Radiant

Here is the link in case the video doesn't show up.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iskxmVrU_dY

When is M/s right for you?

When I was 16, I was involved with a boy who tied me up and spanked me. We eventually had sex.  But I was kinky. I didn't know there was a word for it though until much later. I was 27 when I discovered words for who I was and what I liked. It was probably close to a year after that I actually got the nerve to go into Barnes and Noble and order Different Loving which had only been published a couple years prior (before the days of ordering things online as Amazon wasn't around). I was with my husband at the time and trying to get him to be okay with naming the relationship I felt we had before I knew there were words for it.  When I came to the section on 24/7 in Different Loving, I knew I wanted to be a slave.  I don't recall anything that was said, but I still remember how I felt. I knew reading it that I wanted to belong to someone 24/7 and be a slave. 

After my marriage ended, I knew I was going to seek a M/s dynamic. I bottomed and did a D/s relationship for a bit, but never felt totally fulfilled. I am glad I played and explored before jumping into M/s. Not everyone is going to want M/s...I get that.  I also get that not everyone wants to be a bottom or do a D/s relationship.  These are not  the only options in kink world for relationships. I am saying, by exploring, I could gain life experience, self-awareness, and also find out what elements I wanted and needed from a kinky relationship. I am thankful I explored first to figure things out before jumping into a M/s relationship as it helped me identify what elements I wanted in a relationship - period - M/s, Top/bottom, D/s, Owner/puppy - or whatever type of relationship desired.

Why am I writing all this... What is my point..... Well... I was asked recently if I felt it was okay to jump straight into a M/s dynamic when new to BDSM and my answer was no. But I realized I didn't explain why.  I think a person needs to have self-awareness, a good realistic view of M/s and life experience to know if it is really the best path. But only YOU can decide that.  Only the person wanting to walk this path can know if it is right for them.


I have been around people who were young in age, but had life experience and amazing levels of self-awareness and if they asked me if what I thought about them getting into M/s - I would probably say, "go for it."  I have known people in their 40's who lacked self-awareness and life experience and might tell them that maybe taking some times to really get to know themselves might be better before jumping into M/s. I have a very close friend in her late 30's recently ask me what I thought about her pursuing a M/s relationship although she is new-ish to BDSM and I told her I could see the slave in her and understand why she wants/needs it as her path. I think she knows enough about what she wants and needs in a relationship to know if M/s was right for her.  She was going to do it without my validation, but sometimes just hearing it helps that knowing inside shine brighter.

Although it might feel right and shine bright inside - there are still times you might question. You still might go is this really right for me even if most of the time it feels so right. You question because you are fighting against messages we have been told all our life - we question because it feels so different to actually be doing the thing we want as we often think it is not possible to have what we want - and we question because it is just our internal workings nature to question.  It is okay to want M/s and it is okay to go after it and it is okay to question.  

Just know M/s doesn't happen over night. Relationships build out of compatibilities. It takes time, energy, communication, and investment in each other to grow into it. But again the only person contemplating it can decide and know if they are ready and want to try.    

Break Ups

First Master and I are good.  I will say that again Master and I are good. We are not breaking up. We have been together for 10 years - through good and bad and each year strengthens our relationship. But breaking up is a part of  almost everyone's lives. Most of us go through it at least one point in our lives.  It took many tries of finding that one before Master claimed me as his. It takes a lot of time and energy to find the one and even more time when poly and looking.  The end of May Master and I ended our relationship with teacup. It has been extremely hard on each of us. Master and I have been there to help teacup in processing just as she has been here for us too.

I know the Dominants I have been with have felt it their responsibility to be there for the submissive because the dynamic ending impacts so many parts of daily life. I know in my past relationships it helped me to have the Dominants support me while I processed and healed my heart.  I am thankful for having such caring and kind men in my life. 

My first dominant after my marriage was a long distance relationship. He broke things off with me because he knew I wanted M/s and he didn't and he also was wanting someone closer in distance to him. I am lucky he was a really nice gentleman as he kept in contact with me for a long time after our break up. Because he had been my dominant and had control over my life one day and then the next didn't so he didn't want me to feel completely abandoned. He helped me process and work through the grief of the break up. Eventually we lost touch with each of us moving.  But I am ever grateful for the contact he had in those months after the breakup.
 
My breakup with Kam was extremely hard because it wasn't a true breakup. We ended the M/s, but continued the Daddy/little girl and went to being boyfriend/girlfriend and still lived together.  It was hard because I had been enslaved so serving him all day every day for almost 3 years and then we changed that so it was hard not to just naturally do the things I had been doing - such as getting him a drink and the other acts of service that were my daily life. I did do some as his girlfriend and little girl, but it was hard to figure out the line and boundaries. He was very kind and supportive of me trying to process the end of the M/s. 

Maintaining a connection even as friends/family I think is important after ending a D/s or M/s relationship.   The dynamic can be difficult to move on from because our worlds become so intertwined with these kind of relationships. When that dynamic ends, it can leave each party feeling lost, confused, and alone. So reaching out to one another to ensure each person is processing and moving forward safely - is just a good thing to do.  The people involved come to each other knowing each person is hurting, processing and dealing with grief differently, but not abandoning each other.
 
For some people it might be easier or just part of their personal coping from grief to not have that other person around. In the end you need to do what is best for you, but communicate that so the other knows to seek support elsewhere. 

When D/s protocols have been such a big part of each persons life, it can be hard to navigate the world without it in place. We each had responsibilities in the dynamic and just because the dynamic ends doesn't mean the connection stops. Be kind to yourself and each other.

New to FetLife?

Are you thinking of joining FetLife?  A little nervous and curious what you will find?  What to know some tips on helping your experience be more positive on FetLife?

FetLife is like Facebook for kinky people.  It isn't geared towards finding a dominant, submissive or just sex partner - it's not a meat market. But I will say by participating you might find someone that captures your interest so it isn't out of the possibility to find a kinky partner. 

So tips:

• Fill out your profile. -  Be honest, be yourself, be open, but no need to overshare or spill out your whole life's history on it.  If you feel your profile is going too long. Make it a writing and link to it in your profile. (FAQ on how to link and other FetLife formating codes)
• Upload a photo.  Men having just dick shots won't make people flock to you. Make sure you have other photos uploaded please. I have to say the same for women - just tits and pussy shots don't do anything to help you find someone.  
• Fetishes - Having a huge list of fetishes makes it harder to scroll through your profile. I suggest not listing every single one and listing those that are the most important and you feel define the type of dynamic you are in or seek.

