Sunday, June 29, 2003

Pondering....

"The real basis of Buddhism is full knowledge of the truth of reality. If one knows this truth then no teaching is necessary. If one doesn't know, even if he listens to the teaching, he doesn't really hear." -Ajahn Chah, "Taste of Freedom"
In Memphis...

I am at Grumbler and wench's. : )

My flight was uneventful…the only thing irritating about it is…

The gate at Denver started announcing boarding before the plane was even there so people were standing line for about 25 minutes. What they do is have a gate but then when you go through the door there are more gates….such as I was at 59 and then there was 59 a thru j behind the door. Once we got to our lettered gate then we would stood there for 25 minutes before we were able to get on the plane. It was stupid. Older people and kids standing in a line for 25 minutes….people were getting a bit restless.

On the way into Denver Master told me we were going to take a trip to Torrid (www.torrid.com). It is like Hot Topic for bbw’s. We walked in and I know my face lit up like I was at an amusement park instead of just a clothing store. But I have window shopped at Torrid online for over a year so to go in the store was so cool. The clothes in there are soooooooo fun and sexy. Master bought me a skirt that was originally $38 and we got it for $5. And then He also got me fishnet stocking with the seams up the back. I knew He likes the seams so I pointed them out. The skirt is a burgundy satin with lace insets. It is very pretty. I can’t wait to wear it.

I am missing Master lots, but trying not to think about it. He and I have talked on the phone several times. And so I am thankful for that.

Friday evening we went to dinner at a nice restaurant. The food was kind of unusual/fancy, but my shrimp pasta with lemon and basil was very good. Then we went to the new Charlie’s Angels movie. And wow all of the Angel’s including Demi Moore looked amazing. I think I liked this one better then the first one.

wench and I went to Hobby Lobby yesterday. She was getting material for curtains and so I walked around having lots of inspiration for decorating ideas at home. I shared them with Master. I want to make us curtains for the house now. Master wants new curtains through out – so that would be nice - making them knowing I made them for Him. There was also a whimsical wallpaper border I really want to put up in the spare room or guest bathroom – I am not into wallpaper at all – borders included but wow this one was so cute. I actually was thinking in bed – painting the walls and then painting a border that kind of looked like that one would be really cool. But the border I am sure would be less work :)

Not a long blog…just wanted to check in and write that I am alive and well in Memphis with Grumbler and wench. And enjoying my time with them. But missing Master.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Music: Ottmar Liebert
Topic: Weekly Update and more

I am feeling down thinking about being away from Master. It is going to be very hard. He has been my world for over a month now – and I have kind of a routine and structure here and then be without. I can’t wait to see Grumber and wench and be there for the wedding. I am very excited about it. I just am going to miss Master a lot.

Monday I was sluggish all day – I am sure it has a lot to do with the getting sad about being away from Master. Tuesday was very productive. I have had lots to do this week to get things together for Memphis and Thunder.

Today I worked on the wedding present for Grumbler and wench. It is not going very smoothly and I can’t even explain how much Master has been TOTALLY supportive and helpful. I am so lucky to have Him in my life. I can’t count how many times a day I think that and feel it. He is an incredible man.

I have not done art work in a VERY long time so it has been a little stressful for me. And He has been FANTASTIC!

Tonight we ran to Target and then Sears. Sears did not have much in hosiery department. I keep forgetting – SMALL town. I mean it is not a totally small town like where Bill and Lisa live : )

Anyway I will have to get thigh highs for Thunder while I am in Memphis.

Then for dinner Master took me to an Itailan resturant that is really good. Master took me there during my trip to meet Him. And it was really good food and the same goes for tonight – great food. I am stuffed!

Tomorrow night I will be making a roast, potatoes, carrots, green beans and rolls for dinner. Our last dinner before I leave : (

To change subjects so I don’t get more sad...

The weekend was very good again…

Friday Master let me talk to several friends….Katrina over the lunch hour, Moni later that evening - both online. Then I called wench. So it was nice to have so much girl talk in one day. I miss my friends. Moni asked me if I was out making friends here yet and I told her no – that I missed her and my other friends there but that I was not feeling the need to seek out friends yet. She understood what I meant because she knows me. I miss my friends, but am very content with just having Master to be with and do things with and talk to right now. And of course 2 weeks of being gone is making me a little nervous – being out of my routine as Master’s willing captive.

Later on – but not as late as last weekend – Master announces we will go get groceries again. It was 10pm at that time. And I had not done the menu or the grocery list yet. So, together we sat down to do it. It was not hard we did not need that much.

