End of 2013 and the start of 2014

Life Update in  bullet points...

* Destiny - In October, Master and I started seeing someone local.  Her name is Destiny.  Master and I are both head over heels for her...as she is fabulous!  We are over 3 months in now and still have some of the honeymoon phase going on, but we all have settled into a normalcy that is really good. We connect as to her individually, but also all together.  She serves Master and is his submissive.  She is my girlfriend. And together all 3 of us are a family. I will write more about her and how things are progressing at another time. But for now we are a family and we are all very happy.

* Tied Up - For the first time 10 years, I was touched by another man.  Master has been the only man to touch in me in the 10 years I have been with him. A local group started a Rope Bite. You get together and practice rope bondage. I have always loved rope bondage and it isn't something Master is overly fond of...he does it, but not his favorite type of bondage.  Anyway, a good friend was going and Master asked if he needed a rope bottom for it and lent me to our friend for the evening.  Now it was totally over the clothes practicing rope, but to have a man touch me even over the clothes in such an intimate way - well again first time in 10 years.  Let's just say I was nervous.  Yep me who has been with a few men in my time was nervous. Our friend was very kind and conscientious of my anxieties.  I really enjoyed myself.  He tied me in ways that made me hurt so good for days. I loved it and I am so very grateful to him for allowing me to be his bottom. I hope we are able do it again sometime.  He is an amazing man and I am so glad he moved to our community.

* Holidays - We were out of town for almost 3 weeks straight after Thanksgiving into December. So I didn't get the tree up until 8 days before Christmas. I didn't get any cards or packages mailed out this year. I didn't get to do many of my usual things like bake. But I will tell you Thanksgiving and Christmas were absolutely fabulous! Having Destiny being a part our holidays just made it so special. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas was just us 3.  It was lovely and fun. We watched Polar Express in the evening of Thanksgiving.  We did other traditions with her such as going around and looking at lights and decorating the tree together. We create great memories.  Our families are getting used to us talking about Destiny and her being here with us as part of our family. 

* Family - I haven't seen my bio family in over a year so missing them. My Grandma also died just before Christmas.  She was 97 years old and been ready for quite some time.  I have been detached from it mostly, but at odd times having it hit me. 

* Travel - We have had lots of little mini-trips around the state. We went to Boulder. Then right after Christmas we went to Denver. We did touristy things like going to the Denver Art Museum.  We had a large hotel room where we were able to enjoy a king size bed as we only have a queen at home.  Destiny and I dressed up slutty for Master.  Our night was hot and sexy - sex and SM late into the night - yums!

We did have a funny moment in Target though earlier as we didn't pack condoms or lube - yeah I know what is up with that? Anyway, I hadn't bought condoms in a while and neither had Destiny so here it is her and I going into buy condoms.  We standing looking at all the condoms and trying to decide which ones we should get. Finally we get a package, turn around, and there is a couple standing right behind us - waiting to look at condoms.  I am sure our conversation made them wonder what the heck is going on....2 women buying condoms like we never have....I am sure they thought we were 2 lesbians who picked up a man to try it out. lol  :)  Anyway thank goodness we got the condoms, because oh they were used. Destiny riding Master is such a hot sight. Oh yeah so sexy.  We are damn lucky to have such a sexy beautiful woman.  So grateful we met her. 

* Friends -  I know in September, I said we were more active in the local community.  Well we kind of dropped out of it again. One reason - we started seeing Destiny. When I say seeing her -  I mean we see each other everyday for the last 3 month except when Master and I have work/business out of town and she can't come with us.  We are living our dream life and it is hard to fit other things in. Really we haven't even seen the kinky friends we are close to that often either.  We are missing them and hope to get together with everyone soon. Unfortunately we are like that new couple that doesn't contact their friends when they are seeing someone new because they are so into each other...yeah we are all so into each other are kind of oblivious to others outside us. Often we see stuff posted online and go hmm must of have missed what that is about because it doesn't even make sense to us as we are so outside it all right now and so into each other. 

* Sharing - I did a little talk for a group of submissive on service. I remembered, although it makes me nervous, I do like sharing information and ideas. I am going to have that talk and some additional thoughts on service up on our website soon.

* Therapist - I came out to my therapist about BDSM.  Now she knows everything.  It helped her put things in perspective a little differently. A few things made more sense to her.  And as always she was fabulous when I came out to her about it. She gets it so well. She sees where I struggle and why and in a BDSM context.  She loves Destiny and thinks she is a positive force in my life as Destiny has made me see myself slightly differently. I was on this course last year of really allowing some of the parts of me that I turned of to come back out and play and Master has been great about it too, but Destiny being a woman has helped me understand parts of myself better by seeing myself through her eyes.  Not sure that is making sense, but I just know she has helped me and my therapist sees it too.

* Art & Photography - Both are playing huge part in my life. It is something I do with a good group of friends as well as Destiny too.  I know art and photography are going to continue to play a big part of my 2014.

Really I am just so grateful that 2013 was a year filled with ups and downs, but overall joy and love which makes it a truly beautiful year. I look forward to 2014 as I know it is going to be fabulous!

Mentors in BDSM Community

This is one of my soap box issues I am writing about.  I will also state by putting something on the internet I do know that I will get opinions that differ from mine and I am fine with that because for me people reading more than one perspective is always a good thing.

The definition of Mentor:

noun

1. a wise or trusted adviser or guide

I am not a fan of having mentors. I think forming friendships is better than having a mentor. Because friends know you, know what you are seeking, what you like and dislike, and have your back. I think often a person asks someone to be their mentor when they really don't know them well and how can that person help you when they don't really know you has always been my question. As it says in the the definition above "trusted" and to me often people ask a mentor to guide them without really forming trust or knowing the mentor well enough to know if they are wise and can be trusted.

In my years of being in the BDSM community, honestly, I haven't seen many mentors be close to the definition. There are some, I am just saying the majority don't end up like the definition. I am going to share the mentorships I have seen and why they never seem to work well:

1) It's a Show & Ego - It's all about appearances and who knows who. The mentor might be someone big in the community or even nationally recognized so they will be a great mentor, right? Really just because someone is recognizable within the BDSM community doesn't automatically make them a good mentor. It usually ends up just being about the appearance - the person being the mentor and the mentee get something out of those feelings...makes both feel like they are special. But it doesn't mean that they are being a wise and trusted adviser and guide. Or even know each other enough to make it a good mentorship.

