Tools to help Depression

There is a poll on EdenFantasys.com Forums about Antidepressants and Libido. I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. Right now I am suffering with depression because of my chronic pain.

I am not currently on any antidepressants, but in the past I have been.  Prozac and Wellbutrin XL.  Prozac made me feel just numb - all my emotions felt numb and empty. As a result of not feeling...I really didn't care about sex either.  Wellbutrin did really well for me at first. The longer I was on it though the more I felt it numbed my feelings or didn't help me even my feelings out as fast as it did in the beginning.  But the one thing it didn't do it is effect my libido. I still was interested in sex and wanted sex the same.

I told my doctors right away when I was seeking pharma type help that I wanted a drug that wouldn't numb my feelings or decrease my libido. It is important to talk to your doctor, if these things happen and not to stop taking the drug even if you don't feel it is working because they do need special instruction usually and can cause horrible side effects if you just stop cold turkey taking them.  So please talk to your doctor if you want to stop taking them or feel you need to change meds. 

Even though I am in a depression cycle, I still want sex and enjoy sex.  It helps bring my mood up. But I know unfortunately that isn't the case for everyone.  I know that not everyone feels better having sex and I know not everyone feels sexual during depression.  So know yourself and find a set of tools to help you cope and get your sexual self back on track as well as your emotional/mental. 

Depression can make it so hard to do anything. Action is the key to getting past depression.  But just getting out of bed can be a challenge so sometimes I have to just make a pact with myself to do one thing. Starting small and focusing on one goal at a time.  Sharing a list of things that help me cope and move past my depression.  

Here are a few tips to help cope during depression:

1. Support - FIRST and foremost ...get help....reach out to friends, family and even get professional help especially if it has been going on long term.  Not only ask them for support but reach out to them to let them know you are thinking of them - caring about others helps not focus on the negative swirling around in my head.  Don't isolate yourself  - so make and create friendships even through online forums as well as in person. Being social and caring about others helps lift the mood so reach out to friends and family through email or phone, write a letter or card, make a gift, meet up for lunch. Having sex with your partner, maybe trying out a new sex toy - I remember I got my Hitachi MagicWand during a depression cycle and it was so much fun exploring/playing with it with Master. Touching can create a form of intimacy that helps feel connected to someone. Connection and intimacy help cope with depression.  Engage in SM - being spanked or flogged always releases endorphin that help my pain and my mood, but again know yourself - because I know it can at times do the opposite too for some. 

2. Nurture - Nurture and pamper yourself.  Enjoy a cup of tea, read a good book, take a long hot bath or shower, sit in the sun,  watch clouds go by, meditate, buy yourself some flowers, daydream, get a massage using an aromatherapy massage oil  because smell can uplift mood just as much as touch, masturbate, or give yourself a facial or pedicure

3. Play - Have some fun and play with abandon.  Color in a coloring book, play with playdough, sing/listen to music,  go swing on a swingset, play in a sandbox, play with a pet, blow bubbles, or read a childeren's book

4. Create & Engage the Brain - Expressing yourself through creativity and engaging your brain helps in recovering from depression. So draw, paint, do a craft, create a new recipe, visit a museum, go to a play or musical, doodle, do a crossword puzzle, learn a new skill or interest, journal, knit/crochet, sew, garden, organize something - a filing cabinet, a drawer, a closet, plan something - a party, your garden, a cleaning list, a menu,

5. Move - Moving helps elevate mood, but don't get overwhelmed by scheduling or doing too much. Just even take one thing and do it to help move forward.  Take a walk, mow the lawn, do a household chore, workout with an exercise video or at the gym, do yoga,  have sex - try a new position or play with some sex toys to not only get moving but engage your brain by exploring new areas, rearrange a room, cook a new dish or bake something for someone, take a bike ride, take a drive, go explore a new area, swim or take part in a sport, walk the mall, or weed the garden

Find what works for you - and make a list of tools to help cope with your depression. 

Ugly July

This month has been hard on me.

