New to FetLife?

Are you thinking of joining FetLife?  A little nervous and curious what you will find?  What to know some tips on helping your experience be more positive on FetLife?

FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people.  It isn't geared towards finding a dominant, submissive or just sex partner - it's not a meat market. But I will say by participating you might find someone that captures your interest so it isn't out of the possibility to find a kinky partner. 

So tips:

• Fill out your profile. -  Be honest, be yourself, be open, but no need to overshare or spill out your whole life's history on it.  If you feel your profile is going too long. Make it a writing and link to it in your profile. (FAQ on how to link and other FetLife formating codes)
• Upload a photo.  Men having just dick shots won't make people flock to you. Make sure you have other photos uploaded please. I have to say the same for women - just tits and pussy shots don't do anything to help you find someone.  
• Fetishes - Having a huge list of fetishes makes it harder to scroll through your profile. I suggest not listing every single one and listing those that are the most important and you feel define the type of dynamic you are in or seek.

This is a social media platform so join groups, share photos and writings, comment, and jump in to get know people and make friends. I really wouldn't suggest one group over another as it really goes to what groups match your interests best.  Such as if you are new to the kinky world - then Novices and Newbies might be good for you. Interested in Poly and Kinky?  Or are you Kinky and Geeky?  A submissive woman?  My suggestion is look at the groups your friends like. You can browse them on their profiles. I have friends with similar interests so have found good groups by finding groups my friends are a part of too.
 
By participating in groups, posting blogs, commenting and just generally interacting with others on this type of internet platform - you will get people voicing all sorts of views - often in disagreement with your own. It is a public forum made for everyone to share opinions, thoughts, beliefs and silly stuff. So don't take anything too personally and view it as learning experience instead of an attack. We all want to be heard and connect with people and this type of platform can give us that - just not always in ways we expect.

Last bit of advice - Think before posting and be true to you.

He's a Creep

Have you ever got an email or had someone approach you and think, "He's a creep?"  I know I have done it.  But I would like to reframe that a bit - instead of thinking "He's a creep" instead maybe think "You know he isn't my type, but he has a match out there." 


I do think there are people who are inappropriate on their interactions.  But I think the ones that are truly inappropriate are usually easy to spot:

• Asking to hook up for sex
• Asking for naked photos
• Asking you to do something like send them a note saying you will obey and be their submissive, saying "Kneel Bitch", "what are you wearing", "I am now your dominant and you will only talk to me" and so on with the over the top commands.

I think some people get put in the inappropriate box because....

• Group Think - here is how it happens: Someone writes a sub A a message that is very benign like welcome to fetlife, some safety tips or definitions for when you are new to BDSM. Sub A goes to to sub B and says "So and so wrote me." Sub B says, "Oh stay away from him he is bad news." Now before sub A can even make up her mind he is bad news she has it in her mind he is and goes with it. Then eventually a whole group is thinking this just because sub B doesn't like this person. SO...find out for yourself and don't fall into the group think mentality.

• Not your type - Sometimes we can get a gut reaction just because someone is so not our type that doesn't make them a creep. The emails might just be asking about things you are interested in, but they just aren't your type so it makes you uncomfortable reading it. Better to say "no thank you" then say they are being inappropriate. Because all they are doing is trying to show that they are interested in you. Take it as flattering instead of taking it as they are being a creep. Be clear and polite in expressing you don't have an interest.

• Projecting – In a previous M/s relationship, after asking for release, I really was all over the map. My feelings were chaotic, angry, hurt, sad … everything. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Inside myself, I hated the feeling of not being owned. I felt pressure to find – the one. I started getting hit on right away (as most single submissives do) and I quickly discovered I had become prey. Most of the emails I got were the easy to spot kind (like mentioned at the beginning of the post), but some weren't. I found that I was projecting my own feelings onto them because I felt pressure. I was a mess and didn’t immediately recognize that I needed time to heal. They weren’t pressuring me – it was my own issues pressuring myself that perpetuated my misconception. All they were – were d-types who had an interest in me. Looking back, I can see that they were just carrying on a conversation and simply wanted to get to know me. I turned them away because of my own internal issues and what I was projecting on them. Actually maybe in a way they were meant to help me move forward without pressure, but I couldn’t see that because of the pressure I was placing on myself and how I was feeling in general.

