Monday, April 30, 2007

Positive Monday

5 Good Things...
1. Got quite a good start on spring cleaning.
2. Mail Love Mail Love! I got the cutest postcard of 2 fairies trying to call Tiny Pizza Delivery. It is so cute! It arrived on a day I really needed that cheer! Thank you Jessica for being so thoughtful in sending it and the words you wrote on it!
3. Strawberry Crystal light giving me a strawberry mustache
4. Master. He is always working hard....hard on his business so that bills are paid, roof over our heads, food on the table and so much more! He is here helping me realize my dreams and giving me experiences I desire. He is here to give me the things he knows I need long term. I am just very blessed to be owned by such a wonderful man.
5. Master being here for me supporting me in a hard decision...and telling me he was proud of me...helped me feel more at ease with the decision.

Daily OM

I had a bunch of Daily Om's flagged in my inbox so I am posting just a few of them here as I feel they were pretty good. Remember these are just snippets to read the whole Daily Om click on the links!

Your Allies On Life's Journey: Finding Your Tribe
Part of being human is the search for an individual identity. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, however, is an equally intense desire for acceptance. It is when we find our individual tribes that both are satisfied. Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are without reservation and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution. Among them, we feel free to be our imperfect selves, to engage unabashedly in the activities we enjoy, and to express our vulnerabilities by relying on our tribe for support. We feel comfortable investing our time and energy in the members of our tribe, and are equally comfortable allowing them to invest their resources in our development.


Foundations Of Evolution: Acknowledging Your Growth
Since personal evolution is most often a slow and gradual process, it can be difficult to recognize the scope of the changes taking place in our lives. Yet it is important that we regularly acknowledge our ongoing growth and reward ourselves for the many wonderful feats of self-improvement we have accomplished. When we intentionally contemplate our progress, we need never feel that we are languishing between past achievements and the realization of future goals.


Consuming To Heal: Filling Imaginary Voids
In our culture today, we are constantly encouraged to consume. This includes food as well as purchasing ever newer items that we may not need, often using money that we may not actually have. It could be that we are trying to fill a void we feel within ourselves, but if we take the time to examine it, we know deep inside that this is not the solution.


Choosing Not To Be A Target: Emotional Attacks
When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It's important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves.


A Magical Mind: Wish
Wishes are important missives, expressing our heart's desire as well as our intention to create something new in our lives. When we wish for something, our consciousness opens to receiving it, like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee.


Lifting Pain's Veil: Bitterness
Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Gratitude Tuesday - P



~ P ~

Peace - Harmony without hostility and violence in the world....such a nice thought. Although I feel "we" could do better with peace, I am grateful for the peace we do have. I think with today's political climate the notion of peace seems so far away but I hope to keep close and give it hope.
Peace Museum - When I was in college a girlfriend and I knew we wouldn't be able to afford the "it" places for spring break. We wouldn't want to go there anywhere as it just wasn't us but we wanted to at least go somewhere even for a long weekend. So we went to Chicago. And one of the highlights of the trip was visiting the Peace Museum. It has some beautiful, moving exhibits and information available. So if you go to Chicago I really do suggest taking the time to visit.
Popcorn, pretzels, pickles, potato chips, peanuts, pop tarts, popper, pizza - all wonderful pms snacks lol okay all just wonderful snacks!
purple - Well it is a marvelous color and my favorite color! I am thankful for PURPLE!
pink - Well I am a girly girl and Daddy's Princess so I do like pink too! It is such a pretty color...pretty in pink!
Princess - I enjoy being Daddy's Princess and I am thankful for there are people out there that get that side and that playing and enjoying each other in that type setting!
pasta - Oh how yummy! Pasta! So many things to do with it. Thankful for all the wonderful dishes I am able to make with pasta!
peppers - I really enjoy peppers too. I put them in quite a bit of my cooking. Red peppers are my favorite the sweetness to them just is perfection! Thankful for peppers.
pillow - I enjoy pillows...pillows to lay my head on at night, pillows on the couch, my pillow that says "My Princess Sleeps Here" - fun, pretty, decoration or to sleep - they all provide comfort.
paper, pastels, paint, paste - all art supplies I need and am thankful for having as a mix media artist!
paperdolls - I loved paperdolls as a child my Grandmother would buy me sets when I stayed with her and she would cut them out with me. They provided countless hours of fun. I now have a few sets and they still give me great joy to play!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Positive Monday

5 Good Things...
1. Master being here all the time....working, playing, resting.....being with him so much is something I am very grateful for.
2. Happiness for my friends that find magic in the lives.
3. Reading through old Master and I wrote each other when we first met and until I moved to be with him...make me smile. Grateful for those times...grateful to still have them to read and grateful we are together.
4. For overly ripe bananas to make chocolate chip banana bread tomorrow
5. For lip balm to help sooth my dry lips.

The Closet Q&A

A few weeks ago I posted that Master is going to lock me in the closet for 24 hours. He and I have talked about several times in the past. It is a fantasy we both have as it really drives home many aspects of our relationship of Owner/property. Plus we both enjoy isolation and sensory deprivation play (of course him from the doing and me from the having it done to me points of view *smile*). After last year I think we both are looking for a way to kind of bring that year to a place of closure. We have been slowly moving to where we want our M/s relationship again since the start of the New Year but I think that doing this as kind of a ritual will help close that door on last year and move us forward in a more solid way.

So we sat down and really discussed the realities of it. It is a GREAT masturbational fodder fantasies and believe me I know as it often where my mind goes when I masturbate...I mean almost always when I masturbate it is about long term isolation. But Master and I live this life within reality and so he really wanted to discuss the practicalities of it... I mean really think about if you were locked in a closet for 24 hours the issues that might occur? need to use the bathroom but locked in the closet so now what? eating? add in being a 39 old big girl body sitting/lying/kneeling on the floor for 24 hours...oh that is going to feel great! how about just boredom? how about panic? all those things are very real...they are just a few of the very concrete issues of being locked up for 24 hours.

So as I said Master wanted to discuss real solutions to the practicalities to this and as Tim Gunn would say - Make it work! Master does want my input. As with everything in the end it will be his final decisions of what actually happens. He does though want my feelings and thoughts so he can gauge how to get/pull what he wants from it. Master also doesn't think it is possible to be locked 24 hours without that door opening at least once if not more so it isn't technically complete isolation for 24 hours. He does have solutions for making me stay in my headspace when he opens the door.

The closet is not a huge walk in. It is 3 feet by 7 feet. It has shelves right in the middle that go floor to ceiling so really it divides the closet in 2 and each little side is about 3 feet by 3 feet. The clothes will be taken out and things that are on the floor at the moment (laundry basket and shoe rack).

Problems/Solutions

Bathroom: One side of the closet will have a bucket so that I can piss in it. I am now pissing in a bucket at least once a day so that I can get used to squatting over it. Master says soon I will be practicing with it in the closet. I close my eyes and think of a dark dank cell and chained to the wall. A bucket sitting there next to me that I piss in. So thinking of that...thinking I will smell it after going in it a few times I am sure it will smell...and it makes me feel very animal like. It turns me on. But the girly girl in me does go ewww! But in the end I know it will turn me on as it will hit many being nothing kind of of buttons, being property...humiliation and degradation buttons of course too.

