Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.

So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him.  With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again.  Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it. 

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch,  and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.


Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Follow Up

I had some questions from the last post. So I am answering them here....

Did you have aftercare? Did he follow up with you at all to make sure you were ok?

I am not big on aftercare - at anytime (for me of course I am not saying in general with everyone - just saying I don't desire aftercare - even with Master.) If he would have given me aftercare, it would have ruined the experience for me also. Him basically kicking me out and being done with me - that made me hot.

The first few times we played he didn't check on me. But then he started calling me more often as we developed a relationship. Often it was right after play and several times during the days after. The time I describe in that post, he had me call him as soon as I was home. He called me before I went to bed that night and also the next day. He often said cruel and humiliating things during those conversation on the phone  - it really was a good mind-fuck for me. I can see now looking back he was checking on me with those calls. But just because he was checking on me didn't change how we interacted with each other because that was our dynamic. 

How does the experience seem a few days after it is over, when you look back and remember it? If it makes you feel good, and want more of it, then it probably WAS good. If it doesn't, then it wasn't.

A few days after, I felt good and couldn't wait to see him again. I had a drop from the endorphins so I got weepy and felt extremely tired. But I felt good about the experience - no regrets. Now when I look at it, I wish I would have played with him more often then I did. 

Out of all my times with him, only one time did it feel really bad during and after. Not only did I feel bad, but I felt angry and annoyed, but at myself. It was my own fault for putting myself in the situation I did. I knew it what going to happen so I shouldn't have went to him when he asked. He didn't change who he was and he didn't do anything he didn't say he was going to - It was me that wasn't being realistic. 

You report this dream, but you don't assess the experience here. It made you hot, but you also seemed to be deeply emotionally hurt by it. How do you feel about it now, as you look back? Are you really sure?

During it, I hurt. I was emotionally, mentally and physically a mess. Sometimes crying hysterically where snot was dripping because I was crying so hard. There were often times during it, I didn't think I was going to make it out on the other side okay. I thought he is going to break me to the point of not being fixable. I hated him - all the while he did the things he did to me. And at the same time, I was wet and turned on. And a piece inside of me screaming "yes yes yes...keep pushing....keep hurting me. Thank you thank you!" 

Each time we played it was like this. I felt I was going to be beyond repair and each time I walked way turned on and had orgasm upon orgasm thinking about our time together.

As I stated above, now I look back on it and wish I would have been with him more. I wonder where it would have went. I wonder if I could have done all the things he wanted to do. 

Your question of are you really sure....I understand and I am going to I think get into it more below. I really craved a man to take me to the darkness so we were compatible in our desires. We pushed things to points where some would say it was unhealthy. But it worked for us. I am not sure it would have worked long term for us though. I am not sure I wouldn't have broke or was maybe breaking a little each time. I can't say for sure though. 

Why did your relationship end?

Our relationship started out just as play. We met, we played hard and then left each other to go about our lives not knowing a lot about each others lives. Then it hit a point where - he asked me to coffee. And from there we started doing other things besides playing. We went to lunch, shopping, movies, on walks and all the time talking and getting to know each other. He still treated me as me. He would slap me when we were alone and call me names and then go have lunch. We still played and played just as hard. But we were getting to know each other more fully as people. He knew I wanted to be in 24/7 M/s relationship. Eventually I decided it was time to ask him where he saw our relationship going. He was happy with how things were and didn't want to have more at least at that time or if ever. There was no promise or time-line for anything more - ever. I was getting too invested so I decided we had to stop as I needed to pursue a long term relationship as that is really what I had been wanting since the first day of actively entering the lifestyle. I also had other concerns, one of which I will address below in another question. He understood and let me go. 

I know that you only played with this person occasionally but do you think you could have maintained that kind of relationship 24/7?

He and I often discussed that living the way we played. What would be the long term effects. We played the speculation game quite a lot, but didn't of course have any definitive answers. I will say something that I think the Sir that asked the "are you sure" question was getting at....and that is I started to get too scared. He and I talked about that a lot. He saw it developing. I would get scared about walking into the house. Once there in the play - fear was still there, but it changed. The fear before I walked into the door - didn't turn me on really. The fear after I walked in the door and we started playing - turned me on. What was the difference? The moment. Once in the moment I could only live in that moment with him so I didn't panic myself with the million what-ifs as I did outside the door. My focus couldn't go outside the moment during the play. Before walking in - I let myself get in a panic and often let myself get so ramped up and overwhelmed with it.

I also will say that the fear started after we started having a relationship outside of play. I often wonder if it was my feelings for him and his interaction with me during our non-play that messed with my mind. I wasn't just his it - I became more then that? I am speculating. I don't know for sure.

I am sure some will now read this last answer and go - ah ha see it was a bad experience. They might think I shouldn't have played like that. But I want to again stress...I would do it all over again. I think of it often and wish I would have been with him longer. I really truly mean it. My time with him turned me on. Dripping wet....often soaking whatever I was sitting on because he turned me on so much. So just because there was some developments that weren't great side-effects doesn't mean I wouldn't want it. I wanted it. I want it. And I am wet thinking about even now. 

Do you play like that with your Master?

Master and I play hard, but it never feels like it did then. Because Master and I have a different dynamic and that dynamic connects in a way that I don't feel would ever make even the exact same play feel like it did then. For me that isn't a bad thing. One isn't better then the other. They are just different than each other. I am glad to have experienced both. I am glad to keep on exploring with Master. Because he is a sadist and we do play hard and he does have a sadistic beast that likes to use me in ways that touch on similar elements with the sadist in that post.

Crawling on my Belly

I woke up this morning from a dream. But it was a dream that actually happened to me in real life many many years ago. I remembered I wrote about it so dug it out....this is from November 2002....

My hands were still shaking when you said you were done with me. You just got done fucking me in the ass, got up and went to the bathroom like I wasn't even there. When you came back, you said, "Get dressed. I am done with you." Just like I was property. Like I was a toaster and you had toasted your bread so were done with the toaster. Except I am human so you had to tell me you were done with me instead of putting me away. You used me and were done with me.

The box spring and mattress were on the floor where I sat on the edge fumbling to get my stocking and garter belt straight. You had me leave them on during our time and they were twisted. My fingers would almost get tangled into the stockings because I was shaking. The fear and violence of what had just happened to me still hung on to me since it was just moments ago that you were just punching me, spitting on me and calling me names. Brutally taking my ass and all the while making fun of me because I was so wet that you could smell me in the room.

I pulled my blouse on and start to button it. I missed a button and you laugh at me and tell me how stupid I am that I can't even button my shirt. You come to stand in front of me. You pull my hair so I am looking up at you. "You know you are a worthless stupid cunt, d...," He says. He added my name to the end. My real name. He knows how to get to me. Putting my name with the insult - making sure I hear it and know it was me he was talking to. Hearing it brings tears to my eyes. He release my hair, laughs and walks away. He tells me to hurry that I am being too slow. I finish getting dressed and am standing - not sure where to look or what to do. If someone would have asked me to count to 10 - I am not sure I could have - I was still so shaken.

"On your knees." He yells at me. I fall to my knees before he barely had finished it. He tells me I will crawl to the door. That I am more lowly then an animal that walks on four legs. He tells me to crawl low so that my fat belly hits the floor. I follow him to the door almost dragging my body along the floor knowing my skirt and blouse are getting dirty with the dust on the floor. But I don't care as my mind and body just obey him. We stop next to the door. He kicks my side and makes me lay down on the floor. He keeps on kicking me. I don't move and just take it. I have my body and face pressed to the floor. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He brings his foot to my face and presses the bottom of his shoe into my face. He tells me that he walked the dog the other day and walked through dog shit. He tells me I am a worthless piece of shit and so I should have dog shit rubbed into my face. He goes on to tell me that maybe he should have me rub dog shit all over my body so that when I walk down the street people would smell me and know I am a worthless piece of shit. He is still grinding his foot into my face as he goes on and on how I am a worthless piece of shit. He releases my face and has me tell him that I am a worthless piece of shit over and over again. And then he says, "You may get up and leave you worthless piece of shit."