I had quite a bit to do today – well this week. I am sure I am going to get a little frazzled as the week wears on…

Okay back to my weekend summary…

Friday we went to our late night grocery shopping. Boring Friday night for a BDSM couple huh? lol I really do like the things Master and I do – vanilla and BDSM things. It seems just so right always. I mean I never thought things could be so good with someone. I never imagine it would feel so right.

This whole weekend was about relaxing and just being together. Master even told me He did not want me to worry about dishes or household things this weekend. It surprised me, but it was nice that we had a whole weekend just of being us together.

Saturday morning we got up early and went and got my dry cleaning that needed to be done before Thunder. And then got breakfast. After breakfast we watched unfaithful. While we were watching it Master went the bedroom and came out with a duct take gag. It was the beginning of the movie and I had it on the whole time plus time afterwards when we went to the bedroom to play and have sex. Master came on my face with the gag in place. It was yummy. Master took quite a few pictures of me this weekend and that is one I asked to see…I wanted a picture of the cum dripping down my face with a blue duct tape gag. We also squeezed in an enema and a golden shower on Saturday too.

I made Happy Dish for Master and I on Saturday night. Happy Dish is basically pasta, sauce, hamburger or sausage, cheese – shredded mozz, parameson, and ricotta – baked. It is yummy. It received it’s name from Jackie. She loved it when I made that for her and she said it made her happy. So thus – Happy Dish it became.

Then Sunday was spent going on a scenic drive. It was so beautiful. It is so incredible here. On the way back Master played with me by abusing my tits while He drove lol I was too fuzzy to notice how well He was driving : ) All I know is that we were having fun…Him hurting me like He likes too and me getting all wet and mushy from His sadism.

When we got home Master was telling me to get to the bedroom – and He was still letting that sadism out on me by putting pepper on my cunt. Oh how it BURNED!

It was followed by playing and orgasms….oh my! : )

I had another enema on Sunday and then our ritual shower. Those are just so incredible…I get so fuzzy with them still. I am going to miss them while at Grumbler and wench's.

We ended Sunday by playing some more….Master flogged me and then ended the night with spanking. The spanking was the best spanking I have ever had…I am not a spanking fan. But Master’s spanking…ohhhhhh my….yummy yummy yummy! Thank Gawd Master is a drummer! LOL

The weekend was great….

And our next weekend together will be at Thunder and I am sure that will be a fantastic time. I am looking forward to going to such a big event with Master. I will write about that more in the next 2 weeks.

A note – I owe several people some emails….know I appreciate the friends that keep in contact and I will write you back. I think of everyone often…

One more thing before logging off for the night….a Buddhist wisdom…

Intention is the core of all conscious life. It is our intentions that create karma, our intentions that help others, our intentions that lead us away from the delusions of individuality toward the immutable verities of enlightened awareness. Conscious intention colors and moves everything. -Master Hsing Yun, "Describing the Indescribable"

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

You are pure awareness.

The world is an illusion,
Nothing more.

When you understand this fully,
Desire falls away.

You find peace.

For indeed!
There is nothing.

-Ashtavakra Gita 15:17

Saturday, June 21, 2003

What is old friendship? It is when neither friend objects
To the liberties taken by the other. -Tirukkural 801

Friday, June 20, 2003

Tuesday This-n-That
1. Newspapers or magazines? Magazines
2. Books-on-tape or regular books? regular books
3. Paperback or hardcover? prefer hardcover but of course can't have every book on hardcover - that is not umm cost effective
4. Fiction or non-fiction? I own (well now Master owns) more non-fiction but I like fiction
5. Sci-Fi/Fantasy or romance novels? hmm I guess I like fantasy - The Laurell K. Hamilton series - The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter. I am sure the Market Place books would be considered fantasy too right? Probably more under the erotica section of the book store though.
6. Borrow from library or buy books (either new or used)? buy books both new and used but have more new then used
7. Subscribe to magazines or buy on newsstand? subscribe less expensive but right now I don't have any subscriptions...my playboy subscription ran out.
8. Current best-sellers or classic literature? classic literature
9. Read books once, or re-read favorites every so often? re-read favorites
10. Here in the U.S., we have two hot best-sellers...former First Lady Hillary Clinton's memoirs, and the new Harry Potter book (coming out June 21). If you had to read one, which one...Hillary or Harry? Why? I am going to be in the minority on this one I believe - Hillary. Why because I am just not a Harry Potter fan. Not that I am huge Hillary fan either
Master did a blog on Dominants expecting too much from a submissive. He and I have talked about that several times.