Master is going to be giving me enemas working up to the 24 hour day so that my body knows this is when I have my bowel movement is during enema time. And that will be one of the first thing that happens before he locks me in for the 24 hours.

Eating: Bottled water for drinking. The thought of making me piss in that bucket more does of course turn Master on so I think if he thought I would be doing it a lot he would give me a case of bottled water. :) Part of my fantasies do include fasting and such as I feel this is spiritual thing for me also. Spiritual in the realm of M/s though....worshiping him and this journey we are on. So fasting not only for that but him not allowing me to eat hits buttons that turn me on also. But Master does like the thought of dragging me out pushing my head into a dog dish to eat or feeding me from his hand. He visions me wearing one of the hoods that covers my head but is open around my mouth/chin and so I could eat while being totally blocked out still, eating and then shoving me back in the closet. But he is still thinking on that too.

Sitting/kneeling/lying: We also will be working on getting me ready to be in there for longer periods. Being isolated like that will be different for me. We will be doing shorter terms such as one hour, and then maybe 3...and then up to maybe 6 or 9 hours. But Master and I both agreed longer then that we both feel might not be helping form final goals we have for this. Such as there are things he wants to get from the 24 hours one just endurance and surrender to it. I also am going to be losing furniture privileges more often.

Boredom: Well Master has discussed some hours will have tasks assigned. We have a little clock/timer and so I might have to kneel and just meditate for a length of time. He might give me the Hitachi to masturbate at times. I might be writing affirmations. I might be writing thoughts/feelings on just being in there or topics he choses. I might have to do blindfold time or clips or SM type things for set time periods. In the past when we discussed this there were talks of having recordings of his voice going hearing his voice telling me I am his plus humiliating or degrading things to remind me I am his property. In the past we had talked about him having music playing loudly - music to make me aware of my confines - loud industrial hard to concentrate type music. And then other times soft and serene. I have no idea if he will do those things but I just know we had discussed them a long time ago when discussing isolation. But again some of the reason for doing this is endurance and surrender that I am his property to just lock up...so I am needing to surrender to that. So it is kind of like so what you are bored...then that will be times I will really need to talk myself through that I am his property. One of my big things about my service at times is doing things to get through it without his help. Because I like the thought of doing it for him but without him having to watch over me second by second. I am not sure I am explaining it well.

Panic: Well Master wants to see how I do each time we up the time in the closet. And then we will gauge how to deal with panic. He does as I said anticipate opening that door. So he might open the door to gauge how I am by looking at me and then close/lock the door right back up. There might be other options but we are not sure we want to utilize them - we have intercom system in our cordless phones. So I could be in the closet with the phone and reach Master if absolutely necessary but the idea that it is even there is something that doesn't appeal to me. But he does also know I would never use it unless as said absolutely necessary. But if he is here and able to check on me for his own reassurances then is it necessary? Again all things that he is still thinking on and I think really again will gauge more as he watches what goes on as I am in there more then just an hour.

I am sure there other problems/solutions we haven't thought of yet. We are trying to be realistic without ruining the fantasy. Master asked me recently if writing about it and talking about it and such is making it less for me....and the answer is No! Still thinking about it and masturbating to it. And I am also aware that the thoughts that go through my head most likely will be totally different that the reality of it. It is really hot in my brain. But I am sure I will get bored. I am sure I will panic. I am sure I will wonder what the hell is going on...why am I locked in there...that I have the right to be out....all those thoughts might go through my head but doesn't change anything.

I think one of the hardest physical things will be just the time on the ground that long. Emotionally and mentally I do think there will be a point when I will think I am entitled to be out. That I don't deserve it I am sure I will twist around into Master being mean and not fair. Yes can we all roll our eyes....but I can see after a long time my mind doing that because I don't want to take responsibility that it was my fantasy and know I need to endure/surrender. By the end I am hoping I come out at peace and feeling grateful to be Master's property. Master thinks he will feel primal that I was his thing in the closet. And suspects I will be used thoroughly.

I think I have covered most of the questions I got about the closet time...if not please feel free to ask!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Thank you!

swan words: "danae is a calm and steady voice in the sometimes overheated blogging world. So often, I find myself nodding when she writes about the everydayness of service and slavery. Although our backgrounds and paths are quite dissimilar, our understandings quite often fall into sync. When I am most shaken by the chatter of many many "me too" voices, I find this blog a haven of reasonableness and mature thought.

Lord Spooner (danae's Master) writes a sometimes infrequent but deeply thoughtful and often challenging blog that represents one of the very few intelligent and informed outlets for Dominant voices that I have found."




We would like to thank swan over at The Heron Clan for the Thinking Blog award! She was very kind and generous with her words and the thought to give us the award. The Heron Clan blog is always one we tend to count on our must reads. It is a thinking blog also that evokes emotions and contemplation. Swan's words capture slavery in its varying degrees and we find a voice of like that often has us nodding with recognition from each side of the coin. We happy to encounter such a wonderful spirit through this realm! Thank you Swan for giving us the award!

~ Michael & danae

(With the award we are suppose to give it to 5 people who are Thinking Blogs....well there are too many to chose from but we did want to thank swan for her kind words! Thank you to the many blogs out there like The Heron Clan that constantly give us food for thought. It's blogs like these that intelligently bring emotions up while sharing their journey with the rest of us can relate to on a personal and intellectual manner. Thank you!)

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Book Reviews: The Academy & The Reunion

From The Reunion by Laura Antoniou...

Robin said: "But you hurt me a lot and not just in my ass." ...."I can get so angry with you -- and then I can just let it go. I've never been like that with anyone before."

Chris said: "It's an essential part of training to provoke strong emotions. But as you know, one mark of a good slave is the ability to let the anger go and continue working, continue serving, continue offering respect and deference. Now, if the anger and shame and hurt can then change to love or affection or lust -- well, that's our mark as a sadomasochist, isn't it?"

*********


I read The Academy and The Reunion recently. The Academy I had started many times and never got the chance to finish because well life got in the way. Anyway, I finished The Academy and the Reunion and I was totally captivated as I was with the rest of the series.

The Marketplace series is BDSM fiction by Laura Antoniou. It is about an underground organization that operates around the world in slave training, selling and buying. The books main focus is the training of slaves. And each book offers compelling characters that unfold into an extraordinary story and world.

The Academy
has a second title called Tales of the Marketplace as it is not only a story of trainers gathering from all over the world for a conference but it has stories interwoven into it by guest authors such as Karen Taylor (Laura's wife), david stein, Cecila Tan and a few others that I know I am not remembering at the moment. The overall story/plot to the Academy is fascinating as it offers more of a background to Chris Parker. Chris Parker is a character through out the whole series and he makes me melt when he is in his trainer role as well as his service as a slave.

Things I really enjoyed about The Academy:
~ the background about Chris and then how the book ends with his story I was cheering and crying for him! I was so happy! I get tears in my eyes right now thinking about how he finally got what his heart had always longed for....it just makes me feel so good!

~ the seeing Michael struggle with training under Chris....not really the struggle but his little subtle light bulb moments that he gets it. I liked those moments where he really just was struggling and then everything became clear.

~ the various stories of the marketplace - by the guest authors were just so fun, exciting, and of course made me want to know more about each of the characters outlined in each.

