Orgasm Denial

Orgasm denial or just controlling orgasms is one of those things I don't feel works very well for the majority of women. Oddly I feel from things I have read, it seems to work better for males than females, but that might be a myth or not accurate.

Every dominant I have ever been with has probably tried some orgasm denial or controlling orgasms with me at some point, but I am one of those women where the end result isn't usually what the dominant is wanting.  It is more of a use it or lose it kind of thing for me. So denying orgasms for me, just turns off my sexuality.  Controlling when I masturbate or am given pleasure where I am told I can't have those things - again usually just turns me off sexually.

I can think of one time orgasm denial worked with me and that is with my ex-husband. He had sex with me and touched me, but wouldn't let me orgasm or touch myself. He really kept my sexual hunger right there on the edge because he was being sexual with me every day - often multiple times a day -  just not letting me orgasm. It was about 5 days and then he let me orgasm. He was working up to a special occasion by making me wait for it - I think it was the anniversary of our first date. It did create a hunger in me that when I did orgasm it was very intense. But again he kept me sexually on edge.

In my history, when I have had dominant do orgasm denial it is more along the lines of - being told I can't orgasm for a set amount of days/weeks. There isn't usually a lot of sexual interaction so that sexual need isn't there. It fades and just makes it very hard for me to orgasm then when that stretch is done. It doesn't create anticipation, build my sexual frustration or make me crave sex or his cock more - it makes it fade.

The same thing happens when I am told I can only orgasm when I ask or am told.  For me....it was hard because I am sexually submissive and if my dominant tells me to masturbate one night and then doesn't the next - well in my mind he doesn't want me too and I want to please so I don't ask to masturbate unless really I feel like it is going to fade soon if I don't. But even then if it is last moment for me - it is harder for me and not as pleasurable. So...again...if I am not masturbating or having sexual interaction with someone then it will fade.

For me, being told I can't orgasm or having a set amount of time where I can't orgasm or have sexual pleasure, will make my sexual appetite shut down and then make it harder to achieve orgasm, to get wet or turned on.

Controlling a submissive's orgasms or sexual pleasure, it often seems like being told no is the idea of control. But being allowed is a form of control too. As a dominant you are allowed to say yes or no. I am allowed to orgasm during sex when I can.  I am allowed to masturbate whenever I want. Even if it isn't Master's hand, implements he wields, or his voice creating the orgasm, he is the one that allows me sexual pleasure and energy.  If Master didn't want me too, he could say no, but he said yes. He had the right to tell me yes or no.  I just couldn't decide on my own - he decided because he has control of me.

Ultimately Master has found that he feeds off my sexual energy. To keep me sexual - helps his sexual energy. So allowing me to have sexual pleasure - gives him the end results he desires. And I am very very thankful he  wants me to be sexual.

Manipulation or Just Knowing Master

Recently Master was needing to take a trip out of town.  He told me he didn't think I would be coming because my sciatica is acting up so badly that he didn't want to cause me further pain - he hadn't made up his mind yet but was leaning toward me not coming.

Master has been under a tremendous amount of stress and when I travel with him - it helps his stress levels go down.  I am able to be there riding with him so his mind doesn't get stuck on work and other worries - and we can talk about all sorts of things and get him to relax a little.  I am there to set out clothes and make sure all his stuff is order when leaving for meetings. I am there for fun stuff such as sex too which also helps him relax. I have been going through depression due to chronic pain, so besides wanting to be there for him I didn't want to be alone. It just didn't sound all that good to me. So I really wanted to go with him.

I have been with Master for 9 1/2 years so I know what he wants and how he likes things.  I know how to best approach him when needing to ask for something, suggest something or propose different ideas then he has planned.  It can be a pair of shoes I want or that I feel I see a better way to handle something - all sorts of things I know how to approach him when sharing information.

On the way out of town with Master, yes I got to go, I said I know him and know how to approach him with things - so is that manipulation? Or is it just serving him in the way I know he likes best?  I know not to push certain buttons as he has taught me what those buttons are and how to come at certain subjects because of those buttons.  He has taught me his preferences in multitude of areas so I now know how to navigate now without even really thinking about it.

Example....Menus for dinner.  He really doesn't want me to come to him with a menu. He wants a list of things I can make and he can choose. When I make the grocery list, I say these are things I am thinking of making sometime this month, do you have something you are craving or want added or changed. Now he is fine that some of those things don't get made and others do - he likes choices so having a wide range of choices for the month is more important to him then having a locked in menu.  So I might say in the morning or tonight, we have chicken and hamburger available in the freezer, does one sound better to you then the other. Or I might say we have more chicken right now in the freezer, these are the things I can make with it.  I know him enough to know if I offer up a hamburger or chicken choice his first question is what do we have more of so if I know we have more of chicken I just cut straight to the chicken and then offer him a list of choices.  Is it manipulating him into chicken? Or is knowing what his first question will be to me so just cut to that answer?

For me is knowing him. If I wanted chicken, I just offered chicken when there was more hamburger then I feel I would be manipulating him into chicken because I wanted it.  But I can't do that - really it makes me feel all sorts of terrible to even think about it because damn right I have thought about it before. Because sometimes you know *I* want something and not offering him certain choices would be nice and just making what *I* want, but that isn't how this relationship works and it makes me feel guilty when I even think about things like that.

