Thursday, April 29, 2004

Right now over on Grumbles journal he is asking for people to leave a comment or email him with their favorite role models in the BDSM realm. Please go over and check it out and leave a comment on your favorite role models.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

A few little things...

Thunder in the Mountains is in July 16th - 18th but they are having early registration right now and until May 15th. So I just want to promo it. It is a really good event! I had lots of fun with Master last year.

Next one of my favorite authors (that DM introduced me to) has a new book coming out. Here are a couple articles on Paulo Coehlo and his new book - One on BeliefNet & One on NPR.

I am not sure if anyone knows what a Blinkie is - but I have become a blinkie nut today.

So here are a few that I collected today....




Saturday, April 24, 2004

Weblogs Changing

This week has been the change in online journals. I saw that a couple people have stopped writing and are pulling their journals offline. I have seen a few just take a break for a while. And others have changed their urls. Something must be in the air with weblogging?

I was thinking about when I first started blogging this week. It will probably sound strange, but the main reason I started blogging was to be more honest with myself. Because if the world wide web was reading my words it would help me be more honest with myself. Probably sounds a little backwards as people often like the www because of its anonymity and can pretend to be others. But I knew eventually I would have people from my life - everyday life - reading my journal and so it would help me be honest with myself. I want what I feel and think on the inside to be what I live my life. Okay at that time though my life was so chaotic and very mixed up. But I guess I knew I needed to open up and really sift through what I needed and wanted in my life. And I did not want to hide from it. It helped me be honest with myself.

Online Friends

I would have to say I don't have a lot of online friends. I have friends that are real life friends that I talk to online because of the distance we live from each other. But I don't have a lot of online friends. I have women who I like reading their posts on elists and journals. We will leave brief comments. We will leave offline hi's, hugs and concerns but I don't have a lot of online friends. I don't want anyone to be offended if you were thinking we are online friends. We might be by a little bit but for me to be friends with someone I have to know them and reading someones journals and posts might allow me a chance to get know parts - but a conversation is where people really start to interact is what makes friends to me.

I want to have some online friends especially since here there are no groups or community to start with and I really want to be out with my friends. I am finding myself a little shy. It is online -the person is not seeing me. I can take time to think before I type where in real life my mouth starts moving before I have even engaged the brain.

Once upon a time I would have said no way to making friends online. Most of the people I met online years ago were I have to say fake. And it is was hard to find people that to me lived D/s or M/s real life. Now though I have found several elists that many/if not all are living D/s or M/s relationships. And that is a good thing for me.

Time Outs/Speaking Freely

These have been subjects on a few elists lately.

I really don't understand the need for either of these.....my main reason is because are you in a relationship or 5 years old? I know that might sound harsh probably is harsh but it is true. We are in a relationship. Period.

I do not need to take a break from being a slave....just like if I was in a vanilla relationship I would not take break from being a wife or girlfriend or whatever.

I have heard of people taking time outs and breaks, but it really would not be able to work in our relationship. I think it would going against who we are to each other. We have an ebb and flow in our relationship where sometimes the M/s seems more intense. But the foundation of the power exchange is always there.

When I have something to say to Master I just say it. It has to be respectful and in a manner that would show that respect. If I can't find the words to say something then I need to wait until I find the words. There are times I get angry with life but that does not mean I can just rant and rave. I have to express my feelings in a calm respectful way. If I need to rant and
rave - to calm myself - I usually write it all out say it however it comes out. And then that is a way for me to calm and then express my feelings more respectfully.

Again isn't that how we should communicate with each other if we were in a vanilla relationship...with respect. So why would it be different in a M/s relationship?

Monday, April 19, 2004

If you command wisely, you'll be obeyed cheerfully. - Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)

Home is not where you live, but where they understand you. - Christian Morgenstern

A positive BDSM news article.

After Friday's sad and upsetting afternoon, Master needed to relax. We grabbed some dinner and then vegged out in front of the computers. Saturday was similar just relaxing all day - trying to get His mind off of what happened. We watched Real Women Have Curves, a George Carlin special and then Chris Rock.