I walk out the door and down the steps to my car. My legs are shaking. The tears are barely being held in. And still I feel the throbbing between my legs. I want an orgasm so badly. He doesn't give me those but allows me to masturbate as much as I want. It will take me an hour to get to home. I drive for a bit but I can't wait to jerk off. I pulled over into a park that I know that has some secluded parking areas. I pulled my pocket rocket from my bag (I am like a boyscout always be prepared) and masturbate there in the car. I replay every moment of the day in my head. I come so hard that I thought I might have squirted on myself. But I didn't. I was just very wet from all my time with him and replaying it all that my thighs are stickily soaked.

He hurt me - with violence physical, emotional and mental. Breaking me down. He gets inside and turns the truth out to me. It wasn't nice and pretty. It wasn't normal SM play with floggers, whips and chains. He didn't use bondage. He forces me to make the choice of standing there and taking it. But in my mind it is like there is no choice. Some part of me obeys and wants to obey to every things he does to me no matter how much it hurts, how humiliating and degrading it is - I would crawl to him on my belly willingly knowing he will spit on me and tell me I am a stupid worthless piece of shit. And I will come back for more. Again and again. Turned on with anticipation.

Degrade Me

Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.

So here it is from August 16, 2002...

I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.

Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.

I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.

I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.

Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.



***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.

Words....Part 2

Princess - Princess is very much part of my little girl side. I like the things that associated with being a princess - shiny, tiaras, pretty pink, twirly skirts and glitter. And I just like Princesses...especially Belle from Beauty in the Beast. And Master indulges my princess side quite a lot. And I am very thankful he allows me to his princess. "I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us." ~ The Little Princess

Laughter - "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~e.e. cummings
This is going to be kind of random...
* Master makes me laugh daily. He is very funny so makes me laugh quite a bit. And I am thankful for that laughter in our relationship.

* The other night I was reading book 9 of the Stephanie Plum series and I started to laugh so hard that I woke up Master. But I couldn't stop laughing the scene I was reading was so funny that I was shaking the bed. Master threatened to take the book away from me. For those curious of the scene it is Lula on her all meat diet and she is being chased by the dogs.

* I smiled with this word because I associate laughter with the person that gave me these words. Because when her and I talk we laugh often. And I am very thankful for her friendship and that she makes me laugh!

Hearth - "The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest." ~ Thomas Moore

Hearth the symbol for home life. But for me also now a symbol of domestic service. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a big city girl living her dream of being an artist. Not married. Hearth and home weren't parts of my growing up dream. When I got married, then that nesting instinct kicked in for me. But it is Master who has really allowed me to explore my love of all things Hearth and Home. When I became Master's, he really liked the idea of having me at home. I was worried it wouldn't be satisfying. But really it was from the start. I could see how much Master enjoyed it and so for me it became even more of a draw. Being of domestic service to me is not just about keeping the house clean, it is also about creating a haven for for Master. It is my hope that his home is a place to retreat and rest from the pressures of the hectic outside world.

Mouse - "Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light." ~ Dorothy Thompson

Mouse equals fear for me. I don't like to see mice in movies, commercials, photos....I don't like rubber mice...or cat toys that look like mice....the thought of mice....writing about them as I am....will make me jumpy the rest of the day and possible nightmares. That is how scared of mice I am.

When I was just a little girl of 2 or 3, we lived in a house that had mice, mice mice every where. Yes I know it is odd that I remember something from that little - I think because it was so scary to me that it stuck. It was rental house as my dad was transferred quite a bit those first years of working with the company he works with even to this day. The house had a dirt cellar. One that could be accessed from the inside of the house but also from outside cellar doors. Our house backed fields...thus we had lots of field mice in our house. When we would play on the floor, the mice would be running around the edges of the living room. When my Mom would open cupboards, they would sitting there. When I slept, they at times ran over me. When I opened my drawers, they jumped out at me.

So I am very scared of them...even after all these years. Logic doesn't seem to play into it - I am bigger them....yeah that is true but even as typing this and thinking of them I shivered. It doesn't matter that I am bigger then them. It doesn't matter that they are probably "more" scared of me then I am of them (I doubt that they are though). I know they are teeny tiny. I don't like them. I am scared of them. It is irrational that I still have this fear after all these years.

Here is my account of when we had mice and then Master's which is funnier. And reading both and retelling the story I can laugh about it but believe me - last night when we came home and Caesar was acting weird - I came running to Master to protect me. (No mouse not sure why he was acting weird.)

Muse - “The muse ushers the artist into the empty room and points silently at the tightrope.” - Jean Cocteau

My muse for my art sometimes feels like that....especially after not creating in a while and getting back into it. It is like I am going to have to walk a tightrope. It feels scary and almost too scary to try again. I walk to it and look down seeing all the things that can go wrong or are wrong. I see all the fears - hearing that voice inside that says..."why even bother it isn't good anyway"...."how can you call yourself an artist - you are lying to everyone and especially yourself." I wish I could accept my muse as is and not allow the voices to over shadow it.

I don't feel that the muse only comes to me with art. But also I feel it in other areas of my life. Mostly in domestic service...or just service in general. I don't always act on it though and that bothers me. But again it goes to that tightrope thing. I get scared I am going to fail. Or that how can I call myself a service slave and so on.

Freedom in Fear

Not a blogger entry but a journal entry from July 6th, 2002....

My skin is prickly right now. I like this feeling but hate it if it goes on too long. I feel the need for a release. A release that masturbating isn't really giving me. I have masturbated 3 times in the last 12 hours.

The thoughts that go through my head at times I want to shake away and pretend they aren't there. They are not mine. I don't get turned on by them but as I write this right now I feel the wetness between my thighs. I am turned on...but do I really want them if they tear through my brain? And the common feeling...theme with them...is fear. It all comes down to fear. So maybe it is not the things I want to do but the fear....it is the fear I crave. They are the dark secrets that keep playing over and over. I feel that need come to the surface flesh and I fight it...and feel the fight against it and the craving of it all so an energy prickles across my skin. I feel I am drowning in it...or I want to drown in the fear.

I have experienced most of the fear that plays through my mind but it always get turned up. More, deeper, further...into the fear. I wonder if I keep experiencing these things...that I won't fear them. That they will become muted and not turn me on?

When I lay here and think of the fear....it gives me freedom. It is a release from pretending....I don't need to pretend anymore. I can just go into it and scream, fight, let my mind just drown in it. It is a freedom for me. And it is freedom I wish I could experience to the depths that I desire.

Hoods

Okay this is going to be a rare rare occasion of a post...photos...of me but with the subject matter I am sure you can see why.

padme is a lucky girl! She got a hood for her anniversary with her Master. So we were kind of discussing them and she asked me what kind of hoods Master has for me. It is a fetish of Master's that we keep expanding on and I am happy to go along with as they have become a favorite of mine as well.

Once upon a time I didn't think hoods would be something I would ever like. But as I said it is a fetish of Master's so it wasn't an option -- I was going to like them. And he did a GREAT job in training me to like them! But again it was something I never thought I would like. I actually had a good amount of fear attached to them. I was very panicked by the thought of having something covering my head and face. So he had some work to do to get me over that because he wanted me to enjoy them like he does.

So the first hood Master started me out in this black rubber latex open faced hood. I am allergic to latex but at that time I didn't know/get that. That hood is a bitch to get on. But it was a great starter hood to get me used to things being *over* my head but not covering my face. It created kind of a suction though with the ears so if you have ear problems be aware of that.