 The end of May my sciatica came back and it is just getting worse and worse.  To the point that this month - I can't stand or sit very long. Laying down seems to give me the most relief at this time, but still is very painful and have to readjust positions often.  I have an appointment with my doctor next week. 

Because I am in such pain, I am falling behind on things around the house and other things such as blogging. But I have been reading like a mad-woman.  I am going through a book in a day or two.  My library requests aren't keeping up with me so in between waiting for them - I am rereading the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton.  I have most of them so keep pulling them off the shelf in between my library books.  I am almost to the point in the series where I stop liking them.  

I am also reading the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning and going to reread her Fever series after the Highlander series. If you haven't read anything by Karen Marie Moning and like bodice ripper type books - read her.  Master thinks is it is amusing because I can read her books that are bodice rippers where the woman is held down, hooded in one, tied up in others and  even one of them starts out with how the man is hung like a horse and even the horses envy him but I am not big on BDSM fiction. The Market Place series by Laura Antoniou being the exception.  But I like the bodice rippers where the women are feisty and get tamed. 

Books are the only thing keeping me from drowning right now.  When I am in this kind of pain cycle, it starts to bring me down. My depression starts weighing on me and I feel myself sinking into it.  I get why. I understand it logically but trying to fight it has nothing to do with logic.  It has nothing to do with even seeing it happening - even though recognizing it is good so I can see I need to fight it. It is just hard and tiring.  Books though have become the only thing that keeps my mind from sinking into it.  

Master is going through a great amount of stress right now too.  The kind of stress that makes your chest hurt.  I am trying to help him and just be here for him which I know he appreciates my support but I wish I could help more then just being supportive.  But this is a stress that won't go away until a solution is found. 

So that is where things are at the moment. I just thought I would try to get a life update posted so that people didn't think I fell off the earth. 

Words...Part 5

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Slavery - The meaning of slavery for me hasn't changed really over the years but the understanding of it has a lot. For me being a slave means to be owned and under the authority of another. What all that entailed I don't think I got until being with Master. I mean my previous long term M/s relationship really introduced me to service. But it really didn't give me an understanding of being owned at least not in this sense it has with Master. Master has this presence in my life that makes me feel as though this life is inescapable. Not that I want to escape but it is just the feeling of having no other choice but to serve and obey...to be his property. I didn't quite feel that before - in the other relationship...it was a conscious choice to obey, serve and stay.

Basement-Dweller - The lovely lady that gave me these words and her handsome husband gave me shelter in more ways then just being their basement-dweller. I am ever grateful for their compassion and generosity to open their home to me. Although I was going through a horrible time - depression eating me away big time - I still have many fond memories of living with them.

Depression - I really can look back and see it ever present in my life. Even 4 years old I remember having it. Although I had many happy times and good memories there was that ever presence underneath that didn't see anything good. It also runs in my family - back several generations it can be traced.

I didn't get help for my depression though until in my mid-20's. I was put on prozac and it was a horrible experience. I mean yes it helped me come up out of the darkness but it turned all my emotions off. I remember my Mom calling me to tell me one of her Aunt's died and I was just like "okay." I didn't get upset or feel anything. It also messed with my sexuality too - making me not ever be interested in sex and when we had sex - it was hard for me to orgasm. I went off them about 4 years later and feel I have had long term side-affects because of the prozac. Memory loss from it being the biggest thing.

Several years ago - I was having a really bad run of the depression. I started taking wellbutrin. Master saw an improvement in almost a weeks time. And I haven't had the horrible side-affects. I feel my emotions but they don't drag me all over the place or hang on and on and on. And it didn't turn my sexuality off - thank goodness!

When I went back to visit family, I was very annoyed by their judgment of anti-depressants. My Dad encouraged my Mom to stop taking her anti-depressant. He doesn't want her "addicted" to them. I tried to give my Mom another example for it - she is diabetic and I said do you think he would tell you to go off your diabetic meds so you don't get addicted to them? She said she understood but I could see she really was thinking it wasn't the same thing. They don't view depression as the same as having another disease. Depression is all my head - not real and not really physical illness. They think if I really tried I could "get better." Luckily - as an adult now I don't give a damn what they think. And I can say that. I can say that I will be on meds as long as I need them. They help me and it is a better quality of life with them then without.