Chris Rock did a joke about all women have that one friend that they don't leave alone with their man. Master said, "So do you have a friend like that?" And right away I said, "no" and then I paused for a moment and said, "Well I don't anymore because of that reason." I added more on to that with Master that won't be repeating here. But what it really comes down to it - I would not have to worry about Master with any of my friends because he would set them straight if they came on to Him. He has integrity and love for me to never do that to me. Also if Master really wanted to be with someone I know he would just come and tell me about it. It would be out in the open and most likely with me involved....threesome woohoo!

After the comedy specials, we did our late night shopping. Today I made brunch and then we took a nap. Late afternoon and most of the evening was spent driving….well I was riding and Master was driving. Again like it always is...Master brought me through some amazing country. The mountains were beautiful. Master and I daydreamed about living up there. It was so gorgeous.

hmm what else...

Oh on Friday before all the badness happened Master and I had lunch and then He took me shopping for some new spring/summer clothes. He bought 2 skirts and a tank top that has a chiffon 3/4-length sleeve blouse over it. It is totally a color I would have NEVER picked for myself. Neither was one of the skirts. But Master liked it all. The tank top is a v-neck in turquoise and then the chiffon shirt has fine vertical stripes almost look like fine paintbrush strokes in black, charcoal gray, a brighter turquoise and a lighter turquoise. One skirt is a black gauzy skirt with slits on both sides; the other is an a-line skirt in deep fuchsia. Both are really comfortable and cute.

It was really hard when Master told me we were going shopping. And then to have Him spend money on me - I felt very guilty and I still am having that problem. I even thanked Him again today because I was so grateful for the clothes and was feeling bad that He spent money on me even though I needed some new spring/summer clothes.

Friday, April 16, 2004

I can't write about the details of my Master's job because it holds some public light to it at times.

My Master and the people who work with Him have amazing hearts and souls. They work with every walk of life and they give each a chance. Today was not different. Today the situation that was going on at His work came to an end and their hearts and mine are hurting. The person they helped has to be hurting even more. They all are in my thoughts and prayers.

I just want to write something to mark this day. To say that I am proud of my Master and all His co-workers for all they do today and not only today everyday. The come to aid and help the people they do and do it with heart. I don't know how they do it sometimes. Today is one of those days I don't know how they do it. They are brave and big hearted. I know that it has gotten to me emotionally just hearing about it. But they work it day in and day out and I just am thankful they are able to give themselves to that kind of work.




I'm Velma, which ambiguous dyke are you? Quiz by Turi.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

BDSM Moments in Angel

A long time ago girlie asked what was your favorite BDSM moment in Buffy or Angel. Well, there are lots of moments that have BDSM flavor to them, but yesterday I was watching a daily rerun of Angel. The episode was Deep Down.

There are 3 moments/lines that really are good BDSM moments (non-consensual obviously as it is a tv show for entertainment, but still hot for me).

Moment 1: After having sex with Lilah, Wesley gets up and puts some jeans on - gets some keys out and goes to a what looks like a closet. He unlocks it and there kneeling with a collar around her neck is a woman. She is gagged and looks like her hands are tied behind her back. There are cage bars across the closet and padding in the closet. He said, "Its time. Lets go for a boat ride."

The next scene you see is of them on a boat. He is looking for something (not going to give it away if you have never seen it). She is talking about what they have found so far - tire and shopping cart.

She asks - but it is more of a statement - if finding the thing they are looking for is going to change anything and He says, "Everything changes." Moment 2: She said, "I guess anything is better then sitting around in my cage all day filling my bucket."

Moment 3: It goes on with some dialog. There is this wrench sitting on some maps. Wesley's back is to the woman. And she goes over and picks the wrench up. She is about to bring it up to hit him with it. He says so calmly and I'll take away your bucket. She puts the wrench down.

Yum...at least to me it is yummy!
Sunday afternoon Master and I laid in bed talking. It was a good talk - it cleared up some issues we were having. We ended the talk with playing. Yum!