2) Lacking Experience - Sue is mentoring Mary. Mary wants to feel wax and so Sue recommends Carl. Sue doesn't really know Carl, but just going off that demo she saw one time, but doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know him. Come to find out Carl has actually burnt several s-types. OR the other scenario - Sue reads a couple essays and then decides to just try it on Mary even though she has never done it before. My point Sue is lacking experience and doesn't want to say that. The mentor doesn't want to look bad so they guess instead of saying "I will need to research that and ask around to find a person that is good for you." Going to my friend she will say "hey, I had such and such do wax on me and it was amazing." Can a mentor say that too, yes, but I have seen it far too often as the mentor not wanting to "look bad" so they fake it.

3) Maid & BJ Service - Dan is a d-type and the mentor. Fran is the s-type and the mentee. Dan is going to mentor Fran in the guise of "training" - so Dan is getting a maid and blow job service. A friend can tell you about the lifestyle without having you clean their house.

4) Just a User - Sally is mentoring Joe. Every time Sally and Joe go out to eat, he pays. She sees something in a shop she wants and Joe offers to get it for her. She might do the polite thing of saying, "oh no," but eventually it comes back to "yes please do buy it." Their relationship ends up being more about him buying her stuff than about guiding and advising.

5) Blurred Boundaries - Frank, a d-type, is mentoring Greta who is an s-type. They have sex and bdsm involved in the mentorship so that she can learn and feel different toys and sexual techniques. It starts to blur boundaries and meaning of relationship. One of two things happen often when this type of relationship is set up - Greta starts falling in love with Frank and he ends the relationship so then instead of dealing with a mentorship ending she is dealing with a broken heart OR Frank might not see things as objective and not give Greta a full scope of information because that boundary has been crossed. When you go to friends, you are getting each of their own perspectives based on their experiences, but that is why you have more than one friend so you can get different views and a good friend will push you to find your own view too. And again friends know you and what you are seeking so can come at it from that direction.

6) One True Way - Hilda tells Jane who she is mentoring - one view - her own. So Jane might view SSC as the only way because Hilda never shared RACK or PRICK. Going to friends you are getting each of their views and again friends encourage each to find our own views.

7) As Protection - I think many s-types use it as a crutch so they don't have to deal with anyone. They don't like confrontation or conflict so someone else gets to deal with the d-types writing them or hitting on them in person. I get some d-types can be pushy, but all you can do is to tell them no and to back off. A mentor or protector won't do anything else. If you are having problems with confrontation and standing up for yourself, it is my suggestion to look into why you have those issues and work on them. Personal responsibility is a lot more sexy then most people give it credit. The dominants worth their weight in gold - are the ones that see you standing up for yourself and being a strong, capable person and like it. If you are having problems with a dominant - go to your friends first. Because if I want someone to have my back, my friends will do that better as they know me. I can say "hey if you see so and so approach me come and check on me." I am not meaning just s-type friends. Make d-type friends, because if it gets to the point of someone being too assertive having a d-type at your back when you say no isn't a bad thing. Again I am not saying don't have protection, but have protection in the form of a friend because they know you. But just letting you know if you stand up and say no to those pushy dominants - eventually sets a reputation up that you won't be walked over and that just because you are submissive doesn't mean you submit to every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along.

Do I believe in learning, exploring and safety? Absolutely, but I think there are so many ways to do that. Having community that does discussions and demos. Creating friendships of like minds. Reading and joining in discussions online all help in educating ourselves. Using all these things will help you figure what you want and desire.

Just Life

photo of Rocky Mountain National Park.

I haven't done a life update in a long time so thought I would throw out what is going on....

* Last weekend Master took me a place that had special memories for me. It was a place that my ex-husband and I used to go. I didn't want to re-write those memories, but I just wanted memories with Master there. It was almost 17 years to the day that I was there last with my ex-husband - Master I were there.  Master and I had a great time and made some amazing memories! I appreciate him making time in his schedule to make that happen for me and us.

* This week many of those areas are covered with water and being evacuated. It is so sad.

* Friends: Excited to see friends, who we haven't seen a while, this week.  We have been enjoying the company of another friend this past week.  Thankful for a conversation with a friend that helped me in some areas I am struggling.  Thankful to yet another friend creating an interesting week by throwing me under the bus a few times. :)

* Our town has had a more active community the last several months. Master and I have become more active in it. We are enjoying getting to know people. Something we were really wanting were discussions and demos and that has been happening.

* Because of being more active - you might have noticed I have been more active in blogging as I have had more ideas for topics.  Which is why I am going to be blogging about some basic things, because our community does have quite a lot of people new to BDSM.

* Drama and gossip happens in all groups. But I can say that is one thing I didn't miss about being active in a community. It has been hard, because as much as I have missed community - sometimes the drama and group think really can take a toll on me and I think I survived for 10 years without it so do I really need it?

* I  am about embracing the whole community though. Even those that I don't agree with or even people I don't like that much - we all are still part of the people under the same umbrella - BDSM community.  If we can't come together for the better of the community then we have no business talking.  It kind of reminds me of the quote that Dr. Brene Brown uses in her book Daring Greatly by Theodore Roosevelt - "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."  I am in the arena and I doing my best and doing what is right for everyone in the community - not just myself. Because of course it is for myself - I want community so there is something there for me. But I see a bigger picture and maybe that was because I was so involved with a great community in Ohio.

* End of February Master updated my phone to an iPhone. I have been taking photos non-stop since then. I submitted some photos to an author when they had a call for submissions.  I really didn't think I would be chosen, but I was, so one of my photos will be published in a book.

* Master and I have been traveling so much.We have put 20,000 miles on the car in 9 months.

* I had an end of the summer cold that lasted 2 weeks. I still have some cough, but the cold is gone. 

* This year has been a great year for me creatively - art, photography and poetry.  I just have put so much of myself into it and I feel the joy coming of it in waves.