Master got me used to the hood by just laying on the bed not doing anything with me sexually or even that involved SM. Just lying on the bed wearing the hood...snuggling and talking. And then he would take to where he played with me sexually but nothing else was involved. And then maybe a little SM involved. Each time stepped up a little bit. And then we moved on to the next hood.

The next hood was this hood that was a simple black cotton hood with an open mouth. I haven't found one like it on the web. It really was great for taking the next step in hoods because it was a thin enough cotton I could see out of so it wasn't totally encased in blackness from the get go. I also could breath which was another fear of the hood even though I love breath play - go figure.

And again he trained me with this hood just like that last. And by the time he was done....I was dreaming and lusting after hoods. I ended up going to Master one night and begging him for it. And he smiled. He was so happy that he had turned me on to his fetish. But I still was scared of the next step in hoods but having my head covered with just the mouth hole made me think about the next step and get wet even with my fear still lurking around.

The next hood I can't find anything like it on the web either. Basically it was 2 pieces of leather sewn together leaving the back with laces and then the other seam going down the middle of my face. There are 2 little slits for nose holes. So basically total encasement of my face/head. It took me a while to get used to that so in the mean time Master did get to other hoods. (this is close but the one we have isn't as form fitting more bag like.) I panicked with this hood quite a bit but finally it became a favorite as well...the smell of leather helped me also because it was just so intoxicating.

One like this in black though was another hood that Master has for me. It is black spandex with a padded blindfold in it. I could breath through it very nicely even though it is total encasement of my head too.

The other he bought was this one that I still don't like. And when it is used...it needs blindfold. This one makes me feel like a bankrobber instead of hood slut. It is made out of dacron spandex which almost feels like a scuba dive suit. It is that thick and heavy.

One of my favorites even though I can see out of it...it is different then the above. I like the shape of the hood - the one we have is from CJ's Leather but they don't have a picture of it on the website. It is similar to this one but the one we have has thick solid leather over the seams and an open mouth. It is very form fitting. This picture just doesn't do the one we have justice. Ours is the perforated leather but seems more heavy duty then the one pictured.

The last hood we got was this hood basic gag hood. It fits really snug. Master loves it because it is shiny like latex yet it is not latex so doesn't bother my allergy. And of course it leaves the mouth available for other uses.

The open mouth hoods of course can be used to with a gag so that adds another another level of sensory deprivation to the hood. Master has a head harness for me that works good over many of the hoods we have. And then added in a blindfold over the ones that I can see out of it and then cutting off my sight too. It took time to get to that level again for me as I did get very panicked. But now I love the feelings hoods give me.

The hoods make me very fuzzy. Master puts them on me and I start to just get fuzzy. They block out everything and let everything slow down....turn off and the world melts away and the only thing that matters is whatever is going on in that moment...whatever Master is doing to me or having me do. I do feel fear and panic at times with them...but usually it still is a very fuzzy far away feeling...like I am far away. I know I am not explaining it right but I am sure it also is different for each person too.

Oh I also put our gasmask in a hood category. It is something I want Master to take a picture of me in sometime. It sends me actually into a fuzzy head space faster then the hoods do.

I do think about a more intensive hood and I am sure again it will be something that will scare me but eventually I will come to beg for....if we go there and I know we might do that someday as Master does like hoods...thank goodness! Some umm dream hoods: Full hood like the basic gag hood above but full hood, I really like this one but we would never be able to get it because of the latex, and again something like this in leather would be nice, this one is close to another leather one I had in mind but I can't find it at the moment so this will do.

Kindlings: Part 2 of 4

Continued from....Kindlings post...

6. Do you want to get past your phobias, or accept them and work around your fears?
I want to work past the fear of mice but I am not quite sure how. I actually thought I was making progress as I used jump just looking at our cat's toy mice, but then that got better. I was not able to look at them even on TV once upon a time, but then got to the point where I could look and not have nightmares even if I did not still like looking at them. Then the mice invaded and all that was wiped out in one flat second so obviously I was not working past it when I thought I was doing well. I am still have some residual affects of it all -- silly I know but honest.

Some others fears -- bdsm fears like the hood I got over.

My feet being touched is still a hard one. Tickling can't do either. But I really don't want to work around those.

7. How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?
Talking, expressing emotions, and at times raising my voice not a trait that I like though. And sometimes I just work through it without communicating it outloud to anyone as it is an internal process.

8. How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
calmly clearly without accusations or passive/aggressive behavior

9. Do you ever feel 'pet'like?
Yes, taking this as I feel like pet like and am at times am treated like a pet. I also feel like a puppy sometimes which to me is different then feeling pet like at times.

10. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
In general, I have always liked dogs better until living with Master and His cats. They are now my babies. Jim and I had a dog that was my baby....which is a story I actually have started in another blog draft entry. So that will wait.

In a BDSM sense, I have always been a puppy.

Update about the Real Mouse (Mice)

Okay an update on the Mouse situation....

Two mice have been caught. Master had a few traps with peanut butter and cheese set up where He thought their path seemed to be and it obviously is working. The first one was caught on Friday evening and the next was Friday during the night sometime. We still have them up, but so far nothing more...so I am hoping that was it. I have not slept well for both nights even though I know it is highly unlikely they could get onto our tall tall bed I am having nightmares about mice. I have been really tentative when going into the kitchen still. Master has been great! Protecting me from the mice! He has stayed close by while I am in the kitchen. Tonight was the first night all weekend He was in the office for a bit while I was cooking dinner. Master and I talked in bed this morning on how it will probably be a very long time before I get in the cage, get locked in the closet, or even just sit on the floor.

When I wrote about my mouse experience, I asked Master if He would do a "He says" account of the situation. I also requested that He make it funny because I felt if I did not laugh about it some - I would be even more freaked out about the mouse. I do feel I would not even be going to near the kitchen still if I had not laughed about it some with Him after I read His version.

It is a fear and even though is an irrational fear as I am much much bigger then the little mouse, I can't seem to shake it. Thank you everyone who commented on being so understanding about that fear. I am glad to know I am not alone in that kind of fear.

So just as I am typing this...being slightly brave because I don't have slippers on (first time this weekend my feet have been bare), Master stretches and His foot brushes up against mine. And of course I jump out of my seat. I gasped and felt my heart jump. So see my irrational paranoia is still very alive. Not a good thing!

Master is going to keep the traps up a few more days before seeing where they are getting in. We think there is an entry maybe under the sink somewhere. That is where that traps were set in the cabinets under the sink. There are pretty good size holes (around the pipes) that go down from the flooring in the cabinet down through the actual floor. There is space between the flooring in the cabinet and the actual floor and He thinks that is where they were living. Or were living as I can't stand the thought of more. So it will be quite the project pulling up the flooring in the cabinets and searching out how they got in...in the first place.

So tomorrow, I think I will still be very cautious since I will be alone. My day got interrupted on Friday so I did not get to taking the tree down so that will be my project tomorrow.

Real Mouse Real Mouse

Okay....so some background first...

When I was little 3 and 4 years old, my family lived in an old house that was kind of on outskirts of the town. It was a farm house before the area started building up out there. It had a dirt basement and was filled with mice. We had a lot of them throughout the house.

Anyway, as I child I had mice run over me while I was sleeping, playing and even when I would open my dresser drawers they would even jump right out at me. SO - because of that I am deathly afraid of them. I mean deathly.

We have 2 cats so really I never worried about it here, but felt since where we live that chances of mice is probable because we are out next to some fields. Well my carefreeness because of the cats, has been thrown out the window today.

Right before we left for vacation our little girl cat became obsessed with a few points in the kitchen especially in front of the stove/oven. She would sit,look, sniff and try to get under it for hours. Well, I did not think much about it as she has gotten lots of toys under there before. But the thing is now that I think about it she never has been this obsessed about it when a toy got under there. So that should have been my first clue.