Happiness - I think for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That there was something bad or wrong with me so I didn't get to be happy. I also think I thought happiness was something different then I view it now. I think I thought happiness was a state of feeling good and everything being smiley. But obviously that isn't a state of being that can be maintained all day everyday - so not realistic. Basically I now view happiness as a state of contentment with myself and my path. And that I have that thankfully.

Integrity - I think a lot of people throw this word around as part of their "code" but don't really do what it means. I don't use this word when I describe things I live by. And it isn't because I don't think I have integrity. I just think it is a word that is used and not lived so it doesn't have as much meaning to me anymore.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was lovely. I had cinnamon rolls raising before I went to bed on Wednesday so we had a few of those for breakfast on Thursday while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Master talked to several of his family members while I got things ready for the turkey dinner. We don't eat until 4pm so I just prepped.

While we waited for getting things in the oven, we watched a movie. We watched The Prestige. We ate about 4:30pm as pop up timer on the turkey didn't pop up until then even though I thought just by poundage it should have been done sooner. Master and I had a good wine and stuffed ourselves! After we cleaned up the kitchen, I called my parents. My sister just closed on a house so I knew they were spending Thanksgiving working on the house. It has hardwood floors almost all through the house that needed to be sanded and re-varnished plus several other projects that need to be done before she moves in. We chatted a bit and then Master and I rolled ourselves to the couch to watch The Polar Express. It was so nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching it...I get such a gleeful feeling when I watch it. Not feeling so stuffed but still needing to work some of it off so we could have pumpkin pie meant fun in the bedroom and I got beat! yay! Eventually we had pumpkin pie and watched Project Runway (I will probably do another post on that). We ended up getting to bed about 1:30am with the alarm set for 4:30am because we decided to be insane hit Best Buy and Circuit City on Black Friday.

It was a good Thanksgiving....We had a really nice day! Master and I had good quality time together yesterday. It was very nice and I am very thankful to be with Master.

I really get annoyed with myself though because I still got sad and down yesterday despite having a really nice day with Master. I was missing time with family. I even thought of Thanksgivings spent with Jim because really we would spend many Thanksgivings at his Aunt's home. But I also thought when I hosted it a few times....although like I said in my last post cooking Thanksgiving meal isn't my favorite for a crowd. I am always worried the turkey won't come out good. Why I worry about that...I am not sure as I have always had my turkey's turn out really good.

I remember the first Thanksgiving I hosted was when my parents, sisters and one of my Grandma's came...when I was married. I think actually it was our first Thanksgiving after moving into our house. I had at that point in my life never made a turkey so thankfully my Mom was right there to help walk me through it! Such as I was forgetting to pull the sack of giblets so she caught that! And she made the mashed potatoes because it took me years to master those...I always have had lumps. I finally can make mashed potatoes without lumps (well most of the time). But everything else I made turned out really good. I just remember being so intimidated because my Mom and my Grandma are amazing cooks. So here I am doing turkey dinner for the first time and they are my guests. Oh my the panic! I remember freaking out on Jim before they got there in the morning - they had stayed in a hotel as our house had lots stairs and my Grandma couldn't take those. So it was just my sisters that stayed with us. But I freaked out with Jim. He of course kept trying to tell me all would work out and it did.

I had made turkey a few times by the next Thanksgiving I hosted so I wasn't as freaked out. And that Thanksgiving was with friends. We had 3 couples. One couple had just moved to the area and the wife of the couple was really missing her family. It was going to be her first Thanksgiving without family. So I thought being around a bunch of friends might help her. And it did for the most part - you know there is always that part of that thinks about it though. I made the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing and a few appetizers but then everyone else brought things. I still remember the house decorated just perfectly with lots of fall leaves/trim and candles. I made a table runner. It had really pretty fall leaves on it so added solid fall colored napkins that I tied with jute for napkin rings. I made place card holders out of little sacks that I filled with candies for them to take home. They were decorated with leaves that I painted on watercolor paper and cut out and attached with raffia. One with leaf with their name on it. We had lots of food, wine, games and laughter. It was really nice because it wasn't an obligation to come...like it is sometimes with family. Although we all love our families sometimes we have to go because we have to go. And that wasn't the case with the friends. So it was different then usual but very nice.