This is a social media platform so join groups, share photos and writings, comment, and jump in to get know people and make friends. I really wouldn't suggest one group over another as it really goes to what groups match your interests best.  Such as if you are new to the kinky world - then Novices and Newbies might be good for you. Interested in Poly and Kinky?  Or are you Kinky and Geeky?  A submissive woman?  My suggestion is look at the groups your friends like. You can browse them on their profiles. I have friends with similar interests so have found good groups by finding groups my friends are a part of too.
 
By participating in groups, posting blogs, commenting and just generally interacting with others on this type of internet platform - you will get people voicing all sorts of views - often in disagreement with your own. It is a public forum made for everyone to share opinions, thoughts, beliefs and silly stuff. So don't take anything too personally and view it as learning experience instead of an attack. We all want to be heard and connect with people and this type of platform can give us that - just not always in ways we expect.

Last bit of advice - Think before posting and be true to you.

Fainted During Play

This past weekend we were at a local event and I just briefly mentioned something that happened to me years ago.  I went to look in my blog to see if I could find mention of it and I couldn't find it. I thought it happened in 2001 with a play partner, but couldn't find it so thought I would share. 

I had been in the scene for about 7 years when this happened.  I had played before and not ate all day so really didn't think anything of doing it again. I mean I knew that it was a risk and had heard that you should eat, but I never had a bad reaction - except one time.

My play partner put cuffs on me and attached me to a St. Andrew's cross.  He was flogging me for a bit and then I started feeling clammy and dizzy.  I called to him and he came up to me and I said, "I think I am going to faint..." - and I fainted. I slumped and he grabbed me. Luckily I was attached to the St. Andrews because I could have fell on the hard floor near several pieces of equipment and possibly hit my head. He called a friend over and just as he was going to have her undo a cuff, I came right back.  He got me out the restraints and sat me down.

After we talked to try to figure out what it could have been - running down a list of usual suspects in these kind of cases - locking knees, meds, illness, fatigue, not eating and so on. I realized at that moment - I hadn't ate. We still don't know if that is the case, because as I said above I had played without eating all day before and never had a bad reaction.  But this time I did.  My play partner was fairly new to the scene so he actually was happy to have a learning experience from the situation. Upset I fainted, but glad to see what happens and what to take away from it.  From that scene on -  I made sure I ate before hand so I learned too.  I have never fainted again.

I have a good friend that faints from playing quite often - just because her body goes into shock with pain play.  Her body just doesn't know how to handle the assault of the sensations and goes into shock.  So she has to negotiate and really educate her top before playing.

My point of telling this story is....things happen. Sometimes we can prepare for them. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes things happen and there is no explanation of why.  It is okay.  Do your best to learn from it and move forward.

Here are two links to learn more about illness and fainting during play:
Facing Sudden Illness During Play
Assessment and Treatment of "Fainting" During BDSM Play

Service to Enhance His Life

I think a pitfall of  D/s and M/s relationships is thinking that you have to do x,y, z to actually be "doing it right."  But really there is no right way to do a D/s or M/s relationship.  Do what works for you.  Do what fits in your relationship naturally.  Finding protocols, rules or service can only be figured out by the people in the dynamic because you live your lives day in and day out.  It doesn't need to be complicated.  You don't need page after page of rules or protocols.  Start small and simple and build on it.

It is easy to take things people say they do and make them work for you.  A protocol I have read is about the submissive walking on the right side and one step behind the dominant. Now why people do that - I am not so sure.  But we have taken that rule and made it into a practical service I do for Master. He has me walk on his right side because he is hard of hearing and that is the side of his good ear. So I walk on the right side so he can hear me. He didn't create this rule because it is what "slaves should do" - he created it because it makes his life easier. So figure out how to make rules, protocol and service that enhances daily life.  


Here are some examples of service that I do in my dynamic that might help spark ideas for your dynamic...

• Chauffeur/Driver - I do drive Master very occasionally
• Domestic Service - I clean, do laundry and cook
• Secretary - I take notes for his business, do filing, manage household bills, sort mail, shred paper work and so on
• Personal care - give him massages, cut his toenails, give manicures, trim eye brows/pluck eye brows, trim his goatee, shave him, at times I will wash him and/or wash his hair, make sure he takes all his meds and vitamins daily, set out his clothes, take care of his clothes - such as buttons replaced, hems falling, boot-black/polish shoes, pack if we are traveling
• Yard Work
• General Catch-All - such as general household repairs - such as the sprayer on the sink wasn't working and so I replaced it or maybe Master needs something I can't do then I research or handle parts of it - if not all of it - such as we need to get a bush/tree pulled out of our backyard then I will be calling around to get prices and see what the process is like, cleaning the inside of the car, or shopping for gifts or making them if he wishes
• Companion - I often ride with Master even if it is him going into a meeting for an hour and him just wanting me there when he gets out. He likes to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie or playing a game - he enjoys my company and wants me available to be able to relax with him.

I am sure I am forgetting things, but this is just a starter list to get you thinking about areas of service. You also might want to read this post over on our website about the authority Master has over my life.

As always talk. I suggest if you are submissive reading this that before implementing any type of service - talk to your dominant.  See if he/she wants it  - because if he/she doesn't then it isn't really serving them.  To help figure out what areas will make the most sense in your dynamic -make lists of everything that the dominant does everyday for a couple of days to a week and then go through together and see if there are things the submissive can do to help serve the dominant.  Be realistic and practical, but don't forget you can add some spice to things if you both desire mixing the things you fantasize about with real life.

Rule the World

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Packing List....

We are going to a kinky gathering tomorrow.  I was checking my list of things to pack/bring....

Pasta Salad
Spoon for salad
Brownies
M&M's
Plates, silverware, mugs
Kettle
Hot Cocoa and Tea
Paper Towels
Towels
Ziplock bags
Bottled Water
Leash
Gag
Cuffs
Ibuprofen, Inhaler, allergy meds
Garbage Bags
Blankets
Winter coats, earmuffs, gloves

This list amuses me....because of course it seems like a regular old list for people going on a picnic/camping. But right there in the middle you can see a few things that aren't regular camping items.Looking forward to getting together with like minded people tomorrow.