So when it came time for him to start deciding if I was going to go on the trip, I knew how to approach it.  I know Master enough to know he wants me with him so ultimately he would most likely move to that direction, but I still needed to not push, I needed to phrases things in a way that I know don't push buttons and I knew I needed to then sit back and let him make up his mind. I did that and I went with him.

It has taken a lot of years for me to navigate that - I have gotten caught in the trap of telling him what he should do - when actually he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. Starting a sentence like that is pretty much a death sentence to I was asking for. Being straight and truthful with my feelings and why I want to go is the better approach.  Showing I am able to go through my actions is also a good approach.

As I said above I am going through a depression and when I can't move things fall behind. Well it got to a point where I had it. The house was driving me crazy so I was doing bursts of cleaning and then having to be in bed for the rest of the day. But those bursts of cleaning helped Master make up his mind because he saw I was able to move more then I had in the past weeks. He understood I was paying for it, but he still felt movement helped in the case to go.

I also told him as I said above - straight and truthful my feelings - "I want to go because my depression is eating me up and I don't want to be alone.  I also don't want you to be alone as you have been under a great deal of stress. Dealing with my pain at the end of riding in the car is worth it to me to put up with - to be with you. Plus I will have a day of rest between and that will help me better deal with it."

I didn't nag on it. I just said it and let it drop.  I did the things I needed to around the house and then let him make up his mind.  In the end, he decided I could go. Manipulation? Well he doesn't think so that is all that matters. I am just thankful that I have learned how to approach him so that he did consider it. I am glad to have that time with him.  We always have a nice time on road trips.

BDSM Tips for Beginners

I have read a lot recently where it is said that many women that read Fifty Shade of Grey end up writing ads on Craigslist saying they are submissive and not really understanding the consequences of saying that or who might be on the other end of that ad.   So, You Read ‘Fifty Shades’, and Now You Want to be a Sub… by Tessa Taboo on Eden Fantasys Sexis Magazine talks about what a submissve might be getting herself into without knowing much about BDSM.

I can totally understand being upset about these women not understanding what they are getting into, but I also turn back and think about when I got into it formally and what did I do to help ensure my safety.  I didn't just arbitrarily put an ad out on the internet without doing a lot of research to know what I getting myself into and what exactly I wanted.

We are adults and we have to use common sense. Will every woman use common sense? No, but those doing research and learning more about BDSM before jumping in will find tips for safety in abundance out on the internet.


So just thought I would add my 2 cents for beginner BDSMer's...


1. Know yourself.  Read, talk to people, research and decide what you want.  Do you want to know what a spanking feels like? Do you want to be tied up and nothing else?  Do you want someone who can be kinky in the bedroom and be on equal footing outside the bedroom? Do you want a long term partner or just someone to play with? Do you want to be a slave? Do you want switch? There are so many options and so many things that it can get overwhelming. Talk, write out your thoughts to get them out and evaluate them, discuss with others and keep trying to figure out what exactly you want. Eden Fantasys has not only BDSM/Fetish books such as Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, but also has BDSM toys to help you start exploring.


Also remember it's not set in stone. Sometimes these lines and what you want move.  It is expected and natural ... don't think that you just have one shot at this and you're done. Have fun exploring all the new thoughts and feelings inside.


2. Find friends you can talk too.  You have decided you have these desires....can you tell your vanilla friends? If not, then start looking for friends in the lifestyle that you can be open with so you can discuss your desires. Being able to have friends as a sounding board for not only your desires but someone you are interested in is invaluable.   Friends are great at helping you gain perspective and kicking you in the butt when you are acting without thinking.


3. Get Offline and get out.   Find local lifestyle groups to help you explore those desires by talking and learning from others. Getting out and going to local groups helps in finding local friends and eventually potential partners. If you're invited to a play party or dungeon, then try to go with a friend.  It's okay to sit and watch a few times to see what it's about.  Ask the people throwing the party if you can just be a 'fly on the wall' because you're new and just trying to figure out what the lifestyle is about. It is really good to see things in action that you have been thinking about.  

4. Meet several times before playing.   Meeting up with a potential long term partner or play partner then have vanilla type dates first.  Meet for dinner or coffee.  Talk and talk and talk more about what you both are wanting and expecting from play or a relationship if that is what you are seeking. Don't do things that would impair your judgement.  If you are okay with having 2 drinks, but 3 impair your judgement make sure you only have 2 drinks.  When we meet someone that wants to play or we feel that connection with, it is so easy to just jump in with both feet and say lets do it ALL. But again use some common sense...and remember you really don't know this person yet even if there feels like a lasting connection.  Did you jump into bed with every vanilla guy you dated? If no, then why do it with the d-types (dominants) you are meeting for the first time. 


