Monday, August 05, 2013
I love being social and need it in my life to feel balanced. When I lived in Cleveland, I had a great group of friends and we did things on our own weekly almost, but we also had BDSM community stuff to do weekly. But even then - with those extremely good friends, I still had anxiety before going out and being social. It is less than if meeting complete strangers, but still there.
When we are walking into a group of people I don't know, I am also extremely quiet. I will speak and interact, but I probably won't leave Master's side. But if you hear me with friends, I am laughing, joking, talking and interacting. But you know what, I probably still won't leave Master's side. He becomes my anchor when anxieties rear their ugly head.
I know some people take that shyness to be arrogance or aloofness, but honestly it is just me being nervous about speaking. I am quite opinionated even though shy. So when I do speak up, it can come across as arrogant because I might not have spoke much before that. I am so freakin nervous when speaking in a group of people that it probably comes out blunt or harsh because I just want to get the thought out of my head and be quiet again.
Public speaking adds a whole new ball of mess to the mix of emotions. Anxiety of course is heightened. The very first time I did public speaking for the BDSM community - I literally got up there wearing a corset type top that my cleavage was spilling out of and said look at my boobs don't listen to me as I am a nervous wreck.
You know there is that saying...."Be kind to everyone because you never know the battle they are fighting." I so get that one. I know a lot of people who meet me would never know that I am shy or have social anxieties. They would just brush it off as arrogance or being aloof. Thankful for those that actually get to know me.
*icon from artist - Riikka Sormunen