Sneeze on Command

You know he can just get into my head and spin it in many directions that I think up is down. It is so so...well frustrating...because I will be going "huh what just happened" and be completely turned on at the same time. I have said to him before jokingly, "You have brainwashed me to think it is perfectly normal do that to me." He just looks at me like, "Yeah so." 

Really not sure it is brainwashing or mind control, but instead I see it more as forms of conditioning and training me. Not just my training me how he likes his coffee, but to train me to react the way he wishes...even my brain. Okay so maybe I am in denial about it being brainwashing and mind control.


One day I felt a sneeze coming, but it wouldn't. For about 20 minutes (maybe not that long just seemed like a long time to me) I struggled and just wished the freakin sneeze would come out. I said that outloud to Master as we were watching a movie. We sat there a few minutes, he paused the movie, turned to me, and said, "sneeze." I sneezed. My mind is conditioned to obey him so I sneezed when he ordered me to do so.

Could he just tell me to sneeze when I wasn't feeling it coming - I am not sure it would work. But I do know the seeds he plants often flower exactly when he wishes.

Mentors in BDSM Community

This is one of my soap box issues I am writing about.  I will also state by putting something on the internet I do know that I will get opinions that differ from mine and I am fine with that because for me people reading more than one perspective is always a good thing.

The definition of Mentor:

noun

1. a wise or trusted adviser or guide

I am not a fan of having mentors. I think forming friendships is better than having a mentor. Because friends know you, know what you are seeking, what you like and dislike, and have your back. I think often a person asks someone to be their mentor when they really don't know them well and how can that person help you when they don't really know you has always been my question. As it says in the the definition above "trusted" and to me often people ask a mentor to guide them without really forming trust or knowing the mentor well enough to know if they are wise and can be trusted.

In my years of being in the BDSM community, honestly, I haven't seen many mentors be close to the definition. There are some, I am just saying the majority don't end up like the definition. I am going to share the mentorships I have seen and why they never seem to work well:

1) It's a Show & Ego - It's all about appearances and who knows who. The mentor might be someone big in the community or even nationally recognized so they will be a great mentor, right? Really just because someone is recognizable within the BDSM community doesn't automatically make them a good mentor. It usually ends up just being about the appearance - the person being the mentor and the mentee get something out of those feelings...makes both feel like they are special. But it doesn't mean that they are being a wise and trusted adviser and guide. Or even know each other enough to make it a good mentorship.

2) Lacking Experience - Sue is mentoring Mary. Mary wants to feel wax and so Sue recommends Carl. Sue doesn't really know Carl, but just going off that demo she saw one time, but doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know him. Come to find out Carl has actually burnt several s-types. OR the other scenario - Sue reads a couple essays and then decides to just try it on Mary even though she has never done it before. My point Sue is lacking experience and doesn't want to say that. The mentor doesn't want to look bad so they guess instead of saying "I will need to research that and ask around to find a person that is good for you." Going to my friend she will say "hey, I had such and such do wax on me and it was amazing." Can a mentor say that too, yes, but I have seen it far too often as the mentor not wanting to "look bad" so they fake it.

3) Maid & BJ Service - Dan is a d-type and the mentor. Fran is the s-type and the mentee. Dan is going to mentor Fran in the guise of "training" - so Dan is getting a maid and blow job service. A friend can tell you about the lifestyle without having you clean their house.

4) Just a User - Sally is mentoring Joe. Every time Sally and Joe go out to eat, he pays. She sees something in a shop she wants and Joe offers to get it for her. She might do the polite thing of saying, "oh no," but eventually it comes back to "yes please do buy it." Their relationship ends up being more about him buying her stuff than about guiding and advising.

5) Blurred Boundaries - Frank, a d-type, is mentoring Greta who is an s-type. They have sex and bdsm involved in the mentorship so that she can learn and feel different toys and sexual techniques. It starts to blur boundaries and meaning of relationship. One of two things happen often when this type of relationship is set up - Greta starts falling in love with Frank and he ends the relationship so then instead of dealing with a mentorship ending she is dealing with a broken heart OR Frank might not see things as objective and not give Greta a full scope of information because that boundary has been crossed. When you go to friends, you are getting each of their own perspectives based on their experiences, but that is why you have more than one friend so you can get different views and a good friend will push you to find your own view too. And again friends know you and what you are seeking so can come at it from that direction.

6) One True Way - Hilda tells Jane who she is mentoring - one view - her own. So Jane might view SSC as the only way because Hilda never shared RACK or PRICK. Going to friends you are getting each of their views and again friends encourage each to find our own views.

7) As Protection - I think many s-types use it as a crutch so they don't have to deal with anyone. They don't like confrontation or conflict so someone else gets to deal with the d-types writing them or hitting on them in person. I get some d-types can be pushy, but all you can do is to tell them no and to back off. A mentor or protector won't do anything else. If you are having problems with confrontation and standing up for yourself, it is my suggestion to look into why you have those issues and work on them. Personal responsibility is a lot more sexy then most people give it credit. The dominants worth their weight in gold - are the ones that see you standing up for yourself and being a strong, capable person and like it. If you are having problems with a dominant - go to your friends first. Because if I want someone to have my back, my friends will do that better as they know me. I can say "hey if you see so and so approach me come and check on me." I am not meaning just s-type friends. Make d-type friends, because if it gets to the point of someone being too assertive having a d-type at your back when you say no isn't a bad thing. Again I am not saying don't have protection, but have protection in the form of a friend because they know you. But just letting you know if you stand up and say no to those pushy dominants - eventually sets a reputation up that you won't be walked over and that just because you are submissive doesn't mean you submit to every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along.

Do I believe in learning, exploring and safety? Absolutely, but I think there are so many ways to do that. Having community that does discussions and demos. Creating friendships of like minds. Reading and joining in discussions online all help in educating ourselves. Using all these things will help you figure what you want and desire.

Necktie on the Doorknob

Master had a rare appointment this afternoon where he had to wear a tie. I set his clothes out and hung the tie over the closet doorknob.

This is the convo we had as he got dressed:

Him: does the a tie over the doorknob mean you want sex?
me: I always want sex, but technically that tie is on the closet doorknob so not sure that means the same thing.
Him: that means you want to be locked in the closet.
me: mmms yes I think that is it Master.

Yes I love sex and it turns me on, but the thought of being locked in the closet turn me on more. I think I might be kinky.

Edit to add: My first thought that came to me when thinking of being locked in the closet was Master having sex with someone while I was locked in the closet.

