danae

Age Play

On Sunday Master gave me a little M&M lunchbox type tin filled with little bags of skittles and M&M's. It has the Green M&M on it. She is so cute with her white go-go boots! I saw it a while ago and I told Daddy that I thought it would be cute to use a purse when I am His little girl. Can't you picture it - little girl plaid skirt with a white shirt, ruffled panties, white tights, pigtails and Mary Janes? And then I can carry my little M&M purse. It can have colors in it and a little note pad - so I can draw pictures for Daddy. It can also have cotton candy flavored lipgloss and some bubblegum!

Age play is something I have not done for a long time. I was Kam's little girl. If you read anything from the beginning of my archives you will see I call him Daddy. I still have moments of grieving things with that relationship. But I also want to be my Daddy's little girl. Master has a great Daddy in Him. He often is Daddy even when I have problems letting little girl out. She will peak out for little moments. And then I stuff her back in because it starts to hurt. And it also scares me.

Deborah Addington had a class at SMART Fest on Role-playing. I mentioned it in my blog back then. She (with j's prompting me) and I had a conversation about the class. She went over a lot of the reasons people hold themselves back. I know the reasons and I have told myself that it is okay. I have given myself permission to go forward with this, but I am still scared. Scared of the past coming up. Scared of being rejected - not accepted. I have never done little girl really around other people. I let her out just a teensy bit and then she goes back in. I have let her out around j. I have let her out just a little bit around Michael and Moni. But otherwise it is really hard for me.

I get scared of being called stupid or weird or being rejected for my silliness. If you have read my journal for any amount of time you know acceptance is a big theme in it. I have lots of acceptance issues. I want to be accepted.

So how do you move to the next step and take the plunge?

Deborah gave me great advice that really should have probably been obvious, but for whatever reason I did not see it. She told me to set up basically a scene. It has a time period. It has it negotiated out with the people there what words can trigger me - making me feel that they think I am silly or stupid. That would make me feel that they were not accepting me. It is a great first step and that is what I need to do with Daddy. I am still just scared. I know there is nothing to fear with Him. He protects me and loves me. He will always accept me.

I know though the biggest fear I have about allowing that part of me to come out is that things from my past - with Kam and maybe from my childhood will come up. And so I hold back because of that. Because I think allowing that part of me to come out is going to bring up rough things and even though it will be healing. And it will get really hard on me emotionally - very draining. And that work scares me.