danae

I feel that lightness that I have always had…there but it is like the clouds are finally fading.

I feel good and positive.

Depression seems to be lifting. I have lots to do in my life but I am not worried about it…it feels like things will come together for me.

I am tired but know that…peace is coming soon.

I have lots to do…this week. I leave on Sunday morning for my parents.

A while back I received a post on an email group about sub vs. slave. And basically describing what this person thought the difference between the two.

It said that for a submissive it was about control and guidance. And for a slave it was about obedience. Okay…I can kind of see that. But I also then think I am both. What I did not agree with…was this person said that…a submissive did not really “care” if she did not please or was punished. And I want control and guidance. But I am obedient….to a fault almost. Not really a fault…it is…that I just put my duty….my code…when I commit to a D/s relationship means I am giving all. And even if I don’t agree and even if it goes against my basic principles of who I am…I need to obey. If I did not trust that person to run my life….then I should not have put myself in his hands is my view. I say that because I hear the people that go well what if he told you to jump off the Superior Street Bridge would you…well the catch is you don’t commit and submit to someone that you do not trust.

This past weekend….I went to Detroit. It was a pretty short and easy trip. I did not spend lots of time with j talking or hanging out because she was sick. I mostly took care of her and then did some grocery shopping and cooking for her and her Master. On Saturday I went to a party and the people I met there last time said I was glowing.

And then I had someone say that on Monday too. I guess I am right now : )

There was one woman there….that omg….I was drooling! LOL She is a bbw and she just had it all going on…yummy! I stood there imagining being between her legs. Really I did. *blushes* I was very horny this weekend too. lol

Monday on my way back I went to a SMART meeting. I don’t think people get what goes on to run a BDSM organization. People just want to come, socialize, maybe see something neat or learn something and then leave. They think someone else will run it…and that they don’t want too. But it is always the same people that seem to help out. I wish more people would get INVOLVED! Okay ending the mini-rant : )

Tuesday I was a bum really I was….I was tired and tried catching up on sleep. I have not crashed yet from my….odd sleeping schedule yet. And that worries me. But maybe I will sleep while at my parents but probably not…I usually don’t feel comfortable to sleep there. I know odd.

I talked to Ray on the phone last night. That was nice. I had not talked to him on the phone in a while. He is a good friend . After I talked to him…I then talked with a friend in Minnesota online. We talked about meeting up when I am there. And then I talked with Nick. It was a serious talk.

It was needed though….I had to be honest with him and myself. It was so hard…as I care for Nick a lot and I did not want to lose him. And I did not because he is a GREAT guy : )

Wrote all the above on Wednesday….

Going to talk about my thinking/decision making process some….

I go for weeks with an issue in the back of my mind….it is there and I am mulling it over and over and over. I often don’t talk about it out loud. I just keep it there and say okay this is my decision. And thus people in my life feel I am making a decision fast, when in fact I had been making the decision for weeks.

My life might seem chaotic but really every decision I make is very conscious and controlled. It is the control freak of me that does not - talk about my issues.

Going to post this but I have lots I need to write about….well at least it feels like it.