Tuesday, December 31, 2002

some quizes.....

My%20ideal%20mate%20is%20Aragorn!%20
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?

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Next....last for 2002....

bondage
What's YOUR sexual fetish?

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fairy2
What kind of fairy are you?

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You like to be everywhere at once. You like to dance and sing wiht everyone. you like to skip and sing and be happy its very important to you. Your a spring fairy.

BTW I love Amy Brown's art too :) I keep meaning to get some of her prints along with some Michael Parkes too :)

Tonight will probably be a quiz night....BEWARE! :)

I%20am%20Desdemona%2C%20from%20Shakespeare's%20%22Othello.%22
* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *

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Othello's: Desdemona - The daughter of the Venetian senator Brabanzio. Desdemona and Othello are secretly married before the play begins. While in many ways stereotypically pure and meek, Desdemona is also determined and self-possessed. She is equally capable of defending her marriage, jesting bawdily with Iago, and responding with dignity to Othello's incomprehensible jealousy. She is strangled by Othello when he is under the impression that she was unfaithful.
Well I have not written for a few days….

I am back in Minnesota at my parents. I had a nice time seeing my relatives in North Dakota….especially my Grandma and cousin.

Lets see if I can recapture some moments lol….

On Friday we left fairly early and then stopped on the way to my Grandma’s in Fargo at Valentino’s. Valentino’s was where I worked when I had my first job. It is where I met Don and Jim. It was where I met lots of people that had great influences on my life actually….which might sound very scary lol

And today is the 31st so of course I am thinking of Don some of course.

So a little plug for Valentino’s…they are really good. If you have a chance to hit their lunch buffet…do it : ) Their pizza is one of my favorites….and then their marinara is another favorite of mine. If you don’t like sweet sauce, you won’t like them. Valentino’s is mostly based in Omaha, Nebraska. But they also have one in Topeka, Kansas and then one in Fargo, North Dakota.

After that we headed to Grandma’s and because everyone went to bed at 9pm I had to also….can you believe it me in bed at 9pm??? Lol

I woke up lots though….because I was in bed so early. I had several nightmares but that is a nightly thing for me, but basically going to bed early means more of them unfortunately.

So then on Saturday we headed to my other grandmother’s – who I have not seen for 4 years so that was good that I was seeing her. I really like my Grandma M….when I talked about that I was thinking about my Grandpa lots lately…it was Grandma M’s husband. I am not sure why but they were my favorite Grandparents. My other Grandpa died when I was fairly young so I just think I had more time to get to know my other Grandpa.

It was good to see Grandma M…and I love her very much. I do actually wish I would spend more time with her.

We picked up Grandma and then drove to my Aunt and Uncle’s. My cousin who I grew up with and was very close to…was there with her husband and 4-year-old daughter. Her daughter is so cute! My cousin is also expecting again and I am very happy for her. My biological clock did some ticking…faint ticking mind you lol

I have pretty much accepted that my life just is not meant to have children for several reasons 1) I am selfish and love my lifestyle and don’t want to give up any of it. 2) I don’t think I can have children – scar tissue and also just fertility.

Anyway, I really liked spending time with my cousin and her daughter.

One thing that happened that just happened because you know I am me….I told my cousin I am bisexual. I just came out. And so….I know after…I told her and the next day I realized how much of a shock this probably for her as she is very very vanilla. She is very career and family oriented. Having 2.2 kids and 2-car garage is goals she has had. Where just living my life and being happy pretty much is my goal in life.

So I got back to my parents and jotted her off an email to kind of explain some things and also let her know….that I am happy with who I am and that if she had any questions that I would be happy to share with her.

Okay now on to Him…

I missed Him like crazy when I did not get to talk to him on Friday and then Saturday we did not talk until it was almost Sunday. Then He called me on Sunday and we chatted for a little while. He has some control. And I like it so far but I am of course reacting to it. He is very into micromanagement. And I have been pretty independent…and in control especially the last 4 years. I have had small doses of control the last 4 years but nothing like he will want. I have not had his level of control actually since I was with Don. Don micromanaged me…and at the beginning of our relationship….I actually just kind of fell into where it felt so safe and secure.

This time…since we are long distance right now of course it is very different then what it will be like everyday with him. *Gulp* So, right now….this level I am reacting. I also am…pushing Him away. I get scared and push. I hate that I do that….and I sometimes see it happening and other times I don’t.

He though…does not scare easy. And does not stand for it. He gets frustrated with me but He always seems to come through on top. He is firm but compassionate. I just know I frustrate Him as He is trying to get to know me and we are going along all steady and then I throw out this hurtles for us to get over…

And He does not understand why it is happening or what to do as He does not know me fully yet. So, He has had to think fast on His feet. It is very much a learning tool for both of us.

A lot of my mental and emotional process of being owned, being controlled and micromanaged have been going on for the last month, even if not expressed. And so now those feelings and thoughts will start coming out most likely.

I really like Him. He is very nice and that scares me of course. He is nice but he is very sadistic but of course my mind forgets that at times. He is the man that wants to hold me and kiss me and snuggle up in front of a fire with a bottle of wine…but I also need to remember He is the man that wants to keep me in a hood and cage for days on end. He wants to bind me up and throw me in the trunk of his car to travel. He is the man that wants to make me piss on myself and drink his piss also. He is the man that wants to use and abuse me at his whim. Why don’t I remember that? Because he is nice. I mean I see his sadism come out….but His compassion for me….is very evident also. He is very free in expressing how He feels about me in affectionate terms.

It was something that actually was very hard for me to get used to….the affection. It is something I have always sought out, but not found….with the other things that I also want.

I took a break from my journal entry to watch Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html).

I really like that show! I have not watched it since moving in with Bill and Lisa but used to watch it with Kam.

Last night I had to sleep on the floor because I was being punished for basically forgetting my place with Him. While I slept, I dreamt of course of Don, as today is the 31st. And then what was strange was I dreamt of Monseigneur E also. Which kind of surprised me.

But I woke thinking of him and it that led me to the line of thought of how people can just not care.

When I commit to someone I give them a lot of myself and put them into my life right away….is that wrong? I just have felt that is HOW it should BE. But now…I wonder if that is why I have such problems letting go….because I put people into my life much more then others put others in their lives. Monseigneur E and Linda I am sure have not given me much of a second thought – or that is at least how it feels to me. But I still think of them at least once a day.

I miss conversations with both of them. Why am I not talking to them? Hmm because how he and I left things….it was when he wanted to message/talk/email/chat that he could contact me. But that I wanted to give him time after that last convo until he was ready. And so my thoughts are either he is not ready or he just does not want to deal with it. Linda when I have chatted with her since then it has been very chit chatty and slow. So I am not sure how to get beyond that.

On to next topic….

I am nervous about meeting Soulhuntre and Kimiko when they come to SMART Fest. I have been trying to push it off and pretend like I am not meeting them lol

Silly reasons I am getting nervous too. I mean reasons *I* should not be getting nervous about as I have always been very comfortable with myself.

Okay what else should I ramble about…

I miss my friends…they are getting together of course tonight, as it is New Years Eve. And I am missing out! * pouting*

Just some good things that I like right now…

Michael Parks – he is an artist I am really getting into lately. I have meditated to some of his images. I focus on the image and just kind of lose myself in it and it slows everything down and so I can come back to center.

Here are some sites of his works….

The World of Michael Parkes ~ http://www.theworldofmichaelparkes.com/

Kaleidoscope Gallery ~ http://www.kgallery.com

Pierside Gallery ~ http://www.piersidegallery.com/artists/parkes/

Artcyclopedia ~ Michael Parkes ~ http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/parkes_michael.html

Tomorrow – New Year’s Day FX (http://www.fxnetworks.com/main.html) is having a Buffy Marathon (http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/buffy.html) of the first season I think….so that could be cool to watch. I would really like the first season on DVD well the 2nd and 3rd too but 1st is the one I want first lol

Sixpence None the Richer (http://www.sixpence-ntr.com/) ~ I have their newest cd – Divine Discontent. From Dizzy….

I gave you myself
it's all that I have
broken and frail
I'm clay in your hands
and spinning I can see all


Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html) of course just as another reminder : )

Pottery Barn(http://www.potterybarn.com/) catalog

Cable Modem as it is sucking on being on dial up at my parents.

Okay….so…on to my Buddhist wisdom for the day…

Meditation is running into reality. It does not insulate you from the pain of life. It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and go beyond suffering. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Well first I am going to do the Friday Five....and then some writing after that....

Friday Five

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

One is not standing out more then any other...I see a few big accomplishments in my life this year....closing some doors on my past. Not justifying betrayal. Moving on with my life (and if you think this is about you when you read this you are wrong - now i can't get that Carly Simon song out of my head lol). I guess this will sound strange but I am proud of my business...I closed it but I am very proud of what I did with it. And how hard I worked for it. Hmmm finding my center though probably was the biggest thing I did this year though. I am glad I am back to my center....'bout damn time! :)

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

biggest...hmm I can think of a few things again one does seem to be a neon light over the rest though...but still going to list some of the others. Finding out my best friend had been betraying me pretty much tops out my list though. Closing my business. Not going on the trail visit with Monseigneur E and Linda. Frustrations in almost all my relationships this past year.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No

4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?