• Misunderstanding – One thing I think that happens more than anything is that we constantly misunderstand the motivations behind what people write or say. I think we’ve gotten so used to overreacting because we aren’t used to people acting like people. We’re used to the ones like “kneel bitch” or “show me your naked pictures.” Sometimes people just write you to get to know you better. Sometimes they crave conversation or they might be lonely or yes there might be an interest. There is nothing inappropriate about that and you’re definitely within your right to then invoke “not your type” as mentioned above. But at least recognize that you may have misunderstood their intentions or read into something that simply wasn’t there. It throws you off because we sometimes automatically put something in the inappropriate column without understanding the motivation in the first place. It’s always better to communicate clearly where you’re coming and/or ask if you are unsure of their intentions so that there can be no misunderstandings down the road.

Some Tips to help you Navigate the Playing Field...

• Take Time -Take the time to get to know someone. Just because you have a few conversations with them doesn't mean they are perfect partner. Let it happen naturally and figure out if your wants and desires meshes with theirs (even the vanilla stuff)

• Be Clear - Be clear within yourself what you are seeking and be clear with those who are interested. It is okay to say "I want to get to know you as friends." It is okay to say, "I want to play, but I don't want this to mean anything, but play." I know that sometimes playing can imply to d-types that the relationship is moving forward. So if that isn't your intention make sure you are clear from the start.

• Attention - Getting emails, chatting, getting attention can make us feel good. When we feel good about that attention, we might do things such as flirt or make comments that can make our intentions change direction. Meaning showing someone your nude photo after you told them you want to be friends is probably going to give mixed signals. It might signal that if you are ready to show a nude picture then you are ready to move forward in this relationship. I am going to throw this out there from years of experience - Guys, even domly types, sometimes take any attention from a submissive as a signal things are moving forward. Because the attention makes them feel good too so the leap forward instead of listening. So just because that attention feels good, keep clear in your boundaries and direction.

• Ask for Advice - but resist the urge to gossip. It is fine to go to a good friend and say "I am confused on this guys signals...here is what has been happening how do you see it" or "I have been telling this guy no but he doesn't seem to be listening can you see if I am giving him mixed signals or what I can do to help him understand." But resist going to friends and saying "hey he is a creep." Because just because he makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean the next person won't be able to break him out of this shell and connect with him. It might be your projection and your issue which makes him feel like a creep to you. Sometimes we are mirror and can learn a lot about what we think of others by turning that around on ourselves.

• Delete & Block - For those FetLife emails that say get on your knees bitch, send me your naked photo, or lets hook up for sex and play type messages - delete them. Don't even respond. If they message again, block them. On FetLife, you go to their profile by clicking on their name. On the right hand of the profile you will see Message Kinkster, Add to My Friends, Report User and Block User. Click Block User for those that are persistent and won't take no for an answer.

• Instinct - last but not least - trust your instinct. If something feels off, then trust your instinct. You don't want to meet with that guy you made a date with, then don't meet with him, be polite and clear when you call him and cancel and yes calling and canceling is the right thing to do. Just don't stand him up as we all know how that feels. Also don't just jump to the conclusion it is him - it might be that you aren't ready or he isn't the one for you. Something made your internal workings go stop and it might be something with him or it might just be something with in yourself.

Bottom line is be clear with people, trust your instincts and use common sense.

M/s and the Normal Relationship

Some questions I answered from a question to a group on FetLife.

1: Do you ever have any break from your relationship, were you aren't M/s? Like where you are just in a normal relationship for a day?

The foundation of our relationship is M/s and if we didn't interact like that something would be terribly wrong with the relationship. M/s is normal for us as that is how we naturally interact with each other. That doesn't mean I don't have days where sometimes - I just am not feeling well and going and getting that cup of coffee for him doesn't sound that great to me. I get ill, I have bad days, I have days that just for whatever reason trip me up. It also doesn't mean that we don't do things like hold hands in the grocery store, or go out on a date night to the movies, or do yard work and all the other daily stuff that makes up life. It just means the M/s is always there. Even if it isn't overt - it is just part of our life.

2: Do you ever deprive your slave of the things they need, like food or a toilet? I don't mean forever of course, but for like a day?

Master has done some deprivation of things in my life. It is his right to do whatever he wishes. We both have a fantasies and fetishes that revolve around deprivation. But we also run a business and have things going on daily so it just happens when it can happen and not on a daily basis.

3: If something serious happened, like a close family member died or you found out the female was pregnant, would you snap out your roles or deal with it within your roles?