So we get back from vacation and the cats immediately act weird in the bedroom. Such as stalking or hunting but there was nothing (as in toys) in there to stalk or hunt at the moment. I just thought they lost a toys somewhere that I had not seen in there.

The last few days it has been near the fridge and especially the pantry door. I would open the pantry door and both cats would be right inside sniffing around. And our girl cat even climbed on things on the pantry floor. (We store cases of diet coke, toilet paper, packages of bottled water, mulit-packs of kleenex). Our cats never climb on things in there. It is like they know that is not something they should do. But every time I have opened the door the last few days they are there climbing and nosing at things. So today they were acting weird around the door again - being obsessed about it. I busy cleaning and I said okay go for it. I opened the door and I went to clean the bedroom. I can see the pantry from the bedroom so I heard them both in there. And girl cat was meowing. I went and moved something she was pawing at...I set it in the kitchen and went back to the bedroom. It left little room for the hiding mouse. I heard the little girl really scrambling and I turn around to tell them okay that is enough. I step into the kitchen and that is when I see it...running from the pantry into the kitchen..heading towards the stove.

I SCREAM! I keep screaming! And I scare our boy cat. His tail got huge. And he was freaked from me screaming - not from the mouse. I jumped on the bed grabbed the phone and called Master. The boy cat went to look but then came back to look at me still pretty much screaming and now crying which freaked him out more. Yes, I know it is a little mouse.

Master had only been at work maybe 40 minutes if that.

I punch in His extention. He answers and all I can do is cry out, "REAL MOUSE REAL MOUSE!" I am not sure how many times I said it but I know it was at least two.

He says, "okay honey take a deep breath calm down."

I said, "real mouse real mouse," quieter this time.

He said, "where is it?"

I said, "in the kitchen I think under the stove."

He said, "What did the cats do?"

I told him that I scared our boy cat and that the girl cat did not get that the mouse was not in the pantry anymore so she was in there still.

He said, "Okay I am on my way home."

I know He was ready to try to reason with me but I was crying and sobbing...and well frankly out of control. But He tried just a little.

He said, "you do know that you probably scared the mouse?"

I cried, "yes." But I kept on crying.

His co-workers know that I have a fear of them as they have them at the office and I have seen one there. I did not freak out like I did at home, but I got a little shaken there. So he went to tell the office manager and then his immediate boss that his girl was crying and screaming and scared because she saw a mouse in the house. A REAL mouse.

When I moved in with Master, I took all the cat toys that looked like real mice and put them in a box. Because even the fake mice that looked like real ones scared me. Now all the cat toys that are mouse shaped are in bright colors - hot pink, lime green, purple and orange.

So I stayed on the bed holding the phone until Master came home. He was laughing, but at the same time very understanding of my irrational over the top fear.

He moved things and tried to find the mouse, but He couldn't. But He did discover where it is probably living or the path that it keeps to...so He went and got some traps and put them in places along the path. It is my hope we get it soon and then we can look for how it got in - in the first place.

Also when He got home I had not taken my shower yet but was scared to go in there. He had to scope things out for me before I went to take my shower. He then got my slippers checked to make sure mice were not in them. I knew I needed to have my feet covered as I would totally freak out if the mouse ran over my bare feet. So I have been in my slippers all day.

While getting dressed I said to Master good think we were not doing the isolation plans He had intended...locking me in the closet. I can just imagine what would happen if I had a mouse run over me naked and hooded while sitting or lying on the closet floor. Shivering just with that thought.

The whole day when I have had to move towards the kitchen I would make LOTS Of noise so that it would stay hidden from me. I am hoping that it is not as smart of mouse as it seems...it stole the cheese out of one of the traps without setting it off.

I know it is stupid that I have this fear all these years later but I hope that the little story might give someone a good laugh. I know it gave Master and his co-workers had a laugh.

Master's much funnier version A Mouse Story.

I am very thankful for having a wonderfully understanding and protective Master. (He protected me from the mouse.:)

Busy

So, this week has been very hectic. Master has been beyond busy and my job has been trying to make everything go smoother for Him.

I don’t even remember what we did as all the days are smushed together. Thursday afternoon though I went with Master to work. We ran errands for His work. And then I helped them get ready for this big meeting. It was nice to chat with His co-workers. Two bad things – I started getting a migraine (but kept on working) and I saw a mouse (BIG fear of MICE – BIG!). We left about 10pmish, but got several projects done.

Then Friday Master woke up to emails wanting more changes to the major project He had been doing and thought was done. He had about 10 projects that people wanted Him to help with…as He is the tech guy that can make things pull together with style. As the tech part kind of stumps a lot of people in His office. So He had several projects but one project was IT. It was the thing He was enjoying the most even with the headache of it. It was producing a video. And it turned out GREAT! And I am very proud of Him. He did an amazing job! I found out today that His big big boss thought it was incredible.

Master left this morning for the conference and will be back Tuesday. He already had a busy day but He sounded totally pumped after His boss’s comments and others after seeing it today.

I actually went back to bed for a bit after He left as I am exhausted too. I know He is too. After I got up, I did some cleaning that did not get done this week with helping Master. I then did some cooking. We had more tomatoes left this week with all our running around we did not eat dinner at home much this week. So, I decided to make some sauce and freeze it. It was the first time I made homemade sauce…it seemed like it turned out.

I then spent the afternoon watching TV. Do you know how long it has been since I have just sat in front of a TV without doing something? I mean even when I watch TV I am usually doing something – folding laundry, getting bills ready for Master, filing, clipping coupons, and so on. But today I just vegged in front of the TV. I watched a strange assortment of movies…On A Clear Day You Can See Forever with Barbra Streisand (which truthfully I had on while making the sauce it was not until the next one that I sat down and vegged), Somewhere In Time with Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour, and then Mannequin with Andrew McCarty and Kim Cattrall. So, you can see it was literally vegging in front of the TV as it was not anything that involved thinking!

My Dad is irritating me…I have been getting political emails from Him. Tonight was about praying for Bush. He knows I will not be voting for Bush, so why does he feel the need to annoy me so! I started an email to him, but I want Master to read it before I send it.

Tomorrow I want to clean the office while Master is not in it…as He has been in it a lot lately. It needs some serious cleaning. I have a few other projects to do while He is gone. And emails…I still am not caught up on my emails.

Well I am going to veg some more before going to bed.

Used and Abused

This entry is something that I experienced in my real life. It is in the past before I became Master’s property.

It is one of the many vivid dreams from late, but again it was a real life encounter and extreme.

It contains slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, electricity and more.



We chit chatted over coffee (yes I drank a coffee although I hate it). It was a stiff conversation, but familiar to me. He always made me a little nervous, as I knew what would be coming after coffee.

Pain. Torture. Suffering.

He went to his house....I climbed the stairs to the room that would be the place of my pain, suffering and fear.

He had me take my clothes off. That pit of terror grew in my stomach. I knew I would suffer. It would not be pain that a masochist enjoys. It would not be pain a painslut enjoys. It would be suffering. It would be abuse, use and pushed to the edge.

He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor...

He kicked me...each kick powerful enough to move my body along the floor. He grabbed me by my hair pulling me to my feet and backhanded me. Not as slap....I was backhanded so hard that I fell into a cabinet behind me. I felt the corner of the cabinet stab into me. I knew it would leave the only bruise that was not from him. He slapped me over and over. He spewed words of humiliation...words flooding me…so that my mind was screaming at me and the layers were breaking away to leave me exposed. His words that told me I was nothing. He words were breaking me down.

Tears started welling up from the force of each blow. My mind screamed run. My mind screamed no. My mind screamed of all the things that say you are in danger. Fear was flooding through me. But I stayed.

