danae

Well I have not written for a few days….

I am back in Minnesota at my parents. I had a nice time seeing my relatives in North Dakota….especially my Grandma and cousin.

Lets see if I can recapture some moments lol….

On Friday we left fairly early and then stopped on the way to my Grandma’s in Fargo at Valentino’s. Valentino’s was where I worked when I had my first job. It is where I met Don and Jim. It was where I met lots of people that had great influences on my life actually….which might sound very scary lol

And today is the 31st so of course I am thinking of Don some of course.

So a little plug for Valentino’s…they are really good. If you have a chance to hit their lunch buffet…do it : ) Their pizza is one of my favorites….and then their marinara is another favorite of mine. If you don’t like sweet sauce, you won’t like them. Valentino’s is mostly based in Omaha, Nebraska. But they also have one in Topeka, Kansas and then one in Fargo, North Dakota.

After that we headed to Grandma’s and because everyone went to bed at 9pm I had to also….can you believe it me in bed at 9pm??? Lol

I woke up lots though….because I was in bed so early. I had several nightmares but that is a nightly thing for me, but basically going to bed early means more of them unfortunately.

So then on Saturday we headed to my other grandmother’s – who I have not seen for 4 years so that was good that I was seeing her. I really like my Grandma M….when I talked about that I was thinking about my Grandpa lots lately…it was Grandma M’s husband. I am not sure why but they were my favorite Grandparents. My other Grandpa died when I was fairly young so I just think I had more time to get to know my other Grandpa.

It was good to see Grandma M…and I love her very much. I do actually wish I would spend more time with her.

We picked up Grandma and then drove to my Aunt and Uncle’s. My cousin who I grew up with and was very close to…was there with her husband and 4-year-old daughter. Her daughter is so cute! My cousin is also expecting again and I am very happy for her. My biological clock did some ticking…faint ticking mind you lol

I have pretty much accepted that my life just is not meant to have children for several reasons 1) I am selfish and love my lifestyle and don’t want to give up any of it. 2) I don’t think I can have children – scar tissue and also just fertility.

Anyway, I really liked spending time with my cousin and her daughter.

One thing that happened that just happened because you know I am me….I told my cousin I am bisexual. I just came out. And so….I know after…I told her and the next day I realized how much of a shock this probably for her as she is very very vanilla. She is very career and family oriented. Having 2.2 kids and 2-car garage is goals she has had. Where just living my life and being happy pretty much is my goal in life.

So I got back to my parents and jotted her off an email to kind of explain some things and also let her know….that I am happy with who I am and that if she had any questions that I would be happy to share with her.

Okay now on to Him…

I missed Him like crazy when I did not get to talk to him on Friday and then Saturday we did not talk until it was almost Sunday. Then He called me on Sunday and we chatted for a little while. He has some control. And I like it so far but I am of course reacting to it. He is very into micromanagement. And I have been pretty independent…and in control especially the last 4 years. I have had small doses of control the last 4 years but nothing like he will want. I have not had his level of control actually since I was with Don. Don micromanaged me…and at the beginning of our relationship….I actually just kind of fell into where it felt so safe and secure.

This time…since we are long distance right now of course it is very different then what it will be like everyday with him. *Gulp* So, right now….this level I am reacting. I also am…pushing Him away. I get scared and push. I hate that I do that….and I sometimes see it happening and other times I don’t.

He though…does not scare easy. And does not stand for it. He gets frustrated with me but He always seems to come through on top. He is firm but compassionate. I just know I frustrate Him as He is trying to get to know me and we are going along all steady and then I throw out this hurtles for us to get over…

And He does not understand why it is happening or what to do as He does not know me fully yet. So, He has had to think fast on His feet. It is very much a learning tool for both of us.

A lot of my mental and emotional process of being owned, being controlled and micromanaged have been going on for the last month, even if not expressed. And so now those feelings and thoughts will start coming out most likely.

I really like Him. He is very nice and that scares me of course. He is nice but he is very sadistic but of course my mind forgets that at times. He is the man that wants to hold me and kiss me and snuggle up in front of a fire with a bottle of wine…but I also need to remember He is the man that wants to keep me in a hood and cage for days on end. He wants to bind me up and throw me in the trunk of his car to travel. He is the man that wants to make me piss on myself and drink his piss also. He is the man that wants to use and abuse me at his whim. Why don’t I remember that? Because he is nice. I mean I see his sadism come out….but His compassion for me….is very evident also. He is very free in expressing how He feels about me in affectionate terms.

It was something that actually was very hard for me to get used to….the affection. It is something I have always sought out, but not found….with the other things that I also want.

I took a break from my journal entry to watch Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html).

I really like that show! I have not watched it since moving in with Bill and Lisa but used to watch it with Kam.

Last night I had to sleep on the floor because I was being punished for basically forgetting my place with Him. While I slept, I dreamt of course of Don, as today is the 31st. And then what was strange was I dreamt of Monseigneur E also. Which kind of surprised me.

But I woke thinking of him and it that led me to the line of thought of how people can just not care.

When I commit to someone I give them a lot of myself and put them into my life right away….is that wrong? I just have felt that is HOW it should BE. But now…I wonder if that is why I have such problems letting go….because I put people into my life much more then others put others in their lives. Monseigneur E and Linda I am sure have not given me much of a second thought – or that is at least how it feels to me. But I still think of them at least once a day.

I miss conversations with both of them. Why am I not talking to them? Hmm because how he and I left things….it was when he wanted to message/talk/email/chat that he could contact me. But that I wanted to give him time after that last convo until he was ready. And so my thoughts are either he is not ready or he just does not want to deal with it. Linda when I have chatted with her since then it has been very chit chatty and slow. So I am not sure how to get beyond that.

On to next topic….

I am nervous about meeting Soulhuntre and Kimiko when they come to SMART Fest. I have been trying to push it off and pretend like I am not meeting them lol

Silly reasons I am getting nervous too. I mean reasons *I* should not be getting nervous about as I have always been very comfortable with myself.

Okay what else should I ramble about…

I miss my friends…they are getting together of course tonight, as it is New Years Eve. And I am missing out! * pouting*

Just some good things that I like right now…

Michael Parks – he is an artist I am really getting into lately. I have meditated to some of his images. I focus on the image and just kind of lose myself in it and it slows everything down and so I can come back to center.

Here are some sites of his works….

The World of Michael Parkes ~ http://www.theworldofmichaelparkes.com/

Kaleidoscope Gallery ~ http://www.kgallery.com

Pierside Gallery ~ http://www.piersidegallery.com/artists/parkes/

Artcyclopedia ~ Michael Parkes ~ http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/parkes_michael.html

Tomorrow – New Year’s Day FX (http://www.fxnetworks.com/main.html) is having a Buffy Marathon (http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/buffy.html) of the first season I think….so that could be cool to watch. I would really like the first season on DVD well the 2nd and 3rd too but 1st is the one I want first lol

Sixpence None the Richer (http://www.sixpence-ntr.com/) ~ I have their newest cd – Divine Discontent. From Dizzy….

I gave you myself
it's all that I have
broken and frail
I'm clay in your hands
and spinning I can see all

Trading Spaces (http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/tradingspaces/tradingspaces.html) of course just as another reminder : )

Pottery Barn(http://www.potterybarn.com/) catalog

Cable Modem as it is sucking on being on dial up at my parents.

Okay….so…on to my Buddhist wisdom for the day…

Meditation is running into reality. It does not insulate you from the pain of life. It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and go beyond suffering. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"