I am not sure I would understand how that would benefit us by not being M/s. It isn't role for us. It is who we are and it functions better because of being M/s. Again it doesn't mean that we don't cope in normal ways. We do the best to deal with grief, loss and major changes to our life - the best we can but again the foundation of our relationship is M/s so changing that would make things very awkward and more difficult on us.

When my Uncle died 2 years ago, it was the hardest period of my life to date. Truthfully, I went through a lot of doubts of who I was, but I never stopped being Master's slave. I questioned our life for a bit because everything in my life looked like gloom and doom because of the grief. I can now look back and know if we had stopped the M/s, it would have taken me even longer to go through those emotions and I would have a lot more difficulties coping with daily life.

4: For those who have children, how do you get around them with your relationship? Do they know or not?

We don't have children. But most relationships I have been involved with or know that have kids....the kids don't know about the M/s or kink. They just knew Mom is Mom and Dad is Dad. They didn't need to know more then that.

Slashy Writing and Third Person Speech

There was a post over on FetLife about slashy writing and third person speech. And I thought I would post my reply here...

I don't like slashy writing and I am thankful Master doesn't have me do it. I have to confess that often when I see a post using it, I often skip it rather then have to figure out.

Third person speak - for me personally - I don't find it would beneficial. If I need something to keep me in my head space or to help me think about my speech to Master at this point in our life, then I think there would be bigger issues at hand.

If we were early on in our relationship, I might see how it helps me choose my words more carefully. But I know he wouldn't have had me do it on a public forum for others to read but just to him.

I am quiet person and being that way has made me often go over things in my head several times before I even speak them out loud. So I don't think it would have done anything for me even then. I also think it probably would have been more of a distraction to the tasks at hand. Because stopping to have to think about what I was going to say to make sure it is in 3rd person would have taken me even more time and I think it would have become tedious to us both waiting on what I could have just said still respectful way but without the 3rd person speech. In that kind of situation for me it - it would make it feel about me. It would feel like a task to feel important even though that is what I am told the 3rd speech is not suppose to do. I know through people Master has talked to about 3rd person speech it doesn't do that for them. But for me - it would make me in the front on display when serving for me is about being unobtrusive and 3rd person speech is very noticeable to me so it makes me notice the slave when I think it is suppose to help show them their place. So if everyone is noticing the person is it really showing them their place? Bottom line is 3rd person speech is noticeable and serving is about being unobtrusive to me.

As someone else said in the replies the times I have come across people using third person speech, it often has come across as "hey look at me, look what my Master has me doing, look how slavely it is making me." Which I don't find to be attractive and would be a poor reflection to me on the Master. And often I do think what kind of dominant is he that he is having her do that because it isn't accomplishing what I think he wanted or what I would hope he wanted.

I want to add in that I think it does make people hot but then why not just do it in private. I get that more - about it making a person hot. So then why make everyone have to read it? As I said about slashy speech above, I skip posts with it. And I do that with 3rd person speech too if it is too hard to read and is coming across as the "hey look at me - I am more slavely than you" type of post.

And only in rare occasions - I can think of one at this moment - it is done in a way that I didn't mind or even notice often

Adding this to my blog post....when I get emails with slashy speech or 3rd person and it is too hard for me to read, I often don't reply at all because I don't understand the email enough to give a reply. And instead writing back saying I can't understand your slashy or 3rd person speech, I just don't reply because I don't want you to get upset and defensive about it. And maybe you wouldn't but in the past some have so I just have gone to not answering them at all.

Sit on Santa's Lap

I know most people have seen it but I am just making sure you have entered the Sit on Santa's Lap at FetLife. The last day to enter is January 4th, 2010 so you want to get over to FetLife and enter before then!

Disappointing Him

Kaya made a post about a thread on FetLife and being devastated when you disappoint your Master.

I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.

When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)

Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.

So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.


PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.

Slaves and Submissive in Same Poly Household?

There was a thread over on FetLife about submissives and slaves in the same poly household. And how it worked.

My answer...
I lived in a poly household that had slaves and those that identified as submissives. Most of the submissives never lived with us but a few did. Those that were submissive had more control or authority over their own life. Examples...they had safewords, often negotiated play, most of them made plans often without checking with him, they did what they wanted with their hair, they bought things without asking permission and many other things like that that allowed them freedoms and control over their own life. I, as his slave, didn't have safewords, had to check with him before making any plans, couldn't spend money without asking permission, had to ask to do anything with my hair - he had authority over all things in my life.

