Milestones

Twenty years in the lifestyle this month. I have been kinky longer than 20 years, but I found words for who I am 20 years ago. I remember doing a search online and stumbling upon an AOL bulletin board for submissives. I read threads and nodded along to many things said. I decided shortly after I wanted to know more. I sought out everything I could - discussions groups, books and offline and online community. Eventually I found many groups, but there was 2 groups I consider my home groups: SMART which is still around in Cleveland, Ohio. It has grown so much.  I am really proud of them and all the amazing education they do and bringing community together.  The other group isn't around anymore, but they were called Carpe Diem and they were based out of Akron. They were really good at making everyone feel so welcome and it did feel like home because it was so comfortable.

Those groups as well as many other groups and events across the country - have helped me grow and learn in these last 20 years. I have met amazing people and learned so much about myself. Twenty years in and I am still as passionate about the lifestyle.  Still passionate about being a slave. Of course there has been ups and downs, but all these years it has still been a part of my being to be a slave and connect with other like minded kinky people.   

Thirteen years of blogging about my life. The end of October, I passed 13 years of blogging about my life.  I have went through ups and downs. I have struggled to figure out who I was and come to a place of peace and acceptance being a his slave. I have posted emotional vomit, deep thoughts, drama filled, silly, bouncing all over, daily life, sex, SM, life as a slave, things that caught my eye, made me think, and amused me. But I wrote to keep growing and learning about myself and be true to me.

My posting habits have fluctuated over the years.  I used to post quite a lot - looking down at the archives on the sidebar - you can see a number behind each year/month.  In 2002, I had the highest number of posts - 420.  In 2010, I had 30.  Early on in blogging, I was trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was because after breaking things off with Kam I felt lost. Now my life is in a place where I always wanted it, so I don't blog as much. It doesn't always occur to me write when I am living this life I dreamed about for years.

I have known from day one of putting things out on the internet - I would get negative comments and people who didn't agree with me and when you post on the internet you need to know that.  It helped me grow though hearing those other views. Seeing things from a different point of view often helped me clarify my own even more. It has been a huge learning and growing experience for me and so glad I have kept up with it for 13 years here on blogger.  

Eleven years being owned by Master on February 1st.  11 years ago Master and I stood on a busy street in Denver and he reached in his pocket, took out a heavy hardware chain and lock, slipped it around my neck, and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there.

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.

Eleven years later, I am still His just as I was that day. Each year just seems better and stronger.  Feeling incredibly blessed to serve and love him. I look forward to each day with him. I love how we explore our dreams and fantasies together all while keeping our feet grounded in reality. It has been an amazing journey and I look forward to seeing it unfold in the years to come.  

Ten years of withinReality.com. We are celebrating 10 years of having our website in March.  As of the 1st of February, I am moving my blog to our website. Some of my writing from this blog will move over there, but some will stay here. I won't be deleting this blog. I will be posting highlights every so often so that you can come visit me over on withinReality.com.  Master is also moving his blog over there.  Eventually Destiny might blog over there too. She is new to the lifestyle so I think it is a good perspective to add to our views.

I love my life. I am extremely passionate about the lifestyle and being a slave. Writing is an outlet to express that passion. So I will hopefully be blogging about it many more years. I look forward to writing and sharing many of them. I am always changing and growing and my blog has helped me in that journey over the years and know it will continue to help me in that as I pass many more milestones.

Please head over to withinReality.com to not only read our blog, but see essays on the lifestyle and learn more about us. We will also be doing some giveaways in 2014 to celebrate our website turning 10 years so please make sure to check out the blog in March for that announcement. I want to thank everyone who has supported me here at this blog and hope you will follow me to the new blog on within Reality.

2 Years

In 2010, I only did  30 posts for the whole year, but I understand why as that was the year my Uncle died and  Kam also died and I pretty much pulled away from everything. I only did 31 posts in 2011.  I didn't even post in the first 3 months of 2011.  The only reason I started post in April of 2011 is because we met some people who were moving to the area and now are good friends. I wanted to share the experience of meeting like minded people.