I will most likely be here in Minnesota with my family. And yesssssssss I wish I would be someplace else that night...I wish I was in Colorado. *grins*


5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?

No not really..I pretty much usually stay at home on New Year's Eve. How ironic that this year....seems to be the first year I have ever wanted to celebrate and I can't be with Him and celebrate. New Year's Eve is an anniversary for me so usually I stay at home, watch some movies and try to relax. But this year I don't feel the usual anxiety of that evening...what it represents. I am very happy about that. I just wish I was with Him or in Ohio to celebrate with friends.

The tradition I created with Kam was....making crab ragoon and szcheshaun chicken (i know i am not spelling that right) for dinner and then watching movies and drinking a few mudslides or just some baily's on the rocks or in hot cocoa.


Okay well.....lets see what do I want to talk about...

Thursday morning we got up early to go hit after Christmas sales. We got some good stuff. We hit Target, Kohls and then a Christian book store...yes really :)

I got one of my favorite's cd....Sixpence None the Richer...they are a Christian band. I found that out several months ago. I really like their music.

Well instead of my Dad being the first to talk to me about something "confrontational" - my Mom was the first. Today she told me when I opened my tarot set that she felt evil prickles with it. No...I am not kidding. *rolls eyes* I told her well it made me feel very calm. She then had to explain that she would pray for me as it is evil. I then explained to her that I thought she was being closed and she is going by what she has been taught by the "church" instead of thinking and feeling on her own. And that the evil prickles she feels is not what is real...it is her own fears of it that she is feeling prickles from not calming of the tarot cards. I explained to her that the I-Ching read I have used before is a Christian. And that I felt she had lots of positive and healing energy. She was just a very comforting healing person and that if she did not use that...she would be wasting the gift God gave her. Anyway, it was a whole discussion I did not want to have...but it the first of a few more....I will have I am sure.

So, yet again I am going to be on some pray list for doing evil things. lol wow if she only knew what my life is really like....she would not be very happy. But it is my life...as I have told my Dad several times before and I am sure I will again.

Tomorrow I leave to go see my other Grandma...in North Dakota. We are only going for the weekend. We are bringing one Grandma back to her home and then visiting the other on the way back. The way home stuck in a car with my parents for several hours alone without my sisters I am dreading. So...I hope that I have all the positive energy from my friends coming my way....and my sphere in place.

I am looking forward to seeing my Grandma. I have thought lots of my Grandpa lately.

Those that...have passed do they see what is going on with the person now? I mean that is what I have been thinking about...wondering if my Grandpa see my life as it is now. And if so....I start to feel ashamed with parts of it...probably strangely enough....not the parts most people would think of...

I am not ashamed of my job I have had...I am not ashamed of my Master/slave relationships, I am not ashamed I am a masochist....

I am ashamed of relationships, mistakes, failures, and things like that.

Last year I felt more comfortable with my family. This year I don't feel comfortable and maybe that is because my life is still pending where last year with my business at least I had a focus and I was doing good. And just was very confident about my "whole" life. Where this year I am scared...I am confident but scared. Last year I was not scared.

Today Moni called :) I was happy to hear from her. I miss our talks and quality time.

I have been talking to Him a least once a day on the phone or online...if not more. He and I have had some interesting talks of the future. It all is very scary.

But it feels very good too.

We talked about something that had happened to me recently and how I have quickly got that under control and in perspective. I had not looked at like that.

The level of control He seeks....scares me and makes me feel hope of a good future. I was reading through old emails to and from Him. And they are amazing. I am still doing the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" thing and also I try to fight what it...or push Him away and scare Him...He does not seem to scare easy. :) I am very lucky for that fact.

I thought of M quite a few times today. Not sure why...he would just pop up in my brain. I miss him I guess is the word that is coming to mind.

Well I am going to post this and then talk to Him...as he just messaged me *big smile*

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Compassion is the willingness to play in the field of dreams even though you are awake. -Matthew Flickstein, "Swallowing the River Ganges"

Merry Christmas!

I had a nice day today....but most of my thoughts drifted towards being with Him next year and hoping that I would be owned by next Christmas and in the relationship I have always dreamed of....to be a slave...serving my Master.

Christmas has brought me lots of good presents....not sure .....why I have gotten so lucky in that respect....I have good family and friends that always treat me so good. I am very very lucky! I spent today with my family and extended family. We ate, opened presents, ate, played games, ate, laughed and just had a good time :) I called Bill and Lisa today....Lisa was not available so I talked to Bill...sounds like Ohio is getting dumped on with snow. Here it is barely covering the grass. This year though...I was not as concerned with a white christmas as a normally fret about it.

I talked with Him on the phone last night....we got some things worked out.....as far as the miscommunications we were having on Monday night. He felt the wall up last night when He signed on....I did not mean to put it up so tight but...I just get scared I am going to get hurt again.

Something that has come up.....from our disagreement the other night.....is does a slave "deserve" anything/something? My answer was yes....why? Because I am human and my ONLY need is NOT pleasing and serving. I do expect things back. Is that wrong? I guess I don't feel it is....

I have clearly outlined what I seek.....and if the person is not that then we might as well stop wasting each others time. Now let me STRESS...I am not saying I am wasting time with Him. I know I am not....but His view pretty much is....I don't deserve anything. Yet He is a very compassionate man.

I am going through a stressful time here at my parents. My Dad has not said anything yet...and he might not but....he probably will say something eventually. Because of the stress....I wanted something....something He is controlling right now....and He said no. I said I felt I deserved it. Now was that the right thing to say....probably not worded quite the way it should have been. So then came the conversation of do I deserve anything...does a nothing deserve anything. Well 1) I am not a nothing in my mind yet. 2) I am not a slave yet either....as I am enslaved as I am not with Him to be enslaved 3) I am a human girl wanting certain things out of life....and I do expect them. Plus...I am human going through some stress...it is Christmas time....and I have went through lots lately so why don't a deserve something fun? I don't see a reason why not.

It is times like this I really question weather I am a submissive at all.

Yet I put on a skirt today thinking of Him and knowing that is what He likes. My Mom and Dad got me sweats and a sweatshirt and I told my sister I was going to exchange them for a down throw blanket....because I don't wear sweats. I know I will never be allowed to wear them....so there is not a point in having them. I have had a pair that I have not wore probably for 2 years anyway. Most of those I have been with did not like me to wear pants and really I am a girly girl and don't wear pants that often anyway.

I have wore skirts the whole time here....and everyone keeps telling me if I am cold why don't I put pants on. I just say I am fine with the blanket or I wear tights and that helps too.

Sooooooooooooo I question wether or not I am submissive yet I purposely wear skirts to please Him....so that shows I am.....

So what am I exactly? A selfish submissive who wants things her way when she wants? ugghh I hope not. And part of me knows that is not true. With previous owners I had to do things I did not like all the time and did them.

I am not sure what I am...I just know I do feel I am a pretty good girl...and deserve some nice things in my life...after the life I have had....I deserve to be happy. I know I expect my life to be a certain way...because I have worked hard to figure out what I want and need and so I go after that. And I will have what I have been seeking!



Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Tuesday This-N-That

1. Opening presents...rip 'em open with all abandon, or carefully open, preserving the pretty paper for recycling?
rip them open...save all the gift bags though and recycle them
2. Do you and yours take turns, opening one gift at a time, or does everyone just rip into everything at the same time?
we go oldest to youngest
3. If you get something you don't like...do you try to return it, or keep it so as not to hurt the giver's feelings?
return it
4. Do you spend the holiday at home (yours or someone else's), or do you go out and eat, see the newest movie, whatever?
go home to my parents...or try to at least and this year i am at my parents.....we stay at home....with family...and extended family
5. What do you do with Christmas cards after the holiday is over? Save them, or toss them?
save those from my love interest and some memorable ones from family and friends...those that really touched me
6. Cook Christmas dinner, or does someone else do that?
my Mom cooks Christmas dinner mostly...sometimes an aunt.
7. It's Christmas Eve, and you have run out of wrapping paper. Do you go out and buy more, or wrap the rest of the gifts in the Sunday comics?
make it...if i run out....newpaper panited, brown paper bags painted or drawn on. Comics and then red and green ribbons to make it christmasy
8. On Christmas morning...up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating the loot...or would you rather sleep in?
open presents Christmas Eve
9. Do you want a white or a green Chrismas?
white
10. Going to church on Christmas...yes or no?
Christmas Eve...yes
Well tonight we went to church, came home ate some appetizers and then opened presents.....I enjoyed being with my family. :)

Tomorrow's horoscope says....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may be pickier in your own fantasies and dreams now than you are in reality. In fact, you may be so self-critical of your unexpressed ideas that you wonder if it’s really worth the effort to share them. You’ll never know if you don’t try. If you’re willing to entertain the possibility that you are being too hard on yourself, then, at least you’ll have a chance.