The submissives that lived with us seemed to often bend to his authority more often the longer they lived with with him. And those that would come spend a weekend or week would often bend to him and emulate how I served. But then after they left the house - they had authority over their own life again.

Some questions that were asked after the thread go on it's way....

So, would you all say that the submissives are more service-oriented than the slaves, or is that not quite accurate? How do their tasks/expectations differ?

In the household I lived in, the submissives weren't "more" service-oriented. It just depended on the person - if they enjoyed service or not. But most of the time they served when they wanted to but if they didn't feel like it then they didn't. The expectations were that the submissives had more freedom and choice.

Going to expand on that more here in my blog then I did over there...

There were time where the Master would ask a submissive to do something for him and if she was in the middle of something she said so and he then turned to me or the other slave and said, "go and do...." So with the submissive it was a request and with the slaves it was a command. Many of the submissives told me they didn't understnand how I could live like that 24/7. They couldn't imagine being at someones beck and call everyday - all day long.

Isn't there a ALPHA slave or submissive usually?

Not in the household I lived in. He was the boss.

And to add more again....

There wasn't a hierarchy. Because of people being there before others - it created some tensions but it didn't mean someone who was there first was more important or in charge. It just was that they were there longer which is actually a subject I want to write about some time and what that does to the new person coming in.

Isolation...Again

My answer from questions on FetLife about...isolation...again...

are you isolated? yes

In what fashion has your master isolated you in the past? When I walked in the door for the first time, my id, bank card, cash - basically whole purse was given to him. In the 6 years of living with him that hasn't changed. He controls those.

For a while when first here....all my clothes were locked in a closet. Was caged often, was chained to the bed. Cut off from tv, newspaper, phone and the computer. Wasn't allowed to leave for longer periods of time. Most of that has changed but still go through periods where it is like that.

Current things in place... I don't have a job outside Master's home.

I have to get permission to make any phone calls - even if it is to call in a perscription or call for hours to a store. All family and friends that calls, he answers the phone and then decides if I am allowed to talk to them (and sometimes I am not). Most of my lifestyle friends usually get okay to call first by writing me and asking if I have time for a phone call.

All snail mail addressed to me - either get opened by him first or if it doesn't I have to get permission to open it.

I don't leave the house without permission and it is a very very rare occasion when I leave the house without him.

I don't have local vanilla friends, we have local vanilla "couple" friends that we do things every so often. And I know they think I am odd - mostly because I don't have a career. So they are very quiet towards me. I don't have local lifestyle friends either because there is no formal community here.

When I was first here, he had a password for the computer and I didn't know it. So he would sign me on open the windows I was allowed to be in and then limit my time. After a while, he allowed the computer back into my life more. Now my computer time is pretty free. And it can't interfere with my focus on him. If it does, it is taken away.

When I moved to be with him, I had a car and we got rid of it. So I have no car. I rarely drive. Master just has me drive enough so that I "remember" how in case of an emergency.

Did you like the isolation and trapped feeling? Most of the time I like it. Especially at the beginning I loved it. There are times now where I miss things I used to do in my life before Master. I belonged to a book club. I did lots of activist type activities. The town I lived in before Master has a very active lifestyle community and I was a part of that. So I really went from being a social butterfly to being cut off from everything and everyone. And yes at times I miss that. Other time I wish and crave more isolation.

What is the purpose of isolation? slow me down as before Master I was going and going and going with one thing after another to do, help gain focus, to create a dependency on him

Was it unintentional? (i.e. the slave just letting everything else in their life go because of hyper-focusing on situation/relationship in front of them) It was intentional. Some of the side-effects were unintentional.

What are some benefits to isolation? I think for us it helped create the foundation of our relationship. It helped create no other choice for me but surrender and obey. I know it would have taken a lot a longer if I had worked outside the home and had lots of interaction with people.

His Job?

Read on fetlife...That it the Master's job to make the slave feel good about submitting.

hmmmmm I don't agree with that....

It is not his job to me to make me feel anything...even good about submitting. We might have jobs or responsibilities in the relationship to keep it going and meeting the mutual goals of the relationship. But it isn't his job to make me happy.

