Thursday, August 27, 2009

Words...Part 5

I have been doing this meme with some friends where they give me 5 words that come to mind to describe me and then I write about the words.

So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....

Slavery - The meaning of slavery for me hasn't changed really over the years but the understanding of it has a lot. For me being a slave means to be owned and under the authority of another. What all that entailed I don't think I got until being with Master. I mean my previous long term M/s relationship really introduced me to service. But it really didn't give me an understanding of being owned at least not in this sense it has with Master. Master has this presence in my life that makes me feel as though this life is inescapable. Not that I want to escape but it is just the feeling of having no other choice but to serve and be his property. I didn't quite feel that before - in the other was a conscious choice to obey, serve and stay.

Basement-Dweller - The lovely lady that gave me these words and her handsome husband gave me shelter in more ways then just being their basement-dweller. I am ever grateful for their compassion and generosity to open their home to me. Although I was going through a horrible time - depression eating me away big time - I still have many fond memories of living with them.

Depression - I really can look back and see it ever present in my life. Even 4 years old I remember having it. Although I had many happy times and good memories there was that ever presence underneath that didn't see anything good. It also runs in my family - back several generations it can be traced.

I didn't get help for my depression though until in my mid-20's. I was put on prozac and it was a horrible experience. I mean yes it helped me come up out of the darkness but it turned all my emotions off. I remember my Mom calling me to tell me one of her Aunt's died and I was just like "okay." I didn't get upset or feel anything. It also messed with my sexuality too - making me not ever be interested in sex and when we had sex - it was hard for me to orgasm. I went off them about 4 years later and feel I have had long term side-affects because of the prozac. Memory loss from it being the biggest thing.

Several years ago - I was having a really bad run of the depression. I started taking wellbutrin. Master saw an improvement in almost a weeks time. And I haven't had the horrible side-affects. I feel my emotions but they don't drag me all over the place or hang on and on and on. And it didn't turn my sexuality off - thank goodness!

When I went back to visit family, I was very annoyed by their judgment of anti-depressants. My Dad encouraged my Mom to stop taking her anti-depressant. He doesn't want her "addicted" to them. I tried to give my Mom another example for it - she is diabetic and I said do you think he would tell you to go off your diabetic meds so you don't get addicted to them? She said she understood but I could see she really was thinking it wasn't the same thing. They don't view depression as the same as having another disease. Depression is all my head - not real and not really physical illness. They think if I really tried I could "get better." Luckily - as an adult now I don't give a damn what they think. And I can say that. I can say that I will be on meds as long as I need them. They help me and it is a better quality of life with them then without.

Happiness - I think for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That there was something bad or wrong with me so I didn't get to be happy. I also think I thought happiness was something different then I view it now. I think I thought happiness was a state of feeling good and everything being smiley. But obviously that isn't a state of being that can be maintained all day everyday - so not realistic. Basically I now view happiness as a state of contentment with myself and my path. And that I have that thankfully.

Integrity - I think a lot of people throw this word around as part of their "code" but don't really do what it means. I don't use this word when I describe things I live by. And it isn't because I don't think I have integrity. I just think it is a word that is used and not lived so it doesn't have as much meaning to me anymore.

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