Monday, June 15, 2009

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then"

I was searching for something in my blogger - really have been for 2 days on and off - not found it yet. Anyway, I found that a post I made in 2002 was showing up in 2003. So far I haven't found others like that but I have almost 9 years of posts so a little hard to go through them all.

But I have went through a few months and started labeling some that hadn't been. I added titles as it just makes it easier when reading to see where one ends and the other begins. Blogger didn't have labeling or titles when it first came out so that is why those first few years don't have those things already.

I started with December 2001 because well I mean to start with December 2002 (the entry above) but somehow I clicked on 2001 instead of 2002. I went from December 2001 back to July 2001. Damn I posted a lot back then!

That time in my up and neurotic seem to sum up my state for the most part. I was talking with Nick online and totally gaa-gaa over him. He could do no wrong except - well almost no wrong. He put up with a lot of crap with me. It was post-Todd so that is why I am mostly neurotic and screwed up dealing with that relationship aftermath. I remember looking in the mirror while I was with him and after for while - I looked tired, worn out, sad but nothing anyone said would convince me he was bad news. It took months after the break-up before I started to look human again.

Life was insane going going and going with my work. Talking to a million dominants online - okay not a million but damn there were a lot. And I knew that at the time that there were many I was talking. I just now go who was that I am talking about in some entries. Because they all kind of blur into each other. Nick is one of the few that doesn't though. I talk about him so much I made him his own label because almost every day from August 9 through that December 31st post that I went through - talked about Nick. I lost touch with him after moving to be with Master. Nick cut off contact really - which I understood. I tried to email him a few times but heard nothing back. So I have no idea what happened to him and actually do wonder as he was a really good guy. We had many good conversations and he helped me through a very hard time in my life. Anyway....

It has been hard to label most of posts because it was just emotions, sorting out and expressing my emotions. Very emo! And because I talk about so many different people they get put into a general label of friends or relationships.

Anyway...the last 2 days have been a trip down memory lane reading old entries.

* actually that icon might be backwards - I am not sure all the people I talk about are "superb" but I certainly can figure out the plot - as I said above fucked up and neurotic at least for the parts I was reading the last few days.


  1. I totally cringe when I go back and read through my archives. I think I debated getting rid of the really cheesy ones for a while and then thought that they were all part of the journey and I should leave them there.

    I also still like to check on old dominants I used to talk to - where are they, who are they with etc. Must be morbid curiousity :)

  2. subtletimes, I agree with you - I don't archive mine offline and start new because they are all a part of my journey. And so people can see I screwed up, I was flaky, I was silly and all the rest of the things I did and said.

    Most of the dominants I have been involved with I don't have a curiosity because there was reasons I am not with them lol But the few that I would have liked to keep in touch with....have changed nicknames and such that I don't know what happened to them. That happened with Nick. He was pretty annoyed with me for falling for Master. So he changed nicknames. So I don't know what happened to him and I wish I did. I hope he found a great submissive and is happy. Because even though we didn't end up together he was a very good guy.


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