Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.
So here it is from August 16, 2002...
I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.
Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.
I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.
I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.
Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.
***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.