Master decided He wanted me gagged. I was standing next to the bed as He put the gag harness on me. He turned me around abruptly and pushed me over so I was bending over the bed. I felt His hard cock pressing against me….teasing my cunt. I was drooling all over the bed and it did not even occur to me that my hands were free so I could wipe the drool off. I drooled as Master teased me with His cock. He turned me around and laughed when He saw all the drool on my face. He took and wiped it all over my face and breasts. And pushed me on to the bed so I was on my back this time….legs spread open for Him to take me. He pushed into my wet pussy and fucked me hard. After He came inside me, He pulled out and picked up my vibrator. He told me He wanted me on my stomach. He told me that I was to masturbate while He spanked me. I got a little distracted on the spanking and I also was having problems holding on to the vibrator, so He got the remote control vibrating egg. He had me roll over and spread my legs open. He of course had to comment on how sloppy wet I was so that I got embarrassed. He shoved the vibrating egg into my pussy and immediately started playing with the remote…making the vibrations low and then harder. He then motioned for me to turn over again so that He could continue spanking my bottom. He of course continued to play with the remote on the egg.

After the spanking, He then flipped me over and used my other vibrator on my clit. I came 3 times. And by that time - watching me cum several times and being a slut so wet and sloppy for Him - He was hard. Master laid next to me while I was still floating in orgasm space and He masturbated. I rubbed my face against Him knowing He would like the feel of the leather from the harness against His skin. I love watching Him masturbate. At times I get upset because I want to touch, suck and play with Him, but I also really love to watch Him. It is so raw and so full of sexual energy that I don't get to really see or experience as much when I am so focused on pleasing Him. He had another orgasm. Shortly after He headed to the shower. He kept me in the gag harness while He showered and also allowed me to masturbate. I orgasmed 4 more times while Master was in the shower.

After Master got out of the shower. He took the gag harness off and I cleaned up. We did not really cuddle or rest because we were both hungry. So I went straight to the kitchen to get the rest of dinner going. We had the Forest Ville Gwurtz wine, but it was not very good. I mean it was drinkable but not really something that I would run out and buy again. It was too dry beside not having the pop of flavor that Carlson's offers.

We had a very nice holiday - relaxing, playing, f*cking, eating, laughing (mostly from watching Robin Williams on Inside the Actors Studio) and just having a wonderful day.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Age Play

On Sunday Master gave me a little M&M lunchbox type tin filled with little bags of skittles and M&M's. It has the Green M&M on it. She is so cute with her white go-go boots! I saw it a while ago and I told Daddy that I thought it would be cute to use a purse when I am His little girl. Can't you picture it - little girl plaid skirt with a white shirt, ruffled panties, white tights, pigtails and Mary Janes? And then I can carry my little M&M purse. It can have colors in it and a little note pad - so I can draw pictures for Daddy. It can also have cotton candy flavored lipgloss and some bubblegum!

Age play is something I have not done for a long time. I was Kam's little girl. If you read anything from the beginning of my archives you will see I call him Daddy. I still have moments of grieving things with that relationship. But I also want to be my Daddy's little girl. Master has a great Daddy in Him. He often is Daddy even when I have problems letting little girl out. She will peak out for little moments. And then I stuff her back in because it starts to hurt. And it also scares me.

Deborah Addington had a class at SMART Fest on Role-playing. I mentioned it in my blog back then. She (with j's prompting me) and I had a conversation about the class. She went over a lot of the reasons people hold themselves back. I know the reasons and I have told myself that it is okay. I have given myself permission to go forward with this, but I am still scared. Scared of the past coming up. Scared of being rejected - not accepted. I have never done little girl really around other people. I let her out just a teensy bit and then she goes back in. I have let her out around j. I have let her out just a little bit around Michael and Moni. But otherwise it is really hard for me.

I get scared of being called stupid or weird or being rejected for my silliness. If you have read my journal for any amount of time you know acceptance is a big theme in it. I have lots of acceptance issues. I want to be accepted.

So how do you move to the next step and take the plunge?

Deborah gave me great advice that really should have probably been obvious, but for whatever reason I did not see it. She told me to set up basically a scene. It has a time period. It has it negotiated out with the people there what words can trigger me - making me feel that they think I am silly or stupid. That would make me feel that they were not accepting me. It is a great first step and that is what I need to do with Daddy. I am still just scared. I know there is nothing to fear with Him. He protects me and loves me. He will always accept me.