He knew all the things going on in my little brain. He said, “scream...try to run....you can't get away. You know it will just get worse when I catch you, you piece of shit.”

He pushed me to the floor. Kicking me to herd me where he wanted me. I crawled to the mattress on the floor. He shouted commands. I did one and the next would come. "Kneel on it - hands behind head - don't move.”

I heard it before I felt it...the whistle of the whip.

The long tail striking at my skin repeatedly. Digging into my flesh. Slicing into my flesh. Marking my flesh with slashes, welts and blood.

The pain from all the previous abuse mixed with the whip put me in  a place where I couldn't process. I moved. Before I knew it, my head was being yanked back by my hair and his arm was around my neck....cutting off my air.

“You are a worthless cunt who can't even stay still for a little whip. This is light compared to what I will be doing to you.”

He let go and started punching me like I was a punching bags. The tears flowed....I could not stop them. They were not just tears – I was crying hard. There were words coming from me that I was not even aware that were coming out of my mouth…I was begging him to stop. He laughed.

He told me what a waste I was....I was meat to be abused. I was meat to suffer for him. He slapped me. He hit me with his fists. I shrunk away and he laughed at me. But he kept on. It seemed like I was going to break apart with each blow to my body. I am not sure how long it went on, but he kept up with verbally abusing me reminding me I was a worthless piece of shit for him to abuse.

Finally he said, "beg for it." He told me to spread my legs open wide and beg him to kick my "stretched out whore cunt." I shook my head no. He hit me harder. I got down, spread my legs, and begged him to kick my cunt....

The pain shot through my cunt and up through my body. I screamed and more tears came. He told me to get on my hands and knees. He told me my cunt showed him how much I needed to be abused. I was so wet it was dripping down my legs. He had me push my head to the mattress, thrust my ass up and open legs wide. I heard him behind me. I thought he was going to kick me. Afterwards that is what I would beg for instead of what he did....I would have given anything for him to have just kicked me again. But instead it hit me...

The pain was not like any I had ever felt before. It sent me flying forward and screaming. Electricity zapped my wet cunt. I cried, I tried to turn around to see what he was doing to me, but he yelled at me to get in position again. I knew turning around would send me running for the door - naked, batter, bruised, and abused. I stayed laying on the floor begged, “no please please.” He laughed and again told me to get in position. I slowly backed my way into position. My brain was screaming run away, but I knew he would catch me.  So I got in to position and it came again. I cried harder because it hurt so much. So much pain. I was scared and suffering from the sadism he was inflicting. My brain kicks in wondering why is this happening to me. Why was allowing this man to do this to me. I was feeling pain so intense. Pain to a level I have never felt before. I didn't know what to do or how process it so I just submitted to him.

He flips me over, holds my head back so I can't see...he presses it to my stomach. The pain is bad, but not like my wet cunt. He does it a few more time and not happy that it is not making me suffer as much. He then tells me he is going to be nice and give me a choice. I can do 2 more zaps plus 3 kicks or I can do 5 zaps. I will have to beg and ask for each one.

I beg to stop please. He tells me no. He proceeds to tell that today was light and that I got off easy. I look at him. I see his enjoyment in his eyes. He likes that I am suffering and I also see in his eyes that today was light. I am thankful and so grateful to him in that moment. I shake my head yes....in agreement. I thank him for being light. The words in my brain are screaming between submitting to anything he wants and running.

I pick the zaps and kicks. I just am not sure I can take the zaps again. I feel light headed from the pain. My body aches deep pain. I beg for the shock. It hits. I start to cry hard again. The kind of crying makes you want to curl up and just keep crying. I am crying and screaming from the pain of the shock. He tells me to get back in position as it makes me jerk forward and curl up again. I beg for the next shock. I do the same thing again for a moment before getting in position for the kicks. I beg to be kicked. First one hits my already bruised flesh. I beg for the second, "Sir, please kick my cunt." It comes harder then the last. I scream and automatically bring my legs together in pain. He laughs at me and say something about me always opening my legs to him because my cunt needs the abuse. I open them and beg for the third. “please kick my cunt.” The third knocking forward and collapsing into the bed. I lay crying huddled in a fetal position.

He come and pushes me up....on my knees again so that my ass is in the air. He sticks his fingers in my cunt and then into my ass. And then I feel his hard cock outside of my anus. I try to move forward. I am in such pain. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel my ass being stretched. He yanks me back and pushes in fast.I scream and try to move forward and he grabs my hair with one hand and other hand firmly on one hip - fingers digging in with each thrust. I cry...more tears...more pain.  He fucks my ass. He cums, pulls out, and peels the condom off. He tells me to get dressed. I hear him, but everything feels like it is slow motion. I have problems getting my clothes on. He is doing things around the room. I start to cry more. He laughs at me.Tells me to finish dressing. Telling me I am a piece of shit. He kicks me to hurry to finish getting dressed and has me crawl to the door kicking me.

I leave and as soon as I walk out the door  I am thinking about what will happen the next time. Yes, there was a next time. I went back for more.

I have not written in a while…

Let’s see if I can recount some of what has happened. He has been sick. So He stayed home from work to rest on Thursday and Friday.

While He was sick, I had lots of time to think. And I started realizing when I looked in His eyes His view of me had changed. I remember the moment it did….too. I believe at first He did not have His feet on the ground and I tried to stay on the ground. At least one foot on the ground *grin*

I have not changed though…being His has not left me. He is good for me. I know it. I can’t explain HOW I know it but I do…I mean there is obvious things of His control that I see are good for me. But it is more then that….more then just D/s. I felt His view of me and want of me had changed. I got scared. It was there in the back of my mind. I was dreaming of Him sending me away a lot.

On Thursday, I went to sleep very frustrated. My clit was throbbing. I woke up playing with myself and I confessed to Him on Friday morning. I had also had dreams of Him sending me away again so had that underlying nervousness hanging in the air.

He played with me and then cuffed me to the bed. It scared me. I hate that right now at times, I feel like I am experiencing things for the first time. I remember that first time I was flogged and first time I was hogtied and how scary it was and how at times I felt I would tell the person to stop. That was how it felt when He chained me to the bed. He was above me and I just was so very scared. He let me out the restraints and walked away. Because my reaction was not “good.” What hurt me though is He walked away in frustration. I wish He had said "I am frustrated and need to walk away" or tell me He was frustrated and did not want to talk for a little bit and stay there with me.

We got past it. We talked about it. I don’t think He fully understands why it feels like I am starting over.

I have had lots of hurts and trust broken in my past and in some ways I am trying not to let that effect – so then things we do feel new. In other ways, I do have those things in my past so the fear is there and causing me to react also.

I had on image of someone I was with….that kept coming back to me on Friday after this incident. This person restrained me much like He did and I reacted negatively. I was scared. I was so scared and this person I was with just laid down next to me and talked….talked about nothing. He did that often with me to get me through fear. He would get my mind off of what we were doing to get me through it. It worked.

So how do I get that HE is not the same as my past. I think so far I have been doing a pretty good job there are just moments when I get scared and don’t feel I can trust Him. Nothing that He has done has shown me I can’t trust Him. He has been very good and patient. He is understanding of my past and is aware of it…does not ignore it is part of me and I am a lucky girl.

I got worried after that…that our Valentine’s was going to be horrible. But it turned out pretty good. * big smile*

So we talked some and then He took a shower, while He was in the shower I pulled an Osho Zen card. It came up the fool. Which is not as bad as card as it sounds but pulling that card in that moment frustrated me. So I reshuffled and pulled again. And no kidding….I pulled the same damn card LOL

In the Osho Zen deck, the fool means trusting the “rightness” of things….trusting, being pure and innocent and just trusting intuition. Well, in that moment after our morning I felt TOTALLY clouded and confused. So I started to get very upset with that card in my hand. I cried and then we got ready to go…I felt like we were off…and not the same page even though somewhere in me the feeling – the knowing – that the path we are on is the path we need to be…that we are suppose to be there together.

