Peeking Little Girl

A couple months ago, Master bought me some double chocolate malt balls.  I really am not sure why I had a craving for them as it is just not something that I crave ever, but I did.  When I popped one in my mouth and bit down, I had a strong memory flood to the surface. I didn't think about it until I tasted them and surprised I didn't have it come back when I started getting the craving.  But it took a bite to remember that I used to buy some at Malley's Candy store in Cleveland for Kam. They were one of his favorite things.

Kam was my dominant, Master and Daddy years ago.He and I had a pretty intense Daddy/little girl relationship. Some of it was me becoming a little girl with baby talk, dressed in pink with pigtails tied in ribbon, squishing my teddy bear tightly in my arms. Some of it was more role-play - such as playing a catholic school girl being sent home with a bad report card and being punished by Daddy. Some of it was me as an adult woman having that nurturing protective role of Daddy there always for me.

Kam was Daddy from the first moment I met him.  It was like the little 4 year old girl had been waiting for him.  Because of that I feel he helped me deal  with abuse from when I was that age. I see now how it was a way to heal that little girl inside me.

Because of how intense and the role it played in the dynamic with Kam, it has been hard to do age play with Master. Kam died 3 years ago and we had unresolved issues - so I have always assumed that was partly the reason I had trouble releasing that side of me. But I do wonder if I needed that side at that time with him to heal and maybe I don't need that anymore or I don't need it in the same way. I can feel that part bubble to the surface at times, but just little peeks. I guess I am not sure if it is a something that I don't need anymore or if it is just not the right time or if it needs to be different .....not sure what other reasons. 

Master is Daddy to me, but not as little girl - age play sense. It is more as an adult woman who likes the feeling he gives me - such as feeling extremely safe and protected by him. I am extremely shy and having Daddy there to help me navigate social settings is amazing. Being able to hold his hand as he navigates us through a crowded room. Or leads a conversation when he knows I am having problems are all things that make me feel nurtured and protected by him. He is Daddy in that sense.

Recently several instances have come up - the malt balls, a game and just someone said something that reminded me of Kam.  It is making those feelings of desire for that side come up more.  It made me wonder if that part is getting ready to come back out.  I know for sure it has made me smile instead of having a sense of sadness. I guess time will tell if that part of me will do more than peek.

Venturing out into the BDSM Community

I miss my Ohio BDSM community. It was made up of several amazing groups with diverse group of people and kinks. It wasn't always a perfect match for me, but really it can't be - it has to be about being around like-minded people and welcoming everyone.  I think the 2 groups I was mainly involved with always did a really good job of being inclusive to everyone.  From those groups, I formed an amazing circle of friends that I miss FIERCELY.  

The Ohio BDSM community recently went through some changes and that always kind of causes issues and growing pains.  Over the years I have seen just about every group/community go through changes and growing pains.  We as people change and evolve so why wouldn't a community grow and evolve too. 

In thinking about the Ohio groups, I had some very fond memories come up. I was talking to Master last night about my very first time I ventured out into the community.  I was a slave in a poly household. But at that moment I was the only one living with my Owner.  It was a very brief time of being alone with him and being alone without lots of people in and out of the house. So frankly - I got lonely and found someone bondage.com - a very nice woman who was submissive. She told me about Ohio SMART and that they had a submissive group that met once a month. So for my first venture into the community I went to a submissive meeting.

It was an interesting experience. I am so glad I did it. But it was a little odd for me at first. I was the only submissive in the group that identified as slave and lived it 24/7.

As a slave, I sometimes have different protocols then other submissives and bottoms around me. Such as that first meeting, they had a dominant coming to give a spanking demo. No where in the description of the evening did it say anything about that, when the leader contacted me when I RSVP'd never mentioned it - the description and her email only talked about about submissive women getting together to discuss BDSM topics.  So, I had no idea a male dominant was going to be there.  When it was announced he would be there soon, I said that I would need to leave and everyone asked why and so I told them. I said that I didn't know a male dominant would be there and didn't inform my Master. Really at first they had a hard time understanding it because they hadn't been around anyone in a Master/slave dynamic.  A girl there offered me her cell phone to call my Master (in the day and age where cell phones were just coming out) and ask  - so I did.  He allowed me to stay just not participate.  

It was interesting that after that meeting, they only had a few more with dominant's come to demo and always told me before hand. They had never given it thought before that it might go against what some relationship protocols and thankfully took that into account after meeting me.

My first time speaking was because of being involved with Ohio SMART. I am a HORRIBLE public speaker. Honestly horrible! But I remember that fondly as one woman came up to me after. She looked straight into my eyes and said, "I get it. I get you."  We were fast friends and I have so many amazing memories that include her. 

It is my hope that one day, because our local community growing, I will have many fond memories with friend made through it.  I know I am already really having some good ones.  Very thankful for the growing community and friends made through it!

BDSM Blacklist

On Salon.com there is an article about starting a BDSM Blacklist.  Now whenever I see articles or discussions about a blacklist I realize Master would probably be on the list because I get comments and questioning from people in the BDSM community how I am being abused.  I realize that often those are the people that would be adding/nominating people for the blacklist.

But as someone who has seen both sides of where this can go - it just scares me and annoys the crap out of me when these discussions are started.

