Humiliation

There is a thread on a FetLife group about humiliation. (BTW are you seeing a trend of posting by jumping off on topics there? - thank goodness huh?) Humiliation is one of those things that can make me so wet and leave me with thoughts of it ages and ages afterward.

I decided to look up the definition of humiliation. I use onelook.com because it gathers links to all the dictionaries with a definition for that word in one place. Interestingly enough it also linked to "Humiliation (BDSM)" on Wikipedia.

Definitions of humiliation taken from various dictionaries:

* to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : mortify

* to make someone feel ashamed or lose their respect for themselves:

* loss of dignity: the feeling or condition of being lessened in dignity or pride

* lessening of somebody's dignity: the act of damaging somebody's dignity or pride

* The state of being humiliated, humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.

* state of disgrace or loss of self-respect

* strong feelings of embarrassment

I can say that all of those have happened to me at one time or another in humiliation play. I don't think humiliation has to be a lasting affect. It can happen and just be felt during the play - the moment or for days after or longer. It was suggested on FetLife that most of us just play with a bdsm type of humiliation and not actual humiliation. I do believe there is a BDSM type humiliation. (I haven't had chance to look at the Wikipedia link to see what they say about BDSM humiliation yet.)

I have participated in what I would call BDSM type humiliation play. Someone I was with several years ago used to engage in humiliation play with me. He would call me dirty names, telling me I was worthless and stupid. And it turned me on. It was erotic. And I can even say I enjoyed it. But I can say that it didn't embarrass me or make me feel a loss of dignity, shame or reduced. It just was erotic. Master and I were discussing this the other day and he said it is like someone who bungee jumps. The fear is still there even though they know they are going to be okay. That the cord will pull up before they go splat but the thought is still there and the fear attached to it is too. In the moment I can lose myself and believe I am stupid or worthless but later I know it isn't true.

It turned me on because I desired it to be true so I could lose myself in that moment and feel it was true. During play with that person, I would often ask him if he really believed it. And he would say it with such conviction that in the moment I would often believe him. But deep down somewhere - I wasn't able to believe it was true (I knew I wasn't going to go splat) but I could feel some emotions that made it seem true in the moment. Of course later reality set in and I could say I am not stupid or worthless or whatever it was he told me before. But during the play I am soaking wet, twisting and writhing on the bed and ready to hear more.That to me is BDSM humiliation.

I then can think of another partner who uttered the same words to me, but it had different feelings attached to it. I did feel loss of dignity, reduced, strong embarrassment and worthlessness. I felt it. It was like looking into a mirror and I could see the truth because there was no hiding from it. He just had this way about him that when he called me worthless. I felt and saw it and there was going to be no pretending wit him. I struggled against it - trying to to tell myself it wasn't true. I would tell myself he is an asshole and I did't deserve this. I would turn way and deny it. But he would grab me and make me look again. He would force me to look at these things I have felt about myself even if was just for a moment. All those words whispered in the dark...all those things that are stuffed away in boxes inside - the ugliness inside you --- "this is who you are and you are fooling the rest of the world." But he saw it and didn't let me hide it.

So I struggled, cried, wanted to scream at him, and hit him - tell him he was lying but at the same time all of it was happening hearing his words pound through my head -- I was getting more and more turned on. It was real. 

Can I look back and say he really thought those things. I have no idea. But in the moment I believed it and felt it. And thinking about the many times we played with humiliation -- all of the feelings of being reduced and feeling the lowest of low come flooding back.

Like that man that said those things to me, Master has found that what works good is to use the things that go on inside my head against me. He tells me and shows me that I am the things that I believe deep inside, but try to deny out loud.

Humiliation play though has become trickier with Master.  I believe that is because of how I feel about him. When he does tell me I am dirty or that I am nothing, I believe it totally and completely. So it has created some complications in playing with humiliation because it can have some lasting affects that are negative to the dynamic and just my service in general. Sometimes he is okay with that other times he doesn't like it. 

Though we do still play with it and it still turns me on. Because humiliation play is one of those things that stays with me -- even when though I fight against it. Just to show how it can affect me - how long it can last....there was this time when we were still long distant. At the time I was still in the escorting business. So I was an actual whore. And Master and I were having phone sex. I can hear the whole conversation in my head like it happened 10 minutes ago.

He told me all the things I thought deep inside. I was always amazed I had clients, always amazed that I could turn men on, always amazed that they would pay money for me -- those are all things I thought deep inside, but on the outside could say "well of course they want me." I also had thoughts of I would never find a real relationship because I had been a whore - who would want to own me type thoughts. Because I would be "dirty" and not worth fucking because I was used so much. (side note: although I thought all those things inside I can still say I miss being a whore.)

As I said I can still remember the conversation with Master clearly and get turned on thinking of it. He had that sadistic sound in his voice. His voice gets this primal animistic sound to it as he told me all the things I thought privately. I had never uttered those things outloud to anyone and here he said them all to me. He confirmed it ALL. He made me feel worthless, dirty and small. He pointed out all the flaws I believed were reasons clients wouldn't want me or a Master wouldn't want me. He used the words that I had heard whispered deep inside. And I just felt the worthlessness wash over me. I had tears well up in my eyes. He told me I should be paying them to have sex with me. That I would be lucky to lick dog shit from their boots. I felt dirty and like a nothing. I remember having such a strong orgasm as tears streamed down my face because I was so upset.

Thinking about it right now - I feel that trembling inside - that voice inside saying no that isn't true and then that other little piece of me going "yes yes it is true"...and that feeling of smallness, shame and embarrassment washes over me. But I am tingling with sensations at the same time. Just thinking about a conversation that happened over 5 years ago can turn me on and make me feel all the feelings I felt in that moment.

And of course I never posted about it back then because I was humiliated. I am struggling with posting about it now because those feelings of humiliation are there up in my face.

Humiliation for me is what reaches deep inside and brings all of the whispers I say to myself late at night when no one can hear or see the truth. It's powerful, it's dark, it's showing me a mirror of truth in that moment. It's brings to the surface the silent confirmations. It reveals the flaws I see and feel. It isn't fun, but damn does it turn me on!