Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Marketplace

So I reread The Marketplace for like the billionth time a couple weekends ago....okay not quite that many but it is a book I have read many times. Just picking up my copy you can see the wear to its cover and pages. I was actually trying to think back when I first read the book and I remember it was at Sir and girlie's house. It was when I first visited them (in 2000) as they had the series and many other lifestyle books I had never read so I was welcome to read anything while there. I read The Marketplace, The Slave and part of The Trainer. And then I also read Hand in a Bush and another book that I know girlie would know what it was...last name of the author...I think was Ward. And then my memory is failing me as I feel I received The Marketplace and The Slave as gifts from either Sir and girlie or from Moni and Michael (which I actually think I might have got The Marketplace from Sir and girlie and then The Slave from Moni and Michael??). I then bought the Trainer when Laura spoke at SMART. And then Master allowed me to use some Christmas money I had saved to buy The Academy and The Reunion (though I had read part of the Academy at Sir and girlie's on another visit) at Thunder one year when Laura spoke there.

I know I read them once when I was kind of ummm what is the word for it...I don't even know. I had some friends a M/s couple in Kansas City and all of us were kind interested in each a possible add to their household. Anyway I started to reread the series and the male of that couple and I discussed the books quite a bit. In the discussions we had I was told I was like Brian. At the time I remember saying I didn't understand that at all. I probably get why he said that more now then I did at that time. At that time in my life although I wanted to be in 24/7 M/s relationship and thought I could do it...because hey I am a slave (although I had trouble saying that outloud). But that had been surface. I had been like Brian. I could do all the things a slave did in actions but intention and feelings behind them were different.

I had served in a poly household for 2 years as a slave..but the internal feelings that resonate inside that say this is what being a slave is....wasn't there. So I had really never felt it what being a slave was like before. With Don I was enslaved to him but even then it was different as happened so fast and I didn't know the words for what we were doing. I think I felt it internally which is why I never felt satisfied in relationships after because I wasn't feeling that internal feeling I had when I was with Don. I just didn't know what it was that I needed...that was missing. Anyway, at the time I was told I was like Brian, I had come out several failed relationships and was pretty bitter that I would really find someone that I meshed with. And frankly in my mind at the time I really wasn't sure there was the right male out there that knew what they were doing...really got what was needed to own property. Yes, I had an attitude. So now looking back at my life of course I can relate to Brian because Brain thought he knew what being a slave was about. And it wasn't until he broke that he REALLY got it (I still cry reading that part). He had been going through the motions and never really felt it through and through. With Master I feel it through and through. I am owned and I am not just serving through actions I feel it and I think those feeling come out in my actions even stronger now.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...