I have been abused and raped. I was sexually abused as a child, gang  raped at 18 and physically and verbally abused as an adult (which I will get into further down in the post). As a child, I didn't know how to stop it. It was very confusing.  I hold my attacker responsible solely for doing what he did to me.  As a child, I didn't have the right decision making skills to know what to do. I was helpless and under the adult's authority so I had no choices. He was absolutely wrong in what he did and should have been locked up as I am sure he hurt more children. 

Here comes an unpopular view though....at 18...I do take some of the responsibility. The main responsibility falls on that man that raped me and had me gang raped. But I do hold some responsibility and before I took that responsibility I felt like victim. After I realized my role in it - I took my power back and felt more empowered. Staying in the victim role, kept me in a cage for years. And not a fun bdsm cage - but a cage within myself where I was really hard on myself. But when I admitted out loud my role in it then I could take back my power and walk forward.  I know that many don't agree with that view but it helped me to think like that and if it helps me take my power back then to me that is all that matters. I understand that might not work for many and do not view it the same. 

I know I didn't I deserved to be rape - no one does but that is a thought that did go through my brain at one time. I know even at 18 and because of my early childhood sexual abuse my reasoning and decision making skills were skewed and that the main responsibility lies in the men that raped me and not me. It isn't that these men were right or anything like that but I could have done things different to help my situation.  And in viewing it that way helped me learn, grow and move forward. I am not saying it would help others to view it that way - it just helped ME. When I said no and stop with them, they should have stopped - instantly. But they didn't.  They are responsible for those actions.  I am responsible for being involved with him when I knew he was bad news.  Again doesn't make anything he did or said to me right. He was wrong.

When I started in the BDSM community, I was all excited to be experiencing all the fun kinky things I could and it was hard to keep my head on my shoulders and not get involved in situations and with people that weren't probably the right type of people for me. Thankfully though I was lucky and didn't get hurt or at least hurt badly enough that I felt lines were crossed in those early days of exploring.  

It was actually after I had been in the BDSM community for many years that I ended up having boundary lines cross. The incidents happened about  1 year within each other. Each of  these 2 men crossed lines.  I regret that it happened. I regret I didn't speak up to them more than I did. One of the gentlemen apologized for crossing the line and we both learned a lot from the situation.  The other one told me I was the type of submissive that will do anything so that is why he crossed the line. He crossed it purposely because he felt he could walk over me. I did say stop. I did negotiated boundaries and it didn't matter to him.  (See when people get into the you need a safeword for those type of situations - I always tell them this man wouldn't have stopped for a safeword. A word won't protect me.) That man doesn't believe that he had crossed lines because my "lines are meant to be crossed".  

Both crossed negotiated lines, but neither of them would I ever say put on a BDSM blacklist.  The one man learned from it and the other, well in talking to those in his community, which I did before I palyed with him and after, he never crossed lines. I still wouldn't put him on the list.  This is where you do the best with the information you have - in talking to people since this is someone I was playing with - out of my area - they said he was safe.  I took the risk to play with him and he crossed lines.  I told him my issues and hopefully he heard. But I did also take to heart what he said - he told me that he felt like I was the type of submissive that would let my boundaries be crossed. So again for me some responsibility falls back on myself because I walked into a situation never seeing him play or knowing enough about him.  Also when he was crossing those lines, I didn't get firm with him on stopping. It might not have mattered in the situation, but I should have tried.  I did let him walk over me. He was wrong for ignoring our negotiated boundaries but it made me be a stronger bottom/submissive in the future because I didn't want that to happen again. 

Now there was one more dominant I was with that most people would put on a BDSM blacklist. All my friends felt he was too extreme and dangerous.  But I don't think he crossed lines because he said to me before he even laid a finger on me -  that if I got involved with him there were no lines.  Only his lines. If I didn't want him to cross something, then don't get involved with him.  But he explained that he would cross lines if I played with him.  I walked in knowing that he would cross my lines, but really at that time in my life I wanted him to cross those lines...I wanted to be pushed. He did cross and push many times over and I can say without a doubt I don't regret being with him.  But he did make it clear he would not respect soft or hard limits before he even laid a hand on me.      

After I became Master's, I was on an egroup on yahoo (yes back in the days of egroups) and the owners of the group published that man's full name and phone number on their group.  They labeled him as "dangerous."  That he didn't stick to negotiations.  First thing I did was write him to let him know his info was posted on a public egroup to 100's of people.  And then I wrote the owners of the group and said that I didn't agree with that - as someone who had played with him he states right away he is extreme and will cross lines and boundaries and if you don't want that  - don't get involved with him. He doesn't negotiate.  They thought that meant he was dangerous that he wouldn't negotiate. Dangerous for people who aren't smart enough to believe him when he says that he won't negotiate? Yes I guess so. But when you walk in knowing it would be that way - well that just makes you not thinking very logically. Does that mean he should be on a dangerous list?  No, not in my opinion. He lays out what he expects and for some people like me - I liked that and desired that.  I wanted it and if it became too much I could walk away.  In the end I didn't walk away for anything that he did to me in SM play.  I just wanted a more full and rounded relationship not just the play and he wasn't willing to go there.