I hosted Thanksgiving one year for Jim's parents too. I can't remember why his Aunt wasn't doing it or why we weren't going there but Jim's parents came over and it was a nice day. I always felt intimated by her too. Because while we are friends now and friends while I dated Jim when I became Jim's wife I never seemed good enough in their eyes. So I always felt like I had to go over and above things to prove myself.

I know I hosted Thanksgiving a few more times...once when my sisters couldn't get to Minnesota they came to our house. But those 3 above are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. And I recalled yesterday during my sadness. As I said it annoys me because I have so much to be thankful for plus I had such a nice day with Master that I shouldn't have been sad at all. I just feel this year is going to be year of recalling old memories for me because of my mindset about being 40.

Well that is enough reminiscing for today. I need to work today a little bit.

Busy & Blah

I have been busy with work - websites. We have quite a few website on our plate. And those usually got to me except when they are content management - those are Master's. I am just not ready to tackle them yet.

This weekend I felt down but then yesterday I worked on something for a friend and that made me feel better because I know it will make her smile. I don't feel I accomplished much else this weekend though. I have 2 websites that I need to work on...changes to one and finishing up the other now that the client decided what template she wants. I also need to finish up my article. And then prep for Thanksgiving this week.

Master parents are coming for his birthday (Dec 6th) -- one reason I was down as I really just wanted it to be us. So I need to finish the autumn cleaning I started a few weeks ago (when I was steam cleaning). I would like to wash and press all the curtains and steam clean the hallway and Master's office before they come (then all the carpet in the house would be done). I have bunches of stuff to go to Goodwill but I need to get it all together (one spot) and then typed up for taxes.

I started making our holiday card list today, got out the cards and labels too so that I can try to get those out early this year. Maybe I will even get a letter done this year.

Not sure what else to say...I am hoping to be able to do the Holidailies and that usually inspires me to write more.

Birthday Blues

Well I am thankful that migraines stayed away while out of town but I started my period this week so with it comes migraines and so day 2 of migraine here (well going on day 3 now I guess). My period this month has been so odd. I spotted at the beginning of the month for a few days. I then started my "real" period slowly on Wednesday and now it is in its horrible stage of 3 ibuprofen don't even touch the pain. One good thing is that my period should be done by my birthday.

Okay as everyone knows I am a big person on birthdays. It is day to celebrate. And I try to celebrate my friends and family as I am truly happy that they are in the world! And even my own birthday I try to honor too but this year is REALLY hard. I will be turning 40 on the 18th and not looking forward to it at all. I am glad I get to see my parents but I am really wishing they would have come at another time. But I know they want to celebrate my 40th birthday with me. I just thought I would like to have some time to curl up and cry for a bit.

As I said I am happy to see my parents. I miss them but just not happy about celebrating and making a big deal of my birthday this year.

Master's family is big on celebrating birthdays too. And even though I asked them not to last year - they invited family over. I still celebrated last year properly last year even if family had not come over. And really I couldn't enjoy myself as much because family was over. I had to be on more. So this year I am trying hard not for it not to get into a big family thing. Just my parents and his out to dinner and that is it. (oh yeah and this will be my parents and his parents first meeting so more stress to add on top of my icky birthday).

So why am I not wanting to "celebrate" - 40 shouldn't be a big deal? And I know plenty of people have told me their 40's were the best time of their life. I get that. I think I am just going through some depression in general and just not happy with myself. (just to make clear - glad I am in the relationship I am in and glad that many things in my life have developed as they have - just not happy with some things with myself as person.)