I am now coming up on the 2 year anniversary of both my Uncle's death and Kam's.  I am happy to say although I miss them and still have moments of grieving - sadness that come up - I am over the biggest parts of my grieving.  I know that many things helped me get through it all.   Master of course is one of the main reasons I was able to move forward.  He was really great in just supporting me and understanding when things seemed to be falling apart around here. He helped me when he could and of course he got frustrated and angry at some things I did but he still was there for me.  Other things that helped me were good friends - such as the friends we met last year that moved to the area. I can't imagine not having them around - even if we only see them once a month or every other month.  I enjoy their company so much.  They have come to mean so much to me and I count them as blessings in my life.

Meeting katie was also a big moment for me that helped me keep looking forward as she is such a lovely person who is so inspiring to be around.  I really wished we would have had more time together but so glad we keep our friendship alive through online contact at least.  I truly don't know what I would do without such a wonderful friend who I can be myself with even when complaining or sharing joy. You are a beautiful person inside and out katie and I love and adore you!   So thankful we were able to meet in 2011 and hope to see you again in 2012.

My long time friends have been a great help too - Jouet and Jessica. Jouet for making me laugh and telling me wonderful stories of her life. They were always a good distraction and it is always fun to live vicariously through others.  The cupcake story I still replay in my head often. :)   Jessica - for allowing me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. Thank you so much for being there even when I was at my worst.  I love you both so much and am so thankful to have you as friends.

And last but not least I know that teacup coming into our lives really helped me look forward to the future...giving me hope for a bright future. A future I have dreamed about for so long and was not sure we were going to find someone to fit into.  She came to us in an unexpected way when we weren't looking and now we are moving towards being a family. I cherish the memories we have already created and look forward to the ones we will make in the days to come. I love and adore you, teacup. Thank you for coming into our lives and wanting to be a part of this family with all the ups and downs.

I know I am forgetting people - so many people reached out to me during my struggles and I appreciate every single person...each time someone commented on my livejournal or blog, emailed me, dropped me an offline message or message on fetlife - it meant the world to me and helped me through it.  I have amazing friends and family - I am very thankful for having such a good life and you all enriching it.

March Q&A - 1

I have been a long time reader of yours. I mean since almost the first months of your blog in 2000.  I lost track of it for a while but have been reading again for the last several years.  What I have noticed on your blog is you used to write a lot about your feelings and what was going on in your life and although you share feelings and what is going on in your life now...it seems a little distant. You used to post more often also. What made you stop sharing and posting as much?


I think it is a lot of things and not one stands out more to me then the other....

I am living life instead of writing about it.  Before I was looking for that Dominant of my dreams and my life was really chaotic so I wrote about it because I needed the outlet to purge it. It was pretty much the icon in my post - if didn't write then - I would have gone mad.  Now I am living with my Dominant of my dreams and living life - so I don't need to write about it.  Things aren't chaotic with Master. It is pretty normal  - boring I am sure looking from the outside.

Next I am much more careful with my words now that I am owned. Every word that comes out of my mouth to me is a reflection on him and that at times makes me very sensitive and overly cautious that I am going to say something to embarrass him, misrepresent him, just screw up in some way with what I have said - so I chose my words very carefully now and only post either when I have had him read it and he is okay with it. Or when it don't have time to think. And that doesn't happen often.

Finally I think I just don't have the time. I am working with Master's business, I am doing things around his home, I have the domestic blog, plus other online projects and so on that keep me busy and so this blog kind of gets put on the bottom of the heap.  It bothers me that it does as this blog has been a part of my life for 12 years so I really never want to stop and hope to carry on with it for quite some time - even if not the same as it was in the beginning.


Remember it is March Question Month. Ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments or via email. 