Goodwill Shopping is Good*

Yesterday kaya wrote about shopping at Goodwill over on FetLife. At first I "hearted" the post and then I realized Goodwill was in the title.

See this is Master's fun at Goodwill, but not so much fun for me: He likes it for humiliation. Going and finding clothing that is too small or finding a muumuu or Grandma's housecoat type dress. Then threatening to make me wear it around town.  So, I was like okay Master has already been inspired by kaya once this week,  I really don't need him to be inspired by the Goodwill post she did so I will unlike that post and hopefully he won't see it on his FetLife feed.

Well unfortunately, Master still saw the post.  He causally mentioned Goodwill, but didn't say if we were going. I just kept my mouth shut as we went on our way doing our various stops around town.  One stop was going to look at mascara at a Clinique counter at a local department store.  I found some I liked and the clerk said, "Would you like to participate in Goodwill day?"  I turned red and choked out, "What is Goodwill day?"  All the while inside I was screaming at her for mentioning the evil words Goodwill.  (Goodwill day is where they donate a percent of all purchases to Goodwill.)

Thankfully Master didn't have us go to Goodwill, but it is still floating around in his head. He really doesn't need help with being sadistic and this week I am blaming kaya for being a source of inspiration.

*I was ordered to do that title. Goodwill shopping isn't good!

Restrained Property

On The Slave Register group on FetLife, there was questions about keeping property in restraints. So thought I would write my answer up as a blog post. Adding some more information to it. 

Master and I have been together 10 years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was stepping off the plane to meet him for the first time.  When I first visited Master, I stayed for a month. In that month, he kept me restrained, locked up, and isolated. It was because....well, both of us get off on that and because he was training me. He was slowing me down and getting me to focus on him.  I lived in Cleveland, Ohio at the time and I was a social butterfly. I had things to do all the time and was just very busy so slowing me down to make me focus on him was exactly what I needed. If I had been brand new to the lifestyle, I am not sure we would have been doing something like this, but really it just depends on the people and what they desire.

My suitcase got locked in the closet and I was stripped naked and cuffed. He would allow access to some items as time went on - such as sexy lingerie so I could dress up for him. Clothes became a privilege he only issued when we were going to go out. He kept me isolated away when I was first arrived so I didn't go out often. At bedtime, one ankle cuff was locked to a chain that was locked to the bed.  He sometimes left me chained to the bed in the morning when he went to work because again he was trying to get me to slow down.  I didn't get much sleep in Ohio, so he was trying to get me to sleep and rest.  The first morning he did that I discovered a problem.  The chain wasn't long enough to go to the toilet in the bathroom. The night before I had put a large plastic cup next to the bed with water.  I took that cup and because I  could just reach the sink with my arms - I emptied it and peed in the cup.  Master loved that I had to piss in a cup.  He almost thought of keeping it that way, but then decided no if I needed to toilet for a bowel movement or throw up - I would need the chain longer so he bought a longer chain.

I cleaned house in the wrist and ankle cuffs - sometimes with a chain between them and sometimes he left the chain off.  At times I was locked away when not serving. I have been locked in a cage to sleep and just kept.  All these things re-enforced my status within his household.  Helped me slow down and focus on him. He became the center of my world and in the type of relationship we wanted and have - M/s and O/p - really that is needed. All those things helped train me to be his slave and property.

Over the years there have been times he has still done those things, but not as long term as that first 30 days.  Some things get harder and harder for me to do because of my health issues also.  So he has to balance if he locks me heavy cuffs to a chore, that might mean I can't move the rest of the day because of pain. 

Being restrained like that does change the way I think and feel though and sometimes just to have those feelings is worth the pain I have on the backside of it. I always feel and know I am Master's property, but  those feelings are heightened with the restraints and locks and such. It also feels more primal because it makes me feel like his object and his captive. It makes me more pliable, demure and submissive.

It does have sexual aspects too it.  It is something that I fantasized about for so long before Master and then it became my reality with him.  But as time went on it really did depend on the situation on if it turned sexual for me. I remember a few times where it just annoyed me and did nothing for me sexually. Other times it felt just very utilitarian, but my body still reacted. And yet other times it was totally sexual even if cleaning or doing mundane tasks.

It can be impractical in general keeping a slave in restraints, but that really is some of the purpose to me to help figure out how to do this task without them getting in the way - such not getting my leather cuffs wet (we have a set that just is used for this purpose so they do get beat up more because of it). But I try hard to not have the o-ring on them bang a glass while loading the dishwasher because it could break it. I have to really focus on my movements and what the things I have on will do with the task at hand. It is difficult to do many tasks and sometimes hurts with chains, locks, cuffs digging in as I do the task. Although it does make me focus on the task sometimes it made me feel good inside being locked up like that and knowing it pleased Master that I do these tasks like that - other times it annoyed me. It is more impractical now because I have some health issues and chains and cuffs hurt more now and doing one thing might have lasting impact for days.

Over all I think having the restraints especially locking ones and being kept naked - really re-enforced my status in his house. I think it was the perfect thing to do - to train me to focus on him and my service. It made those internal workings really know I am his slave and property - he owns me and I have to obey him.

He's a Creep

Have you ever got an email or had someone approach you and think, "He's a creep?"  I know I have done it.  But I would like to reframe that a bit - instead of thinking "He's a creep" instead maybe think "You know he isn't my type, but he has a match out there." 


I do think there are people who are inappropriate on their interactions.  But I think the ones that are truly inappropriate are usually easy to spot:

• Asking to hook up for sex
• Asking for naked photos
• Asking you to do something like send them a note saying you will obey and be their submissive, saying "Kneel Bitch", "what are you wearing", "I am now your dominant and you will only talk to me" and so on with the over the top commands.

I think some people get put in the inappropriate box because....

• Group Think - here is how it happens: Someone writes a sub A a message that is very benign like welcome to fetlife, some safety tips or definitions for when you are new to BDSM. Sub A goes to to sub B and says "So and so wrote me." Sub B says, "Oh stay away from him he is bad news." Now before sub A can even make up her mind he is bad news she has it in her mind he is and goes with it. Then eventually a whole group is thinking this just because sub B doesn't like this person. SO...find out for yourself and don't fall into the group think mentality.

