Sunday, August 04, 2013


I am doing a repost from an extremely old post.  So some background at the time I had several play partners/fuck buddies, 2 girlfriends and Nick, who was someone I  was involved with online that I hoped would eventually be an offline 24/7 D/s relationship. Obviously it didn't work out (thankfully) - as I am with Master and have been for 10 years. 

From December 7, 2001:

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and how that was not what happened. I said, "I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off." I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.

August 4, 2013:  I really don't see those things as ultimatums even today.  I just don't get how me deciding that my needs aren't getting met and either ending the relationship or informing my d-type that is giving ultimatums.  Most of my D/s - M/s relationships have required transparency. Example - saying to Master I am feeling overwhelmed is helping him in having control over me.

I think sometimes people see submissives expressing their views, feelings as being forceful and that comes across as ultimatum. But not in my opinion and I know that in my relationship with Master if I didn't keep him informed of what was going on with me - he would feel I was lying too him and not giving him all he needed to have authority over me and control me.

This repost me think of a thread that was posted on FetLife recently on Owners compromising with their slaves. I know for our relationship Master would say he has compromised on some things because of my health - emotional as well as physical.  He has had to give up things he desired because I can't go to certain places without doing damaging to myself - emotionally or physically. 

The example I gave in the thread was about being chained to the bed.  When I was first here with Master, he chained me to the bed every night.  Eventually I started waking up in pain.  It got worse and worse overtime so where my back was out of whack and making it almost impossible for me to serve him.  I told him about being in pain.  I was giving him the information he needed to control me as he does on a daily basis.  In our relationship - hiding that would have been lying to him and that would break down trust.  So Master had a choice - he could either find another solution to work instead of the chain that met his desired needs or stop chaining me to the bed. He made the choice to stop chaining me as the other solutions didn't really fulfill his needs.  He compromised what he desired to make sure I was healthy. 

Again I don't see as I gave Master and ultimatum, but from the repost of the 2001 post, I would say that some might say that I did.  I gave him all the information he needed to control me. 

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