Interesting huh?

Last night Him and I got in kind of a hmm disagreement I guess and when we do....it always seems to be right before we are about to sign off and go to bed. And so then I go to bed feeling very alone and upset. I am one of those people that does not like to go to bed with arguments hanging out in the air....I think they should be resolved before going to bed, but with Him they are not. *shrugs* Not that disagreements are really are not big things..not things that are make or break it deals. They are actually a lot about sex and masturbation lol But they are still disagreements.

One of my gifts from Grumbler and wench was a Osho Zen Tarot set and I did a reading tonight and it was kind of odd. I could tell that there was that disagreement hanging in the air in the reading. So that was kind of interesting.

My card for me was interesting card... a man balancing on stepping stones - swirls with a faint cityscape. Meant balanced and living moment to moment....seeing that is right now and not looking back or forward just living right now.

Last night I went to dinner with my family and some aunts and uncles. It was a *very* nice place. It was very good too.

I had a migraine today...so that was not fun. I know it is because I did not sleep well at all last night. So tonight I just feel out of it because of the headache.

I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas....full of joy and blessings!

Monday, December 23, 2002

Well I am at my parents....on my sisters computer to be safer :) This will be a very vanilla entry I am sure so beware! LOL :)

First though....I want to wish my best friend Moni...a very Happy Birthday!

Now on to the vanilla entry :)

Here is my horoscope for today.....
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): There may be some stress between your social obligations and your basic needs. Your feelings are rather strong now, but as emphasized as they are, you may not have anywhere to safely express them. So, instead of embarrassing yourself by revealing too much, you hold it all behind an apparent wall of conservative talk. But we know what’s really going on behind your wall.

I told Him yesterday I meditated yesterday to put some walls in place so that if my Dad decides to "talk" with me then I would be ready. I feel stronger because of the walls. I am not sure they are walls of blocking things out exactly but more of walls of strength and postive energy to help me be "zen" (as Nick would say) so that when he does talk to me I am clear and calm.

I told my Mom and sisters some about Him. My Mom did not say much...I am sure she is wondering where it will go with someone far away.

Today I slept in then got up and had some homemade lesfe (not sure spelling that right) and some piece of homemade banana bread too with my Dad. And then chatted with my sisters for a while before heading off to take my shower. I am sitting here in rollers LOL (rag curls for anyone that knows what those are). I got a very soft and romantic outfit yesterday and am going to wear that tonight for dinner with my extended family. I am looking forward to seeing everyone but I always have a little anxiety before we all get together.

My life is so different from all of my families. I am living for me as so many seem to be living as what is expected or how it should be.

I saved all my wrapping of presents until I got here so I did that just a before signing online.

One of my sisters and I Cubed my other sister last night and want to cube Mom and Dad. My one sister knew about the Cube - and she got out a book that is kind of like that and now I want that book too. I can't remember the title at the moment but will get it from her before I leave. (the Cube is a book that is a game that I love but don't mention lots here as I don't like to give it away.)

Well I am going to go meditate and read a little before having to get ready for our big dinner.


Sunday, December 22, 2002

Okay this post is going to be a little neurotic. I will be okay….I just am overwhelmed with going to my parents. I feel kind of out of sorts tonight. I am sure it is just because of my visit.

I am very nervous about seeing my parents. Not my Mom really but my Dad. He just knows how to say the wrong thing to me. He seems to always. He has never approved of my life but really has NEVER understood my life. So, really how can he say he does not approve of it? Not that he would I am sure lol

I am not sure why this year seems to be more…nerve racking. Last year I was very calm when I visited them. I should be packing and finishing up things and I don’t want to. I don’t want to go my parents and I do. I want to see them but I should have made it a shorter visit….maybe.

Update on life to get my mind off…of my going to my parents.

I chatted with M for quite a bit online tonight instead of doing the things I needed tonight.

Now I am chatting with Nick. He is giving me a pep talk about going to my parents.

This week has been okay…I have been procrastinating though. I had lots to do and did not do most of it. I am still feeling lightness even…though I am overwhelmed right now.

Friday night I went to a play party. It was nice as usual. I did not play but at the end did ask someone if he would like to play sometime. He asked me about switching…*smiles* I just can’t. I am very sadistic but not with men. I would be worrying if I hit him to hard lol He is a masochist so for sure that would not be a good experience for him.

It is Moni’s birthday on Monday and since I am not going to be here I gave her - her birthday present early. I got her a signed copy of Hand in a Bush by Deborah Addington. It is a book on fisting *grins* I think Katrina was happy with my birthday present lol

I had not spent much time with Moni lately and so we needed some quality time. We did not have much time but I am very glad we were able to have some time together.

I can’t believe it is going to be 2003 soon.

I will be at my parents for 2 weeks and not sure how much…or even if I will be able to post at all to my journal while there. Just not sure. I am bringing my handwritten journal of course because I can’t live without writing.

Well I think I need to go have a good cry and finish packing….lol

Friday, December 20, 2002

Friday Five

1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?

Christmas....My family opens presents on Christmas Eve. We have dinner, go to church, come home and open presents.

2. What was the best gift you have ever received?

hmmm best gift....my ruby ring from my ex-husband. It meant a lot to me how he gave it to me. Why he gave it to me and it was just very beautiful.

3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?

A pink sweatshirt with bears on it that carried signs that said shop til you drop and born to shop on them *cringing*

4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?

I will be celebrating the holiday's with my family. I am going to Minnesota to be with them :)

5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?

Morgan...because I never got to spend a Christmas with her. I miss her and love her very much still.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

I feel that lightness that I have always had…there but it is like the clouds are finally fading.

I feel good and positive.

Depression seems to be lifting. I have lots to do in my life but I am not worried about it…it feels like things will come together for me.

I am tired but know that…peace is coming soon.

I have lots to do…this week. I leave on Sunday morning for my parents.

A while back I received a post on an email group about sub vs. slave. And basically describing what this person thought the difference between the two.

It said that for a submissive it was about control and guidance. And for a slave it was about obedience. Okay…I can kind of see that. But I also then think I am both. What I did not agree with…was this person said that…a submissive did not really “care” if she did not please or was punished. And I want control and guidance. But I am obedient….to a fault almost. Not really a fault…it is…that I just put my duty….my code…when I commit to a D/s relationship means I am giving all. And even if I don’t agree and even if it goes against my basic principles of who I am…I need to obey. If I did not trust that person to run my life….then I should not have put myself in his hands is my view. I say that because I hear the people that go well what if he told you to jump off the Superior Street Bridge would you…well the catch is you don’t commit and submit to someone that you do not trust.

This past weekend….I went to Detroit. It was a pretty short and easy trip. I did not spend lots of time with j talking or hanging out because she was sick. I mostly took care of her and then did some grocery shopping and cooking for her and her Master. On Saturday I went to a party and the people I met there last time said I was glowing.

And then I had someone say that on Monday too. I guess I am right now : )

There was one woman there….that omg….I was drooling! LOL She is a bbw and she just had it all going on…yummy! I stood there imagining being between her legs. Really I did. *blushes* I was very horny this weekend too. lol

Monday on my way back I went to a SMART meeting. I don’t think people get what goes on to run a BDSM organization. People just want to come, socialize, maybe see something neat or learn something and then leave. They think someone else will run it…and that they don’t want too. But it is always the same people that seem to help out. I wish more people would get INVOLVED! Okay ending the mini-rant : )

Tuesday I was a bum really I was….I was tired and tried catching up on sleep. I have not crashed yet from my….odd sleeping schedule yet. And that worries me. But maybe I will sleep while at my parents but probably not…I usually don’t feel comfortable to sleep there. I know odd.

I talked to Ray on the phone last night. That was nice. I had not talked to him on the phone in a while. He is a good friend . After I talked to him…I then talked with a friend in Minnesota online. We talked about meeting up when I am there. And then I talked with Nick. It was a serious talk.

It was needed though….I had to be honest with him and myself. It was so hard…as I care for Nick a lot and I did not want to lose him. And I did not because he is a GREAT guy : )

Wrote all the above on Wednesday….

Going to talk about my thinking/decision making process some….

I go for weeks with an issue in the back of my mind….it is there and I am mulling it over and over and over. I often don’t talk about it out loud. I just keep it there and say okay this is my decision. And thus people in my life feel I am making a decision fast, when in fact I had been making the decision for weeks.

My life might seem chaotic but really every decision I make is very conscious and controlled. It is the control freak of me that does not - talk about my issues.

Going to post this but I have lots I need to write about….well at least it feels like it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Monday Mission

1. So, what do you want for Christmas this year that you probably won't get?

The thing I want...I know I will get in the New Year :)

2. What do you know you will be receiving for Christmas this year?

A plane ticket home...I have not seen my family in a year so that will be good.