10 Years of Blogging

I have had my blog open all day rereading old entries. I remember clearly the night I set the blog up. I was living in Cleveland at the time. The main computer was in my Sir's bedroom. He was sleeping so I just had the light of the monitor shining. But I had been reading several blogs that evening. And I thought why not. I thought about how putting it all out there would keep me true to myself. And I admit it - it was a hope for some validation....that I wasn't the only one out there feeling the things I felt, thinking the thoughts I did and just struggling with where to be going in this life.

My life wasn't in a place I liked. My primary relationship was tearing me apart. The only thing I was enjoying was my work as an escort. My life was in a place of transition. So what was the perfect way to figure things out? Writing was the answer for me. And so I started this blog 10 years ago.

It has been a quite a journey - struggles, being neurotic, many different relationships, searching for someone who could enslave me, sharing things I shouldn't have, sharing in anger, joy, sadness and every emotion under the sun. I have exposed myself through my words and some pictures too.

I am glad I have kept it around this long. I hope to continue to blog for a very long time. I am thankful that I have met many people face to face as well as online because of this blog. I am thankful for everyone that reads, sends emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

March Questions: Blogging

Why do you blog? Why has your blog posts slowed over the years?

I blog really just to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts. And hopefully by looking back on my life to learn from the mistakes. I also blog just to keep track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember.

When I first started blogging, I wasn't in an Owner/property relationship. I was struggling, searching and just trying to find out what exactly I wanted. So I BLOGGED a lot! Blogging to figure it all out.

Now I am living that life I was searching for so I am more busy serving than writing. I also have blogged for so long it just feels like I have said the same thing over and over. And the same things I still read in other blogs. So...why repeat it all. Sometimes in the moment I feel the need but if I get time to think about it - then I often delete the post just because it is a repeat.


March Question Month - Please remember you can ask me anything. The how-to's are here.

9 Years of Blogging

It has been 9 years of blogging for me! Wow! I am not sure I ever thought I would blog this long. I know my posts have become less and less over the years but I still glad I have this place. And I hope to continue to post for a long time to come.

I am thankful for everyone that reads. Thank you for the emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

I was searching for something in my blogger - really have been for 2 days on and off - not found it yet. Anyway, I found that a post I made in 2002 was showing up in 2003. So far I haven't found others like that but I have almost 9 years of posts so a little hard to go through them all.

But I have went through a few months and started labeling some that hadn't been. I added titles as it just makes it easier when reading to see where one ends and the other begins. Blogger didn't have labeling or titles when it first came out so that is why those first few years don't have those things already.

I started with December 2001 because well I mean to start with December 2002 (the entry above) but somehow I clicked on 2001 instead of 2002. I went from December 2001 back to July 2001. Damn I posted a lot back then!

That time in my life...wow....fucked up and neurotic seem to sum up my state for the most part. I was talking with Nick online and totally gaa-gaa over him. He could do no wrong except - well almost no wrong. He put up with a lot of crap with me. It was post-Todd so that is why I am mostly neurotic and screwed up dealing with that relationship aftermath. I remember looking in the mirror while I was with him and after for while - I looked tired, worn out, sad but nothing anyone said would convince me he was bad news. It took months after the break-up before I started to look human again.

Life was insane going going and going with my work. Talking to a million dominants online - okay not a million but damn there were a lot. And I knew that at the time that there were many I was talking. I just now go who was that I am talking about in some entries. Because they all kind of blur into each other. Nick is one of the few that doesn't though. I talk about him so much I made him his own label because almost every day from August 9 through that December 31st post that I went through - talked about Nick. I lost touch with him after moving to be with Master. Nick cut off contact really - which I understood. I tried to email him a few times but heard nothing back. So I have no idea what happened to him and actually do wonder as he was a really good guy. We had many good conversations and he helped me through a very hard time in my life. Anyway....

It has been hard to label most of posts because it was just emotions, sorting out and expressing my emotions. Very emo! And because I talk about so many different people they get put into a general label of friends or relationships.