Master takes very good care of me to make sure that I won’t break or snap. I get overwhelmed, on edge and He is there ready to handle it. I am slowly learning that He won’t leave or walk away from it.

I can’t tell you how much He does for me to help me get through those times. I am always very grateful that I have such a loving and understanding Master as well as a sadistic one.

I have seen Dominants that treat the submissive like a piece of furniture instead of a human. And that bothers me, but I know that it is up to the submissive to leave if they are not happy. The things Master talks about in journal about the submissive snapping and breaking – I believe happen when the human slave is treated like a chair.

The beginning of last month I wrote in my offline journal about slave verses property. I asked on lists a few months ago what the difference was between being a slave verses being a property. And most people said there was not a difference.

I just can’t see how there can’t be a difference.

My Master considers me His slave – His submissive, His lover, His friend, His companion, His fuckflesh, His little girl, His nothing, and so much more. I am also His property. I believe a person can be a slave and a property, but I am not sure it is possible for a person to be solely property. The reason being we are human – we have emotions, needs and brain to function as more then a piece of property.

Think of property….as a chair. You have chair…it serves its purpose. Maybe you want it to be cozier, so you throw a blanket over it in 110-degree weather. Maybe you want it to be an outside chair so you put it outside even though it was made to be an indoor chair. Maybe you leave town for 3 weeks and forget about your chair back home…I mean why would you need to think about it? Think of the chair as a person. The person serves as chair. You throw the blanket over it and it is 110 degrees out…do you think that person can serve it function if the chair passes out from heat exhaustion? What if you put the human serving as a chair outside – the weather elements will hurt/wear on the person and cause it to possible be ruined. What if you leave the human serving as chair for 3 weeks? How responsible is it to leave a human – serving as a chair for 3 weeks?

We are human. We can’t just be a chair. We can’t solely be property – we have NEEDS beyond a chair.

I have watched couples where the Owner treats the slave as a chair and thinks of the slave solely as property – the slave serves a function. The Dominant expects her to serve that function no matter what. He expects her to serve as a chair no matter what – if she is sick, if she has worked 60 hours during the week she is still his chair. My theory with them is that if she breaks, snaps, gets so tired and over worked that she gets sick or can’t perform as a chair, then he will find a new chair and do the same thing to that person only to find out that one will break too and the cycle starts again.

Master proposed that maybe a Dominant such as that has issues with commitment basically and so he sets his relationships up like that so that he knows they won’t last.

I have been thinking about that lots and part of me wonders if that is possibly true. Either way I think it is irresponsible for a Dominant to think a person can serve solely as chair.

I am glad that I am more then just a chair for my Master…I am glad I am His little girl, His animal, His nothing, His fuckflesh, - and I am glad I am His slave and His property too.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

The weekend was grand again… : )

I really am so very happy Master found me…and made me His willing captive. It amazes me everyday how much I learn with Him. How each day I grow more and more at peace. And more and more happy too. It is amazing to have someone that I mesh with so much on so many levels. I feel calm, safe and happy with Him…I have a real Master now. Not sure if the real makes sense to most, but I had not known what it really was about until Master. And when I met Him it all clicked into place and I * knew*. It was a knowing that only a person that goes through this I think can experience. It just is like all the little mechanisms inside me clicked in place and I saw light for the first time. I saw truth for the first time. I saw peace. Peace is Master. Master is Home.

Okay I will stop babbling about my enlightenment even though it is a topic dear and near to my heart.

So here is a ramble about the weekend and more….

Friday I had another migraine. Not sure what is up with them. Those few, last week, were the first I have had since being here. That is really good for me – that I have not had hardly any since being here! But I am not sure why now I am getting migraines…now.

Anyway, because I had the headache that I was still trying to fight off Master told me not to work as much. And I always have problems when I don’t feel I am doing as much as I should be doing. Master works 8 hours a day…and I feel like I should be working 8 hours a day. So when I sit down to do “me” things….such as write, read, work on a website, watch trading spaces, I often feel tremendous amounts of guilt. And many of those things help me mentally.