I know though the biggest fear I have about allowing that part of me to come out is that things from my past - with Kam and maybe from my childhood will come up. And so I hold back because of that. Because I think allowing that part of me to come out is going to bring up rough things and even though it will be healing. And it will get really hard on me emotionally - very draining. And that work scares me.


Saturday, April 10, 2004

Watching: Trading Spaces
Mood: feeling down
Topics: Various Topics - Memories, Dressing, Nesting


Memories...

There are things I remember about childhood, but they are like little flashes instead of complete memories. I remember little moments in time. So much I have blocked out I know. But even the normal memories are few and far between. And then other times I will have someone describe a something from my childhood and the only reason I remember it - is because of a photograph. Instead of the memory associated with the experience coming to my mind - a photograph of the experience comes to mind. So I know it happened, but I don't remember the experience itself. It bothers me a lot.

But here are some memories I do have and want to hang on to them - There are memories I have of being at my Grandmother's and playing out in her vegetable garden and among the laundry drying on the clothes line. I remember swinging. I remember chasing Spike - Grandma's dog (named by one of my uncles not my Grandma). Being on her farm and naming the chickens and cows. Running around in the "forest" - that is what I called it. It was a little wooded area that surrounded my Grandma's land. I don't have lots of memories of my Grandfather on my Mom's side. On my Dad's side I had both Grandparents until I was a teen when my Grandpa died of cancer. It was really hard on me. He and I were very close. We used to play lots of cards. My Grandparents had a flower garden in their backyard with a little stone path running through it. It was fun to skip and play on the path among the pretty flowers. My Grandma had long finger nails and I would sit on her lap as she sang I would play with her fingernails. I know it sounds strange, but it was so calming. Grandma and Grandpa would buy me paperdolls. Grandma and I would spend time cutting them all out and then I would play with them for hours. I was a big barbie doll girl too. My other Grandma would buy me crocheted barbie clothes at church craft sales. My Grandparents had an apartment in the basement of their house. When there was not a boarder I would play house down there. I would also play records down there and sing and sing to them.

Other memories....I lived in North Dakota until I was 10 years old. Okay so everyone thinks about COLD WINTER's with North Dakota and that is the truth. But really the winters were my favorite part of living there. There was always so much to do. My parents had tons of friends in North Dakota. They were part of many groups there so they had friends from all the organizations. And all the friends of course had kids.

There was a lake not to far from where we lived and lots of their friends had cabins there. During the winter we would go sledding. There was a big hill coming down from the cabin going out on to the ice of the lake. We would be bundled up in warm sweaters with long johns and wool socks and topped with snowsuits. We would go sledding until we were blue icicles. There was always hot chocolate waiting for us. We would sit around a roaring fire playing games until we warmed up and got ready for round 2 of sledding. It was so much fun. We also would go snow mobiling We owned 2 of them. I remember at a young age driving one my own. I am not sure how old I was but I know I was 10 and under.

Okay I guess I will stop rambling on those for a while. :) It was a nice trip down memory lane.

Dressing...Ugly...Easy...Hard....

I get "dressed" for Master during the week for Master. Meaning I do my hair, put makeup on and then get dressed in lingerie or something sexy and/or slutty. It at times is a challenge for me because for months I have not been feeling attractive at all. I have felt ugly. I put the clothes on and it just makes me feel worse instead of better. In the past it would have made me feel better getting all dolled up and sexy. But for some reason it is not doing that anymore.

There has been afternoons I have been really busy and I tell Master what I have left. So He will tell me that is okay to if I do not get dressed. And when He tells me that I don't have to....it is easier to dress for Him. Then when I know I have to get dressed. I still feel "ugly" - no matter what. But there has been some days I literally stand in front of the mirror as I get dressed and just start bawling. There have been times I will get all the way dressed and have to redo my makeup because I get so upset. The nights that Master has said I don't have to get dressed, I get dressed much easier...without all the emotional stuff. But also most of the time it is because I am short on time. Where I am doing all that I told Master I was plus getting ready...so I am rushing. And I don't have time to "think" - to get upset.