3. If you had the means to do so, what presents would you get some of your fellow bloggers? Be specific, it's more fun that way!

I would give everyone understanding and peace. This last year was not the best one for many people in my life....and I want to give them a better year this year. I know I am being mushy, corny and so on....but it is true.

4. Do you support any organizations that provide for the less fortunate during the holidays? Or do any volunteer work?

I have always given money to various charities this will be the first year I don‘t have the money to in a while.

5. Each year about this time, I notice Church attendance seems to spike, then drops off sharply after Christmas. It tickles me that these folks think they are pulling a fast one on the Big Guy. What is the most recent thing guilt has motivated you to do?

I don't think people think they are pulling a fast one do you? hmm I think they are maybe inspired to go....this time of the year maybe brings them closer to their spirituality? Okay well at least I can hope that is the reason. I don't go to church....but I am spiritual and I guess I don't see the need to go to church to show what I believe in.

Okay to answer the question....telling Him something.

6. According to the commercials, the only way to truly tell someone you love them on Christmas day is to let them "Unwrap a Jaguar" automobile. Are there any examples of excessive commercialism and/or blatant disregard for the "Christmas Spirit" that really get under your skin?

I guess what I don't like is movies that don't release their DVD/video until right before the holiday because they know it will make them extra money. Good marketing yes but it just annoys me.

7. I remember a song where the singers wished they could teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. What would you like to teach the world?

understanding

BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

No I am not sure they do.


Tuesday This-n-That

1. Christmas dinner: turkey or ham (or something else)? My preference would Turkey but my family usually on Christmas Day has Brisket or Prime Rib
2. Candy canes or chocolate? Chocolate of course
3. Fruit basket or fruitcake? Fruit basket
4. Mulled cider or mulled wine? Mulled cider *yummy*
5. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate
6. Holiday cookies: homemade or store-bought? Homemade
7. Roasting chestnuts or popping corn? Popping corn
8. On the buffet table: veggie platter or cheese tray? Veggie platter preferably with red peppers :)
9. Apple or pumpkin pie? Pumpkin
10. Christmas Day breakfast: before or after gift-opening? Cinnamon rolls....and we open presents Christmas Eve :) But eat the cinnamon rolls after getting stockings

Monday, December 16, 2002

Just a quickie to say I am back in Ohio....took a quick trip to Detroit. :) I will write more later on Tuesday. I think I have lots to come out and play! *grin* I am happy :)

Friday, December 13, 2002

Okay time for an update of life….

Wednesday night Lisa and I went and had dinner with Moni and then went and hung out - talked and did tarot readings. The only part of mine that really made complete sense to me was the…

It was 3 of Pentacles - building - achievements…

And I have been building and that is good : )

I enjoyed hanging out with Lisa and Moni…it was good girl time!

Thursday…

Well…what to say about Thursday. *smiles* I had a date….we went to dinner and talked and talked. And well then…I got f*cked. And I needed it very very much. It has been too long. I got used and it was very nice. I wish he lived closer or came to town more often….because I had a really nice time.

Oh a cute story…we were at the restaurant and the waitress asked if we were married because we were sitting there really close looking at each other so intensely. And we smiled and laughed and said no she said “oh just dating….well you both are just the cutest couple.”

I was flying very high last night after the date…had a really nice time. And really just enjoyed myself and really enjoyed being with him. It was just a good night. I needed that…kind of time…and not sure I can explain it. It was different and nice. And today it almost feels like I am crashing. Maybe not used it? I am not sure.

Friday…

Well, I am suppose to be leaving for Detroit today but I have not heard from j. She said she would write me.

When talking with….Him…we discussed how much I hang on to my past. And I really am going to work hard to let go of my past. I know I hang on to it. And I admitted to myself that it is time to let go of it all…and I took some first steps to that this morning with His help. He says He is my future…and everything points to it. I just am very scared. But I need to look to the future. And look at where I am going instead of where I have been. I knew that all along but maybe it is because I have a future to look forward to right now…a future that seems to be in my reach this time. *crossing fingers and toes* : )

I just know I need to let go of the pain…disappointment.

One of His tarot cards this morning….was just so… scary on it. All of His have been…it really really scares me.

WOMAN OF SWORDS This person has had her disappointments in life. The card implies she is sad because she has been let down in some way. But she will learn to give love and affection again. She has a strong will, a powerful mental agility and insight with the determination and wisdom to gain strength which will enable her to cope with any loss or sorrow.

That sounds like me….and He agreed.

I fall so fast and been hurt lots. Him and I seem to be going fast too. But too much seems so right with Him. No red flags, no doubts about Him, no major areas that I am talking myself into Him…because I like the rest….just everything has fallen into place very naturally. And it scares me a lot. The dynamics is so different now then it has ever been.

But the whatif’s do plague me. I was looking at my book on Tarot and I don’t get this card lots but…it is what jumped out at me today. It is the Hanging Man. The description it gave is that the hanging man tends to base his life on faith instead of taking control of his own destiny. And I have been really like that…I have just had faith that my life will turn out.

So….is it time to create my own reality? To make all I dream of…come true?

I had 3-card tarot reading the other night on romance…

It said my hearts desire was the Hermit. And the Hermit came up again when I asked about him. I think maybe the Hermit card represents Him. The hermit has power and authority. He is sometimes a loner. It also means that all answers are with in Him. And then it said….and this is so good the challenge was the Justice card. Well the justice card is a Libra….and I am a Libra. So I am the one that challenges me. I am the one who stops me. I am the one who seeks balance yet puts obstacles in the way. And then the last card was for what favors me…and that was the Moon card. That card represents mystery, things in flux, illusions, occult forces and isn’t that truth LOL I have had lots of mystery, lots of things pending and chaotic, lots of illusions and more and more I see…myself as person who has some very intuitive things going on inside me.

Which made me remember something…Lisa had a reading the other night. She had a question in mind but the cards seemed to be talking about another thing. She did not tell Moni or I the subject she wanted to find answers to. While Moni was telling her reading…I thought about Caroline Myss. And I thought it was kind of strange why I thought of that right then…but did think about getting a book for Lisa about Chakras would be a good present. So on the way home she said that the tarot reading did not answer what she wanted it to. And she told me and I was like oh your reading was answering that question. And that is why I thought of Chakras and Myss because that realized to her question. So that was kind of eerie and cool at the same time.

Again as I have said many times I need to start listening to those things more.

Okay now on to some good stuff…

I can’t believe the fantasies that have been going through my head…

I cum very easily. I even have female ejaculate….or more affectionately known by me squirting. I for some reasons have lots of fantasies of being pushed to that edge and not being allowed to cum. I have lots of fantasies of being not allowed pleasure but anyone that knows me ummm intimately *grin* knows I am such a slut. I love pleasure. I love to be touched…my reactions to being touched…are very genuine. I love to given pleasure. I love to be fingered, rubbed, f*cked in my cunt and ass. I just want it all. I cum with just words of degradation. I cum with pain….my breasts being squeezed and twisted. I cum by just being spit on….

Okay…I want all those things and have had all those things and really really like it…

Oh how I like those things! LOL I am having a mini orgasm just thinking about those things *blush*

Up until last night…I had been craving to be denied. And right now…I want more pleasure.

My fantasies of being denied…

Being pushed to the edge. I have fantasies of being f*cked in ass and mouth and not being allowed to have anything in my cunt. Being told….how much of a slut and whore I am and why would anyone want my cunt. I have fantasies of being chained to a bed, blindfolded, earplugs, and gag….and I will be touched and brought really close to the edge and then He stops and just walks away leaving me wanting and needing. And it happens over and over…I feel His hot cum hit my body. He leaves it there to dry and then comes back and brings me to that edge again and leaves me and then….again….brings me to the edge…and then leaves again. He then maybe cums again on me. This goes on all day….I am sweaty from getting all worked up, I have His cum all over me and….since I have been there….all day…I have wet myself, and I am soaking wet from being so turned on.

I am then let loose and pushed into the cage and he leaves me there. I am moaning for him to let me to cum. He laughs and at me and pokes me with a stick and says, “What does the whore want?” He pokes harder and I moan from the pain….he opens the cage and has me crawl out and he pushes me down on to all fours and takes me from behind. I am still not allowed to cum. I am screaming from pain of being f*cked so brutally and not being allowed to cum. He cums and tells me to stay on the ground. He comes back and I feel shackles on. And then a hood with gag…I try to scream and beg and plead…as I don’t like a hood on me and shoves me back in cage and then urinates on me. Leaving me there with cum dripping out of my ass and cum dried on my body….my own piss on me and then His….my tears soaking the inside of the hood now as I am scared, dirty, alone….nothing.

Ahhhh…

Nice thoughts!

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Do I want to please and serve someone? Do I want to be owned? Yes, so very very much…

But I am very scared.