~ as always just reading and seeing how Chris serves amazes me. Such grace.

There are many other wonderful things about the book but those are the main things for me that are woven throughout.

The Reunion
I wrote in another post I am so glad I hadn't read it until now. It really touched home for me some of the things I felt last year when I was going through burn out...the struggles, the doubts of if I could cut it, and so on.

The Reunion is a vacation for slaves. They go on a vacation with other slaves/ex-slaves/retired slaves from the marketplace and are able to relax and enjoy themselves away but with like minded people. This story was set in Ireland in a wonderful old castle that has been turned into a resort. Some of the staff Kaleigh castle are Marketplace staff and trainers/trainees. The book also reunites Chris and Robin from
The Slave
. And I was looking forward to that and enjoyed their plot line in the book. Yummy! As always Chris just makes me melt as he tops Robin but also as a slave.

If you think a vacation full of slaves doesn't contain good SM and smut, you would be wrong. Oh my fanning myself! It did contain some very good SM & smut. And again one of the main reasons I love the Marketplace books is the service. The service is incredible again from Chris to the staff at the castle - incredible. This book also contains a mystery story line woven through and it was compelling to keep reading and wondering who was behind it all.

I really related to each character in different ways. I found myself nodding to things many of the slaves said - no matter if they were retired, new, struggling with where they fit in the marketplace, if they should come back, stay being a slave and so on. Laura captured so many varying degrees of life in slavery and again although a fictional setting she captures real life feelings of slavery extremely accurately. I am sure I will read the Reunion again soon. And again I am so glad I read it at this point in my life as going through last years burn out many struggles and questions the slaves went through/asked were things I related too and I am not sure I would have been so in touch with that if I had read it right after I bought it 3 years ago.

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
9 / 25
(36.0%)

The Marketplace

So I reread The Marketplace for like the billionth time a couple weekends ago....okay not quite that many but it is a book I have read many times. Just picking up my copy you can see the wear to its cover and pages. I was actually trying to think back when I first read the book and I remember it was at Sir and girlie's house. It was when I first visited them (in 2000) as they had the series and many other lifestyle books I had never read so I was welcome to read anything while there. I read The Marketplace, The Slave and part of The Trainer. And then I also read Hand in a Bush and another book that I know girlie would know what it was...last name of the author...I think was Ward. And then my memory is failing me as I feel I received The Marketplace and The Slave as gifts from either Sir and girlie or from Moni and Michael (which I actually think I might have got The Marketplace from Sir and girlie and then The Slave from Moni and Michael??). I then bought the Trainer when Laura spoke at SMART. And then Master allowed me to use some Christmas money I had saved to buy The Academy and The Reunion (though I had read part of the Academy at Sir and girlie's on another visit) at Thunder one year when Laura spoke there.

I know I read them once when I was kind of ummm what is the word for it...I don't even know. I had some friends a M/s couple in Kansas City and all of us were kind interested in each other...as a possible add to their household. Anyway I started to reread the series and the male of that couple and I discussed the books quite a bit. In the discussions we had I was told I was like Brian. At the time I remember saying I didn't understand that at all. I probably get why he said that more now then I did at that time. At that time in my life although I wanted to be in 24/7 M/s relationship and thought I could do it...because hey I am a slave (although I had trouble saying that outloud). But that had been surface. I had been like Brian. I could do all the things a slave did in actions but intention and feelings behind them were different.

I had served in a poly household for 2 years as a slave..but the internal feelings that resonate inside that say this is what being a slave is....wasn't there. So I had really never felt it what being a slave was like before. With Don I was enslaved to him but even then it was different as happened so fast and I didn't know the words for what we were doing. I think I felt it internally which is why I never felt satisfied in relationships after because I wasn't feeling that internal feeling I had when I was with Don. I just didn't know what it was that I needed...that was missing. Anyway, at the time I was told I was like Brian, I had come out several failed relationships and was pretty bitter that I would really find someone that I meshed with. And frankly in my mind at the time I really wasn't sure there was the right male out there that knew what they were doing...really got what was needed to own property. Yes, I had an attitude. So now looking back at my life of course I can relate to Brian because Brain thought he knew what being a slave was about. And it wasn't until he broke that he REALLY got it (I still cry reading that part). He had been going through the motions and never really felt it through and through. With Master I feel it through and through. I am owned and I am not just serving through actions I feel it and I think those feeling come out in my actions even stronger now.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Sam's, Doritios and Gasmasks

So today was a good day for us. I woke up with Master gathering me in his arms to spoon me which was lovely despite his cold feet! We had some morning fun and then got ready to head out and run errands. We had several stops the last being Sam's. We of course got more then what we were planning on getting but we found some things we normally elsewhere but less expensive at Sam's. So as always with Sam's some things can more expensive and other times it is big savings....today was a big savings day. Today was one of those days that I felt great. I felt kind of pretty, hair in place, make up going on good, wearing a new skirt that Master bought me for my birthday shopping trip that was a spring skirt on a clearance rack. One of those skirts you see everywhere that is tiered and twirly. After getting home we just laid in bed and played with the kitty cats for a bit. I got online and saw about the shooting so then we tuned to CNN.

I am making menus as Master and I are doing grocery shopping tomorrow. I am pmsing because my cravings are out there! Doritios and brownie fudge sundaes. When I was little I used to eat vanilla or chocolate - with lays potato chips crushed and then mixed in. I think I got that from Grandpa but I can't remember for sure. I asked Master if he had ever ate ice cream that way and of course I got a look and a no for an answer. :)

I have tried to write up yesterdays welcome home but I get all fuzzy just thinking about it. There was lots of FANTASTIC sex...orgasms and more orgasms and more orgasms...oh my! It started the gas mask and ended with spandex full hood. It included many wonderfully sadistic things including face slapping, punching and breath play. And at the end Master was spooning me with his cock pressed against my bottom...both of us spent...and trying to catch our breath. And ready for a nap!

Oh I mentioned last night he called me princess...he said, "I love you my princess." He would look at me with this so gentle and nice face of my Daddy....and then squeeze and twist my breasts like he was trying to pull them off. The sadism mixed with the gentleness of the words....the look on his face...the affection..was a little surreal but absolutely wonderful too.

It really was fun! It was much needed fun after being away from each other for several days!

Master had been meaning to get a shot of me in the gasmask. We didn't get the end...where a tube can connect. It is the part that Master does have fun blocking it off - a fun breath play toy. The gasmask although I can see out makes me all fuzzy. It hasn't (knock on wood) caused me to break out and I am sure because it is rubber has some latex in it...but never has bothered me like rubber ball gags do and other latex products. So not sure why but thankful!



(Master's post on our Sunday afternoon fun.)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Master's princess

Master just replied to a comment on my last post over (at Livejournal) and he used the icon I have put with this post. And it made me think of our afternoon and smile. It was really great to have Master hurting me and calling me princess at the same time. Really got to me in a good way.

More tomorrow when my brain comes back!

Waiting....

Sitting here naked with just the purple and black cuffs on and lots of slutty eye make up waiting for Master. He should be home in about 30 minutes. He likes slutty blue eye shadow - thick, heavy and trashy like a good whore. And then I know he likes these cuffs too. I haven't been able to surprise him like this in a long time since he now works from home. And I know this is something he really enjoys to find me all ready for him. I have missed him BUNCHES and BUNCHES so thought I would show him how much!