What happens in some situations - and I am not saying every situation is like this - is that the person gets upset because they don't realize that what they signed up for or that negotiated boundaries were going to go to that place that is too hard or extreme for them. After it is done they basically say that the person was dangerous, even though it was worked out ahead of time that they might go to that line. It is the submissive regretting she gave consent. I have found that some submissives crave the rough and extreme stuff, but when actually in the situation go - "oh no this isn't for me." It is perfectly okay to say this isn't how it was in my head or how I thought it would be I need to stop.  But often what I have seen happen instead of stopping and leaving - she gets upset and says that the dominant is dangerous. 

I have also seen in the community where a couple plays a few times and then one or the other breaks it off and well...the partner starts playing with another and then it comes out from the submissives that he is dangerous.  It usually comes across as she is jealous that he found another partner.  

And then there are the times of course when someone really did violate boundaries. It does happen.  It happens I think more then we want to talk about it. I do think it should be talked about but I still am not wanting to start a black list. I still don't feel it is the right thing to do.  Who would decide who is on this black list? Would the person that I played with, apologized, learned from the situation be on that blacklist? Would the dominant that told me upfront  how we would play be on that list?   Who decided and what are the deciding factors. I think abuse and what a person constitutes as abuse is a very personal thing. 


One of my relationships, after the M/s part of it ended, we were still together - living together as girlfriend/boyfriend.  But it was a very volatile relationship that had abuse in it. That partner threw me against walls, backhanded hard enough that I would fall down, was verbally abuse, threw things at me and I had people tell me to get out that he was abusing me, but really I couldn't admit it to myself until a certain point and I feel it was important for my healing and moving forward that I did decide that for myself.  It is hard to admit you are in an abusive relationship. I believe I hadn't put a stop to it before then because I felt like I deserved it.  It wasn't until I was able to admit to myself - I don't deserve this treatment that I could stand up and fight back. So when grabbed me again....and was ready to throw me against wall again....something snapped inside that said no more.  I told him that if he tried it again - I would call the cops. He stopped. I am not sure I ever told friends or blogged about that experience but after talking to Master about this subject he told me he felt it was significant to this topic.  

It is hard for me to admit that one. I had lot of help with my sexual abuse and rape - dealing with it and processing it. But not sure I processed the abusive relationship I had been in because I just don't like thinking of that time but instead focus on the M/s parts of it and the Daddy/little girl parts which weren't abusive. It was only after the M/s ended that the abuse started happening. 

I am sharing those experiences so that it is known I understand abuse and rape, but still doesn't make me want a BDSM Black List.  Someone telling me he was on a Black List wouldn't have made me wake up faster from the abuse. 

I used many factors when I was single and going to play with someone new. I watched the person play, watched how they were with those play partners, I watched them just interact with people in general were they polite or arrogant and pushy.  I used a lot of internal instincts too - and that isn't measurable with facts and figures or a list. But even with all those things....doesn't mean that you won't be the person that they now decide to hack off toes. Someone not on a list doesn't automatically mean they are a good person. We have to use common sense.  What might be okay for me might not be okay for you so that man that I didn't negotiate with because he didn't allow that - is okay for me but obviously that isn't the type of play for everyone.  If he was on that list, then someone who wants what he does would end up missing out on a good time.  That man that I played with who learned and grew from the situation we had together - he was a really good man and lots of people would miss out on him if he ended up a blacklist.  Master and I have a relationship that is suitable to us and putting him on a blacklist won't make him suddenly unsuitable for me. 

A blacklist doesn't work because it won't be based on criteria that works for everyone. It won't stop that guy who I played with and crossed my lines with me but hadn't up until that point.  Because no one will know about him.  It doesn't keep us safe.  It just harms innocent people that end up on it.  

Slut

When I was married, I bought a pair of shoes that were out of my norm. They were sexy black high heels. I had been drawn to them in the store and said to myself just try them on does not mean you need to buy them.  But of course that didn't happen. I put them on and saw how my legs looked in them...how sexy they made me look and they ended coming home with me.  

I showed them to my husband that night. Putting them on and modeling them. He nodded and smiled - but really didn't offer any comment on them.  He didn't seem overly enthusiastic and it bothered me.  Later that week, I decided maybe I should bring them back because he didn't seem to like them on me.  So I put them on a table in our living room so that I would remember to take them back. 

My ex-husband asked why they were there and I said "I am taking them back because you didn't seem to like me in them."  He looked at the shoes for a moment and then me and said, "I just am not sure why you bought them. They made you look like a slut."  He walked away to go to do something after he said that. I held in the tears.  My husband had just called me a slut and it cut me.  It wasn't something I wanted to hear or liked to hear.  It is so odd how I can see the shoes on the table in my mind so clearly even today 15 years later.

The shoes went back within hours of him calling me a slut because I was so upset.  I later told him that I thought they made me look sexy. He went on to explain that it looked like I was wanting to go out and fuck a football team with them because they were fuck me heels so I just looked like a slut ready to give it up to anyone.  I cried. He soothed me and told me I wasn't a slut and he didn't want his wife to look like a slut.  So no sexy high heels for me.

The word slut stung though. I didn't like then. I felt ashamed.  I felt dirty and just bad to be called a slut. 