I know Master is allowing those times so it is what HE wants. And I am really enjoying serving Him this way. Not sure how to word this exactly…If I was not happy doing what I am here at home, then Master would not be happy. In this relationship – it is about me pleasing Him and I do. He takes what He wants from me. He makes me give Him what He wants. He enjoys the benefits of my service. But if I was not enjoying it, things would change until we were both satisfied. Now I am not saying that if I don’t want to be locked in the cage Master is going to go “oh okay dear then I won’t” - lol – sorry sounds very funny in my head. He is not going to do that, but He is going to be aware of on going issues of being unhappy or unsatisfied in my life as His slave.

Master and I are not struggling right now financially. If I was not happy by not working outside the home…if I was not being productive and valuing my time and purpose of being at home, then I know He would change things. But right now He likes that I am home and I am enjoying it more then I thought I would so things are staying this way right now. He likes that I am working on keeping His home organized, clean, and happy. He likes that because I am not working He comes home to me dressed up very girly girl and/or slutty to please Him. He likes that He can come home at anytime and know I am here to use and abuse. He likes that He has a hot meal on the dinner table shortly after He gets home because I am not working. He likes that I make things and do things especially for Him that would not be possible if I was working outside His home. So He wants this, but I still feel guilty when I have me time or He spends money on me.

I think of His cats…He cares for His cats. He plays with them, gives them attention, and feeds them…He worries if they are sick or not acting just right. He wants His cats to have a good life. Master wants me to flourish in this life He gives me. He wants to see that what He gives me, what He allows me, what He has me do to serve and please Him is used for my development and delight.

I know we are in a power exchange. It does not mean I need to be working and miserable 24/7 to be a “good” servant. I really do enjoy cleaning and making Master’s home a nice place. It makes me feel good to do that. I get gratification out of it. But I also need those “me” times. And I enjoy them. Master wants me to be happy. And those me things as well as serving and pleasing Him make me happy. It helps our power exchange. It helps keep that other shoe tied on and make our quality of life together better.

I read somewhere once – not sure where it was sorry – that the quality of a relationship is based on the increased satisfaction of both partners – no matter if in a power exchange or not. If one person is not happy or both, that decreases the quality of the relationship.

So even stating all that…knowing I am doing what Master wishes and I should accept that being here working at home, using the me time He gives me are things He wants. It increases my value to Him. My service to Him is increased by my growth as a person inward and outward. But it does not stop the guilt. Not sure how to let go of that…

I go through these phases…I just feel like I need to keep giving and giving – I worry that won’t please Him enough. I worry that I won’t get something right or the way He wants and He will not “accept” or love me. My insecurities flare up and run through me like a hurricane on the loose. In those times my guilt is especially close to the surface.

But then…the peaceful moments…where everything inside quiets down…

I can sit in my calm moments of clarity and see that He loves me. And know that He knows I am doing my best I can right now and that each day I am able to give Him more and more of myself. He believes this is a path and there are steps. He does not “expect” me to surrender everything right away. He knows that my heart wants to give Him everything. Master has been patient and understanding.

I suppose I should stop babbling on this subject…as I am starting to talk in circles.

Friday night Master and I hung out online. He chatted with some friends as I answered emails, posted pictures, and caught up on a few bloggers. Master and I discussed all sorts of things while we were in the office together. It is nice to sit next to each other and work on separate things, but still be able to talk to each other. Quills was on and we chatted about it, then we talked about music. He was looking through all the music I have on my computer. Master was having insomnia. So, He decided we would do our weekly grocery shopping at 1am in the morning. I did a menu and grocery list…which I was having problems with my menu this time, but got it done.

So we got home about 2am and put everything away….before heading to bed.

Saturday morning Master woke me up…we played and had sex (mmmm) before getting ready to go to the Art and Jazz Festival. The Festival was nice, but I have to keep in mind – that I am now living in a smaller town then Cleveland. We had a nice time even though there was not much there. Master said it was smaller this year then it normally. We both looked at the art on display. And I tried to encourage Master to be thinking of selling His photography.

After the festival Master and I ran some errands….including a trip to Home Depot. I can’t even remember at this time why we went there, but Master ended up making this girl mushy and fuzzy. All He did was take a hold of my wrist and led me around by my wrist. And it made me very fuzzy. He would tug, hold tightly, and steer me by it. It made me feel very controlled.

Master ended up keeping me in a fuzzy state for 5 hours. He during the 5 hours He had several things happening to me on and off during that time. He cuffed, chained, and had the ball gag harness on me. He fingered me, put me in the cage and I know other things, but I was so out of it I don’t even remember all that He did to me. During this time, Honey called and she was very understanding when I told her I was a little busy. So she called back on Sunday.

