danae

Well first I am going to do the Friday Five....and then some writing after that....

Friday Five

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

One is not standing out more then any other...I see a few big accomplishments in my life this year....closing some doors on my past. Not justifying betrayal. Moving on with my life (and if you think this is about you when you read this you are wrong - now i can't get that Carly Simon song out of my head lol). I guess this will sound strange but I am proud of my business...I closed it but I am very proud of what I did with it. And how hard I worked for it. Hmmm finding my center though probably was the biggest thing I did this year though. I am glad I am back to my center....'bout damn time! :)

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

biggest...hmm I can think of a few things again one does seem to be a neon light over the rest though...but still going to list some of the others. Finding out my best friend had been betraying me pretty much tops out my list though. Closing my business. Not going on the trail visit with Monseigneur E and Linda. Frustrations in almost all my relationships this past year.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? No

4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?

I will most likely be here in Minnesota with my family. And yesssssssss I wish I would be someplace else that night...I wish I was in Colorado. *grins*


5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?

No not really..I pretty much usually stay at home on New Year's Eve. How ironic that this year....seems to be the first year I have ever wanted to celebrate and I can't be with Him and celebrate. New Year's Eve is an anniversary for me so usually I stay at home, watch some movies and try to relax. But this year I don't feel the usual anxiety of that evening...what it represents. I am very happy about that. I just wish I was with Him or in Ohio to celebrate with friends.

The tradition I created with Kam was....making crab ragoon and szcheshaun chicken (i know i am not spelling that right) for dinner and then watching movies and drinking a few mudslides or just some baily's on the rocks or in hot cocoa.


Okay well.....lets see what do I want to talk about...

Thursday morning we got up early to go hit after Christmas sales. We got some good stuff. We hit Target, Kohls and then a Christian book store...yes really :)

I got one of my favorite's cd....Sixpence None the Richer...they are a Christian band. I found that out several months ago. I really like their music.

Well instead of my Dad being the first to talk to me about something "confrontational" - my Mom was the first. Today she told me when I opened my tarot set that she felt evil prickles with it. No...I am not kidding. *rolls eyes* I told her well it made me feel very calm. She then had to explain that she would pray for me as it is evil. I then explained to her that I thought she was being closed and she is going by what she has been taught by the "church" instead of thinking and feeling on her own. And that the evil prickles she feels is not what is real...it is her own fears of it that she is feeling prickles from not calming of the tarot cards. I explained to her that the I-Ching read I have used before is a Christian. And that I felt she had lots of positive and healing energy. She was just a very comforting healing person and that if she did not use that...she would be wasting the gift God gave her. Anyway, it was a whole discussion I did not want to have...but it the first of a few more....I will have I am sure.

So, yet again I am going to be on some pray list for doing evil things. lol wow if she only knew what my life is really like....she would not be very happy. But it is my life...as I have told my Dad several times before and I am sure I will again.

Tomorrow I leave to go see my other Grandma...in North Dakota. We are only going for the weekend. We are bringing one Grandma back to her home and then visiting the other on the way back. The way home stuck in a car with my parents for several hours alone without my sisters I am dreading. So...I hope that I have all the positive energy from my friends coming my way....and my sphere in place.

I am looking forward to seeing my Grandma. I have thought lots of my Grandpa lately.

Those that...have passed do they see what is going on with the person now? I mean that is what I have been thinking about...wondering if my Grandpa see my life as it is now. And if so....I start to feel ashamed with parts of it...probably strangely enough....not the parts most people would think of...

I am not ashamed of my job I have had...I am not ashamed of my Master/slave relationships, I am not ashamed I am a masochist....

I am ashamed of relationships, mistakes, failures, and things like that.

Last year I felt more comfortable with my family. This year I don't feel comfortable and maybe that is because my life is still pending where last year with my business at least I had a focus and I was doing good. And just was very confident about my "whole" life. Where this year I am scared...I am confident but scared. Last year I was not scared.

Today Moni called :) I was happy to hear from her. I miss our talks and quality time.

I have been talking to Him a least once a day on the phone or online...if not more. He and I have had some interesting talks of the future. It all is very scary.

But it feels very good too.

We talked about something that had happened to me recently and how I have quickly got that under control and in perspective. I had not looked at like that.

The level of control He seeks....scares me and makes me feel hope of a good future. I was reading through old emails to and from Him. And they are amazing. I am still doing the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" thing and also I try to fight what it...or push Him away and scare Him...He does not seem to scare easy. :) I am very lucky for that fact.

I thought of M quite a few times today. Not sure why...he would just pop up in my brain. I miss him I guess is the word that is coming to mind.

Well I am going to post this and then talk to Him...as he just messaged me *big smile*