* Having lots of joy through creativity, but I am also struggling with loss of myself in movement.  My body is giving way to illness and I am having to learn how to do things differently now.

* Gratitude is a practice - that I try to engage in daily.  Thought I would share some from of my positives from my life the last couple months: Poetry dates, taking photos of old buildings, spankings from Master,  meeting new friends, dressing up, naps, being published, art time, brownies, game night, laughing, tea, therapy, bruises that make me smile every time I look at them, a clean house, Chinese food while watching John Stewart, playing in the park (not BDSM play just having fun in a park - dancing, taking goofy photos and so on), fans for hot summer days, mindfucks, sleep, doodles, pretty drives and time with Master, pink toenails, hot fudge sundaes, books, art supplies, and productive days.  I could go on and on. I really love the practice of gratitude as it helps me with my daily outlook on life. Helps me move forward on pain filled days where I start to feel hopeless.

* Adding this....we just revamped our website and Master and I both talked about moving our blogs completely over there.  How would you feel about having one place for M's and my blog?   I will tell you I will have a little bit of a problem moving, but only for sentimental reasons of blogging on blogspot for 13 years next month.  But thought I would throw it out to the actual people reading my blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

30 Days of Kink - Day 25

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

To those outside the lifestyle - not open at all.  To those within the lifestyle - depends on how close we feel to them.  Recently Master and I have had the pleasure of really getting to know a group of people in our community. We feel comfortable with them so we can be ourselves with them and enjoy things we don't usually allow people to see. It really just depends on the person, how open we are with them.  

When I lived in Ohio, everyone I pretty much met - I came out too.  But with Master having his own business in a smaller town - it really isn't possible.  We still have that fear of being outted.  We aren't ashamed of being in the lifestyle, but we also are realistic in knowing people around us might not approve of our lifestyle and that could ruin Master's business and our lives.  

BDSM Play Parties: Part 3 of 3 - New to Play Parties

This is a 3 part series. Part 1 is a general explanation of what a play party is and some of my personal experiences.  Part 2 is about hosting a play party. Know that every place is different and has their own rules. I am covering points based on my own experiences.

Never been to a play party then this post might help you get prepared....

First is the play party at a public space or private?

Some public spaces have members only parties so you would have to be a member before coming to their parties and sometimes they have nights that are open to the general public.  Either way they will most likely have a website and rules on their website about the parties they host. Often private home parties are invitation only and don't expect invitations right away - you need time to get to know the host/hostess well before they might extend an invitation.

Some things to just keep in mind...

* When invited to a play party, you won't be expected to play just because invited. You won't be expected to get naked or do anything that you aren't comfortable doing. It is perfectly fine to watch and learn.

* You will see nudity.  Usually the submissive gets naked or strips down to lingerie, panties/underwear and mostly d-types stay clothed - if anything is taken off - it is a shirt or striping down slightly as flogging or doing a scene can work up a sweat.

* Don't touch people. Don't touch toys without permission. No is no - no matter what. Just because someone is naked doesn't give anyone the right to touch that person without their consent. If you see someone who is nude being touched by people at the party, it is because they have relationships with those people that allow that type of touch. Don't assume because someone is single they are looking for a hook up and are okay with touch. Don't touch people without asking! Not even a hug.

* You might see types of play you are uncomfortable viewing. If it makes you uncomfortable, walk away. There is almost always areas for socializing as well as many other areas for play that might make you more comfortable. We are all unique and all have different ways to express our kinks.

* Don't interrupt scenes.  You might see something you liked - a technique or toy you like, but wait until after the people are done playing and moves to area for socializing to ask about it.  Don't interrupt scenes - even if it makes you uncomfortable...the type of play might an area that doesn't interest you or even frightens you. The screams might sound like something is wrong.  Don't interrupt. The couple has safety measures set and playing how they want to play. If you really think someone is in danger, dungeon type space often has Dungeon Monitors (DMs) walking around go to them and have them take a peek. If at a private party, go to the host and hostess.

* Watching, again is fine, but please be quiet if talking. Keep it to a whisper. No loud conversations or laughter around play areas.

* No jacking off.  If you came there to wank, then you are in the wrong place. You might get turned on watching a scene, but it is considered highly impolite to jack off while watching people play. As I stated in Part 2 - we allowed sex at times, but only in a certain area.  Many parties don't allow for vaginal or anal penetration, but might allow for oral or hands/fingers.  Why they allow for some sexual contact and not others - really just depends on the space or home.  Okay now all that said sometimes a party will be set up specifically to fulfill fantasies and maybe a sub has a fantasy of several men jacking off on her as her D-type beats her - then of course it is okay. But often that kind of party is set up with trusted close friends in a private setting.  So you most likely won't see that type of thing when you attend your first play party.

* Turn off your cell phone and no photos. 

* Single?  Don't expect to go and play. Can you find someone there you might want to play with? Absolutely, but be polite in asking, talk some and negotiate.

* If you think you might want to play, bring your own toys.

* Safewords - usually a dungeon type space will have universal safewords that they want everyone to use so that if DMs hear them and the Top isn't stopping the DM will step in and stop it.  If you read part 2 of this series you will see when we hosted we didn't, we felt everyone was adults and responsible for their own safety.  If you feel like you trust someone enough to play with them, then you should trust each other enough to use safewords or communicate in a way to get your emotional and physical conditions expressed.

* Dress before, during, and after play - I will talk about dresscode more below. Private parties usually want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.  After I play or if changing between different play areas, I like to have a coverup/robe as I am not comfortable walking around naked.  If you come dressed one way, think about how you want to be dressed after being beaten. You might be floaty or having sub drop so getting dressed back into fetish or even street clothes can be a pain. Pack some comfy easy clothes in your toy bag too.  I usually hate wearing my bra, thigh highs and heels home so I pack clothes to replace those if needed. 

* Take care of you -  Do what makes you comfortable. Don't feel pressured to play. Watching is fine.  Also make sure you eat and drink plenty of water as playing can burn off calories and make it so you are dehydrated.  If you have medical issues, make sure you have meds and friends that know so they can spot signs. Such as  I have friend who is diabetic sometimes after she is beaten it messed with her insulin levels because of the endorphin rush so always had meds with her and when she was invited to one of our parties - I made sure to have some orange juice around for her to drink after playing. 