5. Set up Safecalls.  A safe call is when you set up a time to check in with a call to a friend. You will call with a code word or phrase to let him/her know the date/play date is going well.  You give that friend all the info you have on your date - name, phone and anything else...such as photo.  You tell them where you will be and how long you think you will be there.  You can call when you get there, when you leave, and  with option for one in the middle just to make sure.  If things are going longer then you thought they would, call and set up another call at certain time.  Even when just meeting for a date or coffee, set up a safe call because you don't want to suddenly let your desires take over and say yes to this guy who is saying, "lets go play."  I like even better setting up to meet the friend after. Because no matter if playing or just meeting it is always good to talk with a friend about it after. Also let the person  you are meeting know you are meeting someone after your play date.  If it is someone who was going to go further, they might think twice about it knowing your friend might push you into going to the police if you were battered beyond what you negotiated.  It might not stop someone like that, but it might.  

6. Trust your instincts and be honest with yourself.   Being honest with yourself helps you trust your instincts and vice versa.  If you are feeling off about someone, but they are turning you on you might ignore that instinct by lying to yourself. So be honest with yourself - does something feel off? Does this person really want the same things I do? Does it feel good sitting having coffee with this person as well as playing?


Now after all these tips, I will say sometimes tips like these won't make sense for the situation, but again it comes down to trusting your instinct and knowing even with safety tips doesn't  means you are totally safe. Anything can happen.  Just use your head and be honest with yourself.

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

March Q&A - Different Ways

"In the beginning how difficult was it not to take things personally when something isn't how you would do it on your own? Knowing that you are doing as He wishes even if you don't feel it is the right way.Is it also something that you would just bite your tongue and move on or would it be acceptable to make suggestions of a different way? Ultimately I know that it would be His decision."


Well first I have to say it doesn't just happen in the beginning. 9 years of being Master's and I still go through moments of taking it personally and getting annoyed frankly.  


When he tells me to do something that goes against how I do it or even my beliefs, I will most of the time try to talk to him about it. It is all about phrasing and tone of how I go about that. 


I usually explain to him why I would like to do it differently or why I believe differently.  If in the end he still says he wants me to do it his way, then I do it. It still might annoy or anger me even, but in the end I am his slave. So I bite my tongue and as the saying goes "Suck it up Buttercup" - I suck it up and do it. 


A hot button for me, is my health. I have had people try to tell me what to do for my migraines all my life. I also feel I am in touch with my body and how it works. So when Master tells me, I need to make an appointment or take some med and I don't think it is the right thing for me - it really is HARD for me to not fight it. I often do. I try to explain first why I don't want too but it is really hard for me to still follow through on what he wants. He knows this too and we have had fights about this issue. It is hard for me to believe someone else would know my body and know what works for me because it just hasn't been like that in the past....years and years of people telling me to do stuff that doesn't work or not listening when I say that won't work because I had tried it several times before. So it is a hot issue for me....us I guess because it irritates Master too that I just can't let it go and do what he wants without having to fight it. 


So even after 9 years, I still have issues that it is hard to just suck it up and do it.  Of course on some things it is easier now after being together for so long - I understand why Master says some things and wants some things. It is like muscle memory - knowing he wants this and even if it isn't how I would  do it - I have done things for him so long - I just react to him and what he wants. It is like it over-rides my own thoughts instantly.  


In the beginning of relationships too, the Master/Owner is still getting to know the slave.  He might not know that you know how combat a cold in a different way that works for you that might not work for him...until you explain what works for you.  He might not know that you can fold clothes in a way that will get them done and make them look nicer then the way he does it.  So talking those things through is the way to go.  


Remember it is March Question Month. Ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments or via email

Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.

So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him.  With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again.  Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it. 

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch,  and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.


Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Humiliation - Part 2 of 3

Questions....
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context...

No it doesn't. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn't be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.

"Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?"

For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are....being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.

"How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?" With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up....it doesn't mean that it isn't hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.

Humiliation - Part 1 of 3

I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.

I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?

It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)

So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...

BUT...

On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.

I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.

So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....

For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.

Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.

I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.

Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.

Compatibility

Sometimes Master and I have what we call Sunday Conversations. We discuss a question, topic or essay we found on the web. A few Sunday's ago Master asked...

Which I thought was better - similar lifestyle tastes or a similar foundation in a relationship sense?

And it was an easy answer for me. I feel having similar foundation in relationship is better then having similar lifestyle tastes. Without compatibility in relationship especially those things that are at the foundation of a relationship then we most likely wouldn't achieve a M/s dynamic. I am not saying it doesn't matter if we weren't compatible with kink and the dynamic we seek, but if given choice between the two options, I would have to say that a relationship foundation is more important and would affect our overall compatibility and the longevity of the relationship.

If the person wants to be a slave, that isn't enough of a reason for us to pursue someone. Compatibility goes beyond the M/s dynamic. Determining if we're compatible, how would they mesh in our daily lives? What are their values? Are they open minded? How do they handle crisis? Is honesty important to them? Are they dependable? Do they show respect to strangers as well as family and friends? Do they treat people fairly? Do they keep their promises? What to think the word faithful means? How do they communicate? How do they handle and express anger? Are they are good listener? Basically what are their beliefs, the things they live by? And do our personalities mesh?

When I lived in a poly household, I know that just being kinky and having a desire to be a slave wasn't enough to make you compatible with each other. Some of the girls we had in our household had a deep desire to be a slave, but that fact alone didn't guarantee that we were compatible. Sometimes there was a conflict of values or a breakdown of communication which you need a strong foundation in order to have a solid relationship. Merely having the same kink doesn't mean the relationship can last. It needs more.