There are moments when we all have problems, miscommunication and even doubts. All relationships stumble and hit bumps. But I don't feel that falls to him to make me feel better so I can submit. Of course he often helps me get through things that are hard for me but I bend to him - he doesn't bend to me. I submit and bend because it fulfills something in me. Of course I am most fulfilled when I am able to submit to his authority. And that makes me feel good. When I get through something that was hard to submit to - it makes me feel even better than good. It makes me smile. So in a weird way even the hard things that don't make me feel good in the moment - in the end make me silly happy.

I am wired to submit - it is my orientation. I am responsible for me and my happiness and submitting in ways that make me happy. If the relationship I was in wasn't fulfilling in ways that made me happy or good then...it is time to look at why. And most likely that would a case of mis-matched compatibility as I had in past relationships. And obviously I figured that out and now am in a fulfilling relationship. We have a responsibility to ourselves to find the right relationship that works for us. We can't expect to pin the responsibility of our happiness on another person. It is up to us to find what makes us happy and make that abundant in our lives.

Dangerous List

A while back there was a thread about a man being "rude" to a young lady through private messages on FetLife. She asked if she should report him and so on. Now I don't have a problem with her wanting to block him. But reporting him I had kind of a problem with as someone said in the thread what he said to her some women might get off on. It then was suggested a list be started of people like this - to make a list of dangerous people - and I have such a problem with that suggestion. It surprised me to see many people I know who play hard agreeing with making a list. They must not get that they would probably end up on it. Plus the reality the internet if full of idiot jerks who say stupid things so that list would get pretty damn long. And we all do stupid things once in a while so then we would all end up on that list.

Next I don't like it when people don't take responsibility when they consent to it. Now I am not saying the young woman in the post did, but so many times we see posts that say a dominant is abusive yet the s-type takes no responsibility on their end.

Several years ago I was on a yahoogroup elist and the owners of the group posted a full name, address, phone number of a man who "was dangerous." The person was someone I knew and played with - now he is extremely sadistic so I can see many people labelling him dangerous. But he is VERY direct about what he likes and expects. From how the situation was described of course the submissive didn't accept any responsibility or mention the fact that he was very direct about what he desires and she just got in over her head. I can see many submissives getting very turned from the things he talks about - and wanting to see him, but it isn't a fantasy or game to him. Once in the situation with him - I can see where what it is he does would more then many bottoms/submissives desire in actual real life. It probably goes past where they imagined it would go. In person those things are painful things he likes to do - he likes to see suffering. But again he is very direct about it so saying he is dangerous when it gets too be too much for the submissive - annoys me instead of saying "hey he is more sadistic then I desire." He was too sadistic for that person and probably many submissives, but I liked what he did. So I would say that dangerous list is subjective.

In past relationship, before I met the man, we talked on the phone and online. I described things to him and he was saying all the right things to make it sound like he was into those things too. When we were together, it was mostly vanilla sex with just light kink. One day I got it - he thought those things I was describing were fantasy - something to think about, but not act on. When I asked him about it, my suspicions were confirmed. It really surprised me. Of course it disappointed me (and of course I didn't repeat that mistake and everyone after I ASKED if it was fantasy or real for them.)

I think often many things people think about while they masturbate isn't actually what they want to happen. It is just a hot fantasy. So when someone actually does those things in real life - they are dangerous to them because well it is just suppose to be a fantasy. It isn't a fantasy for everyone. And just because someone does something you wouldn't do - doesn't necessarily make them dangerous.

As I said to start - so many people would end up on that list because it is so subjective. We all do and say stupid things so you know....do we have the space to list everyone.

Deeper....More....

Today Master and I had a discussion on his way to Denver. Last night I responded to a FetLife thread not answering the question but in response a reply by the OP to a friend's comment. It is a topic that I am a little passionate about. It is one of my hot buttons. The topic is about M/s being deeper, that it has more trust involved...and just more of everything then a vanilla relationship. And I disagree with that. I don't think we can judge what another's relationship is just based on if it is M/s or vanilla. It is the people involved and what they put into it that creates the relationship. I have known vanilla couples that act like roommates more then a married couple - don't seem to have any trust and I have seen the same type things in some M/s couples. I think my Mom and Dad to have married at such a young age and made it through all these years have a pretty good level of trust and deep relationship. How can I say their relationship is less deep and has less trust then mine just because I am in a M/s relationship? I can't. Our relationships are different. But every relationship is different. Even every M/s relationship is different. A relationship is what the people in it put into it.

Internal Enslavement on FetLife

Tanos has started a group on FetLife for the discussion of Internal Enslavement. To learn more about Internal Enslavement please check out the IE website.