But that changed...

My first relationship after my marriage was a D/s one.  He called me a slut and at first I wanted to hide from it.  He saw the reaction and he then told me how he loved that I was so responsive to his touch and words, he loved the I was sexual and wanton and that is what made me a slut in eyes...my sexual nature.  He used it more and more and each time I grew wetter.  It started to turn me on to be called a slut.  I even felt pride being a slut for him.  I learned to embrace the word slut from then on. But I did get tripped up with it every so often still. 

When I moved to Ohio, I often came back to where my ex-husband lived. I had family and friends in the area. My ex-husband and I were friend at that time - we aren't anymore.  I would stay with him when I came back. One time shortly after I had moved to Ohio, I came back to get some of my stuff and stayed with him.   While there I was seeing friends and family too. So one night I was going to go out with a friend for dinner and I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt, a blouse showing off cleavage, thigh highs and high heels. My ex-husband told me I looked like a slut.  It started those old tapes of him saying that before - I ran to the bedroom crying.  I called and cancelled on my friend as I was so upset. 

I tried to remind myself that many men liked it that I looked sexy and that I was a sexual creature. But my ex-husband obviously didn't.   It was his issue.  But it had ruined the moment and I couldn't get myself past it for while. But eventually with Kam, I got myself past the word slut again. He reminded me why I liked it and why I should embrace it. 

So on another visit to my ex-husbands, I was going out to a BDSM play party in the area with friends, so I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt leather skirt with a slit on the thigh, a blouse that laced up the front displaying my cleavage, thigh highs, and sexy high heels.  My ex-husband looked at me and said "you look like a slut."  I looked at him and with a huge smile on my face said, "damn right and damn proud to be one."  He looked at me like I had grown another head. I explained I didn't find that word to be a bad word anymore. That I was sexy and sexual and enjoyed my sexual nature and it wasn't a bad thing - it was a good thing. It made me feel good. He just shook his head. He didn't get it.  I went to my party and had fun. I didn't let his issues with the word ruin it for me.  

In all my following relationships, I have been called a slut and it makes me blush at times but in ways that are good that remind me who I am and what I enjoy.  It is a term of endearment to me now. 

Mixed Bag

Yesterday I was cleaning out a trunk we have in the bedroom but really doesn't get used except to have a quilt draped over it and to deposit clothes after wearing them.  Anyway, I am spring cleaning so decided to open the trunk and see what we had in there exactly and it was the most eclectic mix  bag of things that I found...

• a card from a friend in Ohio - that was from my going away party when I was moving to be with Master
• purses - I am not allowed a purse except for rare occasions. When I moved here, Master made me get rid of all my purses except like 5 of them - and I had a HUGE bin full of them. It was hard to whittle it down to just a handful. 
• a pin that used to blink that says "It's all about me"
• a business card of my attorney in Ohio - when my logo was flashed on the news I went to see to make sure I wasn't going to be getting in trouble
• a receipt from when Master and I met in Cheyenne when I was moving here. He met me there as I was nervous about traveling through mountains so he was basically going to guide me in to Colorado. So we met in Cheyenne - on May 9th, 2003 and when I had left in the morning from my stop in Nebraska it was sunny and warm. Just beautiful spring weather and when I got to Cheyenne in my short skirt and sandals - I had to dig out warm clothes as I was walking through INCHES of thick fluffy snow.  But the reason for the receipt was that I got a flat tire and just made it to the hotel. Master and I then took it to a tire place in the morning as I had something in the tire so they patched it. 
• mix tapes from high school - so 80's music
• old floppy disks - that I believe have naked or at least scantily clad photos of myself
• and last but not least my very first vibrator. It was hard plastic with rubber sleeves. I only have the one sleeve that is on it and I know it doesn't work anymore but I guess I had problems throwing it out. Master said we should put up a little shrine for it with a candle in front of it.  

"Can I move in this weekend?"

Master went on a business trip the beginning of May. But right before he left he had chatted with a girl who wanted to move in. Now I don't know lots of details such as if he messaged her or how he became talking to her but I do know he had only talked to her once and she was asking to move in.

I often think do I live in a reality where someone really thinks that is possible? That we are really going to let a person we don't know except for one online chat conversation, move in? And why on earth would she want to move in with people she doesn't know anything about?

But then I do remember when lived in the poly household....

I was really sick...sick to the point that my doctor said if I had waited one more day to come in - I could have been dead. I was in bed groggy and out of it because I was on pain killers and the door opened - my dominant at that time wanted me to talk on the phone to someone he had been talking to. So I talked to her and she is very nice. Towards the end of the conversation she says, "I just can't wait to meet you tomorrow. I know you are sick so I will be able to take care of you." I was stunned. I had just heard that he had chatted with this person a few times the day before. He hadn't even expressed that she was a real interest just that he was chatting with someone new. And then I find out she is moving in the next day and I find it out from HER not HIM. So here I am sick as a dog and the house was a huge mess because I had been so sick for so long.... and now we had someone new moving in with her teenage daughter into our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. Yeah I was really excited about that...

But...

Thankfully I ended up liking her a lot. You know there is always some problems in relationships - so ours wasn't any different. But for big picture - we cared about each other and got along.