So that is where I am at...right now. In crying, moody, hurty, depressed mood. I should be asking for some cheese with my whine.

ps: I know I would have friends worrying about wishing me a happy birthday but please don't change what you would do. I just am needing to vent and get this out

**icon from Breakfast at Tiffany's because I am watching it right now

Quiet

I am glad it is a new week as last week was pretty bad. Because of the bad week, I have really pulled into myself. I am trying to pretend I don't have a headache today. So far it is working marvelously (yes sarcasm).

I have a lot of work to do today...and this week for that fact.

That is all...I know not much of a post but as I said in the first line...pulling into myself right now.

A Look Back....May

I didn't get to do a Winter Count this year. But going to do my version of Winter Count by going back into my archives and finding entries that touch me, are favorites, important to me or that month, or that just have some meaning to me.

So here is May (my version) Winter Count...

Everyday is Exactly the Same - Well looking at this very depressing entry some my say why is this entry important....really for me it was when I first acknowledged the depression again. Granted the month didn't start out well - as April ended with our friend dying and Master doing her memorial video. It was really emotionally draining for us. But 2006 has been a year of the BIG push for Master's business. We were just so focused on getting him there that we neglected ourselves...as individuals and a couple. We just were going, going, going and really focused on getting the business started that we didn't slow down and take care of ourselves. And that is what I read in that entry as well as the grieving of our friend.

But the everyday being exactly the same....and the talk of being a slave...is kind of like my look back in April. Being a slave isn't glamorous or all romantic hearts and flowers look at SM and often I feel people want it to be. And so reading my entries will be whatever comes to me at that moment and sometimes it might have SM (rare occasion these days though) and other times it is about spring cleaning the closets out. Excitement...? No, but it my life. I am here to enhance and serve him always and in all ways and a lot of that is cleaning, cooking, and being his girl Friday.

A Favorite Client - I was an escort and well this is describing one of my clients. This is entry does details and sex.

Holiday Randomness...

Sound of Music is on....it is a favorite musical of mine. I love the music and sing along to it.

There is a song that plays this time of year that always always makes me cry. It is The Christmas Shoes by Newsong (link to lyrics). I hadn't heard it this year until just the other night while wrapping gifts. And of course I had to reach for kleenex.

Silly Christmas link....Mt. Dew Christmas Tree

Yes! A wonderful Christmas gift *giggle*

Been cleaning house most of the day as I have neglected it with the holiday preparations.

I was just thinking yesterday while unloading the dishwasher that I have had lots of depression this year but I can honestly say this Christmas I haven't felt it. The holidays can get me blue and this year doesn't seem to have hit me that hard. I had some sad moments but not depression - if that makes sense.

Master just called me into this office. He has video tape his Dad took of when Master got one of his cats for Christmas. She is just a little kitten and she is so her. All the things that make her darned adorable now were there in the video of her from her baby days.

Well going to go find my slippers because my feet are cold. And then maybe fold clothes...I know the excitement is too much!

But tomorrow will be good - we are going to brunch to one of our favorite places, then deliver presents. Tomorrow night will be a nice dinner followed by going out to look at Christmas lights.

Life Update and Gratitude Tuesday...

Still battling depression. I am really tired - but having insomnia. At 3am I was cleaning the bathroom and then cleaned the kitchen after that. I feel burnt out and know I am missing things. I am not happy about that. I have lists that I make they just get put in a pile with other lists not really addressed as I can't get to it all. Truly I have a list in my inbox from last week that I didn't even have time to open/do so it is still sitting there unread. I have lists all over the place and either I am so busy that I can't get to them or I forget about the list. I feel like I am juggling all these ball and now I am standing there watching them fall and trying to decide what ball to try to catch first. And so I might get in my grasp a few but the rest are scattered all over.

On top of that I was starting to get a cold and then hit the airborne heavy and so far so good....it has back off! So that was a good thing.

Speaking of good things....

Ceeci started Gratitude Tuesday...so since this is my first one I will be starting with "A"



~ Air: When I was cleaning the bathroom at 3am - I ended up using some bleach and so I became very appreciative of air as bleach even in little amounts doesn't like my asthma

~ Airborne: That seems to have kept my cold from getting worse.