His Job?

Read on fetlife...That it the Master's job to make the slave feel good about submitting.

hmmmmm I don't agree with that....

It is not his job to me to make me feel anything...even good about submitting. We might have jobs or responsibilities in the relationship to keep it going and meeting the mutual goals of the relationship. But it isn't his job to make me happy.

There are moments when we all have problems, miscommunication and even doubts. All relationships stumble and hit bumps. But I don't feel that falls to him to make me feel better so I can submit. Of course he often helps me get through things that are hard for me but I bend to him - he doesn't bend to me. I submit and bend because it fulfills something in me. Of course I am most fulfilled when I am able to submit to his authority. And that makes me feel good. When I get through something that was hard to submit to - it makes me feel even better than good. It makes me smile. So in a weird way even the hard things that don't make me feel good in the moment - in the end make me silly happy.

I am wired to submit - it is my orientation. I am responsible for me and my happiness and submitting in ways that make me happy. If the relationship I was in wasn't fulfilling in ways that made me happy or good then...it is time to look at why. And most likely that would a case of mis-matched compatibility as I had in past relationships. And obviously I figured that out and now am in a fulfilling relationship. We have a responsibility to ourselves to find the right relationship that works for us. We can't expect to pin the responsibility of our happiness on another person. It is up to us to find what makes us happy and make that abundant in our lives.

Living in a Bubble

Okay kaya had a post and CarrieAnn has a post about dumbing down. So I guess I am taking my stab at it too.

I'm not sure if I completely agree with the notion of dumbing down, but I relate to many of the things kaya said in her post. For example, when she talked about being excited about a piece of rubbermaid. I do that all the time and I do think it is because my life is simple and I enjoy simple things. I don't think that's necessarily dumbing down, because even though my life has become so simple that a piece of rubbermaid excites me, I can still appreciate a box of Godiva chocolates, a good bottle of wine or a beautiful piece of art.

But for me in getting things is often about my life in regards to money and possessions. I don't own anything. Master owns it. If I get something, it is because Master bought it for me or allowed me to buy it. If I get birthday money or something like it - I have to get permission to use it. I can't buy anything with that money without first asking Master - even if it's for him. So when he takes me to Dollar Tree and I get some cards for some friends, stickers, a bin for art supplies or if we go to Target and he gets me the Twilight dvd or new kitchen washcloths at Wal-Mart - I squee on the inside because Master is buying something for me. I'm not sure that's dumbing down, but appreciating even the small stuff as though it was diamonds or something of infinite value. For me, it is a privilege to receive treats and these fun things and Master likes to do that when he can.

So back on track with the post I'm not dumber because I stay at home and clean house. Staying at home cleaning is pretty simple. I mean most people can clean a toilet and wash dishes. It doesn't take a high amount of intellect to unload a dishwasher. It is just simple daily duties.

Which is why I think I live more in a bubble, than being dumbed down. Before I moved to Colorado, most of my time in Cleveland was very busy. I was a social butterfly. I went out with friends, had dates, worked (which was interaction with others), was active in the BDSM community. I had quite a lot of interaction with people - carried on conversations on a wide range of topics. But now, I don't interact with many people besides Master. The quality of my conversations with him are different and may actually be more intellectual then they were when I lived in Cleveland.

Master is a bit of a political junkie so he pretty much molded me to be the same way. I read books covering a wide range of subjects and I talk to him about what I'm reading. We watch Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow most nights so that we get caught up on world events. I read many interesting things on the internet and we watch a ton of movies and have wonderful discussions talking about all those things. Plus there is the world wide web where I can have discussions on a very diversified range of subjects.

With the diversity of books, news and information I get ahold of, I feel like I could carry on a conversation with others when we go out and interact with
our non-lifestyle friends. However that doesn't happen very easily. When we go out with friends, I draw a blank. That's because I live in my bubble. So I am sure they must think I'm dumb or something, but it takes me time to prepare myself to go out. Mentally and emotionally - I just have to prime myself on what to talk about so that I don't go blank.

Even though I was once a social butterfly, I now have to gear myself up to be around people. Afterwards I sometimes experience a crash because it feels like a shock to my system. The bubble I live in is due because I am isolated. And because he has so much control on my life that most of my interaction is with him. Yes, I do have close friends that I talk to on the phone and I don't have any problem carrying on a conversation with them, but they also know my life. They know the bubble exists even though they might never thought about it that way.

My friends can be a part of my bubble because it is a place where I can be me. That is why I think for me most of my interaction with friends outside of the lifestyle is held at arm's length. I focus a great deal and try hard not to slip up.

Kaya asked owners over on FetLife:

What are the thoughts on dumbing down your property to facilitate dependence and obedience?

I am not the owner in this relationship obviously but I know that Master uses different methods in facilitating a lack of autonomy and obedience. So for me I don't think Master has dumbed me down but I am isolated and he has a lot of control on my life so those things create a bubble around my life. So my brain is used differently now then it was when I lived in Cleveland.

Maintaining Friendships...Revisited

In 2005, I wrote a post that as a slave it is very hard to maintain friendships. And nothing has changed -- it is still hard. Only 3 years later -- I think it is even harder for me.