So back to the present....
Okay so this girl who lives several hours away, wants to move in this weekend. Her Master and his wife decided they don't want to do the lifestyle anymore so she needs to move out. So this girl asked Master to make her his slave and move her in the next weekend.

Master came in after his conversation with him - straight faced to tell me he was moving in a slave. He did it to see the look on my face. I knew he was kidding because he wouldn't ever move in someone he didn't know and more importantly I didn't know but I still made the face - like you got to be out of your mind if you think that is going to happen. Yep I have those thoughts. Master couldn't believe she was asking either.

Master checked on her a few weeks later just to see if she found anyone that would do that because he was curious. And she ended up moving in with a former Master.

But Master will still at time just tell me hey I am going to be pick up that slave now - just to get me going. He loves ramping me up on these topics that just annoy me just to see my feathers get ruffled.

Breath Play

Questions from the FetLife group Breath Play Fetish: What sparked your interest? When was your first time? how did it feel? how often do you do it now? how often would you like to do it? and have you ever experienced the "bad" stuff we have all heard about?

First I have heard all the warnings of breath play. I read Jay Wiseman's take on it. And I have talked to people in the medical field about it too. And I have read Vamp's very detailed essay on the subject too. I know the risks.

So on to answering the questions...I did some breath play with Don but my real interest didn't happen until I was married. A friend of mine was talking about it - that her and her boyfriend did it during sex. And the thought turned me on so I shared it with Jim and he liked the thought of it too. So we started playing with it. It started with his hand over my mouth, pillow smothering me but then we eventually tried it with a silk tie (from my silk bathrobe) around my neck. And I loved it. I mean LOVED IT! The first time I blacked out - it of course kind of freaked us both out. But the rush. And how it felt during it was so great that I wanted it again. And we did do it again and again.

One of my favorite ways was from behind but Jim preferred being able to see my face to really see what was going on. But agreed that from behind was hot. He would take me anally from behind and pull on the tie. And it was....well hard to describe..the pain from being taken anally (at the time anal sex was still new for us too), the tie getting tightening around my neck and the the panic that comes with that, the lack of control that came with not being able to get away from it all with his weight against me and the tie around my neck . My brain trying to process it all just almost too much that it made it - a total turn on for me. And he enjoyed the control. I probably can remember every time we did it like that. As I said he preferred to look at me for safety reasons really but we both liked it better from behind.

Master and I engage in breath play pretty regularly during sex. Mostly in forms of him covering my mouth and nose, using the gas mask and at times pressure on carotid arteries with just his hands.

I haven't ever had a "bad" experience or at least anything that I put into the bad experience column. I have been held underwater, had a plastic bag over my head, saran wrapped around my head, various forms of strangulation and pressure on the carotid arteries and each one gives me a thrill. Breath play is one of my favorite things. I know it isn't for everyone. I know it has risks. But it is risks that I am willing to take.

Slut in the Woods

This month doesn't look like it is going to be a good month for blogging. We were out of a few days at the beginning of the month. And then I have been having computer problems that make me not want to be on here very long. And now this week I have been cleaning to prepare for out of town guests. After they leave we have a few days at home before we go out of town for several days - business related. So October is pretty much burnt up.

So I will share a story that I think I have shared before but I don't know where it is in my blog...it was before I was with Master. There was this gentleman that I was friends who was dominant. We would met for coffee, lunch, hang out and such but never played. Anyway we had talked about having some kinky fun but never just could get the timing right. So finally it happened...he told to dress in a short skirt, thigh highs, no bra or panties, sexy blouse and heels. I put on a short short black skirt, black thigh highs that had a wide black band on top instead of lace, a chiffon poets blouse that was floral print. It plunged deep and had a few keyhole buttons on it. It was a little bit see-through.

It was beginning of March so still cold, but not really any snow on the ground at that time. But it was not dry out, as it had been rainy and cloudy that day. I got in his car and he immediately starts in on me with his words and touches. He pulled my tits out of my blouse and started squeezing and slapping. He had me spread my legs wide apart and slapped and inner thighs. He called me names and I knew I was getting wet right away.

We drove to a wooded park with trails. We sat in his car while he bound my tits with bungee cords and then added nipple clamps with a lead chain on them. He pulled the lead out through one of the little keyholes in my blouse. You could see my tits point straight out like I was wearing a bullet bra. You could see them bound if you looked close enough at the blouse.

He told me to stay, as he got out of the car. He walked down the parking lot and disappeared on a trail as I sat in the car for a bit. It was mid-day and kind of cold so there were not many people out there. He came back and pulled me out by my hair roughly. He pulled me close and slapped my tits as he whispered into my ear that I looked like such whore. He picked up the lead chain and yanked. I let out a moan of pain. My breasts had already become very sensitive from being bound and clamped.

He pulled my coat off. He pulled my skirt up so it was barely covering my bum. But showing off the tops of my thigh highs. He pushed my thighs open and slapped my thighs hard over and over. And rubbed lightly over my cunt to tease me...it throbbed right away. I moaned. He laughed at me "slut" in a low and wicked voice that gave me shivers. He wrapped and tied my wrists up with a scarf and draped my coat over my tied wrists.