I know I am going to need to help unload all the equipment so I have some clothes out on the couch that I can slip over....that will cover the cuffs.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Q&A: Art...

On your art, when did you know you loved art? What was the first thing you created?

I don't think there was one definitive moment that said I love art. I remember creating always and it just feeling so good. I would draw all the time as a child. I remember I think though my first watercolor of my Grandmother's church when I was about 10 I think that made me go....this is what I want to do when I grow up...I want to be an artist.

Q&A: What do I get...

What do you get out of slavery? By this I mean, what makes all the sacrifices worth while? What is it that keeps you from wanting more equality, especially in the everyday aspects?

The above questions were asked of me after posting a slavery post a few weeks ago. I think that the things that some might view as sacrifices aren't really sacrifices for me. Most of the time things that are viewed a sacrifice to others are actually fulfilling my need to serve and that need to have someone to bend to. So many little things fulfill my desire to serve. If I am making bigger sacrifices, it is because I see the long term big picture. Last year Master and I both made MANY sacrifices. We were just burnt out - each for our own reasons but over all reason being starting up a business. So we made those sacrifices as we have faith and foresight for the relationship as a whole. Everyone has to make sacrifices no matter if you are in a vanilla relationship or not. It is just part of a relationship. And so some of those sacrifices do feed my service needs and others I suck it up and deal as it is just part of being dedicated to a relationship.

So such as an example I used in the slavery post...the never buying a tube of lipstick again without asking. It is a struggle at times but for me looking at it long term...is giving up the freedom to buy a tube of lipstick worth the trade to serve, be able to be completely free to be me....to be in this type of dynamic that I thrive in and am fulfilled in? NO WAY!

I don't want equality. I don't desire at all to be his peer. If he started treating me as his equal, we would probably be sitting down to discuss what the heck was going on....and same way if I asked to be equal he would be wanting to know what is up. We are who we are together because we are able to be who we are...and that fits together nicely! If he didn't want to have the power, control, authority in this relationship - and I didn't want to bend, yield, obey, serve....then we wouldn't be together. We work because we both get things out of this relationship by being able to just be.

I hope that makes sense....and if it doesn't please feel free to tell me...or ask more questions! Always open for questions!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Changing...letting go of Fear....

This is from another post I did a few days ago: "I keep thinking there is lots of things like that...that used to be so hard and now seem easier....I feel like some things that were "hard" in the past just don't seem that big of deal because my slavery is at a very different point."

And so I started thinking about that....things changing and being easier.

I remember the first time Master wanted me to get in the cage...not even locked in just get in door open...unlocked. A HUGE panic came over me and I froze. I was unable to move...or speak...just tears streaming down my face. It had been a fantasy for so long and then I let the fear take hold - not the longings of fantasy or longings of being a slave...longings of obedience and service take hold....just fear...controlling me.

The bucket has also been that area of fear from me. I know that fear was from past relationship but anyway in starting with it again this weekend...I just did it. I didn't hesitate...no second guessing....no fear of the unknown controlling things. I just squatted over the bucket and pissed in it. Those feelings of being property and being this thing that doesn't get to use the toilet....of course crept up and turned me on. In the past those things would turn me on but the fear of the unknown also would have taken a-hold and screamed so loud that I couldn't have pushed past to my core desires...to serve him, amuse him, please him...OBEY HIM. So even last night as he watched relieving myself in the bucket...piss dripping down my leg as I stood up - I did it without feeling all the old insecurities and fears of what will happen if I do become just a piece of property.

I am Master's property - have been for 4 years. I have been His slave for 4 years too. But I feel each year with him that meaning of property....that meaning of slave changes as we keep moving forward on this journey. And so saying I was his property 4 years ago had a much different meaning and feelings attached to it today. I feel it without so much fear attached to it.

Naughty Secretary...


Click to give the secretary a spanking

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Graitude Tuesday - O



~ O ~

orgasms - Well of course it tops the list of O's...I am thankful that Master allows me have and gives me. I am grateful for orgasms and the endorphins they release that make me feel euphoric.
open-minded - I am thankful for having an open-mind and for those around me who are open-minded. I am glad there are so many people willing to consider ideas and opinions that are new or different to their own.
open - I guess is the same as above but I think being open means a slightly different things. I think of being open to things coming into my life, open to with feelings and thoughts, people, things so that you can fully experience all that life brings. I am thankful for being open.
opal - I really love that they are quite different then all the other birthstones. They are mysterious, complex, delicate, and sparkly (appealing to that girly girl said of me)...and I am thankful they are my birthstone.
October - which brings us to October not only the month of my birth but also my favorite month of the year. And I would like to think it is not because it is just my birthday but I really love what October seems to bring to the year...the autumn weather at it's peak. The smell, the cool air, the fall harvest so the foods...just so many wonderful things that come about in October.
O/p - Owner/property dynamic...is what I think describes our relationship best. I am thankful for that dynamic and thankful to be Master's property. I am thankful to be owned.
obedience - I am obedience-wired. In the dynamic I am in - it is also required. And I am happy to obey Master.
objectification - It at times makes me very hot...so I am thankful for all the opportunities I have had to explore objectification.
oil pastels - as an artist I like using oil pastels at times. I just pulled them out recently as I hadn't used them in a long time. And I loved the smell and the feel of them in my hand and the feel of them as they pressed and marked the surface below them.
Oreo Cookies - Oh I am pmsing right now and Oreo cookies and a big glass of milk sound splendid! I love taking them apart and liking the white creamy center and then munching on the crunchy cookie after. Or seeing how long they will last before breaking into bits when dunked in a glass of milk. And then eating all the mushy cookies out of the bottom of the glass! Yummy Oreos!
Olive Oil - I love to cook with olive oil. And thankful for all the wonderful things I cook with it.
Oven - I love to bake and cook so I am very thankful for the oven that cooks so many yummy meals and treats!
Ornaments - I have written about my set of Christmas tree ornaments. I love Christmas and decorating the tree with Master. We hang each ornament and talk about the memories associated with them. Each representing a wonderful memory.
Opportunities - Thankful for all the opportunities that I ahve daily in my life...be it my relationship with Master, my art, or just little simple everyday things....such making Master dinner. I am thankful for all opportunities in my lfie.
Ordinary - I am thankful for the ordinary things in life...they are simple and everyday but make up so much of the journey and so in that way are extraordinary.
Orange - I do like th color orange and am grateful for the inspiration it gives me and comes through in various ways in my life.
organic - As I posted yesterday in Positive Monday...the Ideal Bite to live a greener life. I do like organic. It isn't always possible as it does cost more but I thankful for those that make organic products.
okay - I am thankful for being okay. I think okay is sometimes overlooked. We want everyday to be great - wishing we had that honeymoon period everyday but we forget that hey today was okay. It wasn't horrible - but I am here I made it...I had some good things in it. And I lived my life today.
ocean - I am thankful for the ocean I have only seen it once but it was an amazing experience and I am thankful for memory.
old things - I am thankful for old things, old looking things...I use lots of old letters, photos, hardware, postcards, books in my art so I like old things
online - I am thankful for being able to be online - blogging, chatting with friends, emailing, shopping, playing...so many things to do!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Positive Monday

5 Good Things in my life...
1. Daily OM - they really do remind me important lessons in my life
2. Notes from the Universe - they are quirky, fun and thoughtful
3. Ideal Bite - an email that I get daily giving little tips about living a more green lifestyle
4. Email Inbox - emails and comments that come to my inbox and make me smile, cry, laugh and just be thankful to have so many wonderful friends in my life
5. Blogs/Livejournal - thankful for all the wonderful reads through my friends list on livejournal and links I have on my blog.