We went to lunch and I told Him that His view of me had changed. He did not say much at that time. We talked about it later. And His view had changed. But not in a bad way really, He is basically in reality now.

It seemed after that talk that things changed again for us. I felt Him come closer to me again. He bought me pink roses and we went to dinner. We had a nice dinner and then came home and He restrained me in some restrictive bondage while we watched a movie. We then played. He put a latex hood on me. *blushing * Also He abused my tits and my clit. My clit is still hurting, as it has been abused for several days now.

The hood was not as bad as I thought it was going to be but it does take me away from who I am and I was surprised by that….He told me it would reduce me into an object. But I really did not believe it and get that it would. But it did. I felt like an object. I liked it. I am looking forward to a full leather hood. I get excited thinking about it.

On Saturday, He had me get in the cage. And locked me in…funny I don’t even know how long I was in there. All I know is that it excited me….so very much. He allowed me to masturbate in the cage and I came very hard 3 times. I felt helpless – knowing I couldn’t go anywhere. I was His willing captive. And I liked it. I, also, after being in there for a while….I felt safe and secure. I knew He was in control and I was protected and kept safe by Him.

The cage…is very cool. To look at it and know He made that for * me * - isn’t it amazing? To make me His captive….mmmmmm nice thought.

He used and abused various body parts….

A group I am on asked about if anyone was having any sadistic fun…I would say He has been…

He has slapped, twisted, grasped, pinched, raped, pushed, pulled me….using and abusing me….leaving me breathless and out in a fuzzy mushy state where I am a very happy girl. My masochistic side of me….begs Him to hurt me. Begs Him to use and abuse me. I need Him so desperately in those moments….

Need…

The words…I need Him…

I think of the Osho Zen card I pulled on Friday – about trusting in the “rightness” of things. When I look in His eyes, when I sit at His feet, when I crawl into the cage, when I make Him dinner, when I sleep chained to His bed – next to Him, when I reach out and touch Him…I feel the rightness…and I need Him…

Each day the need of Him grows stronger. He consumes me...and He is becoming my world. In a way that I have always wanted and imagined but never thought I would see…a way that is good for me instead of destructive (such as Todd).

Took a pause in writing this to watch Serendipity. He had never seen it. I have mentioned it a few times since being here because….things have just come up that remind me of the movie. So, I wanted Him to see it. Today we went to Target - we were about to check out and He said “...lets go look for that movie – Serendipity.” And we found it and He bought it. I really like that movie. It is one of the feel good romantic comedy types. I like the word Serendipity….just as Sara said in the movie….what’s not to like about the word that means fortunate accident. : )

I suppose in a way I do feel He and I are a fortunate accident. I mean here He has been so near me for over a year and yet we did not come together until now. It was not an accident but it…was something…something good….something I am holding on it.

I would really like to end this journal entry here…as it feels very good. But there is so much more to talk about….

I had Him…read what I had so far. I always do now….not that He is “approving” it or making me change it…I am not exactly sure why I have Him do that…

I guess it is an approval of sorts. But He wants me to journal…He would not want me to censor or change things.

The journal entry though did spark an hour or more conversation on so many things. As I type this He is feeding me chips. We had a late lunch so we are not really doing dinner tonight.

Topics discussed in our conversation….our goals, plans, where we were and where we are going and….surrender.

He thinks…I feel. He feels too…He is very compassionate. But He says okay here we are and here is where we want to go and here are the things we need to do to get there. Where I got here is what we feel right now and we both want the same end…so we will get there. I don’t worry about when and how it will really happen…and maybe it is because I am putting my trust in Him to get us there. I am working on getting there too, but I don’t have a plan in mind on how to get there.

I want to surrender to Him. I believe I am each day. Each day that need to serve Him…need to surrender grows.

I have surrendered in the past out of fear. But He and I don’t want that….we want that surrender to come out of love and trust.

He wants to treat me as an animal. Humiliate and degrade me – treating me like nothing. But it is a process to get there. He could have taken me to that place day one, but I would have gone there in fear. But what want a relationship that has a foundation of  trust.

We are building a D/s foundation. We are building a relationship…towards an ultimate goal. We both want the same things and I keep my eye on that. I have faith in that. And I * know * it is in me to surrender. The questioning I had….is gone. I feel I will have more roadblocks and questions. I still have the internal fights, but I feel that surrender now. I feel it there and it is not scaring me. I know He is very sadistic and can hurt me and WILL hurt me. But He loves me and that somehow changes it…it does not take way from my experience. I fear Him. The fear is different then what I had with M…, as FEAR was the only thing that I had with M. With Him I am going to have a Master/slave relationship.

I hope I am making sense….

I just * know * it is a good path I am on. Even during the bumps I feel it. I get scared and have insecurities but it is always there. Even when He was saying to me during our nuclear meltdown – “who do you want to call” I knew it. I knew I just needed to get * us * to slow down and keep talking. To get our feet on the ground and look at the big picture.

I fight inside right now but it is not Him. It is me. He used an analogy tonight. He said it is like I have all these fibers and things going on inside healing from my past….Don, Todd and so on. And He is opening some things up and those fibers are going hey hey what are you doing! We were just getting ready to heal…and it is not that He is stopping that….I am just not trusting that I won’t get the same wounds or have those stitches ripped out or open again.

But each day my trust in Him grows.

Okay an analogy for my path to surrender. With a past owner, there was lots of fog. I did not know where we were going or what we were doing….I did not see anything ahead…I did not see the path we were on….and we went on this path. And we got to a point and he left….the fog cleared and I was on a bridge…the edge. The bridge represents surrender to me. With HIM….I see the bridge ahead. He has told me that it is there…and I know I am going to have to go on that bridge and even more….I * want * to be on the bridge. I love that…feeling that bridge gives me…and I want Him to take me to the edge of that bridge. I want to go that edge. I need the bridge…I need the edge. And I am very aware this time that the bridge is there…and I want to go on it for Him – with Him….and FOR ME.

I trust Him. And I say it with out fear and worry that it could change. With the person I talked about above, I was not there…I was not aware of what I was doing. But with Him I am aware and happily that He is going to love me and make love to me but also bring me down to nothing and treat me like His caged captive.

And I am going there very consciously….going there willingly….wantingly….

The end for now…I am sure there will be more about this…path I am on…with Him. Oh such a deliciously intense path.

I am at Katrina’s…Moni and Katrina are busy, so I decided it was time to write. I have needed to very much today.

I did not sleep well on Friday night. I was in some pain from playing. I was in such pain that even masturbating hurt *blushing* Saturday evening I spent with Moni, Michael and Katrina. We went to see Ghostship. It was okay. I don’t like scary movies. It was not that scary…just some gross parts lol

Then today…today…I went to see M. We hung out and talked. He took me to this little town…I had never been there…it was very cute. We walked around and talked. We talked about many things – the main one being…where we are going. I asked him where he thought our relationship might end up. He told me he was good with how things are right now. 

The other thing we talked about was fear. I like feeling the fear, but it also creates panic which I don't like. I really now think it is just lack of control. I don’t know how far M will go. I mean I know he will not harm – damage – or permanently injure me, but I don’t know where he will bring me…as I know he can/will go further then I ever imagined. And that is scary but very exciting at the same time. I don’t have control with M. I feel totally out of control with him and I panic. I never have been totally out of control.

I have always had some control. Something that was mine…to control…some way to hang on that no one knew about. But with him he does not let me do that. He takes one thing away and then the next. And it feels like they are being ripped away from me.