No one has really saw me… all of me. They see parts…and never the whole me. Even if I feel I am showing them all of me they never get it…never seem to see who I really am…what I really am about. I show them more and more and they always say….“oh you aren’t scaring me” and then…

A BIG one hits…and then all of sudden interest goes away… and they get scared or don’t want to deal with it…which is really what it is….they don’t want to deal with the issues.

So it is like a test and not even a conscious test….I do something stupid….to sabotage before…things get to the point where they just back off or disappear. I hate that I do that and not even really aware of it until it is already started.

Mistress DM once told me she wanted to help me. And that I need to start asking for help. It is something that is very hard for me. I don’t let people help…and I don’t often ask for help. I have gotten better at asking.

All my friends are there for me. They help…and they would help more…if I let them. But I don’t let anyone in enough to let them help. But I know they would.

When I am interested in someone….they don’t say I want to help you. He did….He said He wanted to help me. He asked me if I wanted His help. It was so hard to say yes. Why does He want to help me? I don’t get why He wants to go through all this to help me.

I push, pull, tug and do all sorts of things to hurt…hurt myself in the end. I realized that with Monseigneur E….more then anyone. I held him at arms length and knew that the only one at that time it was hurting was me.

I always hoped that the one…would not let me pull or push…

But that is not realistic. I mean He is not a mind reader. We have not known each other that long and so He can’t know me.

So, I go and push Him in the deep end with…nothing to stay afloat….

Does He tread water…?

I feel my walls up. I feel them up tight…so I am not sure I can reach out and say….I am sorry come back…

I am not even sure if I can show Him where….the lifesaver ring is….

This always happens…I let them in and I let them into a point and then…it scares me. And then…I can’t do it anymore. And so it is easier to push the person away then…keep going forward.

He does not think I am ready. I am so ready. I see it…I see it so exactly. It took me so long to get here…does He understand that?

I want to give and surrender.

I am just so very scared I will get hurt again.

I am not sure how to be…open. I am not sure how to give, as I want to. I am not sure how to not get scared.

Why do I get scared?

I don’t know how to be happy. I have never been happy so how will it feel? I am scared of that…not knowing how it will feel. I am scared of relying on someone else. I am scared of someone seeing the core. I am scared of him. I am scared of what he will expect and if I can give it. I am scared of not being good enough. I am scared of him not giving me what I need. I am scared of him…pulling me close and making him my world and then he will drop me. I am scared of…my past interfering with my present. I am scared I am not really who I thought I was all this time…

The above was mostly written last night.

Life is scary right now. Everything is going to be okay? Right?

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Fear...not bdsm fun fear. Insecurites....doubts.....those kind of fears...why do they...make a person do stupid things? It does not jusitify it.....I just know what I am doing......and upset with myself at this moment......I always push away the good things.

take free enneagram test


You desire understanding, for people to see the real you. Impetus - deficit and/or excess of understanding in your life experience. Problem - people only understand what is familiar, if you exist outside the norms, few will ever understand you.

Find a place where you are alone. Train yourself in the following way: When you breathe in, experience breathing in. When you breathe out, be fully conscious that you are breathing out. If you cherish and practice this, it will bear great fruit. Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, you will find steadiness, calm, and concentration if you become conscious of your breathing. -Majjhima Nikaya

In the unthinkable, inscrutable, ordinary nature of reality there is no difference between freedom and bondage. No matter what arises, when you perceive your original nature, the joy arises automatically--and what joy! -Shabkar, "The Flight Of The Garuda"

Sunday, December 08, 2002

Abandon anger,
Be done with conceit,
Get beyond every fetter.
When for name & form
You have no attachment
--have nothing at all--
no sufferings, no stresses, invade.

-Dhammapada 17, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu
Not a horoscope I wanted to hear really.... LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your thoughts may drift back to your childhood over the next couple of months as you seek the original source of your current feelings. You are sure that your emotional habits were formed at an earlier time in your life and now you want to methodically dig them up and make some fundamental changes.
Nikki Givoanni - Love Poems

I am hooked on Nikki Givoanni lately. She is a poet. I took a class in college that included some of her works and liked her instantly then. I happened upon her the other night again.

Anyway this morning....reading.....I like this part of the Poem "Resignation"

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you `cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you


isn't that beautiful.....mmm yummy....
I am just getting home and want to do a quickie. It was Carpe Diem's 4th Annual Christmas Party on Saturday night. I was not really looking forward to going as I was going...single even though I was not at the same time. I feel very comfortable with Bill and Lisa. Anyway I was not looking forward to going.....but I am very glad I went. I went to the first two years. Last years I missed and now this year of course I attended. This year....although the past ones I wanted to go more...this year felt the calmest of them. I have very good friends...better friends then anyone could ever ask for...I am so so grateful to them. Each day I wake up and tell 3 things I am grateful for in this world and my friends are always first thing. Without Bill & Lisa, Moni & Michael, Katrina and Sir Laz & Aydeen this past year......well I don't know where I would be without them....I am very lucky.

Thank you everyone! I love you all very very much!

Friday, December 06, 2002

Strangle my Words

I strangle my words as easily I do my tears I stifle my screams as frequently as I flash my smile It means nothing I am cotton candy on a rainy day the unrealized dream of an idea unborn ~ Nikki Giovanni

Wrote Thursday…decided to keep as is even though the horoscopes are outdate now…

Horoscope for today....Rest is important to you today as your imagination is likely to work overtime. You may identify too deeply with any problems which you hear about. You may not let anyone know about this, but they are important to you today.

That horoscope is from a cool site....it sends me a daily tarot and rune reading along with my horoscope :) It is from www.annikin.com The other horoscope that I post here often is from www.beliefnet.com. Here is that horoscope for today...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Something you didn’t complete at home is now back on your list of things to do. It may be that you took charge but never followed through. On the other hand, this may be an emotional issue as a difficult feeling won’t settle down until it gets the attention it deserves.

I get the Daily Buddhist Wisdom from there too. It is something I often put in this journal also.

Well, I have not posted for a few days.....I have been that phase were I don’t want to share. And I had a mini-lecture on Thursday reminding the reasons I started this journal and that the journey I have been on…this place helped me get there.

Sooo that means this is going to be a long entry….

First going to babble about…non-personal things…

I was reading an excerpt from “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake the other night…it is called “Proverbs of Hell”

Some good lines in it….

Dip him in the river who loves water.

That to me is about wanting to be submerged into something….about having such passion and need…that you….want to feel it wrap around you like a cozy blanket on a cold winter night. Maybe it is how to explain obsessions…something I know I have….when I love something, I want to be immersed in it….make it my world. I did that with art at one time. It was my focus and life and passion. Now…I have that same passion in looking for my dream….even though…lately I have had some doubts and depression. But it is part of this time of year for me.

Exuberance is beauty.

Another one to me about passion. Passion is so yummy don’t you think?

Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.

To me this extreme in emotions….something I might know a little about LOL And again goes back to passion for me….having an extreme…passion That deep passion where you absorb yourself into it….brings up all sorts of extreme emotions to me.

Just some good lines I like….or think are interesting….

Eternity is in love with the productions of time.

Prisons are built with stones of law, brothels with bricks of religion.

One thought fills immensity.

The soul of sweet delight can never be defil'd.

So back on topic I guess…

Wednesday I went and had dinner with Moni. And I had the best seafood Alfredo I have ever had….it was spicy Alfredo too so that made it even better. It was just so creamy and spicy and the seafood was so good. Just all so yummy!

We talked quite a bit about various things/relationships in our lives. Back at her place she did a tarot reading….for her and then me. It was called searching/finding. It had 5 cards. And the meaning behind the reading…that I have felt overwhelmed with life. I have lots of things happening and going on. That I am being self-protective and so self-protective that I am becoming resentful and bitter about life…and that is true to an extent. Something that it said that was kind of puzzle but felt right…was it said my fears are my greatest strength. How I took that…when I say it felt right…is that….those fears keep me moving forward. Those fears give me courage in an odd way. Fear is a desire also for me….and so….it keeps me moving forward towards my dream. My cards also said that I am feeling like the dreams it just out of reach and I had been feeling like that. The end goal was security. And that is very true that…is my end goal. Lots of things that add into it….but being secure in the dream is what I want.

Started today….Friday…

Next topic….I don’t like people who play head games. And I have that going on right now. Dreams again…my my how they just get stronger. Just trusting them more too…which is a VERY good thing. I saw it at least and just have decided leave it alone…not going to play…I have much more interesting games going on…fun games…good games. Not stupid *rolls eyes*.

Probably a change coming to the cast list too….well I know there will be….for sure just not sure of what it will be yet….someone added…order rearranged. And maybe a couple people took off the list.

I have not mentioned Nick here in a long time. Nick and I are still….talking. He still wishes to meet me. When that could happen? Not sure and sooooo I have pulled back a lot. I care for him greatly. He is GREAT man. But the waiting was starting to hurt me a lot. He wishes I committed to him like I did before…and part of me wishes that too as he has been really great with teaching me things about myself. And he is fun to talk to…I often smile and laugh when we talk on the phone.