Master did so well with me…He built me up. He teased and teased until I was begging for Him to fuck me. And all this started with…was just the holding my wrist. But of course He just kept adding to it…pushing me further each step.

It was incredible…I am very lucky to have such a GREAT Master!

On Sunday it was mostly a lazy day. We started our day with playing and sex. Always a nice way to start the day with Master. And after that we did the little work – the only work really that we did all day – we pulled weeds. Master really pulled more then I did. After that we called our Father’s for Father’s Day.

Master announced after we pulled weeds, that we were going to get a paper. I had a moment of panic, as I looked horrible…totally non-girly girl. We got up and threw clothes on and went outside to pulled weeds. I pulled my hair up in a pony tail, threw on a oversized t-shirt, and…here are the 2 things that people don’t get to see me in that…I put on…shorts and keds. I don’t hardly ever wear shorts or keds. There are rare moments, but really I hate shorts and tennis shoes. I just don’t like them on me. I don’t feel comfortable in them. So He announced that and I panicked, but then He told me I was just along for the ride. Thank Gawd! But it was still a little un-nerving thinking of people might see me like that lol - so He got some humiliation in without even really trying...or maybe He knew that. lol

We took it pretty easy on Sunday. We just hung out with each other. Took our shower together, watched TV together, took a nap together and hung out with each other all day. It was great. : )

So that was my weekend and now we are heading into Thursday of this week…with another weekend on the way. :)

Monday, June 16, 2003

Friday Five

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
Show my art

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest? Ummm yes as much as I can be…I am ususally diplomatic if I don’t like it.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened? Ummm no, I guess not because I am glad I know what I found out. I would always prefer the truth. I hesitated because the first thing that sprung to my mind was Di and when I asked her if she was in contact with Todd.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why? LOL well the first thing that came to mind was the Beauty series by Anne Rice, but the Market Place would be MUCH more the fictional world I would like to live in. Yummy!

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted? To write.


Your own practice can show you the truth. Your own experience is all that counts. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Sunday, June 15, 2003

sex kitten



You Are A Sex Kitten!


You enjoy your sexuality and teasing others with your bountiful sexual endowments.

Whether it be your hot, hot body that is just dying to be taken in as many orifices as possible, or your sexually charged personality...

Most are unwilling or unable to pass you by.



They have no self-control once you unleash those primal sexual wiles on them.

And they have no choice but to resist and cry for mommy.



Your ideal career would be that of a porn star, because then everyone (with dick firmly in hand) could celebrate your sex drive.

And you could lose yourself to all the carnal pleasures you've ever wanted.

A sex kitten you shall remain!!



What Sexy Woman Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit. - Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, June 14, 2003

This week has been a good week. We have had a lot of good quality time just for us as well as doing some minor little projects around the house. That has been nice.

Today Master is taking me downtown. There is going to be an Art & Jazz Festival with a Chalk Sidewalk Art contest. Master is bringing His digital camera and I am going to ask Him if I can post some of the pictures He takes to my website with the link here. Sunday we will probably have to pull weeds again before they get bad.

Last time we pulled weeds we were sitting in the midst of His yard and 2 young men dressed in dress pants, white dress shirts and ties come up and say do you need help. They were Mormons. And I am sorry…I just don’t like that they go door to door. Religion should not have to be sold. It should touch people, to me, individually. And then “what” they say always seems to tick me off. Anyway, Master was very lighthearted, but I think I scared them off lol

They said “don’t you want to know the truth?” I asked them if they have ever researched other religions such as Buddhism, Judaism and Catholicism. Basically implying how do they know what they are saying is the truth if they have only taken in what they are told. I said I know the truth. I said spirituality is individual to me and I have found the truth that is for me.

I believe spirituality comes to people in different ways and touches people differently. So my next door neighbor might believe in the same things I do but how that came to her/him would probably be different.

I know religions have all different rules but when you break them down to basics…many believe the same thing. Like the golden rule – treat others how you want to be treated. That rule is in many religions…said differently a lot of the time but the intent and meaning is there.

Treat others how you want to be treated is something I try to get keep in mind always. Also a big quote I live my life by is, "A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times, as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda

I would really like to do a lot more work with my spirituality. I would like to learn more about Buddhism then I know now. I need to meditate more. I would love to learn more about chakras and herbs for healing.