~ Art: doing and seeing art

~ Antiques, Architecture, Archeology: Each thing has a piece of history...each has a story. And also at the time it is today and present. Which made me think of a quote: "Art is not a treasure in the past or an importation from another land, but part of the present life of all living and creating peoples." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

~ Aquafina: I have been going through a lot of bottle water lately...the colder the better

~ Anal sex: decided to do one naughty one....because oh how I like anal sex

~ Apple: It is starting to get into that season when apples with peanut butter are such a great snack

~ Apple Cider: I really enjoyed hot apple cider in the fall.

~ Autumn: It is almost upon us. I love the crisp, cool air. I love the colors of leaves...the changing of the seasons. So beautiful.

~ Age: I am going to be 39 in a month and although I am feeling down about it...I really should be grateful for each birthday and day of life I get.

~ Acid free papers: Use them in art so that they don't fade and make the things on them change colors or deteriorate.

~ Asiago Cheese - I just like the flavor so much!

~ Archives: right now I am thinking of archives of lj - I couldn't remember when something happened and I just went back in my archives and found it. So right now it is my memory and thankful for it.

~ Acceptance: It is just something that I am grateful to those that do accept me.

~ Acknowledgment: Kind of goes with the one above for me as today I was at least acknowledge in something by Mom that I needed to hear. It wasn't perfect but it was better then it has been in the past. So I am grateful for that.

So that is it for this weeks Gratitude Tuesday!

On with my life update....

Master is healing. He is on crutches still but he is able to get around a little more...put more weight on it...bend it more and more. I am glad he is healing. He has been busy now that he can move around more - he is catching up on work. My Grandmother is turning 90 and so he is doing a video for her birthday party. He is the BESTEST Daddy!

So what else to write....

Food equals comfort...

Saturday I made a concoction for dinner that turned out very well - a steak cut into chunks, can of diced tomatoes with juice, 1 cup of beef broth, garlic, onions, green beans, great northern beans with some black pepper and a little oregano thrown into the crockpot and cooked all day. I stirred in some rice at the end. It was very yummy and made the house smell amazing.

Last night I made balsamic roasted chicken but I don't feel it was very flavorful. Master loved it and raved about several times throughout the evening. But I was a little ehh on it. I couldn't taste the balsamic at all.

Tonight I made nachos and they were so good! I think we both had been craving them.

Not much else going on....working. I have a pretty big project to finish before we head out of town the first week of October. And then one other appointment to do also.

these painted clouds will be erased...

I need to first thank Master. Tonight we talked even though I was dreading it because we were going to discuss me not feeling much of anything but sadness lately. I don't think we solved the worlds problems but for a first step he helped me so much. Thank you Master for saying ALL the things you did tonight....I needed to hear them....and feel them and I did! Thank you for being you....I love you so much!

Last night I broke down in tears....not that is unusual of late....

I broke down in tears because first read....Dave and Am's blog. And they didn't say anything unusual or sad to make me cry. I just was crying because I have read their journal since they started this journey and I am happy for them...and where they are at together. I then took a peek at Master Jim and slave marsha's blog - reading this entry. And then I really broke down. Because I haven't had my heart in it for a REALLY long time. And so that is what Master and I discussed tonight.

Listy Update

* I have been going through depression right now....so I have been quiet. I don't write as much when I am this way.
* This past week I finished up something important for/to me. And it felt really good.
* I have really good friends that support me. I have been really stressing this weekend about my parents acceptance of me doing art. They never have and I always keep this hope that they will finally come around. And it just doesn't seem to happen. I need to let it go. And be thankful I do have people in my life that do and more importantly I know what it means to me to do art and it is important to/for me.
* I need to clean house this week and start my next work project. I did a really good clean of the house except the Master bedroom but last week after that I seemed to have dropped the ball a bit but I know that is because I was working on the thing that was important to me.
* I hope to do some art this week.
* I want to finish an art doll I started a long while ago
* I have a stack of photos on my desk and frames for them....I really should do that sometime soon. I am sure it is bad Feng Shui to have empty frames sitting around. I also have a Buddha wooden mask carving that I should hang up.
* Master is doing much better. He is getting around better (still on crutches though). Able to support himself longer when standing.
* I think I am going to make breakfast burritos tomorrow - for breakfast....I have been craving them.
* I need to take the garbage out tonight before I go to bed...I know the excitement of my life is earth shaking.

