, I did not force my orgasm. And so then He got to one and told me that maybe I did not really want to orgasm and so He was going to torture my clit by putting breath drops on it. He put some on my clit and then rubbed very hard. And I squirted. Before we got in bed, I had needed to go the restroom but when He went in there with me, I could not go so He told me until I could I could wait. So, I had a full bladder when I squirted. Now normally that is not the case. But because I did I leaked as a squirted. Otherwise I normally have a clear liquid come out when I squirt. So He saw that I leaked and decided to use that to humiliate me. He turned and slapped me over and over again. He called me His piss slut. When He called me His piss slut, I felt in that moment He did not know I squirted. He thought I pissed myself. And instead of just going with it in the moment, I fought it and so He slapped me harder. I stopped fighting and was upset He did not understand I did not piss myself. He stopped slapping me and then just laid next to me waiting for me to come back out of my fuzzy stage.
And what happened next is so clear…strange that it is so clear to me. He told me not to be embarrassed that I pissed on myself. I then explained what actually happened and He was glad He made me squirt. I explained to Him that squirting and urinating feel very different. We laid there not even a moment more and He then said to me, “you need to clean up your mess.” And not sure why it affected me so much but it instantly bothered me. I lost it. He told me not to be embarrassed but then tells me it is a mess. It bothered me. It bothered me on many levels. We did this fairly intense thing for us….first thing we have done like that…and one moment I am being told not to be embarrassed and He was very caring about it and then the next moment He is out of bed telling me to clean up my mess. So, I lost it and did not feel safe. I wanted to run away. Not like I could though. He did not let me. He held me in His arms. And then, He helped me clean it up.
I feel like today though I put a wall up last night. I feel far away from Him. I could not explain to Him what was going on last night so we went to sleep. This morning He had me sucking Him, He was fucking my face and other times just pushing me down on to His cock and holding me there. In the morning it is very hard for me to give a blowjob, as I can’t breath threw my nose. So my mouth was stuffed with His cock and I could not breath in with my nose. So I started to struggle when I would start to run out of air. He would let me up and I would gasp in a breath of air and He would push me back down again and hold me. We did that for a while then He pushed me my back and was playing with my nipples…then started slapped my right tit. When He stopped, He stuck His hand down to my cunt and of course I was soaking wet. He asked me if I wanted Him to fuck me and I begged for Him to fuck me. He pushed my hobbled legs open and entered my soaking wet cunt. He fucked me hard. The struggle and fight makes me so wet. At this moment I can’t remember what I said no to, but I got slapped hard for saying no and it was a lie….something I did not want to admit. I felt the sting of this mornings slap for hours.
After we had our fun, He had to get up and ready for work. We continued on with our morning routine.
I stopped this journal entry for a while and He just called to tell me He would be home in 30 to 45 minutes. I woke up from a short nap. I cleaned the bathroom today…and again I was very content cleaning. I did not get as much of the bathroom done as I wanted to, but I needed a scrub brush and could not find one.
I woke up from my nap very wet. I was dreaming of being given an enema. And then later in that day being used….my ass being fucked. I had the dream of the restraints, blindfold, gag and earplugs again too.
Things slowed down for me this afternoon, but I still feel on edge and distant from Him. I think it is just knowing He will be reading it.
Babysteps – but will it ever be easy? Will I ever just be able to go with things? And know He loves me and will not hurt me?