He then took the lead chain coming from the clamps and started to walk. We were walking fast and it was hard at times to keep up with him. We started off on a trail and then he pulled me off the trail. I had to walk over tree limbs and past bushes. He would stop and push me against a tree roughly slapping my tits that throbbed with pain from being bound so tight. He would hurt me and then start walking again - pulling me to follow. I would feel the twigs grabbing at my ankles and calves. Then suddenly he would stop and push me into a tree again and pull my skirt all the way up spanking me. And just as suddenly as we stopped we started walking again him pulling me along again. He would tell me to speed up. He would laugh at me as I struggled in my heels walking (more like tripping) through wet leaves and dirt. I got caught on fallen branches and would stumble and again he would laugh at me just speed up making me practically run. Which of course with my bound tits made them bounce and jiggle causing me to wince and moan in pain. He then would stop and push me against a tree and slap my tits again. He hit them so hard I let out a little scream so he slapped me across the face telling me to be quiet. Being rough with me - seeing the sadism in his eyes knowing I needed to be quiet.

He then pulled me along again...fast making me fall on my knees. He came behind me and spanked my ass and kicked at me. He laughed at my clumsiness. He told me to stay on my knees. He took my coat, undid my hands from the scarf making me crawl - following him on my hands and knees. I crawled in the wet leaves and dirt. I felt the twigs ripe into my thigh highs snagging them and scratching against my skin. It then started to sprinkle rain again soon. He laughed at me again saying how desperate I must be to crawl after him. That I must be a wanton slut that would hump a tree to get off.

He pushed my face down...near the dirt...he didn't push it in the dirt but got really close. He told me that I belonged in the dirt. He made me say it. He then said you are a piggy in the mud. He went over and over how dirty I was and that I was a slut in the mud. He finally pulled me up by my long hair roughly. Then he pushed me against a tree and pulled my tits out of my blouse...squeezing them telling me that I was a pig, a slut, a whore, a cunt and so on. He slapped them hard over and over before removing the bondage and clamps.

Soon we were walking again and he pulled my skirt down and guided me by my neck with my hair covering his hands. He then leaned into me and said someone is following us. He had me turn and sure enough back there through the trees I saw someone. He said keep walking. We turned to get back on the trail. We walked a bit and soon the man was not there. B thought he got bored when we started behaving so left us alone. We then walked a ways and went off the trail again. He stopped and pushed me against a tree to spank me. Then walk a little bit again - stopping soon to play with my tits. And then walk for a bit soon stopping to play with my cunt. He slapped, rubbed and grabbed my cunt hard. Being rough with it. And I squirmed and moaned. This repeated a few times...walk, stop & spank, walk, stop & play with my tits, walk, stop & play with my cunt. Finally he stopped and had me start stroking his cock...which shortly was followed by me being pushed to my knees in the dirt and giving him a blowjob. After he came, he told me to get straightened up and we walked back to his car. We sat there and talked for a bit before he took me home.

I remember being so wet and turned on. It even turned me on thinking someone had been watching me. Of course later I worried that the person thought I was being "abused" or "forced" but it still turned me on to think of someone watching me be used that way.

It was exciting being outside. Being all dressed slutty but in the woods. Being in heels walking around in the dirt just made me feel more slutty for some reason. Soft sexy see through poets blouse against the rough bark of the tree. Crawling around in the dirt in my thigh highs and short skirt. It was....a rush of emotions....exciting and very much a turn on.

ps: this is a true story - someone asked me if it was true. It happened when I lived in Cleveland.

Feeling Sad...

So last nights post ended up affecting me all day today. I don't talk about her hardly at all even to Master. I mean Master knows what went on with her but I don't ever talk about her since those first initial conversations about her. Not even on anniversaries. I think of her almost daily but I don't talk about her as it just hurts too much even all these years later. I am thankful for the good memories...I just wish I could not feel everything so much sometimes because it brings good and sad memories.

Turning off comments because...well I just was writing to get it out and hopefully not feel it so much tomorrow.

My First....Morgan

There is a thread on FetLife about first sexual experience with a woman - posted in a group for women. I don't belong to the group but have seen many friends replying to it and it got me thinking about my first sexual experience with a woman...

When I was young, I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with or attracted to the opposite sex . I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. But I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women at a very young age. I just never said it out loud. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to have crushes on males. When I entered high school, I then had crushes on girls and boys but never really named what I was feeling for girls as a crush. The first time I acted on feelings with a girl was at a slumber party. It was because of truth or dare - I know she sensed I had a crush on her and dared me to go into the next bedroom with her and do what she told me. (We just kissed nothing more.) I had not told anyone about my desires for women up to that point because by high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My first relationship and sexual experience with a woman were when I was a freshman in college. I met a beautiful girl the first day of orientation by running into her. I was juggling books - looking for the piece of paper that told me where to go next and I literally ran into her...a beautiful girl with long wavy red hair, pale skin with freckles and green eyes. She was one of those people that walks in a room and the whole room stops talking and looks -- she was that beautiful.

I, of course, wanted to sink into the crack of the sidewalk and melt away because I was totally embarrassed. But she was so nice. She made me feel at ease telling me not to worry about it as she remembered what it was like trying navigate the campus for the first time. She introduced herself....Morgan. We stood there and talked for a bit and before we parted she insisted on trading info so that she could check in on me make sure I was finding everything. She was a year older and there on campus that week helping out with freshman orientation.