A while back I mentioned to someone that I like FetLife because it is giving me some interaction through "chatting" with others of like mind. Well I used the word chat but I really didn't mean it in the usual way -- I meant that private messaging each other on Fetlife has been much like it is on LJ and commenting for me -- a conversation without having to sit down and be focused on a chat program for 30 minutes or however long a person wants to chat. When I check mail, I might see another message and answer and then go back to doing chores or work yet it is giving me some interaction that I wouldn't get otherwise.

But even though I enjoy those interactions on FetLife and LJ, I still have trouble maintaining friendships. Last night I had a list of things I wanted to post to on FetLife, comments I wanted to reply on LJ, blogs I wanted to read and reply to, personal emails to finish that I have had sitting in draft for a week -- and yet I just don't have the brain power/energy. By the time I do things around the house and do business related work -- I just don't have what is needed to give anything the proper attention. I don't want to reply to someone when I am half aware of what I am doing and I feel more and more lately that is what I am doing because it is all I have left to give.

The last 6 months of Master's business has had increased work for me as it is utilizing my skills. And I am here to serve Master and that this skill is helping us pay bills and is becoming a successful part of the business so I am happy I can help. But everything in my life has taken a back seat -- keeping in touch with my family and friends, my art, the house, keeping up with other domestic things such as making menus and keeping up with the grocery list -- nothing is like it was before. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

There is a handful of friends that have similar type of Ownership/slave type relationship so they accept it and understand or even are in the same situation. And we are thankful for that for the times we can hook up but don't anticipate it being very often. And then there are some friends - even those in the lifestyle - that don't quite understand and I have hurt their feelings by not being around or they feel I don't want to be friends with them. But it isn't that at all. And I am deeply sorry that I upset friends or hurt their feelings. But on the other hand I am a slave and my duties to Master always come first. And I have lost friends because of it. But am thankful for those that do stick it out with me as I am thankful for your friendship.

Grown Women Playing with Dolls

So I was looking through stats and found that a German blog was linking to my Daddy's Princess post. Basically the post was saying they don't understand grown women playing with dolls and coloring. That kind of made me sad.

Because although I feel like I just naturally have this little girl in me that wants to play. I just think grown women who don't have a little would still have fun playing.

Master's Mom is not a "little girl" she is a old woman with grandkids, but she likes to color. My Mom when she was here for my birthday went to the playground to swing with me. A friend of mine likes to jump rope and skip but she is an adult woman and not even aware of this type of lifestyle. It is fun to let loose and just play. Grab some markers, construction paper and stickers and create. To go back to those innocent days of make believe - by playing with paper dolls or barbies. To make forts in the living room with blankets and hang stars inside it. To make truck paths on the living room floor for little matchbox cars. To paint a picture of a sunny day and bright colored flowers. To get lost in a wonderful children's storybook.

I enjoy paper dolls, coloring books and crayons, construction paper, glitter, markers, stickers, blowing bubbles, groovy girls, stuffed animals, swinging, watching Disney movies, reading children's story books and I hope that I always allow myself to play and have fun! Sometimes we need to reclaim those innocent moments - even for just a second - to feel how we felt when we were young. That's why I feel sad for that person's blog because I believe it means that innocence is lost.

Silence is Golden

I know I am guilty of saying all, never and should. I try to be careful to not do it. But of course I don't always manage it. Most groups online or offline, tend to get some that feel their way is the one true way. The "You should never...." or "All dominant should..." and FetLife hasn't been any different.

But over the years I have found that I don't always need to state my opinion. It has become a matter of letting go of the need to be right, need to prove myself or whatever the feelings were at the time.(They are hard things to own up to and of course I don't always succeed at it but try hard.) So I try hard not to feel like I need to state how it is in my relationship just because the original post doesn't fit how we do things. I try to stay on topic.

If I do feel I can add something to the discussion, I can disagree politely without putting another down. There is a difference between stating how it is in my relationship and implying everyone who doesn't do it our way isn't doing it right. There is a difference between sharing my experiences and preaching to others that don't do it my way that they are unsafe, wrong or insane. There is a different between "this is how we do it" and "this is how everyone should do it." There is a difference between saying, "in my relationship I have to...." and "as a slave we all should be....fill in blank... and if you don't you aren't really a slave.".

When someone posts something I wouldn't do and is asking for advice, I don't feel the need to tell them they are wrong. Because for their relationship obviously it isn't wrong. Plus I know that opening up and sharing can be hard so making others feel bad just closes them up. If I want to help others through my experiences - closing them up won't accomplish that.

So when someone asks for advice for something I wouldn't do or disagree with I try to do one of a few things -- stay out of it since it doesn't apply to my relationship. Or I try to give them suggestions on how it applies to their relationship. Or I share my experience in relating to the topic in a very clear factual way without emotions and without making judgments on how they do things. Maybe I can suggest a link, a bit of advice or a book that might help them. But if I don't have actually anything useful to say - well then I am not going to say anything. I try to remember even though I might not agree with it or would never do it in my relationship doesn't mean I always need to chime and state that because there are so many posts eventually a topic that is fit for expressing my opinion (despite if I agree or disagree) will come up for me to reply to. Because if my reason for wanting to post is to share my experiences for others to learn from then eventually I will be able to state that opinion in a relevant post that deals with the topic. Which will make it more receptive to people. And hopefully then others will read it and get something from it. But I doubt saying, "well I would never do that because as a slave disobeying just never crosses my mind and anyone who does that isn't really a slave or is just a wannabe" helps anyone. It doesn't state anything worth anything to anyone. Not even myself. It is offensive, condescending, negative and implying that others that do anything different then I do -- is disrespectful not only to the original poster but to Master. It isn't a good reflection of him to be feeling the need to be so superior.