Sugasm #74

I had a few people suggest I submit an entry to Sugasm...so I thought I would try it out.

This Week’s Picks
History: Marlene on the Wall (http://thismuse.blogspot.com)
“3AM, showering, head, his hands soapy on my breasts, I’m thankful I’ve dropped weight, the water is warm and cool enough to feel like bed.”

Afternoon Debauchery (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
“Occasionally he’d push it further inside me, from where it had involuntarily escaped due to slickness and enthusiastic vibrations.”

Too Many Choices (http://bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)
“We’d been naked most of the time since getting here on Friday, so I wasn’t surprised when I reached under her skirt and found that she wasn’t wearing any panties.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Circumcision? Bullshit. (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice
Spanking Models Run For Charity, AKA Bums on the Run (http://adelehaze.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Ah! Yer Kegeling Me! (http://smutandsteff.com)
The Cruel Algorithm of Desire (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)
Gold Star Academy of Discipline to open Washington DC branch! (http://principalquattrano.com/blog)
Thoughts on the “true love revolution” (http://www.jessicagoldharalson.com)

NSFW Pics (& videos)
Jesse Capelli Nude (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)
Webmistress Feature Gallery: Dirty Chores (http://www.TaraTainton.com)

Sex Work
Oh, for the good old days (http://www.callacuckoldress.com/blog)

BDSM & Fetish
Hitting the Edge (http://lafillemariee.blogspot.com)
A Kinky Friend says… (http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)
“Late for a Spanking” from He’s on Top, part two (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)
Laughter (http://www.kinkerbelle.com)
Lessons in the Boardroom, Part 3 (http://dragonflygeisha.blogspot.com)
March Questions: SM (http://danaewhispering.blogspot.com)
Meeboguest G confesses: “She likes denying my orgasms” (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)
Softness (http://kinkyfarmwife.blogspot.com)
Surprise… (http://fantasy-nuggets.blogspot.com)
Trip - Day One (http://www.timidboy.com)

Sex News
Half-nekkid invitation (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)
The latest in Free Speech Coalition v. Gonzales (http://mikeymongol.blogspot.com)


Erotic Writing and Experiences
600 (http://secretbrain.blogspot.com)
Elusive spunk (http://rubytellsall.com)
The face at the window (http://thelastseduction.blogspot.com)
Feast of Delights (http://confessions112.blogspot.com)
Fuck Me (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)
Fuckfest March, part 3 (http://mysexualmisadventures.blogspot.com)
Hold it Against Me. Please. (http://www.betweensheets.net)
I need…. (http://ellesnovellas.blogspot.com)
I took the plunge (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)
In the Back Row pt. 5 (http://kislee.naughtyblog.net)
La chasse (http://www.easilyaroused.co.uk)
“… not really.” (http://celebrateyournaughtiness.blogspot.com)
On the Road Again (http://sabrinainstockings.com)
Parents Possessed (http://http://dirtyandthirty.blogspot.com)
“So does this make me a slut or what?” (http://lastbreath.wordpress.com)
Sperm-a-thon (http://drtycplinva.blogspot.com)
A Tiny Flame (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)
Trembling (http://curvaceousdee.blogspot.com)
Using it (http://thenakedrhetoricaltruth.blogspot.com)
Whose Cock Is This Anyway? (http://domain2.blogspot.com)
You say good-bye, i say hello (http://nocloudnine.blogspot.com)
Your voice (http://lifewords.wordpress.com)

Sex Reviews & Advice
“G” Marks The Spot: Part One (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Gwen (Forever) Diamond (http://www.connectbycam.com/blog)
The Sadistic Tourist (http://blog.atlantabondage.com)
She’s On Top Book Tour (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Weekend Recap

This weekend was absolutely lovely even with the minor family blip. But time with Master was very nice. We relaxed lots, took some much needed naps (together of course), talking, watching movies and such. One of our discussion topics was about some extended locked in closet time....a 24 hour period. So we discussed the realities....such as needing to go to the bathroom, eating, sitting on the floor for that long, tasks while in there and so on. It is a walk in closet but not huge. But there is room for a bucket...so that would serve for bathroom needs plus add in a humiliation factor. So Master wants me to get used to the bucket again and so I am to start using it once a day this week. Yesterday being my first time. It is an odd feeling but not as bad as I remembered. I keep thinking there is lots of things like that...that used to be so hard and now seem easier. And not because of frequent use that they do have the same affect. We don't do anything really so much that it becomes that way. So even after such a long time it just felt different - not in a horrible way. I feel like some things that were "hard" in the past just don't seem that big of deal because my slavery is at a very different point.

So...anyway...what else...Oh...we also had fun playing yesterday! Posture collar, ankle and wrist cuffs (a set that I haven't wore in a really long time - purple my favorite color), gagged, clips (where Master being the wonderful sadistic man would loosen their grip and then reclip them right away making me want to jump through the roof), punching, slapping and lots and lots of orgasms!

Well I better get to laundry, chores and maybe do some art.

Friday, April 06, 2007

March Questions: Blogging III

These were two sets of questions but since on the same topic of journaling/blogging I am combining them.

First question was asked about my blogspot: Why do you use the icons like LJ in your posts?

I am visual....suppose that is linked to the artist side in me. I got hooked on icons when I started my livejournal. If you look at my livejournal profile, you will see I am an icon whore as I belong to a ton of icon communities. I also started making my own icons about 2 years ago. And so have an icon community for them - The Unexpected Box. They are little 100 x 100 box that expresses something about how I am feeling or just relates to the post. So basically it gives a little picture of what the post might be about.


Do you journal so that you can express your thoughts for yourself? Or do you journal so that others can read what you have to say? Or is it a combination of both? Do you get upset if no one comments on what you have written? Do you prefer that people don't comment? Did you journal before the electronic medium? Do you journal because the person that owns you says you have to? If that is the case, is it more of a chore or a pleasure?

I answered some of these in another my first March Question & Answer post so this might sound like a repeat - at least a little bit.

Breaking the questions apart...
Do you journal so that you can express your thoughts for yourself? Or do you journal so that others can read what you have to say? Or is it a combination of both?

Yes I do journal to express my thoughts. I journal to just get things out that are banging around inside my head. I also journal because I do like to share and get feedback from others. Way back when I started journaling I was inspired by several but few adult type blogs that were out there...Jane of Jane's Guide had a blog talking of her kink experiences as well of poly lifestyle. Heather Corinna well she is just all around great and sex positive and the only link I have had for all 7 years of blogging. A couple others that aren't around anymore (including shimmering - miss her posts).

Do you get upset if no one comments on what you have written? Do you prefer that people don't comment?