Sometimes I feel a little fragile

Okay so I haven't been posting very regularly. Monday Master slipped and dislocated his knee and so I have been taking care of him. He is in a lot of pain and I am really worried about him. I also have been working lots...I finished up a big project this week. So glad it is done! But I have started working on the next project.

And I am down/sad right now and just trying to deal with all my feelings. I would just like to curl up in bed and sleep for a while as I have been going through lots of insomnia lately. I owe several people emails (Jim that includes you - I did get yours) but my concentration lately sucks and when it is working I work.

Master and I have watched quite a few movies this week while he has been having to take it easy. A few on the list: Walk the Line, Timeline, Firewall, Robots, The Jacket, Capote, The Thomas Crown Affair (new one with the old probably to be watched Sunday night). I don't have cable in my studio but I have a dvd player so if I don't have music on I have a dvd playing so I have been going through lots of movies lately - I like the noise while I work. It is kind of good because I am going through lots of movies that we have maybe watched a few times but not more. So in the last couple of months I have watched/listened the Memoirs of a Geisha, Mona Lisa Smile, Spy Game, Sneakers, Frida, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Swordfish, Serenity, Serendipity, Sweet Home Alabama, Almost Famous, Matrix Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (extended versions), Bourne Identity and Bourne Supremacy, Kate and Leopold, X-Men, X-Men 2, Hidalgo, When Harry met Sally, The Remains of the Day, Meet Joe Black and The Last Samurai -- and I am sure I am missing some. Some sitting in my pile to watch: Gosford Park, 2 Days in the Valley, The Piano, A Beautiful Mind, The Phantom of the Opera, Enemy of the State, The Notebook, and A Field of Dreams. And we still have more I could go through and watch too.

Not much else going on...or more else for me to say at the moment.

WARNING: Emo!

So every time I sat here to write an entry today....I just sat here. Yet I have lots rolling around my brain but it's not coming out - some of it also feels like it shouldn't. Then tonight I actually had some time to do art but I couldn't...I organized. I sat and looked at the piece before. I knew what I wanted to do but was just frozen - scared to start again. It is always like this when I go so long in between creating.

The last few week I have felt extremely emotional and I am not even pmsing. I feel sad, overwhelmed, angry at the world, and frankly not very happy or good. I feel at odds with myself. I feel lost. I feel like maybe I am not me. I have no desire for almost anything. I don't feel particularly slave-like these days. I don't feel artist-like. I think of my family and want to call but no desire to call at the same time. I have lots of cards and packages here for friends that I want to send and at the same time I just look at them and feel not now...no energy. And now several presents will be late.

I looked at bunches of SM porn the other night and my body reacted. I got really wet. But I cried. I cried that I didn't feel anything looking at them. I was sorting through them and really it was almost obliviously to me that they were naked, gagged and tied up. It didn't register emotionally for me that these are things that usually turn me and so I didn't get that arousal emotionally - I didn't feel all the things I usually feel when I start getting turned on. I only reacted physically. And so that made me cry.

So I just keep doing work and going from moment to moment. And I feel emotional and empty at the same time.

And really it is all because of what the work is doing to me. I am not used to it and maybe I will get used to it.

On to a life update so that I don't make you suffer through the emo....

Last Friday I screwed up and so work stuff has still actually been screwed up all week. My client the week before she wants her site live goes out of town with no way to reach her. So this week has been kind of the waiting game and also starting the next projects.

Nothing else really going on beside work.

Wrapping it up.....