I really try to remember to treat people how I want to be treated. If I asked for advice on a forum and everyone was telling me I am doing it wrong, I know how that would make me feel so I try hard not do that to others. I try to remember that just chiming in to chime isn't a good reflecting on Master. Because he wouldn't want me to make others feel inferior or bad that they did something another way. And really it is a just a lot of a wasted time and energy that could be focused elsewhere - like on Master and my service to him.

Submission is not a gift to me.....

Just a reminder this is my journal -- so my opinions. I understand that many feel submission is a gift and have their reasons. But for me....I don't feel submission is a gift. I feel it is another one of those BDSM slogans we have that tries to make what we do seem okay to vanillas or do "newbies." (newbies in quotes as I don't like the term either.) It feels like it is "look see I only give my precious gift of submission to this one person and he will handle that gift with care and cherish it so it is okay - we are okay" It feels very much like a romanticized version of BDSM.

So I don't think submission is a gift because...

* Well looking at the dictionary as it is often the place I start - the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent.

Well reality is that I am in a relationship and try to keep my feet grounded in reality. I don't expect payment but there are things I get in submitting to Master. I mean he isn't just sitting around (gift of submission kind of implies he is to me). As I said it is a relationship and that means not just one person in it - goes back and forth between the people in the relationship. I also get things from serving and submitting to Master. I get pleasure and feelings of accomplishment/pride and many other things. So then by the dictionary definition it is not a gift.

* It is often heard that submission is the best gift you can give your dominant. And I have to say if you think that then I really feel your relationship isn't going to be lasting long. How about devotion? How about obedience? How about loyalty? How about determination? How about the many varied services you can offer through the many skills you have? I have much more then submission to give.

* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important then what the dominant does in the relationship. To me it sounds like the submissive is doing everything an the dominant is sitting there. And that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it.

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate that submission when it is given and how it is given then is it really a gift? It sounds like a gift with strings then. To me a gift is given and then that person owns the gift to do what they like with it. When giving a gift just gave ownership to another person - completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it without "cherishing it."

I can hear well then I wouldn't deserve the submissive's gift of submission. Well then I say put your feet on the ground because life changes. What I give today might not suit him 10 years from now. Just like I enjoyed cherries 6 years ago but now my stomach just can't handle them now. It doesn't mean I didn't value the wonderful tastes and pleasure the cherries gave me. It just changed. I enjoyed it at one time. I don't now. It is a harsh reality to think we might not be with your dominants 10 years from now but reality is some of the best of couples needs/wants change. It is reality.

* I always try to find the vanilla equivalent as I feel we aren't all that different from the counter part. So is a woman gifting her husband with marriage by being his wife? Being a wife is just part of the relationship when getting married. Submitting is just part of a D/s and M/s relationship.

* A gift is given willingly and freely so when I struggle in my submission then again is that really a gift? If a gift is given willingly then my submission should always be given easily and willingly - without struggles. I am human - I struggle.


* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship.


* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one." As they are all things that go naturally hand and hand. Well first trust and love can be parts of a relationship just like submission. Next I don't need trust and love to submit. I do trust and love Master. We are even hearts and flowery romantics at times. We just are mushy. I can look at our relationship through rosy glasses and do get caught up in it. And I totally get submitting to someone you trust. I do think most of us seek that but trusting the person doesn't automatically make submission a gift. It just means you trust the person and you now can submit - sounds like compatibility. (Also that can go back to the definition again because that it wouldn't be a gift. The gift then wasn't given freely without payment -- a person giving the gift of submission after trust and love are in place got trust and love and now are submitting.)

* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned.

Well I feel I am repeating myself now but I think I covered why I don't feel submission is a gift.

Power Exchange?

During March questions someone asked me views that have changed over the years. At the time I think I didn't really come up with a lot even though I know views have changed but today I was reading over some old entries. I saw myself use the words power exchange. And over the years I am not sure I see it as a power exchange. Because the words to me feel like they are a give and take. And I don't think I am giving as much as just being. I believe more in this is who we are together. The dynamic happens because of who we are...He is the Mater and owns me. And I am a slave and owned by him. It is probably a semantics thing. Anyway I have tried hard over the years not to use those words. But I also know that it is a common phrase used in the lifestyle so sometimes I have used it just because it is something that explains our dynamic the closest that people will understand it.

Humiliation

There is a thread on a FetLife group about humiliation. (BTW are you seeing a trend of posting by jumping off on topics there? - thank goodness huh?) Humiliation is one of those things that can make me so wet and leave me with thoughts of it ages and ages afterward.