Part of me feels bad and guilty because I am able to get dressed easier on the nights Master tells me I don't have to get dressed. I have always heard that it is only submission if it is hard and something you don't want to do. I am not sure I have always agreed with that statement, but on this instance I know I do feel guilty for being able to dress easier on the nights He tells me I don't have to get dressed. :(

Nesting...

I have been feeling the need to nest. This week I have made lots of new dishes and rearranged cupboards and did some spring cleaning.

I made Herb Chicken Piccata, roasted potatoes with garlic and onions and green beans this week. I also baked some herb foccacia bread, made cream puffs with chocolate filling. I made comfort food that my Mom used to make for us as kids and I probably had not had it since then. Master really liked it all.

I get in these nesting periods - like I did this week.

Last time I got in this mood - I julienned carrots, sliced onions, made bread crumbs, made croutons (with the bread I make I hate the ends that bread machine loaf makes so I always trim off the ends and use them for bread crumbs or to make croutons). I then froze them all so I can pull them out and use when I need.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

All Sorts of Thoughts on my Hair

I have long hair. It has been longer then it is now. It was just above my bottom, but now a couple inches past the shoulders. It used to cover my all of breasts when I brought it to the front, but now it does not. My hair is red right now, but I would really like it to be purple. Have you seen Illyria (former Fred) in Angel? The picture is seems brighter purple then what I am wanting but I like the streaks in it. I also have been having thinking about bangs. But not sure on that yet either.

There are few slaves I know of that have shaved heads. It was a discussion on a list that I am on not too long ago. Years ago DM and I had a conversation about shaved heads. It is something she talked about doing to me. And even though I love my hair and hate the thought of losing my hair - why is it that when I hear about a slave that has had their head shaved I get all wet?

Timeline MEME

15 Years Ago, I:
1. was 21 and dating Jim my ex-husband
2. was living in an apartment with a friend that I knew from the church I went to when in High School
3. was in College full time at UNO
4. was taking lots of art classes - much to my father's dismay - had one of my favorite teachers
5. was working 3 jobs - hotel, deli, baby store

10 Years Ago, I:
1. married to Jim for almost 3 years
2. had bought a house with Jim and then we got a dog shortly after.
3. was working at a retail store again
4. was just starting to be myself - find myself and being more self aware
5. had a really good supportive bunch of friends

5 Years Ago, I:
1. lived in Ohio for almost a year.
2. was just starting to get active in the local BDSM community
3. was making lots of friends in the scene - Moni being one :)
4. had just got my divorce from Jim
5. was owned and in a poly household


3 Years Ago, I:
1. visited Honey in Germany for 2 months
2. met Todd in 2001
3. was working and my business was growing
4. came to realize there were several unhealthy people in my life
5. was being pulled in a lot of different directions - life very chaotic


1 Year Ago, I:
1. was getting ready to move to be with Master. :)
2. was going through a rough time being in a LDR with Master - we both were having a rough time :(
3. was living with Bill and Lisa & spending lots of time at my second home - Moni's.
4. was seeing a new state of self - awareness even though things were rough with being apart from Master. I was seeing past mistakes and learning from them. Seeing that people from my past were not worth the headaches and the heartaches
5. knew that I had found the one in Master. Someone who I will be eternally grateful came into my life.

Yesterday, I:
1. cleaned
2. went running errands with Master
3. started working on this meme
4. masturbated 2 times - once while Master watched and I covered my eyes
5. watched The Matrix Revolution with Master and made comfort food for dinner.

Today, I:
1. am tired - Master and I have been staying up too late.
2. chatted with girlie online
3. gave Master a blowjob
4. cleaned plus did some laundry and will be doing more
5. wanting chocolate

It is kind of interesting how I came about this meme....Someone from my past dated the person I got this from. I stumbled on to her journal. It was intriguing to read her answers because I was around during some of the things she mentioned. It was kind of a deja-vu thing.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Which Oscar Wilde quote are you? by avana4
name
age
gender
favorite color
sexuality
quoteThe world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold, the curves of your lips rewrite history.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!
Creativity, Kevin Smith, a link and a midnight trip

Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I wrote a couple weeks ago about having a surge in creativity and having many messages coming to me telling me to work on my craft....those have not really stopped but I am happy to stay I started an art journal. I just sort of do whatever comes to the page at that moment. I also have been thinking of other ideas and going to start writing them down if I don't have time to work on them in that moment. There is also one person I need to thank for also encouraging me to get back into my art more - Lauren. Thank you Princess!