I get so filled up with hope and good feelings and it seems they are deflated easily this week. I just don't feel the good feeling tonight. I feel down and weepy and I am sure it has a lot to do with my period. I was looking at a couple artists sites tonight and then I envied the talent they have...and felt even more weepy and horrible. So it just feels like one thing on top of the other today.....started right away this morning and doesn't feel like it is ending. Lets hope it leaves so the weekend is not this way.

So this is a whine whine whine post....but it felt like it needed to come out. I kept starting it and erasing it and starting and erasing. I hate when I do that.

This is my last holidalies post...what a way to end them huh? I am glad that I did the holidalies. I did at least one post a day from December 7th to today. It was interesting. I read some very interesting posts through the holidalies website. There are a couple blogs that I want to follow now after reading them through the holidalies.

This weekend I will most likely take down the holiday layout and put up either my old layout or if I get a quick creative burst for it...maybe a new layout...though I doubt it as I have lots of other things on my plate this weekend.

I do hope that everyone had wonderful holidays!

Releasing Stress?

I think I am coming down from the stress....of the last month. I feel so drained and sad today. Though I should be thrilled my client's website is done and up. So, I think I am just releasing lots of stress I had been holding in....

I have several emails to answer....blog entries to write......comments to write.....and such....

But I am just feeling like I need a break right now. So I am going to go organize my art room as it looks like a tornado hit and then maybe have some time to even do some art this evening. I am sure that will make me feel better!

what is going on with me....and Hurricane Katrina....

So, I guess it is time for me to do a post about Hurricane Katrina....I haven't done a post like this in a while....feel a little too open...but going to post anyway.

I have posted links and such but not said anything because when I think about it...it hurts to much. I break down crying and feel so much pain that I feel like I am falling into a deep pit of darkness. It then start being covered by numbness and then goes to feeling nothing about it one way or the other -- as the day wears on. I guess I feel with the depression I have going on...it is like I am basket filled with emotions and thoughts...they are making the the basket overflow -- because there is too much going in but nothing coming out. During depression it is really hard for me to process any emotion or thought. It is hard for me to focus. So it has no place to go....because I am not processing very well or quickly. When I do seem to process something - it either comes back quickly because I probably did not deal with it totally or it is quickly replaced with something else. So, Hurricane Katrina kind of just hangs on the outside of the basket....never really making sinking in. It does affect me by being there for a little bit....I sob, I hurt but then.....stuff starts bubbling up that overshadows that pain.

So, I know I am not doing anything to help to the people devastated by Hurricane Katrina because I can't even send out good thoughts/energy right now. Usually - without depression - when I do things through out the day, I try to give back and I can't really explain what I do but it almost a meditation/mantra type practice of sending out good thoughts/energy to others. And I haven't been able to do that in a while and I feel very helpless and guilty actually for not being able too. I have several friends online that are going through this hurricane or have family and I haven't even been able to read their lj/blog posts all the way through or comment because I just don't feel like I have anything to give. And I am very sorry for that.

I am very grateful for all the wonderful people that are not only giving money, food, time, housing and such to the effort but also thoughts and healing. Because I do believe all things in this universe are connected and so even those help people. So thank you for giving what I am not...right now.

Life Update

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Alive....Art....

I am alive....

I am just going through quite a bit due to my health and so kind of depressed....thus have not been in a writing mood. We will be leaving to go out of town again on Thursday....so there will probably not be much of an update until next week.

So I will at least post some art....

Play

Together Forever

Quickie

Just a quickie tonight...

Of course I have all sorts of thoughts floating through my head that I want to blog about and of course I can't right now. I don't have the time. That is how it always works. When I have time, nothing comes to mind. When I don't, I have all sorts of things I want to write about.

I have been busy working on websites the last two days and so that is why I have not been able to blog. I will be away from the computer most of the day tomorrow, but am hoping to get in a journal entry when we get home tomorrow. And also catch up on the comments.

The last few days I have felt very down and depressed. Maybe it is my upcoming birthday. I feel birthdays should be special and a cause for celebration. But this year I feel very down about it.

Oh well I need to get to bed....as I need to get up early tomorrow.

But a quote first...

"It has taken me all my life to understand it is not necessary to understand everything." - Rene Coty