His Captive

So there was a thread on FetLife...(see getting back into my old habits) about captivity. I know I have said a million times I am isolated. And that I live in a bubble. But putting it down in black and white in the thread - I could see why it makes people nervous. I mean I get why but it still makes me annoyed when I get the "he is abusing you" type comments/emails. I have a very controlled and isolated life....so in essence I am Master's captive - willing captive.

Here were some questions....and then my answers...

Are you simply prohibited from making phone calls and/or walking out the door, or are there physical barriers?

I was told not to make phone calls or walk out the door without him - I am wired for obedience. I like to obey him. It feels odd if I don't do what he says. There are no barriers for me to not to make a phone call or walk out the door. And I am not going to get into the can I leave or not thing - I just don't want to leave. I don't want to walk out that door. If it was tested, I can't say what would happen as I haven't been in the situation.

For phone calls - all my friends know to ask in advance if they want to talk on the phone. The only exception is really my family. They call anytime. And Master has a few times said I am not available but it is very rare. And at those times it was because it just wasn't a good thing to talk to them at that time...something was going on where I couldn't talk.

Master worked outside the home when I first moved here so really I could have made calls - I could have walked out the door but I didn't. I didn't want to - I like my life.

Do you drive? have access to a car? I don't have a car. I didn't have a need for it when I arrived so we got rid of it. I do know how to drive and Master has me drive every so often so that I keep that up. Two years ago Master got hurt and I had to drive and do many things on my own it was very odd for me.

Have any r/l friends that you keep in touch with? yes several. Many have met Master too and think is great and told me I am happier and much more fulfilled with him then I ever have been. And one thing I think that makes it work is because this is what we both wanted. We both have a thing for isolation and captivity.

I understand that there are relationships that use isolation to an abusive extent. I really don't feel an outsiders perspective can help the person in the relationship see that though. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and it wasn't until I shook myself out of my denial - that I got it. No matter what anyone else had said. And now of course there are people who have said I am in an abusive relationship (usually online people - no one that knows me face to face has ever said that) and there are others who of course say that they see our relationship as being a very good one. We have really good communication of where things are at. As I said above, we both have a fetish (I guess is the closest word I can think of for it) for captivity and isolation so it is what we both wanted and I was happy to find someone I could have that type of relationship with that is also just a good person and wants me to be thriving as it is an asset for him.

We have had to deal with some isolation side effects that haven't been great. But they aren't earth shattering. And we/I know given time, if I had to do things on my own and be out in the world more - I could get back into the swing of things. It just would take time.

March Questions: FetLife

How do you keep up with everything on FetLife? And I don't mean this to offend but why do you like FetLife? The threads there repeat just like we have seen a hundred times before.

Well I don't keep up. I loosely monitor the latest activity by those on my "friends" list. And when I see them post something that sounds interesting I go take a peek at the whole thread. But I hardly participate there because I just don't have the time or by the time I can respond everything I would have said was said by others.

And why I like it - well because it is pretty damn amusing reading some of the things people write but mostly I have had some great "conversations" with people there though. And that is my main reason because of where I live there isn't any community where I can interact with like-minded people so FetLife provides that for me for the most part.

I agree that the thread repeat and repeat and repeat. But it was the same on the elists we were on. They did that too. We got annoyed with them back then too. So no different now really. There are always people that are going to ask about safewords, gift of submission, SSC and all the other stuff that gets asked a million times. We won't ever get away from it. The links are to when I have written about those subjects - so even I discuss them. And really I can look back and remember I have discussed those subjects to nauseam on lists through the years.



Please feel free to ask me a question or many just a few more days of March

Fetish

I have a cold so not online much except for work. But I thought I would at least post my edited response to a question on FetLife about having a genuine fetish and serving that fetish. Edited to make sense without the actual questions here.

I had never met someone who fit the dictionary definition of having a fetish until Master. Emotionally I can let myself get really stressed out about that he likes the fetish and not me. But I try not to go there and I know when he thinks of the fetishes he thinks of me with them. And he is doing it to me so that helps me not spiral out with negative thoughts. And he is really good about giving me reassurances also that he is attracted to me.

I am lucky that in serving that fetish I don't get burnt out from it. Or need a break from it because he has several fetishes. He has to have at least one of those the fetishes in play to get him to orgasm but he can at least mix it up between them. And he adds and changes things up sometimes but always includes one or more of the fetishes with it.