• Not your type - Sometimes we can get a gut reaction just because someone is so not our type that doesn't make them a creep. The emails might just be asking about things you are interested in, but they just aren't your type so it makes you uncomfortable reading it. Better to say "no thank you" then say they are being inappropriate. Because all they are doing is trying to show that they are interested in you. Take it as flattering instead of taking it as they are being a creep. Be clear and polite in expressing you don't have an interest.

• Projecting – In a previous M/s relationship, after asking for release, I really was all over the map. My feelings were chaotic, angry, hurt, sad … everything. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Inside myself, I hated the feeling of not being owned. I felt pressure to find – the one. I started getting hit on right away (as most single submissives do) and I quickly discovered I had become prey. Most of the emails I got were the easy to spot kind (like mentioned at the beginning of the post), but some weren't. I found that I was projecting my own feelings onto them because I felt pressure. I was a mess and didn’t immediately recognize that I needed time to heal. They weren’t pressuring me – it was my own issues pressuring myself that perpetuated my misconception. All they were – were d-types who had an interest in me. Looking back, I can see that they were just carrying on a conversation and simply wanted to get to know me. I turned them away because of my own internal issues and what I was projecting on them. Actually maybe in a way they were meant to help me move forward without pressure, but I couldn’t see that because of the pressure I was placing on myself and how I was feeling in general.

• Misunderstanding – One thing I think that happens more than anything is that we constantly misunderstand the motivations behind what people write or say. I think we’ve gotten so used to overreacting because we aren’t used to people acting like people. We’re used to the ones like “kneel bitch” or “show me your naked pictures.” Sometimes people just write you to get to know you better. Sometimes they crave conversation or they might be lonely or yes there might be an interest. There is nothing inappropriate about that and you’re definitely within your right to then invoke “not your type” as mentioned above. But at least recognize that you may have misunderstood their intentions or read into something that simply wasn’t there. It throws you off because we sometimes automatically put something in the inappropriate column without understanding the motivation in the first place. It’s always better to communicate clearly where you’re coming and/or ask if you are unsure of their intentions so that there can be no misunderstandings down the road.

Some Tips to help you Navigate the Playing Field...

• Take Time -Take the time to get to know someone. Just because you have a few conversations with them doesn't mean they are perfect partner. Let it happen naturally and figure out if your wants and desires meshes with theirs (even the vanilla stuff)

• Be Clear - Be clear within yourself what you are seeking and be clear with those who are interested. It is okay to say "I want to get to know you as friends." It is okay to say, "I want to play, but I don't want this to mean anything, but play." I know that sometimes playing can imply to d-types that the relationship is moving forward. So if that isn't your intention make sure you are clear from the start.

• Attention - Getting emails, chatting, getting attention can make us feel good. When we feel good about that attention, we might do things such as flirt or make comments that can make our intentions change direction. Meaning showing someone your nude photo after you told them you want to be friends is probably going to give mixed signals. It might signal that if you are ready to show a nude picture then you are ready to move forward in this relationship. I am going to throw this out there from years of experience - Guys, even domly types, sometimes take any attention from a submissive as a signal things are moving forward. Because the attention makes them feel good too so the leap forward instead of listening. So just because that attention feels good, keep clear in your boundaries and direction.

• Ask for Advice - but resist the urge to gossip. It is fine to go to a good friend and say "I am confused on this guys signals...here is what has been happening how do you see it" or "I have been telling this guy no but he doesn't seem to be listening can you see if I am giving him mixed signals or what I can do to help him understand." But resist going to friends and saying "hey he is a creep." Because just because he makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean the next person won't be able to break him out of this shell and connect with him. It might be your projection and your issue which makes him feel like a creep to you. Sometimes we are mirror and can learn a lot about what we think of others by turning that around on ourselves.

• Delete & Block - For those FetLife emails that say get on your knees bitch, send me your naked photo, or lets hook up for sex and play type messages - delete them. Don't even respond. If they message again, block them. On FetLife, you go to their profile by clicking on their name. On the right hand of the profile you will see Message Kinkster, Add to My Friends, Report User and Block User. Click Block User for those that are persistent and won't take no for an answer.

• Instinct - last but not least - trust your instinct. If something feels off, then trust your instinct. You don't want to meet with that guy you made a date with, then don't meet with him, be polite and clear when you call him and cancel and yes calling and canceling is the right thing to do. Just don't stand him up as we all know how that feels. Also don't just jump to the conclusion it is him - it might be that you aren't ready or he isn't the one for you. Something made your internal workings go stop and it might be something with him or it might just be something with in yourself.

Bottom line is be clear with people, trust your instincts and use common sense.

30 Days of Kink - Day 25

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

To those outside the lifestyle - not open at all.  To those within the lifestyle - depends on how close we feel to them.  Recently Master and I have had the pleasure of really getting to know a group of people in our community. We feel comfortable with them so we can be ourselves with them and enjoy things we don't usually allow people to see. It really just depends on the person, how open we are with them.  

When I lived in Ohio, everyone I pretty much met - I came out too.  But with Master having his own business in a smaller town - it really isn't possible.  We still have that fear of being outted.  We aren't ashamed of being in the lifestyle, but we also are realistic in knowing people around us might not approve of our lifestyle and that could ruin Master's business and our lives.  

Happiness From Serving?

Do you believe your happiness can come(in it's entirety) from serving your owner?
I do gain happiness from serving Master, but I gain happiness from many other things and people in my life too. All things and people are in my life with my Owner's permission though so are done through serving him. Such as I am an artist and I create mixed media art works and he encourages this and allows it. By creating art I am serving his wishes and desires. He likes my creative personality as he has similar creative elements in his personality so it meshes well with him.

Do you believe the above view point is healthy?
I don't think it would be a healthy place for me. I know that when I cut art out of my life - I feel unbalanced. I need a creative outlet to be fulfilled just as I need to serve and be owned to feel fulfilled.

What role does being owned play in your personal happiness?
I know that if I were in a relationship that had equal footing, it would make me feel off and uncomfortable. Being owned does provide happiness to me as I feel more myself. It fulfills many elements of my personality.

Does your owner encourage you to rely on (him/her) for your happiness, completely?
No, he doesn't. He likes that I have many interests such as creative elements in my life and that they bring me happiness.  He encourages me to pursue things that make me feel good and happy.

BDSM Play Parties: Part 3 of 3 - New to Play Parties

This is a 3 part series. Part 1 is a general explanation of what a play party is and some of my personal experiences.  Part 2 is about hosting a play party. Know that every place is different and has their own rules. I am covering points based on my own experiences.