But I am straying off topic…the Mormon boys got scared by me lol And left us to pull weeds all on our own. Don’t you think if they really wanted to “convert” me – they would have got down on the ground and pulled some weeds? lol

Okay off the pulling weeds topic….I should be getting ready to go out and spend a great weekend with Master. :)

Friday, June 13, 2003

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Master just pointed out to me that I put I am happy with dot dot dot (. . .) behind it. And I did. I wrote it without even putting much thought into it. But the dots are there...because...I guess part of me is surprised I am happy. Part of me keeps saying something has to be wrong. That other shoe thing you know...

But just to make this absolutely clear...

I AM HAPPY. I feel so good being with Master. For the first time in my life...I know...I KNOW without a doubt that I am in the right place. I know Master is the one to complete me. I know Master is my home. He accepts me..when I am sick, when I am crabby, when I am laughing and being silly, when I am tired....He loves and accepts the good, the bad and the ugly. And I am very happy. And I am a very lucky girl to have found my home...with Master.
I am happy…

I am sitting here with cuff on and my metal collar and I am calm and happy.

My life is probably very mundane and boring to some, but to me it is very good. I like being at home pleasing and serving my Master.

Each day we grow closer and closer. Each day it is amazing to me that I have found someone that I have everything with….we like being with each other. We like just being…being us with each other. Not sure that makes sense…we are just able to be who we are with each other and together we fit to complete each other.

I really like my life. Master is so good to me. I have never been with anyone like Him. He is in control. He is sadistic. He is understanding. He is very loving. I am very lucky and love Him so much.

I had a friend send me an email today and he gave good advice. Both Master and I have went through the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” - and my friend said tie the shoe on. I have this picture frame that I am going to put a picture of Master and I in and on the bottom of it…it has the words inscribed, “Some people pursue happiness others create it.”

I guess I feel Master and I have created it. We create happiness each day. Okay am I sounding a little corny and mushy? Probably but I love Him so much.

We are tying that other shoe on. We do not need to wait for that other shoe to drop. Because we won’t let that happen. We will create, work, grow together to stay on this path.

That would make a good ending to this entry but I am going to babble a little more…

Okay on to other things…Master and I are getting on good schedule. Today was really close to my schedule that I feel I am performing my duties to the best I can in serving my Master. I will probably post my schedule in the next few days.

Our week has been really nice. Monday night He came home and we ran to do some errands. . We got the bins for the laundry room and some other odds and ends. Dinner was a little later then usual. I was having some problems with the potatoes. Tuesday after dinner Master used and abused me. He used the baton on my tits and my back too. The bruises Master made with last time ended up not being just little dots of bruises because He hit them more the next day with slaps and punching them and so were more spread out - covering my breasts more. This time He decided He wanted very distinct bruises and that is what He got on my tits. : )

Last night I had a migraine. And I woke up at 3:30am with it starting to get worse again. Well I am chained to the bed at night so I could not get to the kitchen to get my medicine (plus something to eat – because I have to eat with it). And so I had to wake Him. I felt horribly guilty especially since little girl cat decided to wake Him up at 4:45 the morning before. So, I woke Him up and I did not even finish what I was saying and He was up helping me.

He was concerned about me. He took care of me…just like I have taken care of Him when He was sick.

We have this power exchange…we are Master and slave. I do what He tells me, but we also take care of each other. We are friends, lovers, companions, and Master/slave. We are in a relationship and take care of each other.

Today thinking about how He took care of me made me cry. Good tears…that I have someone so amazing in my life that I am finally at home with…Master.

I am a lucky girl
Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine - Buddha

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Truth is no theory, no speculative system of philosophy, no intellectual insight. Truth is exact correspondence with reality. -Paramhansa Yogananda

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. - Ambrose Redmoon

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Happy Birthday Lisa!

Just wanted to wish Lisa a very Happy Birthday! Hope your day is awesome! *kisses and hugs to you*

Monday, June 09, 2003

This weekend has been grand.

:)

I love Master so much!

This weekend we played, went out and about…and did not do any projects or anything really around the house (and oh my can I tell).

This week I am going to be a busy domestic girl. I think I will be coming closer to a schedule now that we are getting things so organized. We have a dry erase board on our refrigerator and Master puts things on it He wants done and when He wants them done by. It also has room for things that we need…such as right now on the list is plastic bins for the laundry room. Master has a shelving unit in there with tools and need some bins to organize it better. Also on the list is cutting board and garbage can. His cutting board has plastic little feet on it and 2 of them have fallen off so it is time for a new one. I will keep that one as a back up one though I am sure.