I have problems with a couple of Master's fetishes. It is something we work with at times. But another fetish he really was great on getting me to like it and now it even is something I crave and get turned on just thinking about it. And that is hoods. He really just slowly worked me up to wearing a full hood. Started me with an open face one and then kept moving up and more time in them to finally get to the point of craving them and being turned on by them.

I mentioned to Master the thread last night and asked him about a post he had started on it and if he had ever posted it. He hadn't so he finished that up and posted it today. So check out Master's post on having fetishes.

His word is final

A thread I read on FetLife yesterday got deleted before I could answer it (due to name calling I am assuming.) My answer was going to be seek another dominant - someone better suited to your "needs." The topic of the thread was basically a slave describing a scenario where she wanted the answer of that her Master was bad for not putting her needs before his wants. I am going to use a different example then one given in the thread but it on the same lines. The slave isn't allowed to sit on the couch. And she comes home and asked permission to sit on the couch because she has had a long day and is tired and her knees and feet hurt and so on and so forth. And the Master says no. So she comes tumbling in the next night and just sits on the couch. She forgets she isn't suppose too because she is just in so much pain and uncomfortable. So the Master then was upset at her for disobeying, but she feels that is unfair because Master should take better care of her.

Now I am totally for slaves expressing their feelings, wants, needs, opinions and what not. But if I have expressed myself and Master says no or whatever that goes against what I was wanting - then my duty as a slave is to obey. In becoming his, I knew the deal and if I didn't want that - I know where the door is at. That doesn't make him insensitive to my feelings, wants or whatever. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for my well-being. Because usually logically whatever he is saying no to - I don't need. And when I can back up and look at it logically without the emotional attachment to it - I can see it more clearly that he was right. And if I look at my over-all life with Master there is times he has switched orders to accommodate my discomfort - such as with my reoccurring migraines. So he does put my health before his needs/wants more often then I wish he had too.

Even if I really have a strong convictions about something - even not being able to sit on the couch after a long day there might be other options to help in the situation. I mean maybe take a bath to help relax those muscles, sit on a mound of pillows and in the real scenario that was presented there were quite a few options instead of disobeying.

I guess for me it comes down to - either I want to be a slave or I don't. And if I do want to be a slave - I obey. Again it doesn't mean I can't express my feelings, wants, needs and so on. It just means he has the final say.

Responsibility

So there is a thread on FetLife (how often do I say that now) about taking care of Master's property - so taking care of self as Master property. Anyway has turned into basically the Master "taking care and responsibility" for the slave daily functioning - sleep, bathing and meds.

There was one "Master" that stated all the work he did to go into the care and responsibility for slave down to telling her when to bath and logging in a book when she urinated and had bowel movements.

As most of the replies have said...WOW is she an adult?

I don't need Master to tell me when to clean myself, do dishes or take my meds. Yes at times I forget my meds and he will ask if I took them but he doesn't daily. And he doesn't stop what he is doing to ask. He also sometime has to order me to bed when I am pushing msyelf when I have a migraine. But again that isn't because he watches over everything I do. He will just see that I am in that mindset that I will keep going because my desire to to serve and just to get things done outweighs my thoughts of going to bed.

I think many times submissive types dream of not having responsibility for anything - to be told what to do so it frees them from responsibilities. But all relationships have personal responsibility. Even D/s type relationships. When I was in the poly household, there was one girl who entered the household and wouldn't do any chores until she was told by him. Because she felt our Master would order her if he wanted her to do something. I often said then "how do you go to the bathroom or get on the computer and sit your ass there all day long without him telling you?" But of course she didn't see it as the same. He eventually told her that if I told her to do something it was like an order from him and that was the only way I got her to do any chores. About 3 months into our relationship she finally got our version of M/s and from there we had a great relationship and fun.

Anyway as I said above I don't need to be told when to take a bath or when to go do a load of laundry or do dishes or any of the daily responsibilities I have in living life. I don't have a problem with those who like to/like to be micro-managed. Really Master has a slight fetish for it. But what the person described in the thread was well beyond most micro-managed relationships I have seen. As kaya so aptly said in the thread who is the slave in the scenario. And that is exactly how I feel because who is serving who? My life is to take care of Master - enhance his life and make sure stuff is done so he doesn't have to worry about it. If he had to tell me when to bath, when to eat, what to make, how to make it, when to sleep, what to do next throughout the whole day - he wouldn't get a damn thing done. And in turn I would be greatly unsatisfied in the relationship because I like to serve and enhance Master's life.