M and I are just friends now….not that I don’t want to be more but we reached a point where I was giving him more trust then he was giving me back. And yeah for me….I have learned from my past and there have been some things with M that were giving me red flags. They are similar red flags that I had with Todd but ignored. So….I have learned my lesson. And actually M is happy that I am not repeating my past but he hates that I am learning it on him and he says he is not lying to me….but….he just has problems trusting. And part of me goes for that….but if he does not trust me then he should not be with me…really. He should be with someone he can trust…easier. So today we said good-bye to the relationship we had. We are going to remain friends though and I am glad about that as he and I have interesting conversations. He is an interesting man. He does not let me hide from myself either.

I am going to miss the interaction that happens between him and I. Even the ones when we would just have coffee or go run errands…and especially the interactions we had when we played. The extreme….brutal way he treated me. The fear was unlike I ever had…and I am not sure that level of fear I will ever have again….because ultimately the path I want to be on….I need to have love and affection as well as fear…and the affection I think changes the fear.

Anyway….it is going to a hard…not see him….as more then friends. But I really need to trust myself on this and be true to myself.

And now…for the thing that is expected but….it is different and yes I have said that before too….

While I was in Detroit I had someone email me…..he actually knows Monseigneur E and Linda real life. (Which just actually kind of blew my mind.) He is on my Ayn’s Place pictures list (link to the side) and has been for over a year. He has read my journal for a while also. Sooo he knows what I am like and still was interested. LOL *smiles*

I am not sure what to say about him…yet. He is really a great man. He is sadistic but has an affectionate side too. He and I seem to be similar in how we think…which helps a lot. We click. He understands what I am saying….it seems. Not constant miscommunications. We discuss lots of different things from D/s to dark side stuff to emotions and everyday life things. So far when I went down the checklist of things I want he has almost everything. I mean it. But of course we have not met real life. When I got to the BDSM check list, the only things he seems to be different on…is bestiality and he will not want to share me…it is not out of the question but it is not something he desires greatly. But…on the other hand…he has been very open minded about the things going on in my life, my job and playing and being with others. They are not needs of course. But they are desires I have….I want to be fucked by a dog. I want to suck on a dog. *blushing* I want to be gang banged again. I want to be lent to other men. I am a slut *grins* I like to experience it all : )

The thing that is going on right now…is of course…I am moving to fast. But it feels like a different kind of fast this time. The process is different though with him then it has been with M or Monseigneur E. There was not really a process with Nick…it just kind of happened….he showed up when I needed him. Not making sense…hope I can figure it out and express it in different words.

I am trying to find things that are wrong with him because….well he is too good. And so I talk to him and wonder why…someone so nice, so great in the things he desires, very interesting….wants to be with me? I am not sure that came out quite right - as it sounds when I read it back I don’t think….much of myself….and well….I do….of course have moments of insecurities of course. Maybe more then a few moments lol And because he does want me…and is not the norm that goes for me….I wonder if he is too good for me and I try to find fault in him because a good guy can’t really like me can he?

Like Moni said the other night if I am looking for it….I will find it…basically I will create it. I am trying to let it go and just be with him but there is this little part of me that wonders what the heck is going on lol

I remember…meeting nice guys when I was young and because they were nice I rejected them. I went after the bad boys. And this person is not a bad boy…he is a nice guy. He is not too nice….He is very firm in what he wants. He does not back down. He wants complete control - to the point of micromanagement. He has a very sadistic dark side that…I like. He also though says, “good girl” and “I am proud of you” - not from a dating relationship (even though I can see him doing that too) standpoint but from a Dominant. Even though he would readily tell me those things as a man and lover. I am not sure I can explain the difference.

Desires….that he and I have talked about…

I have lots of Daddy/little girl and baby fantasies that I have not shared with many people. And I have shared them with him….because I saw that interest in him. And the things we have discussed regarding them….mmmmmmmm We have talked about the pacifiers I have…and baby bottle…and other things that are for a baby. We have talked about little girl things….too. And I just get those warm fuzzies inside.

Other desires….we share…

I have a desire to be locked in a cage no way out and left…the person doing this to me is at work or taking in a movie whatever but left with no way out. Similar thought…being locked in a closet.

I had daydream the other day that I just got permission to share…

I thought of Him taking me doing errands and everywhere we go he has me drink something. He has me drink lots and lots. And I needed to use the rest room then at some point and was not given permission. I would beg and plead and he would say no and keep on walking or doing what he was like I was not even there.

He was setting me up to fail and as we were walking out to his car he said…“are you going to make it home?” I looked down and he shook his head in disgust at me. He said, "Fine I will put some plastic over my seat so you don't ruin them you stupid fuck flesh" He grabbed my head pulled me close and said..."You are worthless" and the look in his eyes...the fear it created in me.

We got in the car and he decided basically I was going to fail and so he decided to take a drive. I would beg..."please please Sir please lets stop so I can use a restroom please please" He pulled into a gas station...he took in a cup you had in the car one of those travel mugs. And he came back and told me to drink...I took a drink and realized it was his piss he had went in there and went pee but....were not allowing me and filling me with more liquids. He had that and then also had another drink in his hand. He said drink both. I looked at him. You called me by my name and said, "I don't want to hear your fucking whining you stupid cunt" *blushing* I drank them both.

I started to cry....and squirm.... He said..."worthless piece of shit going to pee herself" I was crying...and then I could not hold it anymore and let it out...I felt the warmth spread out...on my tights and skirt. I looked away from him and he grabbed my hair and pulled me too look at him. He said..."don't look away..." Using my name in there too…again making me realize it was me…and not able to separate it into a role. He said he wanted to see my humiliation and realization of that I was nothing but what he wanted me to be.... I nodded....he drove more and more making me sit in it....squirm in it as it made me wet and turned on.

We got home and he had me get out and then lick the plastic clean. We went in and he made me kneel down and suck his cock before letting me out of my wet clothes. He then stood me up and pushed me against the wall so my backside was facing you. He laughed and made fun of me for peeing myself. He made me tell him I was a bad girl for peeing on myself. I said it over and over and finally I was on my knees kissing your feet begging to be punished for being a bad girl. He had me take my clothes off and the wetness still kind of there and he took a cane and caned me until I collapsed to my knees crying. He then brought me into his arms and got me up and walked me to the bathroom and put me in a warm bath while he sat there....stroking my hair. Telling me I was a good girl.

Lots of different desires going on there…humiliation, peeing on myself a desire I have had for a very long time, being made to fail, being told I am bad, being punished for something I was set up to fail at….and being loved and taken care of too.

He loved the fantasy and I know he would have no problem…making it a reality. And that scares me and excites me so much.

You noticed I have not mentioned a name yet. I am still mulling it over….he and I discussed it last night and I know his preferences. So just trying to choose between them.

I am going to end this long entry but….

I have another coming about slave vs. sub, begging, and other desires…as I am going to open up and talk about them more here now.

Edit: 6/13/09 so I was searching for something in my blog and came across some blogger anomalies...where it reordered entries. This one is one of them. It put it in 2003 but that wouldn't be possible since I was living with Master in 2003 and this entry is just starting to talk about him. So reading entries I think this is about right but it might be off by a week or so. - Also blogger didn't allow for titles back before 2003 so I am going to be going back and add titles as it makes it easier to scroll through and see where entries start and end.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

This is my horoscope for Friday..... :) You have been more thoughtful of late, and have begun to be more true to yourself. This is due to your own recent introspection. Yes, Danae, you really can change your life. All it takes is time and commitment. You have made great progress in your personal development. Continue on this path and you will wind up in a much better place. Keep your eye on the goal, but don't be so focused that you forget to enjoy the journey.

I am a proud little girl right now....because....it is very true. I am really being more true to myself...and I can feel myself moving to a better place as long as I don't let my fears take over.

I will have a long long blogger entry coming tomorrow. I have had lots going on that I am finally able to share freely....I look forward to it even.

Monday, December 02, 2002

I have had a pretty eventful day...

Took a walk with the dog, meditated, did some visualization and then masturbated :) Fun day :) I still have a cold that is hanging on and not appreciating that.

I was thinking about being locked in a cage for long term...how that would be? boring? scary? exciting? mmm all the above :)

I had a conversation with someone about this recently. I don't have a problem with being locked in a cage while a person would be out of the house. Is that SSC? well probably not to most :) Is it RACK? Yes it is...I am aware of the risks I am taking by consenting to that. But the thought is very exciting. In this conversation the person talked about his pets. His pets’ stay locked up in his house everyday while he is at work. How is this really different? It is not. I mean we risk a pets life by leaving them alone in a cage then....okay I hear people saying you are human though. Yes I am but....I know when I was married our dog was my baby and she was one of my most important companions in my life...one of my most important possession and I left her locked in my house all day. I guess I just see it as similar....

And also if we add in my dark desires....