Never been to a play party then this post might help you get prepared....

First is the play party at a public space or private?

Some public spaces have members only parties so you would have to be a member before coming to their parties and sometimes they have nights that are open to the general public.  Either way they will most likely have a website and rules on their website about the parties they host. Often private home parties are invitation only and don't expect invitations right away - you need time to get to know the host/hostess well before they might extend an invitation.

Some things to just keep in mind...

* When invited to a play party, you won't be expected to play just because invited. You won't be expected to get naked or do anything that you aren't comfortable doing. It is perfectly fine to watch and learn.

* You will see nudity.  Usually the submissive gets naked or strips down to lingerie, panties/underwear and mostly d-types stay clothed - if anything is taken off - it is a shirt or striping down slightly as flogging or doing a scene can work up a sweat.

* Don't touch people. Don't touch toys without permission. No is no - no matter what. Just because someone is naked doesn't give anyone the right to touch that person without their consent. If you see someone who is nude being touched by people at the party, it is because they have relationships with those people that allow that type of touch. Don't assume because someone is single they are looking for a hook up and are okay with touch. Don't touch people without asking! Not even a hug.

* You might see types of play you are uncomfortable viewing. If it makes you uncomfortable, walk away. There is almost always areas for socializing as well as many other areas for play that might make you more comfortable. We are all unique and all have different ways to express our kinks.

* Don't interrupt scenes.  You might see something you liked - a technique or toy you like, but wait until after the people are done playing and moves to area for socializing to ask about it.  Don't interrupt scenes - even if it makes you uncomfortable...the type of play might an area that doesn't interest you or even frightens you. The screams might sound like something is wrong.  Don't interrupt. The couple has safety measures set and playing how they want to play. If you really think someone is in danger, dungeon type space often has Dungeon Monitors (DMs) walking around go to them and have them take a peek. If at a private party, go to the host and hostess.

* Watching, again is fine, but please be quiet if talking. Keep it to a whisper. No loud conversations or laughter around play areas.

* No jacking off.  If you came there to wank, then you are in the wrong place. You might get turned on watching a scene, but it is considered highly impolite to jack off while watching people play. As I stated in Part 2 - we allowed sex at times, but only in a certain area.  Many parties don't allow for vaginal or anal penetration, but might allow for oral or hands/fingers.  Why they allow for some sexual contact and not others - really just depends on the space or home.  Okay now all that said sometimes a party will be set up specifically to fulfill fantasies and maybe a sub has a fantasy of several men jacking off on her as her D-type beats her - then of course it is okay. But often that kind of party is set up with trusted close friends in a private setting.  So you most likely won't see that type of thing when you attend your first play party.

* Turn off your cell phone and no photos. 

* Single?  Don't expect to go and play. Can you find someone there you might want to play with? Absolutely, but be polite in asking, talk some and negotiate.

* If you think you might want to play, bring your own toys.

* Safewords - usually a dungeon type space will have universal safewords that they want everyone to use so that if DMs hear them and the Top isn't stopping the DM will step in and stop it.  If you read part 2 of this series you will see when we hosted we didn't, we felt everyone was adults and responsible for their own safety.  If you feel like you trust someone enough to play with them, then you should trust each other enough to use safewords or communicate in a way to get your emotional and physical conditions expressed.

* Dress before, during, and after play - I will talk about dresscode more below. Private parties usually want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.  After I play or if changing between different play areas, I like to have a coverup/robe as I am not comfortable walking around naked.  If you come dressed one way, think about how you want to be dressed after being beaten. You might be floaty or having sub drop so getting dressed back into fetish or even street clothes can be a pain. Pack some comfy easy clothes in your toy bag too.  I usually hate wearing my bra, thigh highs and heels home so I pack clothes to replace those if needed. 

* Take care of you -  Do what makes you comfortable. Don't feel pressured to play. Watching is fine.  Also make sure you eat and drink plenty of water as playing can burn off calories and make it so you are dehydrated.  If you have medical issues, make sure you have meds and friends that know so they can spot signs. Such as  I have friend who is diabetic sometimes after she is beaten it messed with her insulin levels because of the endorphin rush so always had meds with her and when she was invited to one of our parties - I made sure to have some orange juice around for her to drink after playing. 


Some questions to ask the host/hostess:

Is there a dress code or theme? Is nudity allowed? -  Sometime public dungeons or bars having a fetish night will have a dress code or a theme.  Often it does mean some type of leather or fetish attire for a dress code.  Themes can include: Pirates, Medical, Goth, and School type costumes. A bar having a fetish night usually won't allow nudity.  Sometimes a bar having a fetish night will have a fetish show or performers and so they might set a dress code or theme according to it. They might allow very close to nudity for dress such as thong panties and pasties for females.  Public Dungeons often allow nudity once inside.  Private parties want you to arrive in street clothes and then if you desire you can change inside the party if you want to wear something more fetish oriented.

Is there food and drink? Do you need to bring something?  - Often at Fetish nights at bars - there isn't food.  But often parties held in dungeons as well as private home parties will have a potluck or share a snack type party.  Sometimes they provide drinks other times they ask you bring your own. If it is bring your own, make sure you bring a bottle of water.  Playing either from either Top or bottom place give you a work out and make you sweat and need to replenish liquids.

What time do the doors close?  Once you leave can you come back in?  -  Often dungeons will allow entrance for only a set time and once you leave you can't come back in.  If you are a smoker they often have areas set up for smokers - like a back patio area that is walled off so outsiders can't see you. Sometimes Public Dungeons don't allow nudity until after the doors close and it then usually becomes a private party which then allows for nudity.  Private parties might have a door closed policy also because the host and hostess want to play too and having to wait to answer the door can infringe on their time. Also they might have play area set within an open door view and so want people inside before play starts and no neighbors can see.  They also have areas usually set up for smoker that sometimes mean getting covered up and back in street clothes or it is walled off from neighbors view.

 Is there areas designated for socializing and also aftercare? -  Often public dungeon spaces as well as private play parties have both. 

What type of play is allowed and what kind of equipment is available?  - Some public dungeon spaces have area for blood play, wax or water sports, but don't allow it at parties because of liability issues.  They also often don't allow gun or knife play, fire or scat play either. Sometimes they might allow blood play if they have a room that can be closed off and have it set up for safety - such as having a sharps container.  Dungeons often have a wide range of equipment, but private play parties might have much more limited play space.