++++++++++++


Kevin Smith is going to be on The Screen Savers this week - April 7th. I think Kevin Smith is hot...so I am sure I will be watching that screen savers. Master actually taped another show last week that had Kevin Smith on it. One of my favorite Kevin Smith films is Chasing Amy. Though Dogma is also very good. I have written about Chasing Amy before so I won't go there again...at least not right now.

++++++++++++


Okay I am not at all endorsing this item but.......
I saw something on Unscrewed the other night and had to post the link. It was kind of - interesting. And yes I kind of got turned on by the thoughts of it - not sure I want to feel it real life but the thought made me wet!

++++++++++++


Well I better get this posted as I think we are heading to Wal*Mart to get The Matrix Revolution...yes we are weird. Actually we just don't happen to be tired and we watched The Matrix and The Animatrix yesterday and Reloaded tonight so I think Master is in the mood to get the next so we have it to watch tomorrow night.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

A Wonderful Weekend!

This weekend has been great. I can't remember having this nice of a weekend in a long time. We both needed it.

Yesterday afternoon we took a little trip to a nearby town. We were looking for an office chair for me. The one I had Master could not stand. So we got a chair and then took a more scenic route back. It was cloudy yesterday so not very good for pictures, but it was so nice to get out and have a nice drive.

We drove past lots of beautiful land that would be a great place to live. The view is incredible from up there too. On our way home we stopped by the liquor store that has a pretty decent collection of wines. We bought 2 different kinds of Gewurtzteraminers. Both were very inexpensive. All their Gwurtz's were 10 bucks and under. We opened one bottle last night. It was from Fetzer Vineyards. It was an Echo Ridge Gwurtz. It was pretty good. I did not think it had a much mouth exploding flavor as Carlson's Gwurtz, but still it was good. The other is a Forestville Califorina wine.

We ended our wonderful day with being intimate and having sex. (Our second time that day). Master touched me...in a way that I had been craving for so long. It was soft and it is those touches where the fingers lightly trail across my body that I almost wonder if I really felt it, but I know I did because it leaves that memory of the touch on the skin. It was so nice. I still smile thinking about it.

It was a great day and I am very lucky. The wonderful weekend did not end there though....

This morning we woke up late because of that missed hour. We meant to get up early and go on our weekly shopping trip. Because we had not done that this weekend. But we ended up going about 11am. So of course, it was packed. It was good people watching day though. We got in and out fairly quickly. After we got home, Master made us breakfast (for lunch). While He cooked, I unloaded the dishwasher. We had classical music on in the background while we chit chatted about this and that together in the kitchen. I was putting things away and then a surge of happiness overwhelmed me. It felt so good - I felt so happy. I turned to Master and told Him I loved Him and that I was happy today.

I have not been very happy lately so a happy day is a good thing. So this weekend has been very relaxing, fun and just so enjoyable.

I love my Master very much.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Today my wonderful wonderful Master....got His girl broadband! :)

We had dial-up. It had been hard going from broadband to dial-up. So I am happy we have broadband at home now. It is so great. So much faster! Pages that take minutes (sometimes up to 5 minutes) load in seconds. So I am a VERY happy girl. Thank you Master!

Soooooooooo....the cable techs had to install it and I for some reason it did not dawn on me that they would be using the internet browser. *blushing* I did realize they would be on the computer so the desktop picture and the screen saver were vanilla. But my browser has links on the top - and one is titled slave's blog, another just said consensual but when you mouse over it - it said consensual slavery. I also have the Surrendered Wife up on my book case. Oh well lol

There is a photographer that I am going to plug because WOW...WOW. His photos are great fetish art. Check out LITHIUM PICNIC.

Also listening to Magnatune....now that I have broadband. Really good music over there.....Here is what it says on their website...

We're a record label. But we're not evil. We call it "try before you buy." It's the shareware model applied to music. Listen to hundreds of MP3'd albums from our artists.
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