Hiding

I have been hiding out a lot lately. It is what I think I needed. Bill and Lisa have been teasing me that if sunlight start bothering me they are going to get a little nervous lol I actually went out with them though today. And I am very thankful for them getting me out of the house.

Bill and Lisa bought me a Christmas Bear to help….combat my missing Ellington. I really am missing Ellington right now.

I watched Queen of the Damned with them the other night. I really liked it. I wish I had read the book though right before I watched it….instead of years and years and years ago lol I liked the music in the movie also. Some of the scenes were….so sensual to me…mostly the ones that involved blood for some reason lol I liked this Lestat much better! I only read the first 4 books in the Anne Rice Vampire series….but when I read them Queen of the Damned has been a favorite of mine.

I am not sure I commented on this last month and I needed to….I am sure if it is already gone on the newsstands or not….but Playboy…for December’s issues…..had Dita in it and on the cover. She is a fetish model. I really really liked the pictures : ) She is so yummy! I got the next issue and that has Tia Carrera on the front. She is just not my type for some reason.

I talked about Morgan last night. I miss her so much.

Morgan is someone I was involved with when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. She was bigger then life…to me. I was involved with her my freshman year of college. She died while I was involved with her. She was in a car accident.

I often go through my life and think…I wonder what Morgan would think or say. I wonder if she would like….so and so. I wonder what it would feel like to have her do some of things that have been done to me.

I long for her touch and to look into her eyes right before I kiss her soft red lips. I long to breath her name…as we make love on a Sunday afternoon. *soft smile*

I am not sure it is the time of the year or just all that has went on lately that is causing me to hide from the world and think of my past. Or maybe a combination of both.

The posts last week with the quizzes and other odd-n-ends are a form of me hiding too. Hiding from myself. And that is why I have not written in a while also.

I am in my usual place of being torn between lots of different thoughts and feelings.

I talked with Ray Saturday. He was talking to me about M….how M affects me. He said he always knew I could not resist M. He had some other interesting comments about the things M does to me….true to being Ray he just knows how to cut to the chase : ) I have never done drugs but I would imagine how M makes me feel…is similar a person shooting up and feels the drug enter their system…and when I see M I feel him flow through my veins. It is a very intense feeling.

I was thinking about a time that I played with him….the first time we played after hooking back up…and…what he did….the pain he caused me. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I suffered and pleaded….

And now I am wondering…if I can have the extreme things he does to me with….more compassion.

I mean I wonder what it would be like to be with someone like M 24/7.…I mean I cannot ever see M coming up to me and giving me a hug. I started crying with him the last time we saw each and I know that he was not something he was anticipating and he was not sure how to react. But he handled it, but…he was not compassionate he was just calm and told me it would be okay.

I wonder if…it is normal feeling to be humiliated and degraded and then feel warmth and happiness afterwards…is it normal to go through that….and be told, “I am proud of you….for doing that.”

I had this path of what I seek…and I was talking to Laz a few weeks ago…and said I got off the path at some point…

I feel I am back on it.

The things I have sought for so long…and not compromised….are now right ahead of me.

I am not going to settle.

I am going to go after those things….maybe it is right here….maybe not…but…I need to stay on this path even though it is going to be hard.

I have lots of things I want to mention here but I am not going to yet. I feel sometimes I jinx things. *shrugs*

My life is not perfect….there is lots of things in it that are still out of sorts….

It is just that….I had not realized until that talk with Laz how much I was off the path.

I care for M very much. I love the things he does to me. But I also….need more.

I love the fear he gives me…that is the drug with him.

Struggling…right now…thinking….mind spinning….

I think about the things…the other things on my mind lately…how so much I want….

I want to be in a cage, I want to be hobbled and made to learn to serve that way, I want to be used and abused, I want the humiliation and degradation, I want more things that I don’t admit a lot…out loud but I have admitted lately.

I want to feel….it…that thing that is exposed as the layers are ripped through…and that person doing it….pulls it out and says this is who you are….look in the mirror…

It scares me that it is put in my face. But it feels so right…it is who I have longed to be….for all my life. To belong to someone so completely that….I can be the thing inside…I can be nothing….of great value and worthless….all within moments.