A while back there was a thread about a man being "rude" to a young lady through private messages on FetLife. She asked if she should report him and so on. Now I don't have a problem with her wanting to block him. But reporting him I had kind of a problem with as someone said in the thread what he said to her some women might get off on. It then was suggested a list be started of people like this - to make a list of dangerous people - and I have such a problem with that suggestion. It surprised me to see many people I know who play hard agreeing with making a list. They must not get that they would probably end up on it. Plus the reality the internet if full of idiot jerks who say stupid things so that list would get pretty damn long. And we all do stupid things once in a while so then we would all end up on that list. Next I don't like it when people don't take responsibility when they consent to it. Now I am not saying the young woman in the post did, but so many times we see posts that say a dominant is abusive yet the s-type takes no responsibility on their end.
Several years ago I was on a yahoogroup elist and the owners of the group posted a full name, address, phone number of a man who "was dangerous." The person was someone I knew and played with - now he is extremely sadistic so I can see many people labelling him dangerous. But he is VERY direct about what he likes and expects. From how the situation was described of course the submissive didn't accept any responsibility or mention the fact that he was very direct about what he desires and she just got in over her head. I can see many submissives getting very turned from the things he talks about - and wanting to see him, but it isn't a fantasy or game to him. Once in the situation with him - I can see where what it is he does would more then many bottoms/submissives desire in actual real life. It probably goes past where they imagined it would go. In person those things are painful things he likes to do - he likes to see suffering. But again he is very direct about it so saying he is dangerous when it gets too be too much for the submissive - annoys me instead of saying "hey he is more sadistic then I desire." He was too sadistic for that person and probably many submissives, but I liked what he did. So I would say that dangerous list is subjective.
In past relationship, before I met the man, we talked on the phone and online. I described things to him and he was saying all the right things to make it sound like he was into those things too. When we were together, it was mostly vanilla sex with just light kink. One day I got it - he thought those things I was describing were fantasy - something to think about, but not act on. When I asked him about it, my suspicions were confirmed. It really surprised me. Of course it disappointed me (and of course I didn't repeat that mistake and everyone after I ASKED if it was fantasy or real for them.)
I think often many things people think about while they masturbate isn't actually what they want to happen. It is just a hot fantasy. So when someone actually does those things in real life - they are dangerous to them because well it is just suppose to be a fantasy. It isn't a fantasy for everyone. And just because someone does something you wouldn't do - doesn't necessarily make them dangerous.
As I said to start - so many people would end up on that list because it is so subjective. We all do and say stupid things so you know....do we have the space to list everyone.
I think this is brilliant. Far too often do you find vanilla personalities looking for a way to get off... and then finding themselves in something they feel they "didn't sign up for"... and who is usually found "with blame" in this situation? The Dominant. It seems unreal at times.
ReplyDeleteI have read many threads on Fetlife regarding submissives being taken advantage of. Being submissive does not alleviate personal
ReplyDeleteresponsibility, though, I think that is exactly what many so called submissives are looking for. You're right, these lists are dangerous. Dominants can lose so much if a submissive cries foul. So many people revel in the fantasy and think that real life will be the same as online play, when it isn't they need to accept their own accountability and not blame the other party.
I think that if someone is truely dangerous then a list would be a poor way to respond anyway. No one would really read it after it started to grow and people started using it with breakups and such. Besides, online, people would just create a new profile. A list isn't a good response to a truely dangerous person, getting the word out and effectively ousting them from atleast that community is how to respond.
ReplyDeleteThings like this are the reason I can only take so much of any community, including fetlife without having to take a few monthes break. I crave the ability to talk to like minded people but sometimes digging through the rest gets to be tiring.