Blogger: When I first started blogging, comments weren't something anyone did. It just wasn't a part of blogging services. When it did come available I tried it out for like 2 weeks and I got slammed with rude and you need to be saved type comments. So I stopped that. I didn't start up again with comments until I was with Master. I really enjoyed leaving comments on other blogs so thought why not give it another try. At first I got a lot and really enjoyed the feed back. But then they died down. And that was okay. I do like comments but it is okay when I don't receive them. If I don't want comments on blogger, I either blog offline or I just post it on livejournal and turn off comments. I know blogger has that option but if I am feeling the need to turn off comments usually it is something very sensitive or hard to write about and so I don't share it on blogger.

Livejournal: When I first started over on livejournal, I instantly felt different about comments - there. Comments there seem different too - almost community/elist interaction. I like that interaction. So the answer is I do like comments. When I don't want comments, I either don't journal online or I turn off comments and at times filter.

I really appreciate all comments I got - via blogger or livejournal. Thank you!

Did you journal before the electronic medium?

yes I have kept journals on and off since in Junior High. And I still at times keep one offline - either through a just a word document or a handwritten journal.

Do you journal because the person that owns you says you have to? If that is the case, is it more of a chore or a pleasure?

No, Master doesn't tell me I have to journal. He actually read my journal long before contacting me. And I inspired him to start one - and all that before we exchanged our first emails. He likes that I journal. He does not dictate what I write or when I write and I am very thankful for that. He just wants me to share and write about whatever I can...whenever I can.

Blogging Q&A Part 1 and Part 2.

I know it isn't March but please still feel free to ask questions! I have I think one or two more that were actually asked in March to do.

**Feel free to ask anything you might want to know and I will answer. I am screening the questions AND allowing anonymous comments.

Bondage & The Rapture of Canaan

I have talked about that I had a big stack of books to go through/read. I was thinking about those books today because it is so odd that I lugged these unread books from one place to the next...and made it here...clear across the country. Yet a book of China that I can never replace got misplaced.

Anyway last summer when I did a major clean up of our closets and cupboards I found this box with all the unread books. So I put them on my book shelf next to the bed in hopes I would get through them eventually. And I am getting through them.

Last week I read a book called Bondage by Patti Davis (Ron and Nancy Reagan's daughter). I was given it as a gift in 2000 and never read it. It had some light bondage in it. It wasn't horrible. But it isn't a book I would read again or keep on my bookshelf.

Basic plot Sarah is has built up lots of walls around herself so that when she enters a relationship she controls it - she decides where it will go and what she will feel and how it will end. And then she meets Anthony and everything changes. He seems to be able break those walls down and crawl into her head and create her thoughts and feelings. I liked some of the descriptions of how he made her feel but not really a book about SM but more about the mental aspects of submission (for the most part).

So the book really didn't turn me on even with the title and the topic. But then I picked up The Rapture Canaan by Sheri Reynolds. In 2001 - maybe 2002 my Mom got on an Oprah book club book kick. She went through the archives and picked several books from all the past club years. So she gave me several of them after she was done with them. And The Rapture of Canaan is one of them.

Now the last book called Bondage didn't turn me on but there were moment in this next book The Rapture of Canaan did...as strange as that might sound to anyone who has read the book.

The book was about a 15 year girl named Ninah who lives in a very an isolated religious community ruled by her Grandfather Herman. She is allowed to go public school but really that is her only touch with the outside world. Their community has strict rules - like women wear long dresses and can't cut their hair. Men can't shave - they keep a beard. They all work her Grandfather's land and live on it. When they do something wrong they have to sleep on nettles, walk with walnut shells in their shoes, use clothes pins on their body to remind them of Jesus' pain. Ninah starts to like one boy and they are set as prayer partners. They really like each other and pray for their feelings to end and often do the self punishment to stop their lust feelings. But they end up having sex (in the name of Jesus) and Ninah becomes pregnant. So it is the story of Ninah how she deals with that her pregnancy and the community as she has sinned by fornicating although she denies it. I really liked the book but I didn't like how it ended. It was okay. I understand why it ended like it did but I wanted to know what next. That always irritates me when that happens with a book. But I am glad I read it and I could see reading it again. Oh something I almost forgot...and a part of the book that I liked was she weaved and her thoughts and how she weaved were interesting.

So Bondage I would give 3 out of 5 stars and and The Rapture of Canaan 4 out of 5.

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
7 / 25
(28.0%)


The links above on the books is an used book store a Better World has free shipping (in the USA) and their money goes to fund different literacy programs and care for the environment. So from now on when I link to books if I can find them there I will put a link there before using an Amazon link.

I also need to do reviews of books that I read before these 2 but these were fresh in mind so I wanted to get them done. Other books to review: The Academy and The Reunion by Laura Antoniou, Kink by Kathe Koja, Suicide Blonde by Darcy Steinke and Creative Utopia: 12 Ways to Realize Total Creativity by Theo Stephan Williams. I thought there was one more in there and I can't remember at the this time but not feeling like going and looking at this moment.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Sharing...

A very good read...

The fruit of slavery - Bitter or sweet? by namaste

Hoods

Okay this is going to be a rare rare occasion of a post...photos...of me but with the subject matter I am sure you can see why.

padme is a lucky girl! She got a hood for her anniversary with her Master. So we were kind of discussing them and she asked me what kind of hoods Master has for me. It is a fetish of Master's that we keep expanding on and I am happy to go along with as they have become a favorite of mine as well.

Once upon a time I didn't think hoods would be something I would ever like. But as I said it is a fetish of Master's so it wasn't an option -- I was going to like them. And he did a GREAT job in training me to like them! But again it was something I never thought I would like. I actually had a good amount of fear attached to them. I was very panicked by the thought of having something covering my head and face. So he had some work to do to get me over that because he wanted me to enjoy them like he does.

So the first hood Master started me out in this black rubber latex open faced hood. I am allergic to latex but at that time I didn't know/get that. That hood is a bitch to get on. But it was a great starter hood to get me used to things being *over* my head but not covering my face. It created kind of a suction though with the ears so if you have ear problems be aware of that.

Master got me used to the hood by just laying on the bed not doing anything with me sexually or even that involved SM. Just lying on the bed wearing the hood...snuggling and talking. And then he would take to where he played with me sexually but nothing else was involved. And then maybe a little SM involved. Each time stepped up a little bit. And then we moved on to the next hood.

The next hood was this hood that was a simple black cotton hood with an open mouth. I haven't found one like it on the web. It really was great for taking the next step in hoods because it was a thin enough cotton I could see out of so it wasn't totally encased in blackness from the get go. I also could breath which was another fear of the hood even though I love breath play - go figure.

And again he trained me with this hood just like that last. And by the time he was done....I was dreaming and lusting after hoods. I ended up going to Master one night and begging him for it. And he smiled. He was so happy that he had turned me on to his fetish. But I still was scared of the next step in hoods but having my head covered with just the mouth hole made me think about the next step and get wet even with my fear still lurking around.

The next hood I can't find anything like it on the web either. Basically it was 2 pieces of leather sewn together leaving the back with laces and then the other seam going down the middle of my face. There are 2 little slits for nose holes. So basically total encasement of my face/head. It took me a while to get used to that so in the mean time Master did get to other hoods. (this is close but the one we have isn't as form fitting more bag like.) I panicked with this hood quite a bit but finally it became a favorite as well...the smell of leather helped me also because it was just so intoxicating.

