danae

Do I want to please and serve someone? Do I want to be owned? Yes, so very very much…

But I am very scared.

No one has really saw me… all of me. They see parts…and never the whole me. Even if I feel I am showing them all of me they never get it…never seem to see who I really am…what I really am about. I show them more and more and they always say….“oh you aren’t scaring me” and then…

A BIG one hits…and then all of sudden interest goes away… and they get scared or don’t want to deal with it…which is really what it is….they don’t want to deal with the issues.

So it is like a test and not even a conscious test….I do something stupid….to sabotage before…things get to the point where they just back off or disappear. I hate that I do that and not even really aware of it until it is already started.

Mistress DM once told me she wanted to help me. And that I need to start asking for help. It is something that is very hard for me. I don’t let people help…and I don’t often ask for help. I have gotten better at asking.

All my friends are there for me. They help…and they would help more…if I let them. But I don’t let anyone in enough to let them help. But I know they would.

When I am interested in someone….they don’t say I want to help you. He did….He said He wanted to help me. He asked me if I wanted His help. It was so hard to say yes. Why does He want to help me? I don’t get why He wants to go through all this to help me.

I push, pull, tug and do all sorts of things to hurt…hurt myself in the end. I realized that with Monseigneur E….more then anyone. I held him at arms length and knew that the only one at that time it was hurting was me.

I always hoped that the one…would not let me pull or push…

But that is not realistic. I mean He is not a mind reader. We have not known each other that long and so He can’t know me.

So, I go and push Him in the deep end with…nothing to stay afloat….

Does He tread water…?

I feel my walls up. I feel them up tight…so I am not sure I can reach out and say….I am sorry come back…

I am not even sure if I can show Him where….the lifesaver ring is….

This always happens…I let them in and I let them into a point and then…it scares me. And then…I can’t do it anymore. And so it is easier to push the person away then…keep going forward.

He does not think I am ready. I am so ready. I see it…I see it so exactly. It took me so long to get here…does He understand that?

I want to give and surrender.

I am just so very scared I will get hurt again.

I am not sure how to be…open. I am not sure how to give, as I want to. I am not sure how to not get scared.

Why do I get scared?

I don’t know how to be happy. I have never been happy so how will it feel? I am scared of that…not knowing how it will feel. I am scared of relying on someone else. I am scared of someone seeing the core. I am scared of him. I am scared of what he will expect and if I can give it. I am scared of not being good enough. I am scared of him not giving me what I need. I am scared of him…pulling me close and making him my world and then he will drop me. I am scared of…my past interfering with my present. I am scared I am not really who I thought I was all this time…

The above was mostly written last night.

Life is scary right now. Everything is going to be okay? Right?