Welllllll then I want to be less then the pets....so being locked up in a cage while the pets roam free in the house sound very delightful to me *blushing*

And on that thought I am going to go work on SMART Fest things. Oh and on that note I found out that....someone I talk to online and have long time respected is going to come with her Owner to be speakers at SMART Fest....I am still smiling about that. I can't wait to meet her :)

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Hiding

I have been hiding out a lot lately. It is what I think I needed. Bill and Lisa have been teasing me that if sunlight start bothering me they are going to get a little nervous lol I actually went out with them though today. And I am very thankful for them getting me out of the house.

Bill and Lisa bought me a Christmas Bear to help….combat my missing Ellington. I really am missing Ellington right now.

I watched Queen of the Damned with them the other night. I really liked it. I wish I had read the book though right before I watched it….instead of years and years and years ago lol I liked the music in the movie also. Some of the scenes were….so sensual to me…mostly the ones that involved blood for some reason lol I liked this Lestat much better! I only read the first 4 books in the Anne Rice Vampire series….but when I read them Queen of the Damned has been a favorite of mine.

I am not sure I commented on this last month and I needed to….I am sure if it is already gone on the newsstands or not….but Playboy…for December’s issues…..had Dita in it and on the cover. She is a fetish model. I really really liked the pictures : ) She is so yummy! I got the next issue and that has Tia Carrera on the front. She is just not my type for some reason.

I talked about Morgan last night. I miss her so much.

Morgan is someone I was involved with when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. She was bigger then life…to me. I was involved with her my freshman year of college. She died while I was involved with her. She was in a car accident.

I often go through my life and think…I wonder what Morgan would think or say. I wonder if she would like….so and so. I wonder what it would feel like to have her do some of things that have been done to me.

I long for her touch and to look into her eyes right before I kiss her soft red lips. I long to breath her name…as we make love on a Sunday afternoon. *soft smile*

I am not sure it is the time of the year or just all that has went on lately that is causing me to hide from the world and think of my past. Or maybe a combination of both.

The posts last week with the quizzes and other odd-n-ends are a form of me hiding too. Hiding from myself. And that is why I have not written in a while also.

I am in my usual place of being torn between lots of different thoughts and feelings.

I talked with Ray Saturday. He was talking to me about M….how M affects me. He said he always knew I could not resist M. He had some other interesting comments about the things M does to me….true to being Ray he just knows how to cut to the chase : ) I have never done drugs but I would imagine how M makes me feel…is similar a person shooting up and feels the drug enter their system…and when I see M I feel him flow through my veins. It is a very intense feeling.

I was thinking about a time that I played with him….the first time we played after hooking back up…and…what he did….the pain he caused me. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I suffered and pleaded….

And now I am wondering…if I can have the extreme things he does to me with….more compassion.

I mean I wonder what it would be like to be with someone like M 24/7.…I mean I cannot ever see M coming up to me and giving me a hug. I started crying with him the last time we saw each and I know that he was not something he was anticipating and he was not sure how to react. But he handled it, but…he was not compassionate he was just calm and told me it would be okay.

I wonder if…it is normal feeling to be humiliated and degraded and then feel warmth and happiness afterwards…is it normal to go through that….and be told, “I am proud of you….for doing that.”

I had this path of what I seek…and I was talking to Laz a few weeks ago…and said I got off the path at some point…

I feel I am back on it.

The things I have sought for so long…and not compromised….are now right ahead of me.

I am not going to settle.

I am going to go after those things….maybe it is right here….maybe not…but…I need to stay on this path even though it is going to be hard.

I have lots of things I want to mention here but I am not going to yet. I feel sometimes I jinx things. *shrugs*

My life is not perfect….there is lots of things in it that are still out of sorts….

It is just that….I had not realized until that talk with Laz how much I was off the path.

I care for M very much. I love the things he does to me. But I also….need more.

I love the fear he gives me…that is the drug with him.

Struggling…right now…thinking….mind spinning….

I think about the things…the other things on my mind lately…how so much I want….

I want to be in a cage, I want to be hobbled and made to learn to serve that way, I want to be used and abused, I want the humiliation and degradation, I want more things that I don’t admit a lot…out loud but I have admitted lately.

I want to feel….it…that thing that is exposed as the layers are ripped through…and that person doing it….pulls it out and says this is who you are….look in the mirror…

It scares me that it is put in my face. But it feels so right…it is who I have longed to be….for all my life. To belong to someone so completely that….I can be the thing inside…I can be nothing….of great value and worthless….all within moments.

Friday, November 29, 2002

Well this is going to have to be quick. I had so many things to do today…that I did not think would take lots of time but most of them took 30 mins to a hour more then I realized they would. And that is how my whole day has been! Fun Fun!

I am not writing much lately….that is of substance….at least in the last few days.

I have lots on my mind though.

Last night I read a post on bondage.com about Humiliation vs. Degradation…

I really liked what the person had to say…it turned me on, it made my mind race with possibilities, it made me read it and nod knowing that is how it feels for me too…

And how she defined the difference between the 2 is very similar to how I do….

Humiliation to me is very erotic. It turns me on…when I masturbate it is one of those things I think about. Example: When M takes his fingers and pushes it into me and says you are wet piece of fuckmeat…and then smears it on my face. That is humiliating to me. It turns me on.

Degradation also actually turns me on too but to me it is more of a ripping away and expose pieces of me that I keep hidden and bluntly pointing them out. It can be used to bring me down…bring me down a rank. Example: M thinks I think I am all that and a bag of chips….he thinks I believe I am always right. He feels basically I have a big ego and need to be more humble and know what is really inside me. He will tell me I am nothing often and make me repeat it back to him. He will make me do things to show me I am nothing. I am not giving examples purposefully : )

So not sure it shows it but…there is a difference in the feelings.

I was telling someone last night that I separate though….

I take the things being done to me and put them in a box and let it affect that part of me not all of me. M knows that…he tries to make sure I don’t do that. Last night in my chatting about this…I told the person how it actually needs to be done. Basically something I have talked about here before….my name…when I am called names….I am called names during scenes and such…but no one ever uses my name…my real name they don’t mix the 2 and so I can separate it very easily. I am those things in the box sometimes…and I am me the rest of the time. But using my name….and those things…makes those things in the box…go….wait where do we belong here or there…and basically I feel it will break the box and I will be the slut and fuckmeat and all the other names I am called.

Okay I said this would be a quickie….and…I have LOTS to do still… (

Thursday, November 28, 2002

There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely. - Ugo Betti
Whatever decision we think we are making is actually being made for us, because the decision is the end result of a thought and we have no control over the arising of the thought. -Ramesh Balsekar
Bleu's Journal

Bleu's journal entry today (the 3rd entry for the 28th)...touched me in for more then one reason....

It was so intense....just so intense...I keep re-reading it over and over again. I feel it....feel it....

Last night I had dream...very intense dream.

I wrote to M this morning...about a dream I had that seemed to reclaim some of my past.....the dreams disturbed me....but it did just as she said reclaimed the power from it.

The other reason I like this entry....it is how I want to feel so much....I want more then my body to hurt....I crave it so very very much....

I need it.

The confession...that part....keeps going through my mind....and of course that last line does too.

ohhhhh
It must have been last Tuesday's episode of Buffy....but Amiee Mann played on it....and I really liked it.....I don't know what song she sang for sure but I am almost positive it had to be this...one.

It is called Save me....(and of course I like it...I am even singing to it....even with my voice that is being affected by my voice...which is making me thinking of a memory. Kam always said he liked it when I sang because he knew I was happy in that moment.)

You look like - a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you - save me
Come on and - save me
If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell
Of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone
No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness In Plain English"
okay so shoot me.....lol....but i found this one right after that last......and of course look what it came up.....



Slave
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?

brought to you by Quizilla



Of course i don't like that scared to make decision stuff....because....welll...i am a control freak :)

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Okay last one for a while....you know I get in these happy quizzing moods.....lol

seductress
What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

You are the seductress pin-up! You are self-explanatory. You slut!


*grins* Well the slut part i know is true! lol




You aren't sure where you came from. Perhaps your sire did an embrace and run. Or maybe your sire was an outcast himself. Either way, your powers are unique and really don't belong to any clan...or maybe a little from each. Because you of these circumstances, you aren't really sure where you belong. You tend to wander and do a bit of soul searching in your eternal life. Maybe some day...you have a while after all

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Test Created By Oronoda


What type of artist are you?

brought to you by Quizilla


You're the classic starving artist. You thrive and take pride in the pain that you turn into art. You've probably had a very traumatic childhood and now confide in paper more than people... You have trouble remembering where you put your damn pens... all the time.
When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude. - Elie Wiesel
i feel like I am on edge...and that I am going to have nightmares when I go to bed tonight. :( I am not happy about that tought....

I talked to M for about 10 minutes. Nothing was discussed about him and I....so that is still pending.

I am back at Bill and Lisa's. It snowed on the way back. I am starting to get antsy about money. I need to start working again. So, this weekend I plan on getting the things done so I can start again.