What are the rules?. Saves a lot of time by asking for rules ahead of time to figure out if you will be comfortable. Rules will often address many of the questions you have floating around in your head.

Again always ask if you have any questions.  Play parties can be fun as they can feed exhibitionists or voyeurs. They also can be a bit overwhelming if you haven't had any type of play around people.  I know with Master and I, we need to be very comfortable around people to play in front of them.  So take your time, ask questions, use common sense and just have fun!

BDSM Play Parties: Part 2 of 3 - Hosting

When a former dominant and I decided to have a party we would send out invites for play parties via email and also attach a list of house rules and what we expected.  Once people rsvp'd we sent them a contact phone number, our address and a map.

Here is an example of our house rules....again every house or dungeon might have different rules this is just an example of ours. 

House Rules
* RSVP - we need a number for drinks and such.  If you are going to arrive late, please let us know. (Reason for them letting us know if they were getting there late is because at the beginning of each party we go over the rules again and some additional things that are too complicated to explain in writing such as cleaning certain furniture if using it to play. We wanted to make sure we had people that could explain those things to them when they arrived in case my dominant and I were playing at the time.)
* Arrive in street clothes - but feel to change when inside or strip down to naked. Just keep it vanilla when you are outside our home
* No touching other people without consent.  No touching others toys without asking.  We will have toys out that are available for use, but please clean and put them back after using.
* Be responsible for your play. We aren't going to police you so if you are playing with someone new, please make sure you negotiate and decide how you are going to stop a scene by either using good old fashioned communication or a safe word.
* Be aware of noise. No need to keep your screams muffled, but also no need to scream your head off and get the cops called on us.
* Be aware of others playing around. Keep conversation and socializing to the designated areas
* If wanting privacy before, during, or after play - close the door to the room.  But please keep in mind people might be waiting for the space so don't be a hog.
* Speaking of pigs, clean up after yourself.  We have anti-bacterial wipes in all the rooms, wipe down toys and equipment.  All other areas will be explained at party on cleaning procedures.
* Sex is allowed, but rules will be explained at party.  We have condoms, lube and some sex toys available for use.  Clean up will be explained at party. 
* We have a house first aid kit and will show you where it is when at the party
* Smoking only allowed on patio.
* No drugs or drinking alcohol allowed
* What happens at the play party stays at the play party. Please no sharing names and details of who and what was going on at the party. 
* Bring a snack to share. Paper plates, napkins, utensils, and drinks provided. (sometimes we would order pizza or cake if there was a birthday around the time of party and we would include that on this that they bring a snack, but pizza or cake would be provided)

So I just typed that up from memory....it has been more than 10 years since I hosted a party, but I think I got the major ones.  We had to put that drugs and alcohol on there as someone showed up drunk wanting to play and was doing inappropriate touching. He was just rude and loud to all our guests as well.  I know it is big in most community settings to not use drugs or drink while playing.  We really didn't have a problem with someone having a beer with dinner and coming to our party and playing. It was when they showed up drunk that it started to change the way we hosted.

What happens at the play party stays at the play party happened after attending our party some people would say something to someone who had not been invited and then that person would be butthurt and write my dominant or me upset.  I have a blog obviously I like to share so when I went to parties or whatnot I would say I went to a party, but not say who or what happened except for me.  I really had no problem someone saying on their blog they went to a party. They just needed to know what they were going to say who hosted the party and be okay with saying I am not allowed to say for privacy.

One that I would now add that there was no need for when I hosted parties is turn cell phones on vibrate/silent, no photos and no video recording.  I know it is in this day and age, we are photographed and video recorded all over the place in the vanilla world, but having our photos taken in the BDSM world still can damage careers and relationships with vanilla family and friends.

The Space....We lived in a large 3 bedroom - 2 bathroom apartment. Our kitchen was set up for drinks, then we had dining room with a table set with snacks.  People could help themselves to snacks throughout the evening.

We had a big square living area that had a dining room in one corner, a home office in another corner and then a living room area and reading area. In our home office area, we did have an area for play, but it was understood that they would be near the designated social area.  People liked that area if they wanted to just have some light play with laughter. The living area was social and the reading area I had a wax station set up.  I had crock pots with wax sitting on low table and then an area with plastic and layers of comforters covered with plastic again and then an old sheet over that.

We had 3 bedroom, usually all 3 were available, but occasionally there was only 2.  One room was our "dungeon" - it had a stool, a chair and a portable/collapsible saw horse in it. It also had a shelving unit that had toys in bins and hanging from it. The other 2 were set as bedrooms. One bedroom was my dominant's and had a king size bed that had all sorts of attachment points around it. At the end of the bed, I had a several layers of flat sheets folded over so that people could pull up and use to lay on and then strip off after they were done.  He also a dresser that had these loop drawer pulls that were good for bondage attachment and we usually put a a little bench I had in there too.  The third bedroom had a full size bed in it and a chair.   That bedroom we had set up for those that wanted to have sex mixed in their play.  I had a basket of condoms, dental dams, gloves (for fisting/fingering) and lube.  I also had sex toys that were toys that could be shared as they could be cleaned with bleach or sterilized. I asked that a condom be put on them though for added protection. I had those toys in a basket too. I had stack of towels and a stack of twin flat sheets. I picked up a bunch of twin flat sheets at Good Will - some even had smurfs and cartoon characters on them.

Someone using that room would take a sheet off the pile, put it down on the bed, add towels if they squirted, and then go about their business.  After they would throw sheets and towels into the laundry basket, throw condoms and wrappers into the waste basket, and if they used toys, I asked they wipe them off with a wipe and put in another basket I had next to the dirty laundry so that I could clean them properly after.  If anyone saw a toy in there they wanted to play with I had been known to clean them right then for them.

I stated in this post that, we had toys out that people could use.  We did, it was mostly just homemade things or dollar tree pervertables.  We did allow people to use some of our nicer toys, but we liked if they asked.  We never had this happen, but I know it happened at some other parties - toys being stolen.  So having your toys put away or not loaned out is quite common.

At our play parties, we usually got the ball rolling with some play because it seemed to help get things moving in that direction.

After people play, they would usually EAT! It made us all hungry. So we always had snacks, but sometimes adding in pizza, big sub sliced up, or hot wings. One time, I had nacho bar.  We always had a bowl of some type of chocolate and a variety of drinks. Drinks included water, soda (usually coke, diet coke and sprite), and coffee as often people weren't leaving until the wee hours and some had 45 min to hour drive home.

