Merry Christmas!

I had a nice day today....but most of my thoughts drifted towards being with Him next year and hoping that I would be owned by next Christmas and in the relationship I have always dreamed of....to be a slave...serving my Master.

Christmas has brought me lots of good presents....not sure .....why I have gotten so lucky in that respect....I have good family and friends that always treat me so good. I am very very lucky! I spent today with my family and extended family. We ate, opened presents, ate, played games, ate, laughed and just had a good time :) I called Bill and Lisa today....Lisa was not available so I talked to Bill...sounds like Ohio is getting dumped on with snow. Here it is barely covering the grass. This year though...I was not as concerned with a white christmas as a normally fret about it.

I talked with Him on the phone last night....we got some things worked out.....as far as the miscommunications we were having on Monday night. He felt the wall up last night when He signed on....I did not mean to put it up so tight but...I just get scared I am going to get hurt again.

Something that has come up.....from our disagreement the other night.....is does a slave "deserve" anything/something? My answer was yes....why? Because I am human and my ONLY need is NOT pleasing and serving. I do expect things back. Is that wrong? I guess I don't feel it is....

I have clearly outlined what I seek.....and if the person is not that then we might as well stop wasting each others time. Now let me STRESS...I am not saying I am wasting time with Him. I know I am not....but His view pretty much is....I don't deserve anything. Yet He is a very compassionate man.

I am going through a stressful time here at my parents. My Dad has not said anything yet...and he might not but....he probably will say something eventually. Because of the stress....I wanted something....something He is controlling right now....and He said no. I said I felt I deserved it. Now was that the right thing to say....probably not worded quite the way it should have been. So then came the conversation of do I deserve anything...does a nothing deserve anything. Well 1) I am not a nothing in my mind yet. 2) I am not a slave yet either....as I am enslaved as I am not with Him to be enslaved 3) I am a human girl wanting certain things out of life....and I do expect them. Plus...I am human going through some stress...it is Christmas time....and I have went through lots lately so why don't a deserve something fun? I don't see a reason why not.

It is times like this I really question weather I am a submissive at all.

Yet I put on a skirt today thinking of Him and knowing that is what He likes. My Mom and Dad got me sweats and a sweatshirt and I told my sister I was going to exchange them for a down throw blanket....because I don't wear sweats. I know I will never be allowed to wear them....so there is not a point in having them. I have had a pair that I have not wore probably for 2 years anyway. Most of those I have been with did not like me to wear pants and really I am a girly girl and don't wear pants that often anyway.

I have wore skirts the whole time here....and everyone keeps telling me if I am cold why don't I put pants on. I just say I am fine with the blanket or I wear tights and that helps too.

Sooooooooooooo I question wether or not I am submissive yet I purposely wear skirts to please Him....so that shows I am.....

So what am I exactly? A selfish submissive who wants things her way when she wants? ugghh I hope not. And part of me knows that is not true. With previous owners I had to do things I did not like all the time and did them.

I am not sure what I am...I just know I do feel I am a pretty good girl...and deserve some nice things in my life...after the life I have had....I deserve to be happy. I know I expect my life to be a certain way...because I have worked hard to figure out what I want and need and so I go after that. And I will have what I have been seeking!