I decided to look up the definition of humiliation. I use onelook.com because it gathers links to all the dictionaries with a definition for that word in one place. Interestingly enough it also linked to "Humiliation (BDSM)" on Wikipedia.

Definitions of humiliation taken from various dictionaries:

* to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : mortify

* to make someone feel ashamed or lose their respect for themselves:

* loss of dignity: the feeling or condition of being lessened in dignity or pride

* lessening of somebody's dignity: the act of damaging somebody's dignity or pride

* The state of being humiliated, humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.

* state of disgrace or loss of self-respect

* strong feelings of embarrassment

I can say that all of those have happened to me at one time or another in humiliation play. I don't think humiliation has to be a lasting affect. It can happen and just be felt during the play - the moment or for days after or longer. It was suggested on FetLife that most of us just play with a bdsm type of humiliation and not actual humiliation. I do believe there is a BDSM type humiliation. (I haven't had chance to look at the Wikipedia link to see what they say about BDSM humiliation yet.)

I have participated in what I would call BDSM type humiliation play. Someone I was with several years ago used to engage in humiliation play with me. He would call me dirty names, telling me I was worthless and stupid. And it turned me on. It was erotic. And I can even say I enjoyed it. But I can say that it didn't embarrass me or make me feel a loss of dignity, shame or reduced. It just was erotic. Master and I were discussing this the other day and he said it is like someone who bungee jumps. The fear is still there even though they know they are going to be okay. That the cord will pull up before they go splat but the thought is still there and the fear attached to it is too. In the moment I can lose myself and believe I am stupid or worthless but later I know it isn't true.

It turned me on because I desired it to be true so I could lose myself in that moment and feel it was true. During play with that person, I would often ask him if he really believed it. And he would say it with such conviction that in the moment I would often believe him. But deep down somewhere - I wasn't able to believe it was true (I knew I wasn't going to go splat) but I could feel some emotions that made it seem true in the moment. Of course later reality set in and I could say I am not stupid or worthless or whatever it was he told me before. But during the play I am soaking wet, twisting and writhing on the bed and ready to hear more.That to me is BDSM humiliation.

I then can think of another partner who uttered the same words to me, but it had different feelings attached to it. I did feel loss of dignity, reduced, strong embarrassment and worthlessness. I felt it. It was like looking into a mirror and I could see the truth because there was no hiding from it. He just had this way about him that when he called me worthless. I felt and saw it and there was going to be no pretending wit him. I struggled against it - trying to to tell myself it wasn't true. I would tell myself he is an asshole and I did't deserve this. I would turn way and deny it. But he would grab me and make me look again. He would force me to look at these things I have felt about myself even if was just for a moment. All those words whispered in the dark...all those things that are stuffed away in boxes inside - the ugliness inside you --- "this is who you are and you are fooling the rest of the world." But he saw it and didn't let me hide it.

So I struggled, cried, wanted to scream at him, and hit him - tell him he was lying but at the same time all of it was happening hearing his words pound through my head -- I was getting more and more turned on. It was real. 

Can I look back and say he really thought those things. I have no idea. But in the moment I believed it and felt it. And thinking about the many times we played with humiliation -- all of the feelings of being reduced and feeling the lowest of low come flooding back.

Like that man that said those things to me, Master has found that what works good is to use the things that go on inside my head against me. He tells me and shows me that I am the things that I believe deep inside, but try to deny out loud.

Humiliation play though has become trickier with Master.  I believe that is because of how I feel about him. When he does tell me I am dirty or that I am nothing, I believe it totally and completely. So it has created some complications in playing with humiliation because it can have some lasting affects that are negative to the dynamic and just my service in general. Sometimes he is okay with that other times he doesn't like it. 

Though we do still play with it and it still turns me on. Because humiliation play is one of those things that stays with me -- even when though I fight against it. Just to show how it can affect me - how long it can last....there was this time when we were still long distant. At the time I was still in the escorting business. So I was an actual whore. And Master and I were having phone sex. I can hear the whole conversation in my head like it happened 10 minutes ago.

He told me all the things I thought deep inside. I was always amazed I had clients, always amazed that I could turn men on, always amazed that they would pay money for me -- those are all things I thought deep inside, but on the outside could say "well of course they want me." I also had thoughts of I would never find a real relationship because I had been a whore - who would want to own me type thoughts. Because I would be "dirty" and not worth fucking because I was used so much. (side note: although I thought all those things inside I can still say I miss being a whore.)

As I said I can still remember the conversation with Master clearly and get turned on thinking of it. He had that sadistic sound in his voice. His voice gets this primal animistic sound to it as he told me all the things I thought privately. I had never uttered those things outloud to anyone and here he said them all to me. He confirmed it ALL. He made me feel worthless, dirty and small. He pointed out all the flaws I believed were reasons clients wouldn't want me or a Master wouldn't want me. He used the words that I had heard whispered deep inside. And I just felt the worthlessness wash over me. I had tears well up in my eyes. He told me I should be paying them to have sex with me. That I would be lucky to lick dog shit from their boots. I felt dirty and like a nothing. I remember having such a strong orgasm as tears streamed down my face because I was so upset.