Some questions to ask the host/hostess:

Is there a dress code or theme? Is nudity allowed? -  Sometime public dungeons or bars having a fetish night will have a dress code or a theme.  Often it does mean some type of leather or fetish attire for a dress code.  Themes can include: Pirates, Medical, Goth, and School type costumes. A bar having a fetish night usually won't allow nudity.  Sometimes a bar having a fetish night will have a fetish show or performers and so they might set a dress code or theme according to it. They might allow very close to nudity for dress such as thong panties and pasties for females.  Public Dungeons often allow nudity once inside.  Private parties want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.

Is there food and drink? Do you need to bring something?  - Often at Fetish nights at bars - there isn't food.  But often parties held in dungeons as well as private home parties will have a potluck or share a snack type party.  Sometimes they provide drinks other times they ask you bring your own. If it is bring your own, make sure you bring a bottle of water.  Playing either from either Top or bottom place give you a work out and make you sweat and need to replenish liquids.

What time do the doors close?  Once you leave can you come back in?  -  Often dungeons will allow entrance for only a set time and once you leave you can't come back in.  If you are a smoker they often have areas set up for smokers - like a back patio area that is walled off so outsiders can't see you. Sometimes Public Dungeons don't allow nudity until after the doors close and it then usually becomes a private party which then allows for nudity.  Private parties might have a door closed policy also because the host and hostess want to play too and having to wait to answer the door can infringe on their time. Also they might have play area set within an open door view and so want people inside before play starts and no neighbors can see.  They also have areas usually set up for smoker that sometimes mean getting covered up and back in street clothes or it is walled off from neighbors view.

 Is there areas designated for socializing and also aftercare? -  Often public dungeon spaces as well as private play parties have both. 

What type of play is allowed and what kind of equipment is available?  - Some public dungeon spaces have area for blood play, wax or water sports, but don't allow it at parties because of liability issues.  They also often don't allow gun or knife play, fire or scat play either. Sometimes they might allow blood play if they have a room that can be closed off and have it set up for safety - such as having a sharps container.  Dungeons often have a wide range of equipment, but private play parties might have much more limited play space.

What are the rules?. Saves a lot of time by asking for rules ahead of time to figure out if you will be comfortable. Rules will often address many of the questions you have floating around in your head.

Again always ask if you have any questions.  Play parties can be fun as they can feed exhibitionists or voyeurs. They also can be a bit overwhelming if you haven't had any type of play around people.  I know with Master and I, we need to be very comfortable around people to play in front of them.  So take your time, ask questions, use common sense and just have fun!

BDSM Play Parties Part 1 of 3

I had someone ask me recently what it is like to go to a BDSM play party. When I lived in Cleveland, I went to quite a few play parties as well as hosted many too. So thought I would talk about them a bit. Of course this is just from my own experiences and I know everywhere is different and has different ideas and rules.

So let's start with what a play party actually is...it is a party where kinky people engage in kinky play. It can be a more organized event type party such as when I lived in Cleveland, a local group had their meeting and then a play party after at a local dungeon.  Dungeons often have lots of equipment such as spanking benches, St. Andrew's crosses, cages, tables for bondage and other devious torture.  They sometimes have areas designed for blood sports or water play, but I found that most of the play parties didn't allow those things.  The dungeon rented the space out for private sessions to do those things, but in a big group they didn't want to be liable for fluids spattering on someone.  Also usually no sex at public dungeon spaces even when rented by a private party such as the local BDSM group because that can come across as selling sex when you pay to get into the dungeon.

Some play parties are just local fetish nights at a bar or dance club.  They might have a dresscode and won't usually allow for nudity. They will have a limited area of play and often have performers as entertainment.  They don't often allow for many things that the dungeons don't - such as sex, blood play or water sports.   

Private play parties are held in homes.  I attended many that were held in private homes as well as hosted play parties in my home. My former dominant and I  didn't have equipment, but some private home play parties do have equipment and an actual space laid out as a dungeon. Such as one private home that I went to for a party had their whole basement set up as a dungeon. They had several play areas laid out  with equipment, toys hanging around on the walls, and then they had a bathroom for clean up after play or for water sports.

Many of the private home play parties I went too, maybe had one or two pieces of equipment if that, but had chairs, stools, beds, couches and other such normal everyday furniture available for use in whatever creative way you wished. Our play parties usually just utilized our furniture. We did have a friend that had a portable St. Andrew's cross - so sometimes he would bring that. 

Many of the private home play parties didn't involve sex either. Some did, but the majority of the ones I went to didn't have sex allowed. Mostly I think that was because you are going to be fucking, sucking or whatever on their everyday furniture and they don't want fluids on them.  It wasn't that we are were prudes and didn't enjoy sex with our BDSM - it was that "hey you are on my couch without pants and cum spurting out of your dick."  The play parties I hosted with my former dominant, did allow for sexual activity to happen at times, but usually just one room of our home. (I will describe that set up in part 2)

When we had parties, we only invited close friends and usually kept it to a certain number of people just so everyone could have time to play.  Some people ended up getting their feelings hurt when we didn't invite them. Some people take it very personally and I get how it can be personal.  Why someone and not someone else might be invited, but I will say the people hosting the party need to be the ones comfortable with inviting people into their homes. Being in their personal space with photos of their kids on the wall, neighbors walking their dogs past and so on can be outside of a comfort zone. It is a very personal intimate thing to be invited into a home.

Our parties often ended up being about numbers. We didn't want it too big and it was hard to pick and choose who could come. I had a group of very good friends in Cleveland so they were what I will call my tribe.  But when we invited the tribe to our parties - we right away had 10 people so it didn't leave a lot left on who else could invite even though there were many times I wanted others too.

I will say that there were a few people I didn't invite until after knowing them for several years.  I know it easy to not feel slighted, but just to try to remember it takes time to get to know someone and invite them into your personal space.  Especially when you are opening your home up for such intimate activities.

Part 2 will describe what happened when I hosted parties: house rules, areas of play, clean up, sex areas, and a few other little things.