I really love doing things in the house for Him. I love that the bathroom is better organized so it will make it easier for Master. Yes, it makes it easier for me, but while I do things I think how will Master like this and how will it make His live better/easier.

It is nice to do these things for Him. They help me in keeping up with the house, but both help His life be more organized and easier. : )

He has liked all the changes I have done. Also everything I have cooked so far Master has liked. I am so happy about that.

I have been really happy being domestic….cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and such. I am kind of surprised by that…I mean I am surprised I have not gotten bored with it at all. When things are finally into a routine, I still don’t think I am going to be bored. I just will give me more time to find things to help make Masters life better.

Master has let me stay up to do this entry tonight as I am kind of wired. Tonight I did a fashion show for Him - something that was hard for me to do, but with me leaving in 2 weeks for Grumbler and wench's – I want what I need to go to Thunder ready also. So, now that is all decided. I know only a month early LOL But really with all that I have to do before going to Grumbler and wench's, I needed that out of the way.

Master loved the fashion shows. I was totally girly girl and showing off leg, cleavage and having to turn around and let Him examine me. Like I said it was something that was hard for me, but right now as I write about it, I smile thinking about how it pleased Him.

I feel like being in a sharing mood, but still I am not sharing lots of details….

Friday Master was home sick from work, but by the end of the day He felt better and so we ran to Sam’s to stock up on some things. We get most of our meat from there and then I bring it home and break it down into nice size packages for me to freeze - instead of those huge packages they come in. We came home to drop all that off and then went to dinner. Master gave me the night off cooking and also gave me the PMS food I was craving LOL Hamburger, fries and a shake. He is so good to me. On the way to dinner He played with me in the car and made me all fuzzy so that I was out of it while we ate dinner. He of course loves that because I become so out of it and He gets me to say lots of stupid things. Later in the evening after it got dark Master wanted to get some nighttime portraits of us, so we went and did that. We had fun. Really interesting place we went and it is fun to have 2 artists seeing different things.

Saturday morning…was hard. Master had me do something really hard. It was very emotional and intense for me….scary, exciting, overwhelming and so on. After getting through that – we then had to deal with my emotions crashing. We got through it of course. And then went on with our day. We went to Target and then…Master being the most wonderful Master in the world brought me downtown to walk through the shops and get ice cream. He took me to one shop in particular. It is a new age gift/book store. And oh my it looked like a store made just for me. Walking in the first thing we come to, were Amy Brown prints. Oh Amy Brown! Master knows I love her work and He was anxious to see my reaction to them. I think we spent an hour in there alone. It is an incredible store…I saw presents for everyone in there….I would go “ohhhh look that would be perfect for...” – It was a really great store. After we came home, I started dinner. I did Italian sausages, red, green, and yellow peppers in spaghetti sauce over spaghetti. Something I got from Lisa…who got it from Olive Garden. Master loved it. He thought it was even better then spaghetti and meat sauce. He loved the flavor…the sausage and peppers gave the sauce. We watched Trading Spaces as we had dinner.

After dinner, I realized I had my period and so Master being the most bestest Master in the world took me to get a cherry limeade and then we went on a drive. I can’t believe how beautiful it is here. I am truly amazed I live in this….surroundings. Every where I look I am in awe….of the mountains. The drive we took was beautiful. The sun was setting and it was so breathtaking. And seeing it with Master made it so much more incredible.

He is an amazing Man. I am not sure…why I got so lucky…in Him finding me and wanting me. Because some days I wonder how He can put up with me. He takes such good care of me. Yes, He uses me, He is mean and sadistic but He also is very understanding and attentive to me. He gives me so much. And I hope that one day I give Him everything He has always wanted…I hope these baby steps reach to the place where I complete the dream He has had in His mind for so long.


Thursday, June 05, 2003

I am really tired right now and don’t have a reason to be really. Except for my usual reason that I don’t sleep well.

Today I was busy being domestic. Master has been home for 2 days and that then throws me off my schedule of housecleaning and such here. Even though I do enjoy Him being home with me. :)

So today Master went in for a ½ day basically and I caught up on some laundry, then cleaned the bathroom and re-organized it. Refolded all the linens also and reorganized it. And then did many of my normal daily things – straightening up the kitchen, picking up things and so on.

I had not made stuffed peppers since being married. And I mentioned to Master that I wanted to make them but he said he did not like them, but that he would try them again. And so I made some that can be done vegetarian but I added in some ground hamburger. And Master liked them. :)

I have also tried to start preparing Him for when I go out of town. I leave to go to Laz and wench’s wedding at the end of the month. I am looking forward to seeing them, but will miss Master a lot. The day I come back we go straight to Thunder.