But it is what I have always wanted…so why do I hang on so?

We talked about the other day…when we played. It showed me how out of control I am with him. It is very scary but also feels so good at the same time.

I just stopped to talk to Moni and Katrina about this next concept. Moni understood it…I had not been explaining it right but when she used an example…it is what I had meant.

There are men that compel me or inspire me to submit to them. But I get something from them to make me feel submissive. It is give and take kind of thing. There are men who I submit to where is a conscious choice of me serving or submitting. But with M…it is something totally different that I have not experienced before. I just do it. I don’t think about it. I don’t “feel” submissive and thus serve. I just do it. I just serve him because he is who he is…he does not need to do anything. He does not have to work to compel me. He does not have to grab my hair or order for me or beat me (even though I love it when he does those things). We can be walking and talking in a little town and I just serve him…just want to serve him.

I just submit…as if my muscles don’t know anything else…don’t have a choice. It is not even a choice it just is…it is just life. It is just being me and him being him.

I hope that is making sense.

I am having an issue with M…something else he and I talked about extensively today. And I hope that my time in Detroit helps me think about it and get some perspective…on what I need to do about it.

Oh btw I am for sure leaving this week for Detroit. :)

Right now I am not stressing about Detroit but I am sure I will get to a point of being nervous. I am going to help a friend but I am serving a D/s household. It is a household 24/7 – 365 days. My friend’s Master intimidates me also. I know why…I put her up on a pedestal as I have submitted to her. And then she is his slave so…you know he is up above her. I don’t think I could do what she does always. But I will get a little taste of her life. And I am sure it will be quite the learning experience for me.

M…again today we were just hanging out and he was dominant always. It is definitely not a role for him. He and I talked about my role…something I talk about some in my journal…is being nothing.

I want to be nothing so much. I want to be brought down…so that I am nothing. I want to feel…that when M calls me worthless…it is true. I want to know it and not fight it. Every time he calls me worthless my cunt just twitches with excitement and it bothers me that I get so turned on with the names he calls me.

He does not want it to be role I put on…I understand that…because I have wanted that for a very long time.

So how can one believe they are worthless and valuable at the same time? Hmmm good question…but I think it is possible.

I know M looks at me as nothing. But he also values and respects me. He views me as an intelligent woman. It just is how it is…and he does make me feel all those things…valued and like nothing also.

I don’t think my words are coming out very well.

I walk away from him…knowing I am nothing, but feeling on top of the world. I appreciate the time he gives me…maybe even more since LDR stuff never seems to work these days. And so that time is precious.

I want to be nothing. I want to have all the layers shed off so I am nothing. Not that I am not valued. M finds value in me. And even respects me (another talk we had today). But so all the things I am for everyone else…are gone…and the only thing left is me…that needs to be nothing.

I really need to find better words to describe this state of being I feel I need to get to – to be myself.

Moni today cautioned me. And I heard what she had to say and am keeping it on the surface to examine.

Todd has popped up in dreams lately and also conversations. And there is a reason for that. I just hope it is not the reason that would make Moni’s cautions correct.

I have thought of Nick lots today also. I wanted to call him several times but held myself back. Why? Because…I can’t do that right now.

I need to get to bed. I have lots to do before I go to Detroit.

Time to write.....lol (okay it took me more then an hour...damn it is 3 pages long...so what do you expect especially with the feelings I am having)

I have been at Moni's since Tuesday evening. Her, a couple other friends and myself went to dinner and then to see White Oleander on Tuesday.

One of the first lines in the movie was....

"Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

Isn't that a marvelous line? LOL :) yummy!

Wednesday then I hung out at Moni's during the day. I saw Monseigneur E online but decided we need a little space before chatting again after our talk on Tuesday. That talk is still affecting me. I have written quite a bit about it in my offline journal because I had to get the feelings out. I have seen Linda on also and not messaged basically because of the same reason. I need to start distancing. I was hoping I would have his help with that and that was the whole point of me starting that discussion the other day. But it did not end up that way. *shrugs*

I talked to M about it. He listened but he does not know much about Monseigneur E and Linda so really did not offer advice or opinions. Nick read my journal entry and was concerned so asked me to call him.

I then went to Katrina's Wedneday night to hang out and talk. Then today I went to Cleveland, ran errands and then spent the afternoon with M...which I will talk about later! I am a happy little girl tonight. :)

Things I have been thinking about….expressing feelings/projecting feelings….

I think there is a difference between expressing feeling and projecting feelings. I am very aware of those types of things…projecting feelings, passive/aggressive and manipulation. I can look back at times in my life where I did one or all those things and I don’t want to repeat those behaviors. Now I express my feelings, something I did not do in the past. I try never to say YOU ARE….insert negative adjective, because to ME that is projecting. Saying I feel...is not projecting.

Being a slave….

I am not sure why but it is like a light bulb has went on with me recently...I understand what it means to be a slave. Can I explain it? LOL no not yet. I never thought I was as slave but felt I could be….and now…I know I can be it is just going to take LOTS of hard work. But it is really what I desire. When M and I talk about Master/slave relationships, it just fits in so right with what I have always felt and thought…it just makes sense to me.

WOW…it would be so incredible if I really could get to that point. I want it so very very much.

Today…*big smiles*
I know I float around on cloud 9 after seeing M. I look like a silly little girl. It is hard….I cry…I fight…and yet….it is the most incredible thing I think I have ever experienced.

Today we met and he took me to the horse races….something I had not done before. I did not do anything but watch him but I enjoyed it. I just was so thrilled to be with him I know I probably would have been happy watching grass grow LOL :) But going and doing that which I have never done – and then doing it with him and watching him…was very nice.

The Dominance is incredible. I have never had anyone do Dominance like he does…it is always there...I mean always! Even when he is sitting having a conversation about the horses it was there.

The problem we are having right now…I fear him. I don’t fear that he will damage me or do permanent harm. The fear is so many things…it is fear of just anticipation of what will come next, fear of where he will take me this time, fear of not having control, and what seems to be a big one for me right now just fear of the pain. And what is up with that?

I know what is up with that…M has given me pain like I have not had since I was 18 and with Don. The pain is same, but not the relationship just to put a warning here : )

The fear does not make me run…the fear is just an emotion…not actually what I want as I don't want to run. I mean when I think of the pain he is giving me right now…he has given me worse so I logically know I can handle it. But it is…so hard right now to take the pain. I mean it hurts in a different way. So I have been fearing it…and I get so scared that I make myself sick.

So, M talked about it with me and he has a solution we are going to work on this weekend. I mean the fear does not make me run. Afterwards I feel this high…and it is like I have been floating on cloud 9 and I don’t even go to subspace with him. It is almost like I am in subspace afterwards, because the emotional masochism kicks in. When I just feel it all and enjoy it, after the fear and pain. I don’t know if I am making sense.

I fear so much, but I need to be there so much to feel that fear. I needed him today. I needed him is the only way I can describe it too. He asked me if I wanted to leave a few times….and I said no each time even though the fear was just racing through me….but I needed him so much I knew I could not leave….it would just leave me empty.

His Dominance makes me not want to run. It makes me want to take the pain. It makes me want to beg for the pain even though I have not been able to do that because yet because the fear ends up stopping me.

When I got in the car, he pulled my hair. When we were at the races, he would say, “come” (to follow) and “stay here.” When we went to eat, I was not allowed to open the menu. He ordered for me. He was commanding, but so himself…telling me stories and jokes. It was so natural. I don’t understand how he does that….but I like it. I feel my submission just open up and want to pour out. It is nice to submit to someone right here. But I hold I still hold some back. 

I really hate the fearing the fear. Because today was painful but it is something I should have been able to take better. And I fought it. I fought him and I feel so bad about that. I just want to learn to be good, accept the brutality, and not fight him.