I'm Shy

I am shy.  Not sure all people that read this blog or know me in person - actually have recognized this about me.  I am a very shy person.  I have some social anxiety before going out into a group of a people and needing to be social.

I love being social and need it in my life to feel balanced. When I lived in Cleveland, I had a great group of friends and we did things on our own weekly almost, but we also had BDSM community stuff to do weekly. But even then - with those extremely good friends, I still had anxiety before going out and being social.  It is less than if meeting complete strangers, but still there.

When we are walking into a group of people I don't know, I am also extremely quiet.  I will speak and interact, but I probably won't leave Master's side.  But if you hear me with friends, I am laughing, joking, talking and interacting. But you know what, I probably still won't leave Master's side.  He becomes my anchor when anxieties rear their ugly head. 

I know some people take that shyness to be arrogance or aloofness, but honestly it is just me being nervous about speaking.  I am quite opinionated even though shy. So when I do speak up, it can come across as arrogant because I might not have spoke much before that.  I am so freakin nervous when speaking in a group of people that it probably comes out blunt or harsh because I just want to get the thought out of my head and be quiet again.

Public speaking adds a whole new ball of mess to the mix of emotions.  Anxiety of course is heightened.  The very first time I did public speaking for the BDSM community - I literally got up there wearing a corset type top that my cleavage was spilling out of and said look at my boobs don't listen to me as I am a nervous wreck.

You know there is that saying...."Be kind to everyone because you never know the battle they are fighting."  I so get that one.  I know a lot of people who meet me would never know that I am shy or have social anxieties. They would just brush it off as arrogance or being aloof.  Thankful for those that actually get to know me.

*icon from artist - Riikka Sormunen

Venturing out into the BDSM Community

I miss my Ohio BDSM community. It was made up of several amazing groups with diverse group of people and kinks. It wasn't always a perfect match for me, but really it can't be - it has to be about being around like-minded people and welcoming everyone.  I think the 2 groups I was mainly involved with always did a really good job of being inclusive to everyone.  From those groups, I formed an amazing circle of friends that I miss FIERCELY.  

The Ohio BDSM community recently went through some changes and that always kind of causes issues and growing pains.  Over the years I have seen just about every group/community go through changes and growing pains.  We as people change and evolve so why wouldn't a community grow and evolve too. 

In thinking about the Ohio groups, I had some very fond memories come up. I was talking to Master last night about my very first time I ventured out into the community.  I was a slave in a poly household. But at that moment I was the only one living with my Owner.  It was a very brief time of being alone with him and being alone without lots of people in and out of the house. So frankly - I got lonely and found someone bondage.com - a very nice woman who was submissive. She told me about Ohio SMART and that they had a submissive group that met once a month. So for my first venture into the community I went to a submissive meeting.

It was an interesting experience. I am so glad I did it. But it was a little odd for me at first. I was the only submissive in the group that identified as slave and lived it 24/7.

As a slave, I sometimes have different protocols then other submissives and bottoms around me. Such as that first meeting, they had a dominant coming to give a spanking demo. No where in the description of the evening did it say anything about that, when the leader contacted me when I RSVP'd never mentioned it - the description and her email only talked about about submissive women getting together to discuss BDSM topics.  So, I had no idea a male dominant was going to be there.  When it was announced he would be there soon, I said that I would need to leave and everyone asked why and so I told them. I said that I didn't know a male dominant would be there and didn't inform my Master. Really at first they had a hard time understanding it because they hadn't been around anyone in a Master/slave dynamic.  A girl there offered me her cell phone to call my Master (in the day and age where cell phones were just coming out) and ask  - so I did.  He allowed me to stay just not participate.  

It was interesting that after that meeting, they only had a few more with dominant's come to demo and always told me before hand. They had never given it thought before that it might go against what some relationship protocols and thankfully took that into account after meeting me.

My first time speaking was because of being involved with Ohio SMART. I am a HORRIBLE public speaker. Honestly horrible! But I remember that fondly as one woman came up to me after. She looked straight into my eyes and said, "I get it. I get you."  We were fast friends and I have so many amazing memories that include her. 

It is my hope that one day, because our local community growing, I will have many fond memories with friend made through it.  I know I am already really having some good ones.  Very thankful for the growing community and friends made through it!

30 Days - Day 19

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

I am not sure there were unexpected ways. I think mostly I knew from the process that this was right and felt like the right path for me.  Made me feel more like myself. 

One unexpected thing that was a positive is gaining so many amazing like minded friends. I went in seeking an owner, but have met and made many friends that have touched my life in countless ways.  I think of my friends in Ohio who kept me going forward during such a dark time in my life. 

Feel extremely blessed for the friends I have made over the years. 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Hiding the Toys

I am cleaning house right now.  I have been reorganizing and purging things as I go...I started in the fall during my regular fall cleaning, but with some other priorities and my pain getting in the way I wasn't able to complete it. So I started it again now. I will go through Christmas things when I take them down to see what things were left in the boxes that I didn't put up, what things we weren't thrilled with that were up (thinking of 2 things in particular), and donate those too. I got rid of some Christmas stuff last year too and that really actually felt good this year when I was putting things out. It was more simple and that was nice.

But the main reason I am into a big cleaning thing right now though is my parents are going to visiting shortly after the new year.  My Mom is the type of Mom that can't sit still so if she sees something that needs to be cleaned she will clean it. She doesn't really white glove things, but I do know it goes through her head that she wonders why something isn't as clean as she would have it - I saw her do this at my sister's home. So I am kind of being obsessed about getting things in order so she won't have anything to do here. My Mom also is the type that she isn't really snoopy, but she likes to look at how people have things decorated and likes to just look around. She won't be opening drawers or anything, but walking into our bedroom just because she wants to see how it looks - since she hasn't been here in a while - isn't beyond her.

before parent proofing

In October, we got a new bed.  I  know she will want to see it.  Because we have described how tall our bed is now so she will be curious which means she will go into the bedroom - so today I am parent proofing the bedroom.