Thinking about it right now - I feel that trembling inside - that voice inside saying no that isn't true and then that other little piece of me going "yes yes it is true"...and that feeling of smallness, shame and embarrassment washes over me. But I am tingling with sensations at the same time. Just thinking about a conversation that happened over 5 years ago can turn me on and make me feel all the feelings I felt in that moment.

And of course I never posted about it back then because I was humiliated. I am struggling with posting about it now because those feelings of humiliation are there up in my face.

Humiliation for me is what reaches deep inside and brings all of the whispers I say to myself late at night when no one can hear or see the truth. It's powerful, it's dark, it's showing me a mirror of truth in that moment. It's brings to the surface the silent confirmations. It reveals the flaws I see and feel. It isn't fun, but damn does it turn me on!

Quote: Reality

"What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print." -Isadora Duncan

Damn that is true. I mean how many times have I read others blogs and thought wow that would be impossible for me to handle or the opposite that would be fun and then they turned out differently when I experienced. How many times have I or other blog authors gotten comments about how insane or unsafe we are but the person commenting isn't even involved in BDSM or better yet they are and still tell us we are unsafe -- yet they never have experienced what is being described in print but yet of course we are unsafe and insane. We can't understand it until we experience it. And of course even then we aren't all the same so even though I love to be slapped doesn't mean every one does. Just thought the quote was interesting.

Sadomasochistic Desires Fulfilled

From an old journal entry from July 25, 2002 before I was Master's...

I was involved with someone that did not get BDSM and the sadomasochism side of things. He got them as a fantasy but he didn't really do BDSM. He did D/s, M/s and even some domestic discipline. But not SM play. When we were getting to know each other, he always expressed very sadistic fantasies so I assumed he did those things with his other slaves or at least wanted to do those things. But he thought of them as fantasies used to get turned on but not really something that he did (well at first - it did change - after I urged him to pursue it more - but it took quite a while.) So when I was first there I pushed my masochistic desires away. But of course they surfaced and soon...I begged him to slap me. But I still craved more. I wanted something to make me feel it in my core. Which might sound odd that someone could slap me but not flog me, tie me up or other typical BDSM play type things. But I knew him. I knew he had sadistic desires but they weren't typical BDSM play things. So I begged for things I knew he had fantasies about and desired so I could get my masochist desires fulfilled. And he enjoyed it. It sparked that sadistic side so that he wanted to try more typical BDSM type things.

I hate to say this, but I look back on my BDSM relationship and I have done that with most people I have been involved with - play partners to long term D/s - M/s relationships. I assess their limits. And then when it comes time to play and they ask what I desire I tell them things that will be possible for them and enjoyed by them hoping some of my desires get fulfilled. So I guess I manipulate the situation - not that I am getting what I want exactly but that I at least get something I desire - maybe touching my masochism a little. I think part of me doesn't want to express my true desires because I know I won't get them. It has happened so much that I just now go for something that they desire so I am not disappointed. No one ever gets near my limits so just easier to asses their limits and work from them.

I wish I could just find someone that has the same desires as me. To use me and abuse me. I wish that I wouldn't have to "suggest" only things they would desire just to be able to get some masochistic desires fulfilled. I wish I could let all the fantasies out. I wish I could experience SM like I once did....rough, dangerous and on the edge. I hope to feel that blackness envelope me again.

Love needed to submit?

Over on one of the FetLife groups there is the age old question: do you need love to submit.

I think way back to Don and I didn't love him. I felt devotion that was driven by lust from the idea of submission and SM. But I didn't love him and I didn't trust him. From the first moment with him I knew there was something I shouldn't trust about him but it didn't stop me from jumping in. I was enthralled with the feelings that he brought out in me. It wasn't love though.

Then with my ex-husband I introduced D/s to him and it freaked him. But love came before the D/s. Maybe love caused problems for him because he often said that because he loves me he shouldn't want to do the things he did to me.

Okay so then the relationships up to being Master's....

First one after my husband -- it was enthrallment as it was my first time pursuing D/s and SM fully after my marriage so it was that sub frenzy thing going on where I just wanted to experience it all. My cunt was guiding me to submit not love.

And really I have to say all my relationships since - the D/s and M/s has come before love has come into the relationship. My relationship right before Master wasn't about love at all. The man didn't even really care for me other then that I submit that is all that mattered to him. And it was a very pure form M/s for me. There wasn't love mixed in so there wasn't really emotions mixing up my submission. It made it easier for me to submit actually.

After MC, I met Master and I desired to be his property and serve him before we loved each other. I do love him and he loves me. And on top of that we were romantic types....we like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss. We like candlelight dinners and leaving each other little love notes. It was nice to be with someone who was romantic because I hadn't had romance in my life in a long time.

The over all thing I notice in my relationships (serious and and long term relationships) is that I submit before I love the person. I might care for them, I might feel lust for them but not love when I first submit. I think love, affection and emotional attachment grows over time. I think it is normal state that comes from the devotion and dedication I have as a slave serving. I would say I desire love for long term relationships but what I need more is the dynamic to be in place and feel my sense of devotion to being property and a slave before love enters the relationship.

Master and I wouldn't be in this relationship together if we didn't have the type of dynamic we do. If he or I wanted to stop the D/s and M/s, then we would most likely "break-up" despite loving each other. We need the dynamic that is how we work.

I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.