One like this in black though was another hood that Master has for me. It is black spandex with a padded blindfold in it. I could breath through it very nicely even though it is total encasement of my head too.

The other he bought was this one that I still don't like. And when it is used...it needs blindfold. This one makes me feel like a bankrobber instead of hood slut. It is made out of dacron spandex which almost feels like a scuba dive suit. It is that thick and heavy.

One of my favorites even though I can see out of it...it is different then the above. I like the shape of the hood - the one we have is from CJ's Leather but they don't have a picture of it on the website. It is similar to this one but the one we have has thick solid leather over the seams and an open mouth. It is very form fitting. This picture just doesn't do the one we have justice. Ours is the perforated leather but seems more heavy duty then the one pictured.

The last hood we got was this hood basic gag hood. It fits really snug. Master loves it because it is shiny like latex yet it is not latex so doesn't bother my allergy. And of course it leaves the mouth available for other uses.

The open mouth hoods of course can be used to with a gag so that adds another another level of sensory deprivation to the hood. Master has a head harness for me that works good over many of the hoods we have. And then added in a blindfold over the ones that I can see out of it and then cutting off my sight too. It took time to get to that level again for me as I did get very panicked. But now I love the feelings hoods give me.

The hoods make me very fuzzy. Master puts them on me and I start to just get fuzzy. They block out everything and let everything slow down....turn off and the world melts away and the only thing that matters is whatever is going on in that moment...whatever Master is doing to me or having me do. I do feel fear and panic at times with them...but usually it still is a very fuzzy far away feeling...like I am far away. I know I am not explaining it right but I am sure it also is different for each person too.

Oh I also put our gasmask in a hood category. It is something I want Master to take a picture of me in sometime. It sends me actually into a fuzzy head space faster then the hoods do.

I do think about a more intensive hood and I am sure again it will be something that will scare me but eventually I will come to beg for....if we go there and I know we might do that someday as Master does like hoods...thank goodness! Some umm dream hoods: Full hood like the basic gag hood above but full hood, I really like this one but we would never be able to get it because of the latex, and again something like this in leather would be nice, this one is close to another leather one I had in mind but I can't find it at the moment so this will do.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

March Questions: Art

how do you get your nerve up/steel yourself to enter into any art competitions?

I don't really do art competitions but I guess a juried show could be considered a competition. I still haven't done lots of it. I go through moments of intense fear that halt my creating all together...so I guess I haven't learned to steel myself completely yet. But the two things that come to mind that really made me start going for it:

1) Master and friends: I have been lucky enough to have very good friends and Master encouraging me to put myself out there and without their support I am not sure I could have done it.

2) Swaps/Trades: I think really also what helped me is doing artists trades and swaps for a while. It helped me gain some confidence in myself and what I do.

I know when I entered the SWLC art event I just kept having that little voice inside that said...if you don't do this you will regret taking a leap. So it was just needing to take that leap...and I am completely thankful I did it. And thankful for Master and my friend that really really encouraged me to go for it. I set some goals for myself for 2007 but entering that event really pushed me more set some 2007 art goals in putting myself out there more.

It is scary but if I don't do it...then...I know I will regret it. And that helps me going forward.

(the images are a work that I submitted to SWLC art event and I also sold it to someone that attend the conference because they were really taken with it after seeing it there. The triptych is titled Section 2257.)

Graitude Tuesday - N



~ N ~

Night - I am a night owl. I love the night sky. I love the energy that comes with the night for me. I also like that we have a night cycle and day cycle...I don't think I could live very happily in dark environment. I do need sun. I just enjoy the night.
Novels - I have been on a fiction kick lately and read many novels. I love the stories. I love that they slow down my brain and let me escape into the story for a little bit of time.
Naps - They are so nice! I like having naps with Daddy the most though! Snuggling up to him and just feel the warmth of his skin next to me. So comforting. So safe.
Neck - Well I am watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer at the moment so I guess that is why I thought of neck. (smiles) But really I am thinking of the neck as erogenous zone - I like kissing, nibbling and biting the neck and I like having it done to me too. Yum!
Noise - Although I love silence....just sitting in the quiet late night hours or early morning...I also like noise. When I am doing art work, cleaning and such I need noise...tv or music. And I enjoy that sound while being busy. Makes me feel not so alone - like I have company while doing those things.
Nature - Although nature really doesn't like me....I do like it. The trees, the leaves changing....the flowers blooming in the spring. The beautiful mountains of Colorado. The desert cliffs...red earth...tumbleweeds and just the vast open space of it. (Nature doesn't like me as I have lots of allergies that come from nature.)
Nose - to smell things with! :) dinner simmering on the stove top, cookies coming out of the oven, the rose that Master bought me last week, fragrant wine, clean sheets on the bed. Or the smells of childhood that bring me back to that moment....freshly mowed grass, cinnamon rolls out of the oven, vinegar - being a clean smell for me - because my Mom (and now I do too) clean with it, freshly popped popcorn that my Dad was making into popcorn balls as he loves them....so many good smells I am very thankful I have nose to smell them with!
Now - I try very hard to be aware of the present. To live in the now. So now is a pretty important word for me. And I am thankful for all the now gives me.
Next - And from that last word comes the this one...next. I am thankful what comes next. Although I live in the now, I enjoy the next. I think of with this word something from West Wing..."what's next?" In that context it was okay we have resolved this...what's next. Let's keep going forward. And so although I live in the now I do want to keeping going forward - to the next.
Notes - Notes..I make notes and lists. But I also like the little notes that I leave Master to make him smile. Just this morning he found one that I had really really buried in one of his equipment bags when he had to go out of town on a work assignment and I couldn't go with him. This one had 2 little kitties that I colored and a princess tiara and said the kitty cats and I miss you! I like leaving those little notes to make Master smile. So I am thankful for notes that I make and leave.
Nourishment - I am thankful for the various forms of nourishment I get not only in food but connection with others, learning new things, creating art, meditating, exploring and all the other various forms of nourishment that come into my life and feed me.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Positive Monday

5 Good Things...
1. Sunday morning talks Master and I are doing....long talks....almost 4 hours.
2. The brilliance of Hush (season 4 of Buffy)
3. Homemade pizza and the things that allowed me to make it.
4. For trash services...I was looking through some pictures of Hati. They had trash stacked all over...stacked high really high around their water source. Very sad.
5. Time with Master. I just enjoy my time with Him. Since He has started working from home we have just had a lot of time together and it is so nice.

BDSM Egg-stravaganza

Yes it is the time of year to bring out the fun that Master and I had last year for Easter...

yes...it is BDSM Egg-stravaganza!

Please feel free to pass the link on :)

March Questions: Slavery

What is the hardest thing about being a slave? Has your slavery changed over the years?

Okay could we ask some harder questions (yes I am being sarcastic!)

I don't think there is just one hard thing but for me I think over all is just not being in control of what will happen as silly as that sounds coming from someone who doesn't want control. It is hard to get that image of how things "should" be out of my head...that ideal how I should be or how I think M/s should be. I am not in control so M/s is how he wants it be...including how he wants me to be as his property and slave. And I get tripped up with thinking well this is how *I* think it should be.