We have a hat rack with floggers, whips, crops and canes hanging off it. Now robes and coats are covering them all. Master has an armoire that has his clothing on one half and the other half is full of baskets and bins of kinky toys. I labeled all the bins and baskets this year so they have tags that say rope, restraints, chain, spanking implements and so on. When the doors are open, you can see all the little tags clearly. It will be closed, but just in case it is open or she does happen to open it, I am feeling the need to have some things moved/covered a little more. I  reorganized within the armoire to have clothing stacked in front of the baskets and bins so you can't see the labels and it is dark enough at the back of the armoire that you can't make out what is in the baskets.  

I have books and sex toys all around the room that will have to be put on lower less noticeable shelves or in drawers. For Christmas I got an 9 inch vibro realistic cock from Eden Fantasys and it is sitting on a dresser. Very pretty and very big - so unmissable (can't wait to play with it!).

before parent proofing

All this though is bothering me slightly because....I am an adult.  I have been adult for a long time now - as I am 45.  So my question within is why bother because this is who I am.....but at the same time I don't want to make my parents uncomfortable and if you walk into the bedroom although most of the things are not obvious - if you look long enough you will see it.  Especially all the sex toys. I have the njoy pure plug sitting on its box on a shelf just below eye level. The violet ripple glass butt plug, the Dukes (ben wall balls) and several books such as the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and the Beauty series are all out. We have fetish coffee table type picture books on a night stand.  So if you are standing in the room for more then just a moment or two you will start to notice these things. 

So is it a so what if they see or is it cover it up because they are your parents and out of respect for them....keep it hidden?  Do you hide things from family and friends - even if they know or just with those that don't know?  Or just keep it out and let the questions come out - if they dare to ask?  

Right now I am in the stage of cover it up - I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But as I said it is bothering me slightly that I can't just be me.

Peace

Okay so I have been bad...really bad this fall about posting. I was on such a good streak and now....I have fallen off into the abyss again.

Things have just been busy.....and I have been really tired by the end of the day so.....blog is one of those things I let go of fairly quickly when that happens unfortunately as I do like to write. I do write actually - I just don't always post.  Doesn't feel complete the thought I start when I write so I don't post it and always have good intentions of coming back and finishing them.

So somethings going on in bullet points...
* got a new bed...sleep is so much better!

* got a few other new pieces of furniture and so the house felt like we had just moved in there for a bit

* my pain - the sciatica well it is worse at the moment which is typical I guess for how we are treating it. See I have one leg longer then the other - by 1/2 inch so....throwing everything off. I have a temporary lift in my shoe that is small then a half inch because starting slowly. Well pushing things back is making me in more pain.  Such pain that my therapist was concerned too and my medical and mental health are all linked in through the same place so....she was wanting me to make another appointment. I have a follow up for the end of the month.

* therapy is going really well right now.  I really appreciate all the help my therapist has given me. I know I mentioned back at the beginning of the year - I changed therapist's and my new therapist I love! She is so great about everything. Even the poly.

* teacup is going to be arriving on Saturday. She will be meeting all of Master's family as we will be there for a family event through the weekend.

* We will head home to have Thanksgiving here.

* Going to see some friends after Thanksgiving - can't wait to see them as we haven't been able to get together with them since the beginning of summer.

*The other day when I was sitting waiting to go into my therapy appointment something happened with another patient and it bothered me a lot.  I barely made it back into my therapists office without starting to cry.  It just bothered me and hurt so....I told her about it and felt better as she understood what happened and I knew then she would handle it after there making sure the person was okay.  But it just really made me feel for the other person.  One of my favorite sayings is - "Be kind for everyone is fighting a battle."  I think it is so true. We never know people's stories or the battle they are fighting so it really bothers me when people are unkind and lack compassion towards others.

Two friends right now are in an argument that escalated so much that they ended the friendship. I can get we all have different views. I can get we all have a core belief that sometimes we can't see beyond and see it how others see it.  My parents go to a church that is doesn't believe in Gays/Lesbians. Their church believes marriage is between a woman and man and any other type of relationship is a sin.  They also voted for Romney and who is against Gays/Lesbians having equal rights.  My sister is a lesbian. I am bisexual, but not out to them. But my sister is out to them. And they are against her loving in my eyes. Now they would explain they are for her loving and getting married, they just don't "support" the church's view or Romney's but they support the church through donating money to it weekly. The supported Romney through voting for him. And that for me says - they don't want their daughter to fall in love and get married. It bothers me and it is hard for me to see beyond that. But...even though I don't understand it.....I don't stop loving my parent's.  I don't agree with them, but I don't disown them. What I can do is look at them and know we are all different. It is their choice - even if I don't get it  I  don't continue to harp on them, I don't  continue to argue - but look towards them with compassion and hope and pray they will see how supporting those against equality for everyone hurts so many amazing people in the world including my sister.

Words and actions can sometimes hurt people so deeply - we can't understand or see how it affects them.  Someone called me a murderer because I had an abortion - someone who is a friend. It was really hard for me to let the disagreement about it go and just continue the friendship, but I finally let it go and hope one day the compassion that this person shows towards so many others will shown towards me and know what that word does to me.

There are so many words and actions that to me speak so clearly for us and sometimes we don't realize at all what it means to others.  I am trying really hard to think before I speak and act - are my words kind? true and necessary? do my actions hurt people I care about? will this be kind towards them? help them?  So many things to consider, but helps me in the long run too feel better.

We all say and do things that can cut to the core of us, but hopefully we can see a broader picture of compassion and love.  Yeah I am a tree-hugging bleeding heart liberal if can't tell by these last paragraphs. Peace to everyone!

Friendship, Advice and Whatnot

I started this post a long time ago, but never got around to finishing. A chat with a good friend of mine and her blog post about the subject made me get back to it.

A while back, I received an email that made me know I had to stop answering some of my emails.  It wasn't that I get too many of them or that it made me angry or anything. It just becomes that I am not really helping anyone - really. Because I give the same advice over and over and over again.  Over the years, I feel I have just gotten more blunt about it though. I  am not what I say mean (at least I hope I don't come across that way) - but I am sure at times it can come across as harsh.

Because for me...I am not sure why someone would write me - a complete stranger on how to deal with their relationship?  I don't know them. I don't know their Master so how can I give good advice. So often my advice is - talk to your Master, talk to someone who knows you - a good friend and if you are really wanting to be a slave suck it up and obey.