Craving pain tonight....no craving to be nothing and to suffer. But I am craving to feel pain too. I have not had any marks since before I left for Detroit. I miss the marks. I miss them very much. I miss the way it feels when he hurts me...I miss the way it feels when I suffer. I feel it bubbling in my veins.....

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Well my mind is going in a million directions!

I have been thinking about the process of being enslaved this morning. I have been thinking about Monseigneur E and Linda lots. I had been thinking of them lots anyway but now I have another reason they were brought up front. I have been thinking about girlfriends.

Okay backing up...don't want to get ahead of myself.

I was chatting with someone last night and talking about how I react to the control. How I fight it even though....I know with everything in me that I need it. So why do I fight it? I am not quite sure but I think it has to do with trust. Most of the time the control comes....fast...which I like.....but it comes to a level of....where I am not sure I should trust that person with all of my life because what if they do something to screw it up. Nice huh?

I think it is just reactance to lack of control. Even though I want that...I have been in control a long time and so I have got used to doing things "my" way. And "my" way has worked and is good for me...soooo why should I do it another way? Oh yeah...because I want to please and serve *grin* Well I do....but I am scared of giving someone that trust and then....ending up where I am at....like right now.....where the long term affects of the control are that I get to pick of the pieces of my life and say great now what.

So I do have trouble giving up that control. With M....I struggle with it but really with M the fear that is involved in our relationship....I know not to fight the control. But he also does not have a lot of control of everyday things. He has control when I am with him...but not much more control then that. I am not sure how I would react if he took more control.

Moni and I were talking today about that I really should not give anyone control until I meet them face to face.....I am still....hurting from things done with Monseigneur E. Those things had long term effects and it really bothers me that....it feels like...I was kind of dropped to the side when things got tough. I had lots of anger yesterday. First time I really got that angry. Grieving process I guess.

It has been really hard for me not to email or im him. But I have not....and when I get the urge I tell Katrina or Aydeen and they stop me lol

I also had them brought up front last night because I found out someone that I have been chatting with knows them real life. Small world huh?

Okay last topic girlfriends....

I was thinking about someone this morning who told me they had a crush on me. I was thinking about her because well she is great. She is a good friend...she is very pretty, she is very sensual....and we have a lot in common. Her and I had a talk a while back because....she knew it was not going to go anywhere...and I started thinking about that this morning...

My focus right now is wanting to find my Master. That is the path I have been on...

I want a girlfriend but...because my main focus is this search....I don't feel I can give....into a "real" relationship with a girlfriend. And because of that....I think I would hurt this person and any person I might get involved with. And so I don't look for a girlfriend because I don't want to hurt anyone. I was trying to think about what I am looking for in a girlfriend....I need someone who does not need me...where we are friends and every once in a while have a hot date one night where it is steamy and soft and tender all at once. And then back to friends. I guess that is why it works with my friend in Detroit (who I really need to get a name for here) because I can go and see her and hang out and just be friends have a hot night where she bring the slut out in me and then I can come back here...to Ohio and be on my path again.

Why I thought of this....well I am going to see this person I had been thinking about tonight....and so that is what I am sure spawned my thoughts of a girlfriend and not wanting to hurt her. I know she has this all resolved in her mind but I guess I did not in mine.

Well I suppose I better head home I am at Moni's still. Not spell checking this so sorry for any huge errors :) I know there are always grammar errors. :)







Monday, November 25, 2002

Can a slave have expectations?

I believe a slave can be searching for that one she wants and have expectations....before she accepts to owned as a slave...she needs to be very clear with what she wants and expects. After she has accepted that she will be his slave....then she cannot expect anything other then what they negotiated.

Okay do I find this realistic...no. Why? Because I don't actually believe a person going into a relationship comes to the table with everything out on the table. Because as you start your relationship you are still getting to know one another.

Compatibility seems to be one of the top reasons relationships don't last because they get into it fast with these few deep interests taking over and then find out that all these other things vanilla included are not clicking and matching up. Gawd do I know I do that...lol :)

I guess to me...a D/s couple grow to be Master and slave and then expectations in the slave soon fall to the way side because one they are getting to know each others likes and dislikes and two perhaps the most important...trust is built and that submissive as well as that Dominant are going to trust that when that Dominant says he is going to do something he will and when that submissive says she will do something she will. They learn to trust that each other is looking out for the best interest of them as a couple. They learn to trust their feelings for each other. They learn to trust their...lives together are going to go forward and will be OKAY.

I have some friends that they entered into their relationship....and she started with limits. He allowed those limits because he knew that eventually she would learn to trust him and DESIRE so badly to lose them that she would let go of her safety net. And she did. Her giving those to him was a big step and he was very proud of her. And she wanted to do it because their relaitonship had grown to that point where she wanted to give him everything. It does not happen over night....that trust needs to build.

Okay done with my little rant :)

Sunday, November 24, 2002

"heart is removed, you tripped on the rug, now you're shimmerless and infected like a drug. your wishes are meaningful, your contents a glare.. but if you think you can run from me i think you should be scared." ~ by Senah a blog I just stumbled across tonight and kind liked that.

Lately I have not listed the music I am listening to but I am still of course listening to music. It has been heavier for me then my normal tunes...Linkin Park In the End...I listened to over and over about a hundred times last week. One day I played nothing but that and Puddle of Mudd.

Here is the lyrics to In the End by Linkin Park

"In The End"

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

good song...

And then another one that I am singing to a lot right now....


by Puddle of Mudd

"Blurry"

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Don't you think those are interesting lyrics to be going with the moods, situations and life just happening with me?

Ohhh look at the lyrics for Control by Puddle of Mudd! Some good lyrics there :) Make me think of M in some parts of it!

Last night was Carpe Diem and I always enjoy being around friends. I then went to the play party afterwards but did not play. And that was no big deal to me. I am not feeling well still so that fine with me.

Something that has been going on is...I have been dealing with some Kam issues/feelings/thoughts. And last night I gave the rest of his things to a friend of ours. And then today I got an email from him. It was a hard email to read. I know I have not even fully digested it yet. I don't want to have to deal with it actually, but will eventually. I know it had to be a VERY hard email for him to write. I do appreciate him writing it though. I love Kam and always will. He changed my life....forever.

I saw M today for just a little bit.....I think he was going to just go play with me but then I asked to talk to him so we went to lunch...him ordering for me of course...and he made a good choice. I am VERY silly but one of my favorite meals is...cheeseburger and fries. This burger he got me was a 3 cheese - cheeseburger and it was REALLY good!

Anyway, we talked about the things I did not want to be a grown up and talk about. I did not want to have to stand up and say yes this is what I need because basically my fear he will stop seeing me....and I like so much about him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I like the things he does to me of course...the brutal and extreme things. I like just our talks and hanging out too. I like that I feel safe and protected and cherished (that word seems so weird to me to be describing how I feel with M but it is true) I like when he tease me. I like when he is sarcastic and funny. He has many wonderful qualities that make it very easy to want him. So I talked and then he talked. He gave me a few things to think about and so I drove back to Moni's and thought about those and then wrote him with some things that I thought about so right now it seems we are in a standstill of talking.

He did something right before we left....he actually stopped me from leaving to do.....and of course it got to me....it made me giddy and that rush I get from him when we play....I got that same rush from this simple little act....of...affection....silly me :) *blushing*

While in Detroit I did lots of thinking but I also had some dreams and then in one of the dreams it was basically telling me not to ignore my dreams. I woke up wide awake knowing that I had to confront M about some things I have issues with....and a lot of it goes back to Todd. I know it is not fair to put my past on to M but I need to also learn from my past. I have had lots of dreams of Todd lately where it proves to me where he was an illusion. I am not saying M is...an illusion but...he does have some things that he does not open up to me about that give me red flags. And I give him A LOT of trust when I play with him as hard as we play.

When I got back from Detroit, I was talking to Sir Laz one night and he asked me about my goal. And I told him my goal and he said are you on a path for it....

And when he said the word path I burst into tears. Because this light bulb came on that said to myself...that I got off my path. And so now I am trying to get back on it. And I think M is actually very proud of me for doing that but I also think he believes I gave him a to z already so why do I need to cut it back to a to m. He also has had the luxury of almost complete control...he knew he could pretty much ask me to do anything and I would....scary thought huh? But it is true. And now...I want some of that control back and he does not want to give that up at all. And to be fair...if I met him and said that he could have control of a to m but I had control of n to z he would have never got involved with me. Not that M expects complete control instantly but....he has guidelines and within the guidelines there is some control for the submissive but he has most of the control.

So it is not fair of me to say....I want this now. Can there be a middle ground worked towards....maybe. Maybe not though.

I started to cry in the car today with him....I think that maybe surprised him and caught him off guard. I had some tears with the pain he has given me but not tears of sadness with him. I am really scared...

ending that like that...because right now....life is just kind of scary.

My life is pending...as Moni would say.
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