Hosting a play party can sound like a lot of work, but really having people contribute to it makes it easier on you. Have people bring snacks.  Ask those that have portable equipment to bring some. If you want more equipment, have a building party and get some people together to make some. Make it as easy as you can on yourself.  I really enjoyed hosting as well as attending play parties in Cleveland. Here in our smaller community we haven't had much experience with them and it takes Master and I significant amount of time to feel comfortable around others that we would even play at a party.  Sharing that bond we have with others can be hard at times - it is very intimate and can make you feel exposed.  I doubt Master and I will ever host a party - only because our own home just doesn't have the room.

If you are wanting to be invited to a local private party, then all I can say is be patient and get to know people like you would any other time making friends and sharing experiences. Part 3 - will address questions to ask before attending a play party or things that might happen at a play party to ease your mind before you go to one.

[Part 1 of 3]

BDSM Play Parties Part 1 of 3

I had someone ask me recently what it is like to go to a BDSM play party. When I lived in Cleveland, I went to quite a few play parties as well as hosted many too. So thought I would talk about them a bit. Of course this is just from my own experiences and I know everywhere is different and has different ideas and rules.

So let's start with what a play party actually is...it is a party where kinky people engage in kinky play. It can be a more organized event type party such as when I lived in Cleveland, a local group had their meeting and then a play party after at a local dungeon.  Dungeons often have lots of equipment such as spanking benches, St. Andrew's crosses, cages, tables for bondage and other devious torture.  They sometimes have areas designed for blood sports or water play, but I found that most of the play parties didn't allow those things.  The dungeon rented the space out for private sessions to do those things, but in a big group they didn't want to be liable for fluids spattering on someone.  Also usually no sex at public dungeon spaces even when rented by a private party such as the local BDSM group because that can come across as selling sex when you pay to get into the dungeon.

Some play parties are just local fetish nights at a bar or dance club.  They might have a dresscode and won't usually allow for nudity. They will have a limited area of play and often have performers as entertainment.  They don't often allow for many things that the dungeons don't - such as sex, blood play or water sports.   

Private play parties are held in homes.  I attended many that were held in private homes as well as hosted play parties in my home. My former dominant and I  didn't have equipment, but some private home play parties do have equipment and an actual space laid out as a dungeon. Such as one private home that I went to for a party had their whole basement set up as a dungeon. They had several play areas laid out  with equipment, toys hanging around on the walls, and then they had a bathroom for clean up after play or for water sports.

Many of the private home play parties I went too, maybe had one or two pieces of equipment if that, but had chairs, stools, beds, couches and other such normal everyday furniture available for use in whatever creative way you wished. Our play parties usually just utilized our furniture. We did have a friend that had a portable St. Andrew's cross - so sometimes he would bring that. 

Many of the private home play parties didn't involve sex either. Some did, but the majority of the ones I went to didn't have sex allowed. Mostly I think that was because you are going to be fucking, sucking or whatever on their everyday furniture and they don't want fluids on them.  It wasn't that we are were prudes and didn't enjoy sex with our BDSM - it was that "hey you are on my couch without pants and cum spurting out of your dick."  The play parties I hosted with my former dominant, did allow for sexual activity to happen at times, but usually just one room of our home. (I will describe that set up in part 2)

When we had parties, we only invited close friends and usually kept it to a certain number of people just so everyone could have time to play.  Some people ended up getting their feelings hurt when we didn't invite them. Some people take it very personally and I get how it can be personal.  Why someone and not someone else might be invited, but I will say the people hosting the party need to be the ones comfortable with inviting people into their homes. Being in their personal space with photos of their kids on the wall, neighbors walking their dogs past and so on can be outside of a comfort zone. It is a very personal intimate thing to be invited into a home.

Our parties often ended up being about numbers. We didn't want it too big and it was hard to pick and choose who could come. I had a group of very good friends in Cleveland so they were what I will call my tribe.  But when we invited the tribe to our parties - we right away had 10 people so it didn't leave a lot left on who else could invite even though there were many times I wanted others too.

I will say that there were a few people I didn't invite until after knowing them for several years.  I know it easy to not feel slighted, but just to try to remember it takes time to get to know someone and invite them into your personal space.  Especially when you are opening your home up for such intimate activities.

Part 2 will describe what happened when I hosted parties: house rules, areas of play, clean up, sex areas, and a few other little things.

Ultimatums

I am doing a repost from an extremely old post.  So some background at the time I had several play partners/fuck buddies, 2 girlfriends and Nick, who was someone I  was involved with online that I hoped would eventually be an offline 24/7 D/s relationship. Obviously it didn't work out (thankfully) - as I am with Master and have been for 10 years. 

From December 7, 2001:

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and how that was not what happened. I said, "I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off." I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.


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August 4, 2013:  I really don't see those things as ultimatums even today.  I just don't get how me deciding that my needs aren't getting met and either ending the relationship or informing my d-type that is giving ultimatums.  Most of my D/s - M/s relationships have required transparency. Example - saying to Master I am feeling overwhelmed is helping him in having control over me.

I think sometimes people see submissives expressing their views, feelings as being forceful and that comes across as ultimatum. But not in my opinion and I know that in my relationship with Master if I didn't keep him informed of what was going on with me - he would feel I was lying too him and not giving him all he needed to have authority over me and control me.

This repost me think of a thread that was posted on FetLife recently on Owners compromising with their slaves. I know for our relationship Master would say he has compromised on some things because of my health - emotional as well as physical.  He has had to give up things he desired because I can't go to certain places without doing damaging to myself - emotionally or physically. 

The example I gave in the thread was about being chained to the bed.  When I was first here with Master, he chained me to the bed every night.  Eventually I started waking up in pain.  It got worse and worse overtime so where my back was out of whack and making it almost impossible for me to serve him.  I told him about being in pain.  I was giving him the information he needed to control me as he does on a daily basis.  In our relationship - hiding that would have been lying to him and that would break down trust.  So Master had a choice - he could either find another solution to work instead of the chain that met his desired needs or stop chaining me to the bed. He made the choice to stop chaining me as the other solutions didn't really fulfill his needs.  He compromised what he desired to make sure I was healthy. 

Again I don't see as I gave Master and ultimatum, but from the repost of the 2001 post, I would say that some might say that I did.  I gave him all the information he needed to control me.