I am happy to share my knowledge and experiences through my blog, website and often through email to people. I am glad you can relate and you even desire similar things, but know you won't have the exact relationship I do because we are all different so it is hard for me to give you advice. We are all different - yes unique little snowflakes and that include dominants. How Master wants things done or how I need to communicate with him is very different then how previous dominant want things.  So I can't tell you how to do x, y or z because I don't know your Master or you.  Because again how I handle things and learn things is very different then how you might.

Even the relationship Master and teacup have is different from the relationship I have with Master. I mean we are both his property and slaves, but how he does things with her is different then  how he does them with me because we are different people.

The reason I throw in the friend part into my advice is because I think a friend who knows you will have much better advice than I - a complete stranger. I know that my friend who I referenced at the beginning of the post, will tell me to suck it up if she feels I am being too whiny, she will also let me whine and vent about things she knows are really non-issues when I sort through my feelings and venting helps me sort through those feelings, and she will never ever tell me to get out of my relationship even if I am feeling very frustrated, and struggling on a big life issue that seems like it is going against my very core beliefs. She knows that I am owned and she won't try to undermine Master's authority over me.

I am thankful for her and the few good friends I have that understand my relationship and accept it. I have even several friends that are in the vanilla side of things who accept my relationship and help me through things when I am struggling.

I know often when I get emails from people - some are hoping to befriends. I am up for interacting and creating friendships, but I will say I am lousy at it. Just horrible. I have a hard time keeping up with people because my time is Master's. So emailing the friends I have already and my family are infrequent now - add people to list of friends and well they are even more infrequent and that can bother some people reaching out.

I know that I am thankful for all the people that do write, but know I just can't possibly write everyone back.  Remember this is almost always my advice - talk to your dominant, talk to a good friend, and obey even when it is hard.

last week

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Approach or Not?

Something I have thought about before but have never had happen was what if we saw kinky friend or acquaintance we have known from online or face to face from events and such out and about doing shopping or work stuff...do you approach or not?  I mean first I think it matters if they are with other people. If there are other people around, I probably wouldn't want to approach because I wouldn't want them to have to explain to the people they are with how he/she knows us.

But what if they are by themselves. I mean people are around but the person is by him/herself just walking out of a building...how about then?

Well....we had that happen yesterday.  Someone I have known online for quite a while and always wanted to meet was coming down the hall as we came out of a room we had just been working in.  We had all of our equipment and were heading to the elevator. I was in front and Master was pushing our big cart full of equipment.  A woman was walking down the hall and we both looked at each other and smile. It was a smile of recognizing each other.  I looked back at Master and he had the same expression of he felt he knew her too.

We had just a split moment to make a decision. Do we say something? Or do we let the moment pass?  She was walking out of the building alone and we were done for the day and about to walk to the elevator.  So Master said "excuse me" but the man that was walking behind her turned around so I said, "Ma'am"  As in the moment the only name that I could think of was her Fetlife name something I am not going to use in a public place such as that.   She turned and came back with a smile.  We said that we felt we knew each other and smiled in that knowing smile that says yes we know each other being kinky.

She recognized me from my photos, but not Master but that is understandable as their aren't that many photos of Master out there on FetLife or our blogs/website.

It was really nice to meet her and just talk to her a few moments, gave each other hugs and went on our way. But  I am so glad we decided to stop her and not let the moment pass wondering.   She is someone I have always wanted to meet and thankful we stopped her even though the place we were meeting wasn't the most usual place to run into like-minded folks.

2 Years

In 2010, I only did  30 posts for the whole year, but I understand why as that was the year my Uncle died and  Kam also died and I pretty much pulled away from everything. I only did 31 posts in 2011.  I didn't even post in the first 3 months of 2011.  The only reason I started post in April of 2011 is because we met some people who were moving to the area and now are good friends. I wanted to share the experience of meeting like minded people.

I am now coming up on the 2 year anniversary of both my Uncle's death and Kam's.  I am happy to say although I miss them and still have moments of grieving - sadness that come up - I am over the biggest parts of my grieving.  I know that many things helped me get through it all.   Master of course is one of the main reasons I was able to move forward.  He was really great in just supporting me and understanding when things seemed to be falling apart around here. He helped me when he could and of course he got frustrated and angry at some things I did but he still was there for me.  Other things that helped me were good friends - such as the friends we met last year that moved to the area. I can't imagine not having them around - even if we only see them once a month or every other month.  I enjoy their company so much.  They have come to mean so much to me and I count them as blessings in my life.

Meeting katie was also a big moment for me that helped me keep looking forward as she is such a lovely person who is so inspiring to be around.  I really wished we would have had more time together but so glad we keep our friendship alive through online contact at least.  I truly don't know what I would do without such a wonderful friend who I can be myself with even when complaining or sharing joy. You are a beautiful person inside and out katie and I love and adore you!   So thankful we were able to meet in 2011 and hope to see you again in 2012.

My long time friends have been a great help too - Jouet and Jessica. Jouet for making me laugh and telling me wonderful stories of her life. They were always a good distraction and it is always fun to live vicariously through others.  The cupcake story I still replay in my head often. :)   Jessica - for allowing me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. Thank you so much for being there even when I was at my worst.  I love you both so much and am so thankful to have you as friends.

And last but not least I know that teacup coming into our lives really helped me look forward to the future...giving me hope for a bright future. A future I have dreamed about for so long and was not sure we were going to find someone to fit into.  She came to us in an unexpected way when we weren't looking and now we are moving towards being a family. I cherish the memories we have already created and look forward to the ones we will make in the days to come. I love and adore you, teacup. Thank you for coming into our lives and wanting to be a part of this family with all the ups and downs.

I know I am forgetting people - so many people reached out to me during my struggles and I appreciate every single person...each time someone commented on my livejournal or blog, emailed me, dropped me an offline message or message on fetlife - it meant the world to me and helped me through it.  I have amazing friends and family - I am very thankful for having such a good life and you all enriching it.

Day to Day

So thought I would do a little life update as I hadn't done one in a while...