I have been thinking about my friend that died a lot still. And still have sadness from it.

I am not sure what to write tonight. I have lots of things floating around but right now I just am not in a sharing mood if people can’t tell from reading. I have gone through this phase before. I always come back to being open and sharing again.

His…SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): A repeating issue in your life may involve the question of whether to focus on the big issues or to attend to the little details. Now, as you are drawn in your imagination toward recreating the adventure you’ve set aside, you find that you first must take care of crossing the “t”s and dotting the “i”s. Do this well and you’ll also move toward the future you’d like to have.


mine…LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you can let yourself off the hook for a while, you have a chance to take whatever struggles you’re facing and convert the stress into creative channels. You need to express yourself in ways that are uniquely and eclectically you. This isn’t for someone else. This isn’t to please a partner. It’s to touch your own inner process and manifest meaning in your life.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Monday Memory

Do you remember the first record you ever bought? Was it vinyl? Cassette? CD? Album... single...?
What was it.. are you ashamed to admit that you bought that? Do you even still own it!?
Please share.


The first record I bought was The Kinks -Give The People What They Want. It was vinyl. It was a record album. I am not ashamed I bought it but I am ashamed that I lent it to someone and she never returned it. I bought it because I was at a friend’s house and she went in and borrowed a record from her older brother. I remember her always seeming to be into some great music and I think it was a lot to do with her older brothers. And after listening to it – then I went out and bought it. I had not bought a record before. I had always been given them or begged my Mom to buy them for me.

Tuesday This-n-That
1. Cats or dogs? Dogs even though Master has cats
2. Butterflies or birds? butterflies
3. Horses or cows? Cows…that is just for Ray. :)
4. Turtles or snakes? turtles
5. Frogs or grasshoppers? frogs
6. Lions or tigers? Lions
7. Elephants or mice? Elephants for sure…I have a great fear of mice
8. Porcupines or aardvarks? aardvarks
9. Unicorns or dragons? dragons
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You live in a rather dumpy apartment. A friend offers you a chance to be a roommate at a new place s/he is moving into, but they don't allow pets. You have a pet. Do you find your pet a new home and take the new place, or do you keep your pet and stay put? I stay put.

Friday Five
1. What do you most want to be remembered for? being understanding...being creative, a good friend...that is a question I have never asked myself so that is just off the top off of my head.
2. What quotation best fits your outlook on life? "A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times, as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan
3. What single achievement are you most proud of in the past year? Finding happiness as Master’s willing captive : )
4. What about the past ten years? Being brave enough to leave the safety of my life in Kansas to go after what my heart desired….so that I could be the person I knew I needed to be
5. If you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say? I would tell them to follow their heart. My heart has given me understanding, given me perserverence and courage and so much more. So following your heart.
If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. - Anonymous

Through self-effort and self-knowledge make the mind no-mind. Let infinite Consciousness swallow the finite mind, and then go beyond everything. -Maharamayana

If you can only rid yourselves of conceptual thought, you will have accomplished everything. -Huang Po, "Zen Teaching of Huang Po"

Monday, June 02, 2003

Tonight my mom called….

She told me that a childhood friend….had died back in February. She did not find out until tonight. I was visibly affected by it. Master knew it was bad news right away.

Here is the odd thing about it –when I was here with Master in February, I thought of this childhood friend, as I knew he lived in Colorado. I wondered if he lived near Master. I thought about how when I moved here to be with Master that maybe he and I could contact this friend. He is a twin. I have not seen the twins in over 20 years. But they have always been a part of my thoughts and memories. They were a BIG part of my life.

When I was a 4 years old, my family moved to a small North Dakota town near the Canadian border. The twins lived across the street. They were my friends, protectors, secret tellers….they were first experiences - first kiss, first time playing doctor, first time for lots of things that shaped me. They are the reason I believe I still trust men. And I was only 4 when I met them and I moved away at 10. So how could they affect that? Well….it was the same time that bad things were happening to me. And I felt safe with these boys always. They were good friends…best friends up to that point. They were incredible to me. I trusted them. And at that young of age I knew the meaning of trust.

It shook me right away when my mom told me.

My mother told me that the other twin lives in Colorado now too. She was going to get me his address.

I miss him...I feel a loss...

How is that I miss someone that I have not seen for so long? Does that make sense? Someone explain it to me?
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