Anyway...the last 2 days have been a trip down memory lane reading old entries.

* actually that icon might be backwards - I am not sure all the people I talk about are "superb" but I certainly can figure out the plot - as I said above fucked up and neurotic at least for the parts I was reading the last few days.

Domestic Servitude Blog

As many who read here know I love all things domestic. And some time ago I saw that a blogspot url, that a friend had for a while, was available. So I snatched it up and hung on to it for a while before I started posting there - in April 2008. I haven't really promoted it except for putting on the side bar but it has been there and I have been posting a few times a month or more.

Several months ago I tossed around the idea of opening it up to a few contributers and have it be a co-blogging experience. Recently I finally got around to asking a few wonderful women and started making changes there.

So without further ado please go check out the Domestic Servitude blog.

Curious....

Okay I know this is a little backwards being March is question month but I have a question for everyone.

When I lived in the poly household, one odd thing always happened with new people he was interested in...they were nervous, scared and intimidated by me. I have never got it. I don't bite - well you know what I mean. I have actually been told the same thing here...online and in blogosphere people are scared and intimidated by me and I don't get that either. And well there have been other things like I am a snob and other colorful words. But the most common one I hear is that people are intimidated by me.

What is it about me that is intimidating?

I am hoping this isn't come across snotty - I am just wondering. I have heard it for years and I never understand it so finally thought - why not ask. This is also not coming up right at this moment because someone said something. It is just something I have wondered for years and so thought why not ask.

I am shy and after being Master's for 6 years where I have been pretty isolated - I am now extremely shy. In person that shyness sometimes comes across as aloof or snotty but really it is just my shyness. So is that maybe what is coming across here? As I know since being Master's I have become more private - does that make me come across as aloof? Which in turn makes me intimidating?

I would be curious to know why - if I intimidate you - what about me intimidates you?

Feel free to email me or answer anonymously if it makes you feel better about answering. I am going out of town for 3 days so I won't be able to reply or probably even read answer until I get back.

Little Typo = Weird Location

Okay so I am really tired today. I didn't sleep well (it is my typical month for insomnia) and I typed in my blog url - well what I thought was my blog url but I did a typo. WOW what a typo though on where it sends me to the Mega Bible site.

Here is what I typed in...
http://danaewhispering.blogpsot.com/ (did an invert of sp in spot)

I check Master's blog same way. Pretty weird.

Happy Holidays!

This year has been the least I have blogged. But I don't want to give up writing here so I hope those of you that read will keep hanging on with me. And I hope that I will be able to write more this next year.

We have had an incredibly busy but good year. I am very thankful for all we have in our lives...especially each other. Master and I recently were saying we might not like where we live and need a bigger home but we are blessed we have a roof over our head with so many out there struggling to make mortgage payments. We have a business that keeps growing. It pays our bills and allows us to do some fun things. It allows us to be together all the time. I remember when I was nervous 2 years ago that we might have problems adjusting to being around each other all the time but it was quite the opposite. We enjoy all the time we have together...whether during work or play it is all time we have together we count as one of our blessings.

Some simple pleasures of right now...

A white Christmas - snow on the ground and more coming our way
Christmas carols playing
Cookies and candies on the table
the tree all decorated even added an Obama ornament to it today
Hot apple cider in a cute Christmas mug

And tonight we will have dinner and then do one my favorite traditions with Master...go look at Christmas lights.

I know these are just a few things but recognize that I have many things to be counting as blessings in my life.

I wish all of you Happy Holidays!

Holidailies

Maybe some of you noticed but I am not participating in Holidailies this year. One reason being that I know this month is going to be busy especially with us being gone last week. So I just didn't feel I could commit to it as I am going to be playing catch up the rest of the month.

But I wanted to pass the link on to read some posts from others participating...vanilla and a few kinky mixed in there. Adult entries are marked.