Master and I were all prepared to be traveling across country for his work. It would have given me a chance to see my friends in Ohio - just for a night but at least one evening with them would have been amazing. It also was going to give us a chance to stop off and see teacup too before heading home.  Just a day or two before we were going to leave it got called off. We thought it was going to be reschedule and now...it is pretty much been call off for good.  It really is disappointing for us. Seeing my friends in Ohio would have been so great. I miss them more then I think I let myself realize. It wasn't until I wrote them to say I might be coming that I really let those flood gates open. The thought of sitting and talking with Moni, Angel and everyone else just make me feel so good.  Not to mention it would have meant more time with teacup - because although she is visiting soon we don't live near each other so anytime with her is so good.  So disappointment all around.  


As teacup kept saying everything happens for a reason - well as it does turn out Master started feeling really bad about 2 days before we would have left and he ended up with the most nasty flu/cold which he then passed on to me. I don't think I have ever been so sick. I am still recovering actually.  But there for a while the body aches, fever and headache were really doing a number on me.  So it would have been horrible to be this sick on the road so I guess that is the reason why we didn't go. 


Because I have been so sick that I have gotten off the schedule of things I wanted to get done before teacup visits so the next couple weeks for me will be busy busy. 



kaya wrote a great entry on her blog about  having a threesome with her Master and poly...goes into the great sex and also the feeling around just having someone else in his/their life.  It says so many things that I totally related to and understood from both sides actually from being in her position she is in now  to being the other woman and how that position relates to the couple.  So...taking a little piece from kaya's recent writing about her threesome with her Master....


"I am not immune to the normal fears. Of course I worry about being replaced. I worry that she’s better (easier?) than I am. I wonder why I’m not enough. I worry that he’ll prefer to spend time with her over me because she’s new and shiny and she hasn’t had 8 years of picking up dirty socks to curb her enthusiasm."


I have said something similar over and over. I am the old shoe. And she is the new shoe.* She is shiny and bright and you want to wear her all the time. I am the old shoe that has been cleaning his toilets and picking up his dirty underwear for the last 9 years so being in the relationship day in and day out does make some of the shiny go away.  (*This is the generic version of she and not referring just to teacup)  I am not saying we don't have fun and we have moments of shiny but our moments have moments of mundane day to day life in it. And often with shiny the new relationship energy is there and making everything bright even the mundane.


In my past poly relationships and past relationship with my ex-husband, I never felt replacable.  So this is something that happened with Master. I always have chalked it up to - my relationship with him is different then it has been with anyone else. Really that comes into it very strongly.  Because with him everything changed on how I function within a relationship.  



The other night Master and I stayed up all night having a discussion turned argument turned discussion about something that actually in the end revealed a key point of my internal dialog - why I have these particular little tapes that play that tell me I am replaceable. I have a fear of being replaced by teacup and all the logical and rational thought I throw it - doesn't really calm those feelings down much. These feelings really didn't come out strong until her but I remember when we started this path I did have the nagging feelings inside that said that I could be replaced. Now I figured out the underlying reasons for some of the feelings a while back but it was really the other night that Master and I figured out the bottom line where it all steams from. It isn't pretty.  It isn't something I am going to discuss here so sorry for eluding to it but not saying it but just the way it goes....the reason I am talking about it because I had fears that after we told teacup about it that she wouldn't want to be with us.  She of course handled with grace and understanding that she always seems to have in abundance....she accepted it and was very supportive in doing anything she can to help me get through this.  I am very thankful we found someone who is such an amazing person inside and out. So kind and caring - I love and adore her. I can't wait until she is here. 

March Q&A - Several Questions

I have several questions:
What books are you reading? 

The Reunion (The Marketplace Series) by Laura Antoniou , Urban Pantry by Amy Pennington, Home Economics: Vintage Advice and Practical Science for the 21st-century Household by Jennifer McKnight-Trontz, Can I freeze it? : how to use the most versatile appliance in your kitchen  by Susie Theodorou and Fix, freeze, feast : the delicious, money-saving way to feed your family by Kati Neville and Lindsay Tkacsik

What is one website that you visit daily?  One? only one? :)  I visit Facebook, Pinterest, TinyBuddha, and FetLife daily. 

Will there be a hierarchy within your poly relationship?
Yes, Master at the head, but teacup and I are equal. I of course will know things she doesn't in this relationship because I have been here for 9 years but offering advice and being here to maybe help her, doesn't in my terms mean I am above her or alpha of her. We are both His. I won't be in charge of her. I won't be ordering her.  I am not alpha - thank goodness as it isn't a role I enjoy. 


Are you out to your family? Any vanilla friends? 
I am out to both of my sisters about the bdsm.  They both know I have been in poly relationships, but I know they don't believe Master and I are poly. But I did tell one of my sisters just very briefly about teacup when we were home for Christmas. But I think that she probably thought threesome and then cast it aside. 


I have some friends that are vanilla that know but they all met me through my blog or livejournal so they knew before I could out myself technically.  


My therapist knows about the poly but not about the M/s. 


Remember it is March Question Month. Ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments or via email. 

It's December - Really?

* We had a chance to have lunch with good friends before we have to hit the road for the holidays. It was a lunch in unexpected place because none of the other options were available but we made due, We had good talks with like minded people who get us. It is so good to get together with them.  Also got a cute cute fabric candle ring she made - so cute!

* It was good to hang out and talk with them as lately I just feel so out of touch with all my friends. I haven't chatted with so many friends on im or phone lately and it is making me feel very far away from them. I miss them.

*We had out time at home cut down from having a week left to having 3 days. So I have had to cut all baking from my to-do list and if you had read this blog for any length of time you know I love to bake at the holidays so it is really hard for me to cut that off my list. It just doesn't seem like the holidays this month to me. Only thing that has been so fun is that I am making a gift for everyone on my list that is just a lot of fun and has a lot of meaning to me.  So that is making this time special.

* Domestic Servitude is posting every day in December and it isn't just me posting! :)  Please go check out all the great posts!

* I am so silly happy that a change in our holiday plans from flying to driving means we can meet up with teacup. yay!

 * Although I feel 2011 just flew by because it was so busy - it was a much better year then 2010.  Despite my health problems it still was a better year then 2010.  So many things to count as wonderful memories and blessings.