Skipping some aspect of today that I need to right now, but I stripped right away and he had me bend over he spanked me hard. He kicked my cunt. I fell to my knees and he yelled at me to stand up straight and not go to my knees. He did it again and then the fear took over. Ugghh I am so mad at myself. Some more things happened and some more things...and then he wrote on me. I am not going to say what he wrote on me because I want it for me and only me, but it made me feel good in the way that again it feels natural like it is really me. Then some more things happened and some more. And finally he fucked me in the ass. I then gave him a massage and we talked about the fear. I then begged him to kick my cunt. Something he wanted me to do. 

He give me lessons I need to learn with him. Such as don’t tell him something will hurt…because he will show me something that hurts more. Don’t say no…because he will do it more. Don’t try to fight or he will push it harder.

I like that he does not let me have control even when it is my emotions reacting not really what I want or think.

I mean I fight sometimes because of natural instinct, but when he tells me to stop I do. So, it is not me fighting to fight…it is me fighting because my brain says you are not getting air…get air…so hands come up to fight him. Or my brain telling me whatever it being "attacked" to make it stop. So instincts kick in.

I feel like all the words I could ever say are never going to explain what happens when I am with him. They never are going to explain the pain I feel…the fear I feel…and the calmness too.

Makes me think of that quote in White Oleander….."Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

What I have craved for years is…to feel like I did when with Don….the good aspects of Don. And M brings me to it…and past it….and I am flying high tonight because of him….and all the while remember who I am….to him….nothing. I am valued...with him though...he is showing me that too. I am valued toy to abuse. :)

It is a GREAT feeling!

Broken

I am home from being broken. He breaks me so easily. He uses and abuses me in a way that pushes all my buttons. Things I haven't ever even said outloud.

My bruises from my birthday are still bright on my skin and new bruises forming on top. I like the look of the bruises on top of bruises. 

Our time together feels violent. It feels like abuse.  I am sobbing and feel the fear just shaking through my body telling me to run. But I can't. I stay there and take it. He doesn't restrain me. He wants me to submit to his sadism fully and willingly. 

So today I am feeling broke and battered.  I feel like me again.

I think I have most of the blogger changes done…I am sure I will do some tweaking here and there. : ) Things I need to do is finish getting my archives up. And it is about that time for a cast list change. I think I am going to get rid of old names…those that I don’t mention anymore. There are a few of those names though that impacted my life enough that they will stay on that list always. And I will probably add a name or two.

This week actually has been really good for me - despite having my period and feeling like crap from it lol

I have felt very focused. I made a list of everything I need to get my butt in gear on. And I felt less stress this week. And I think it is due to my playing on Sunday. I know Saturday night playing helped too…Saturday was more for fun…and Sunday was more of a catharsis. I needed to go through what I did though on Sunday…kind of like a shedding of old skin.

I still have lots to work out in my life. I still want to submit to Monseigneur E but I believe fully that now is not the time. And if we get that chance ever…I am very unsure about. Linda and I talked the other night. She talked with me like her friend…like the friend I was before I submitted to her Master. And I was happy about that. I hope her and I move back to being friends like we were....before.

I sat here for about 5 mins wonder if I should have posted that. I hate that I go up and down about what I post about…I am neurotic : )

Well, I had been really depressed about my birthday but now I am kind of happy it is here…only thing that sucks is I started getting a cold yesterday and now it has hit me harder today. Moni is having a little party for me tonight and so I am hoping I feel better. I do feel a lot better then I did this morning and even before lunch. : )

So I do have a few topics I want to ramble about…

Slaves being burnt out…

It seems like so many slaves I talk to lately are burnt out. And not sure that is the right word for everyone. But so many are feeling very similar things and that is the closest thing I can compare it too. The pain I am feeling from the slaves I am talking is so intense. I remember how that felt to be in similar situation…and what to do for a solution just seems no where to be found.

How does a relationship not get to that point is what I want to know. And I am probably being judgmental… I put a lot of on the Master. Because it seems to me the Dominants don’t feel like putting the energy into giving that boost back to get the slave back out of that slump.

Last night we had a Girl’s Night Out (GNO) and it made me think of the first GNO I went to. I was owned…and I was just so relieved to be able to be with a bunch of women and not have to serve and not have to anticipate and be on it. I was able to wear panties, I was able to wear sweats, I was able to wear a t-shirt and I could just be…and I was so tired then…that it was like a mini-vacation even though it was only one night.

I mean isn’t that sad that one night meant so much to me?

Visible Mark – specifically facial bruising…

Okay next topic I am taking this personally I know I am …

I started a thread on a local list and I feel like got a little out of control. I started the topic and put myself out there...I just did not think I would be judged so by those who know me. It is silly but those on a national list were okay with it. Did not hear much back…but those that were local acted like I murdered someone.

I have bruises on my face. And I love them. It is not something I would want everyday. But they mean something to me.

Mostly people were upset I would expose children to my bruises. My argument being then…okay when I was moving I had boxes fall on me and I had a bruise on my forehead and lots of them on my body does that mean I hide from the world with those? Just because I got the bruises from play why does it make any difference?

The grocery store clerk is going to look at my bruises on my face right now and not think much differently then she would with the bruise I got from the box falling on me when I moved.

Also if the grocery store clerk thinks I am abused…so what. I am not and if she cares to ask I will be happy to say no I am not and that the bruises are okay with me. If I were to be questioned further…I am out and open about my lifestyle and I am happy to discuss it with others.

As far as exposing children…the children I am around have not said anything and if they would. I would assure them I am okay and if they thought it was from abuse I would again assure them I am okay. That no one is hurting me.

There were many more things said and all of them pretty much irritated me. And not that they irritated me because they disagreed with me, what got to me is that they made me seem like what I am doing is WRONG and what they are doing is RIGHT. And who is to judge that…in BDSM we all have our own kinks. I hate tickling. It is a limit. It goes back to my childhood and I so I hate to be tickled. I don’t tell anyone else they are wrong to be tickled. That it could traumatize them just because it is not good for me.

The Sadist put the bruises on my face was very controlled in how he did it. And did it very purposefully. It was done under the BDSM communities’ slogan – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). (I prefer RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.)It wasn't out of control rage punching me. At least it didn't seem that way to me.

Next topic...Nick...

I got an email the other night from Nick after he read my journal. The email touched me. He expressed many things again that I did not know he felt. He ended up calling me the next day and we talked for a long time. He made me laugh and smile something he does very well.

I am going to need a name for the new person...even though he not new in my life. We have talked a little bit every day.

I think about what happened Sunday and it...scares me that when I think of it...it makes me feel good. And people read that probably think what are you complaining about that for...

Because what was done to me…was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The whole time I was with him it was full of fear and my body reacted. I was so wet…I don’t know if I ever been that wet before. I felt it all over my thighs. But here I don’t get this...I was not turned on mentally...I felt the pain and fear. I just felt it permeate my whole body…as I curled into a little ball after punch, kick, slaps, zaps of electricity…everything he did to me made me fall over...and go into this emptiness of pain and fear. Only thing in that moment was him and the pain and the fear. I did not feel anything else in the moment. And for a girl whose mind and feelings don’t slow down…it was an incredible feeling.Just to feel those things. I know that must sound odd.

He humiliated me. And told me who I was…and made me *know* it through my body...


And I think of the pain and how I suffered and I crave it...crave to suffer again....

Why do I crave something like that again?

I remember when I first realize there words like painslut and masochist. It made me feel so much better about myself and not worry about that I liked pain so much. Made me stop trying to figure why I was this way...

And now I almost feel I am going through this all again… like I am new and experiencing pain for the first time...

I said it was shedding...I did I shed a layer of old skin....something I am not.... to expose the person I am more…not a person most would want to be…

But I want to be nothing so much...