That night feeling overwhelmed and really wondering if made the right decision about being there when the phone rang.  She called and insisted I meet her for coffee. It became a regular thing....she and I met up between classes, after dinner and so on. I thought it was so nice of her to be spending time with me and making me feel welcome and at ease with the big college experience.

One day we while studying in the student union she asked if I would go to dinner with her that night. She said that we could get all girly and sexy. Her Mom had sent her money to go have a nice dinner instead of campus food. I told Morgan she should be asking a cute boy to dinner but she said she wanted me to go with me...a very cute and sexy girl. Again I just thought she was just being nice to me.

At dinner I asked her why she didn't want to invite a guy....she said she liked spending time with me. I asked if she was interested in someone. She told me she was and I can still see the gleam in her eyes. But I was not getting -it- and went on to ask her who she liked. She looked right into my eyes and said, "you." I know I blushed a million shades red. I know I probably did that thing where I pointed to myself and looked around like she might mean someone else near us. Yes I am a dork.

She told me she liked me from that first day we bumped into each other and that she had been thinking about kissing me. She went on to describe kissing me in detail. Again I was a million shades of red. I started out being flattered, then the mixed feelings set in of "I shouldn't like her...she is a girl." She saw it set in. After dinner we went to her place and talked about some of those feelings I went through during dinner.  She made me feel completely comfortable and I relaxed so much that she made the move to kiss me.  We made out for a long time. It was hot...body tingling, breathless, heart beating fast - hot.

We started to date and it was amazing. I should say I was still involved with my boyfriend from high school (he was a senior in high school when I was a freshman in college) and is the same guy that ends up being my ex-husband. He never knew about her but she knew about him. It was a sore spot and area of long frequent discussions.

But on to the first time we had sex....It was hot also with her pushing me up against a stall of a bathroom in a club. We were kissing and touching as we danced.  It felt electric - such energy flowing between us that it needed to go somewhere - else.  She lead me to the bathroom - into a stall and pushed me against the wall of the stall and pushed my shirt up and then pulling my tits above my bra.  She teased, kissed and squeezed my breasts.  She unzipped my jeans and worked her fingers into me. She told me to beg her to "let me orgasm." The place was a club - grimy but it just made it even that much better. I begged and she brought me close many times but would always stop. Finally she stopped and told me I only got an orgasm at home where I would undress for her. I had been being shy to this point not wanting her to "see" me. So she worked me up so much that  she of course got what she wanted. Because she brought that slut side out - I wanted to do anything she asked and was willing to spread my legs or whatever she wanted me to do because I was so turned on. We went home and I undressed for her....more like striped for her. She told me what to do when I started letting the shy side start to creep up she just seemed to know what to say and do to bring my slut side back quickly. We ended up having....sex...the kind of sex where the sheets somehow end up not on the bed.

Sex with her was always amazing and brought me to tears a few times too because it scared me it felt so right. The whole relationship was like that...that is why I was crying -- it just wasn't the sex. It was just that I would feel these intense feelings and during sex I often exposed that vulnerable side and would react to the feelings then.

Here is what I wrote about her for my whose who page...
She was a great, intense, deep love of my life. She and I were involved when I was 18/19. I met her when I went away to college. We connected on this level that I have never really experienced quite the same since. Her and I clicked together like perfect pieces of a puzzle. Time was lost in her....because we were in our own world. If I would have just let go and not cared about what others thought...it would have been so incredibly easy with her. Because with her things were quiet and still because all my heart, soul and mind were full of her. She was spontaneous and exciting. She acted from her heart more then from her mind....just like me. And even though we had pain, tears and regret....I love her because it was right. I could write a book just on her. She died while I was involved with her -- when I was 19. And I will always love her.

MDOM

Often Master and I will get in a discussion about something I read on a blog or elist. Sometimes there are people I refer to quite a bit as I like their writings/thoughts/beliefs. And often those people were from one of two elists/or both that I joined early in my days of being online. My first elist encounter was with a group called MDOM ran by Carter Stevens. I started with the group late 1998. (Another elist I have mentioned having a lot of influence on my shaping my beliefs was J. Mikael Togneri's Absolute BDSM elist -- and again many of the people I knew on MDOM where on Absolute too.)

MDOM had massive amounts of mail a day. I want to say 500 to 1000 pieces a day. There were good discussions. There were debates from every angle of a subject. Of course there was the my kink is better then yours but as I have said many many times we just won't get away from that - vanilla groups even get the my way is the one true way folks.

Every elist I have been on for the last oh 5 or more years hasn't felt the same as as they did back then (1998 - 2000.) It is sad that those days of elist are gone. They are a thing of the past and things like blogs and social networking have taken their place.

The other day I signed into FetLife and saw one of the people I "met" through MDOM years ago joined a group called MDOM Alumni. Just a few of us there now. But it brought back some good memories.

The Feeling of Golden Showers

I was reading the watersports group on FetLife and it made me think about my very first golden shower.