Punishing a Masochist

So another punishment question from FetLife...

As a masochist do you enjoy punishments?/Can you punish a masochist with pain?

Again we don't do punishment we do discipline so putting it in those terms. And really Master hasn't had to discipline me in a long time. Every once in a while I will get the look that says I am pushing a line but that is about it.

So on to the topic....for me as a masochist when Master has given me a physical form of discipline, I don't enjoy it. That is not to say my body doesn't react to it. I get wet. But my mind and emotions don't follow. It upsets me that I have displeased him and that I am doing something wrong so I don't enjoy the pain. I know and feel the difference between pain in sex or SM play and discipline. He can even use things that I enjoy as discipline and it doesn't affect how I enjoy it in our SM play and sex. Such as I loved to be slapped - we almost always have slapping involved in our sex. But I have gotten slapped as form of correction too - and that didn't turn me on. Again my body might have reacted to it by getting wet. But my emotions after were of sadness for displeasing him. I can feel the difference between slapping during sex and slapping because I did something wrong.

There are things in this lifestyle I have a love hate relationship with such as canes. I don't like the pain from them - it hurts but at the same time that pain that hurts me turns me on - it makes me wet but it also takes my mind and emotions to places that make me a gooey puddle. Humiliation same thing - I can get really pissed off or feel broken down with it but those feelings turn me on emotionally, mentally and physically.

Discipline doesn't do that for me. I don't want to displease Master. I don't want to do things wrong (something I have a problem with - I don't like to do something wrong). So although my body reacts to the pain brought with discipline the mind doesn't get turned on like it does with SM. I don't get the same gooey feelings from discipline that I do with canes or humiliation. It just hurts and upsets me that I have upset him/displeased him. It just feels different.

So for us yes, he can use pain even though I am a masochist. And yes I understand that it isn't the same for all masochists.

Punishment - Again...

There are several punishment posts going on over at FetLife so going to do a few posts on the subject by paraphrasing the questions.

Do you use punishment in your relationship?

I know I have said several times Master doesn't do punishment in our relationship. For us punishment is for disobedience and I am not allowed to disobey. As his property I do what he tells me. If I am doing something he doesn't like or wants me to do something different, he tells me. If I keep messing up, he would sit me down and ask about what is going on, maybe help me find a solution to correct it and then give me a lecture. If he feels the need for a physical form of correction, it is my hair being pulled while being lectured or a slap or several across the face. But Master doesn't do punishment because he believes if he needs to actually punish me for disobedience then something has seriously has gone wrong in the fundamental structure of our dynamic. He believes if I disobey then there were problems coming long before that he/we missed so it really isn't a time for punishment but a time to talk and think about if we can fix the problems or is it time to step away from the relationship.

When we first were together, I think we both thought we wanted a punishment type relationship. In the stories the slave screws up and the Master punishes her and it is often hot. We got turned on reading them and thought that is what we wanted. But we of course knew that isn't really how punishment was in a relationship - it wasn't hot. It hurts me and bothers me to displease him. And he really didn't like to punish me. It annoyed him that he had to it. But we were still finding our away around the dynamic so I think punishment came from reactance to the dynamic too. I don't think just the slave reacts to the dynamic - I think the Master does too. It was reacting to who we were with each other in this dynamic. I think we fought against what we really were together. Because we were trying to be the fantasy instead of us naturally together. But then fairly quickly we realized it didn't work for us. It caused more disruption then peace. And after coming together - finding our balance is when we realized that punishment didn't work for us and why would we have a need for it when I am expected to obey.

I don't disobey because it doesn't make sense to me. I am a slave and property so it is either obey or hit the road to me. If I don't want to be a slave, then I shouldn't be in this relationship. That all said I don't always like what he wants me to do. I don't always do it gracefully. And even at times I ask why - just because I am curious. Such as if he were to come in here and say "go get shoes on." I would probably ask why - while I am getting up to head to get my shoes on because I am curious. And sometimes he will tell me and sometimes he won't. I am sometimes too curious. But it isn't that I am questioning his decision though I am sure some would say that I am. Anyway, I know my motivation and he understands it so that is all that matters. And really that as always is what this is about - doing what is right for your relationship. If punishment works for you, if you feel you need it and do better with then - then by all means GO FOR IT! It just doesn't work for us. And I am glad we figured that out early on.

Kinky Christmas Stocking from FetLife

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