Here is my posts for years past...
December 2005
December 2006
December 2007

8 years of....

blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and I wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. I look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. I know my blog has changed throughout the years. I used to share a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly now I am pretty damn happy and owned by an extraordinary man. I am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because I am there with him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it. But I am thankful for everyone that reads and has read throughout the years. I thank you for your wonderful emails and comments. I count myself blessed because not only did my blog help me keep true to myself but it lead me to meeting some really wonderful people and creating some great friendships. Thank you!

And always ending on my tradition...
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I'm Human!

yay! I am not spam! I signed into blogger this morning to do a post and there was a note telling me that my account was on hold for possibly violating the terms of service by being a spam blog/bot. I have had my blogger here for almost 8 years so it seemed a little odd to be tagged as spam with such a big archive. But they had me fill out a form to prove I was human and the hold was lifted tonight. yay for having my blog back!

Blogroll

Right now my side bar is looking a little odd with my links as I am trying out a new blogger feature of a blogroll that shows the last time a person posted. But I am not sure I like it so I am going to keep it there for a week or so to decide if what I think. If I do like it, those that have rss feeds will be moved to it and those that don't will be under another heading/section of links (because I did find a few of you that don't when I went through some links to add there).

Quote: Reality

"What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print." -Isadora Duncan

Damn that is true. I mean how many times have I read others blogs and thought wow that would be impossible for me to handle or the opposite that would be fun and then they turned out differently when I experienced. How many times have I or other blog authors gotten comments about how insane or unsafe we are but the person commenting isn't even involved in BDSM or better yet they are and still tell us we are unsafe -- yet they never have experienced what is being described in print but yet of course we are unsafe and insane. We can't understand it until we experience it. And of course even then we aren't all the same so even though I love to be slapped doesn't mean every one does. Just thought the quote was interesting.

Is there a Lost & Found of Blog Posts?

When I am just about to drift off to sleep I think of things I want to blog about but of course I can't remember any of it in the morning! Well hopefully the deeply profound insights I had at 3am will come back. (yeah I know that they weren't deeply profound - I was being a little sarcastic.)

Poll Because I am Curious....

I just made a poll because I am curious....I am asking that all lurkers, long time readers and well just anyone that reads take it for me pretty pretty please with sugar on top! It is in the side bar! Thank you!

TEST - LJ Feed

This is a test. I am trying to set up a livejournal feed of my blogspot. If this works I will add the link for those that want it.

The link to the LJ Feed so that you can see my blogspot on your LJ friend's page. Also Master has a LJ feed of his blog too.

To Blog or Not to Blog....?

Okay since I have mentioned this a few times on my Livejournal I thought I should finally come clean here....

I am thinking of not blogging here. I am not set in stone about it yet. I won't delete it as I have 7 years of archives and I don't want a blog squatter using my name. If I do keep this blog it will probably go to a strictly BDSM -- M/s thoughts blog and nothing of the vanilla parts of my life.

I don't write about BDSM - M/s things much these days as I feel like I have discussed things over and over again. If there is a topic that is hot on blogs or elists, I usually have written about 3 or 4 times in years past. That isn't meant to sound superior -- as I am not - far from it. I just know that things go in cycles on the internet....the discussions of protocols, punishment, safewords, slave vs sub, if submission is a gift, trust, communication, reactance and so on.

Also I don't struggle like I did so I don't find the need to hash things out. Do I struggle with it at times? Of course but it doesn't usually occur to me blog about it because I work through the struggle and by the time I actually could get around to blogging about it -- it isn't on my radar to write about it. Also I have about 50 posts in draft form on blogger not finished as time passes it just doesn't seem relevant or spark my interest to write about now so they sit there.

So if I keep going here it will be just BDSM - M/s type blogs but that will probably mean less blog entries. Again this is just something I am tossing around at the moment -- nothing is set in stone. This is not a call for comments/emails to ask me to not stop blogging but just thought I would admit it here as I have been talking about it on my livejournal.

And also maybe this will all change and next week I will go what was I thinking about....how silly of me.