Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.
With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.
So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him. With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again. Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it.
When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.
But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....
Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch, and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.
Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.
But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.
If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.
Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.