Other thing that is really hard for me and I think will be the theme of 2007...is letting go of the past to fully be enslaved. Trusting that outcome will be okay - again control....hard to let go of the control to trust that things will be okay.

My slavery has changed over the years. I have let go so much. Things that come up seem to be less of a struggle. I am not saying I don't struggle I do...oh I do but I do it internally and let it go quicker then I have in the past. And of course because things change...if these questioned would have been asked a year ago the answers might have been different. And that made me think back on how each year in service to Master I have changed...and really each year has kind of had a theme to them. That theme would repeat often throughout each year. Of course even though something might have been a theme in that first year doesn't mean I still don't struggle with it at times. It is just they seemed to be things I came back to the most that year.

So bring it down by years (just the years with Master - too hard to go back further then that)

2003: That first year with Master was about learning what Master liked and didn't like. Learning how to do things. That year ended with letting go of being perfect. That I didn't need to be super slave. That he was still going to want me even if I couldn't keep the house spotless.

2004: Second year as strange is this is going to sound was about learning that I was not in control. Now I got that in the first year but I was so caught I think in well honeymoon period and enthrallment in Master that I don't think it fully sank in that...I can't just run out and buy a new lipstick ever again. I can't donate money to a charity without asking. I can't buy a present for someone without asking. I can't spend $20 just because. So the 2nd year for me was just about acceptance of my life...of being owned...of that I am not in control.

2005: Expectations - letting go of expectations. Such as the expectation it wasn't going to be like that first year...for the rest of our life. Expectations of sex, sm, wants and desires but also expectations of what being a slave is. It is hard to at times get the image of what I feel is slave out my head and just know that how things are okay. Acknowledge that right now...here and now is good...I am doing what he wants and so let go of expectation of where things should go - where I should be as a slave. The other theme was being flexible. That things change and just need to learn to bend....which was also part of 2006.

2006: But the main theme of 2006 was about service...servitude not slavery really but servitude. Basically serving without the fun stuff attached.

One thing that is always constant though is the desire to be Master's slave. I was really burnt out last year. And even in the hard times I wasn't and he wasn't willing to give up. It would have been easy to say okay it just isn't working but we love each other...we see the big picture and we are going after our dream and taking this journey as Master/slave together.

March Questions: SM

What is your favorite type of play? Whats the most extreme thing you've ever done in SM? Did you like it?

Favorite only one? Oh no that won't be possible!

Breath Play: Breath play has something that has stayed consistently my favorite for as long as I can remember. It is not something that I think many enjoy as there are risks. But with this lifestyle there are lots of things that have risks. There is something about my breath being taken away...that turns me on...that loss of control. That fear turns me on. Even just a hand wrapping around my throat can make my body react instantly.

Rope Bondage: Rope wrapping around my body...cutting into my flesh...knots at just he right place to cause a little more friction when I struggle and move against the bonds.

Hoods: It was something I NEVER thought I would like and it is a fetish of Master's so he got me used to them and eventually I was begging for them. And now they turn me on. They make me feel very safe and secure - going into myself and everything else melts away. The gas mask I always put in the hood category for some reason and that even sends me floating away even faster.

Punching: I like to be punched. This a pretty constant thing in our play. We don't have sex without there being punching involved. My tits are usually what Master punches but Master likes my arms and ass too. And even face at times. His fist hitting my flesh makes me feel used and sends pain through my body that just makes me feel primal and just raw.

Single Tail, dressage whip, viper flogger, rubber flogger..umm see a pattern here...stingy. They are all things that feed my masochism like nothing else. Yum!

Most extreme...cattle prod I think would be the most extreme for me. Hurt like hell. And something I have craved but would never have had the nerve to ask for it again because reality sets in and I say no way I don't want that again. It took my breath away. I had to beg for it again though - the person I was with was big on making me beg for things I didn't want but knew I couldn't say no to him. I didn't have the right to say no to him. But also it was also a word that was hard to get out...to him too even if I wanted to say it.

We had been playing hard...which is what we always did...we played hard...there was punching, kicking, head pushed in the toilet he pissed in, paddling, caning, breath play, slapping, spitting, hair pulling, drug around by hair...so at one point he has me on my hands and knees...ass in the air....legs spread wide. I was so wet that the the smell was intense in the room. I knew better then to look behind me to see what he was doing but I heard him go to the other room and come back. I knelt there waiting...feeling the fear and anticipation rise. I then felt...PAIN....PAIN sear through my body...electrical heat pain...like a shock but more then just a shock...bigger...hurt so much. He put the cattle prod to my dripping cunt. I remember screaming and curling into a ball. Tears lots of tears. Hysterical tears. He grabbed me up by the hair...to look at me and said get in position again. I couldn't get words out...I remember crying and shaking my head no....he slapped me. He said it again...to get in position and this time he told me "you are going to beg me to do it 2 more times." My mind started spinning further into the fear zone making me feel like I could go crazy. He used it on my arm then....I still hurt...A LOT but not as much as my "wet" cunt. Of course the wetness with the electrical zap brought that intensity up quite a lot. So he did it on my arm and then told me I would get on my knees and beg him to do it 2 more times now or I would be getting it 5 more times. I was still in that fear zone...backing away...wanting to crawl into the walls....he yanked me by the hair and stared into my eyes. He then slapped me. He said, "you are okay....get in position and beg now...for 3." I cried and shook my head no...scared...not sure I could utter the words. He said, "Now or get another added." Logical kicked in...logic in knowing him...and knowing he would add on and make it worse...that was his way...prove to me pain can be worse then my mind is imagining.

I got on my knees and my voice found its way up through my throat and I begged...I knew the words that would please and satisfy him...."Please hurt me, please stick that against my dripping stinking cunt and make this worthless whore feel your pain....please zap me again, please hurt me Sir." And it came..the PAIN...I curled into a ball...and wanted to again crawl into the walls and escape. But each time he slapped me and brought me back to the logical zone of what the reality was with him...and I got on my knees and begged. Each time making the words more degrading....degrading myself...putting more need in my voice...when all that inside my head I was screaming with pain and fear. After he did the final one he laid on the bed next to me and held his hand out. It was a weird thing between us...he got me to talk and open up...relax by massaging his hand. As strange as the sounds he kind of trained that into me....like no matter what was going on as soon as I started to massage his hand everything emptied out...to him....and I became calm. He wasn't an affectionate man...I can count on one hand how many time he gave me a hug. And he didn't give me one after this...he just brought me back to calm by holding out his hand for me to massage. So the tears started to dry up and words flooded out to him. And he answered questions I had of why. And of course with him it was because I can and because I needed to feel that kind of pain. Soon I was calm and felt floaty and happy...like I always did after playing with him.

We played of course again after that many times and I always was scared he would bring the cattle prod out again. But he didn't. But again that was his thing to push to this really extreme pain. And then after that every time we played and I said it hurt too much he would remind me there are other things that hurt more. So I would get back in place as he didn't do restraints or bondage I had to submit to suffering for him. And take it...suffer for him.

Wow okay that ended up a longer entry then I intended. But I know it is April now but please feel free to ask questions still as I said in another entry it has been nice to have these topics.
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