It was amazing. It was before Master and with previous owner. We really didn't play with limits in place but when I filled out the bdsm checklist I put watersports as something I wasn't really interested in but would do it. And drinking urine I really didn't want to do at all but would because I am a slave. The thought of it though grossed me out and at that time I felt if I never experienced it I wouldn't be missing out on anything (boy was I wrong on that.) But my previous owner liked Golden Showers so I knew eventually it would be an area I experience.

I remember that day so clearly even now. He told me to kneel in the bathtub. I remember being so nervous my legs felt like they were going to give out on me as I climbed into the tub and knelt. My hands were shaking and my teeth were chattering even though I wasn't cold. I was just nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect but I thought it would be gross and degrading. His stream started and I felt the warmth of the urine hit me. I felt these feelings come up. It was like a gush of emotion coming to the surface. And then surprising myself and him - I just instinctively opened my mouth. I felt submissive - deeply submissive in the moment. I was flying. I felt the warmth hit my body....my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have his taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. He looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It sent me spinning and flying further. I knelt there shaking now for totally different reasons after it was done. I looked down at my body seeing the urine still dripping down my body. Felt my long hair sticking to my head and body. I couldn't stand. I couldn't move. I just sat there. He started the shower for me and it took me a while before I could stand up and wash.

Since that first golden shower - I have had varying feelings but mostly a calm comes over me as soon as the urine hits my body. But I really believe it is the context of the golden shower that the feelings follow. Another play partner I was involved with right before I meeting Master, made me feel degraded and dirty when he gave me golden showers. To that point in my experiences with golden showers though they never felt that way. He just did it in ways that made me feel like a dirty whore. And that degradation turned me on just as much as that first one turned me on.

The golden showers I have had from Master have been all over - from humiliating to bring me to the calm - and even humorous where we both are laughing and playing. We have pictures of one golden shower he was giving me and it is very obvious I am laughing in them.

Before my first golden shower though I thought watersports would make me feel dirty and degraded but that first one and many since haven't felt that way at all. I felt submission, love, pride. I always feel nervous before they start but most of the time a calm washes over me. I still have problems not having noodle legs after a golden shower - no matter the context of it. They make me weak in the knees and almost always a little spacey.


(previous entry on golden showers -- from Master's view as well as mine. And had some links on the bottom of the entry about golden showers)

Sex Meme

I am answering these based on what I consider my firsts. And again this meme is taken from padme amidala.

The first time I heard about sex, I thought it was...exciting. I was very young. And the thought just took my breath-away.

My first experience with self stimulation was...again very young. I don't remember the first time but I do remember at my grandparents house rubbing myself against the the foot board of the bed. It had craving to make it have bumps on it so straddling it and rubbing against it felt good. I also knotted this rope and rubbed against the knot.

The furthest I have ever gone in a parked car was...all the way. All sorts of sex and sm in a parked car.

The first method of contraception I ever used was... condoms.

When a man tells me a dirty joke, it usually makes me...blush. But really depends on the joke.

The first time I had an orgasm, I thought I was...naughty but it felt so good.

The grossest person I have ever shared a bed with was...a client. Consensually grossest was a client when I was an escort that just didn't smell very good and liked to suck my feet -- I hate my feet being touched.

The rottenest thing I ever did to escape having sex was...told the truth that I didn't want to have sex with the person. I could see that it hurt his feelings. But I am not a very good liar.

The excuse I most often hear for not making love is... that I really don't hear excuses from Master - anymore (now that he works at home). When he was doing his other job he was too tired at times. In my marriage -- my ex-husband would tell I was a nympho and he didn't think we should be having so much sex because it was wrong. (shaking head and rolling eyes)

My favorite method of flirting is......hmm haven't flirted in a long time. It is a look...with eyes and smile.

The most I have ever "come on" with a girlfriend's man was... - I haven't. Maybe flirted but nothing more and nothing more then my girlfriend has been comfortable with...at least I hope. I can't think of ever coming on to a friend's man. At least not friends that were monogamous.

I believe I am dressed the sexiest when I am wearing... just an man's dress shirt maybe paired with heels. (the key phrases in this were "I believe" -- I feel the sexist dressed this way. But I know Master's clothing fetishes really don't align with that although this morning I got out of the shower and put on a man's dress shirt and he said that I looked very sexy in it.

If I ever surprised my man in the act of self-stimulation, I would probably... ask him what he wants me to do stay and join in or go.

If I were to describe male sexual equipment in one word, it would have to be...delicious!

The thought of making love to two men at the same time really makes me... umm a bit turned on. :)

If I were to estimate how often I fantasize about making love to a strange man, it would be...not often. I fantasize about Master and then very rarely a past lover but really if it is not Master it is most likely one of my clients from when I was an escort.

If my friends all decided to skinny dip, I would probably...join in - it just depended on the friends.

If my mate and I were sharing a hotel room with another couple who started to make love, I would probably... do what Master wanted. Playing with another couple though could be very fun!

If on a first date the subject of birth control came up, I would...talk about it to decide what we would do if in that situation. And if not brought up I would probably bring it up. I am all about safe sex!

While making love to my mate, I sometimes fantasize about... nothing because I am usually just enjoying the moment - the feelings and sensations.

If a stripper gave me the opportunity to remove his/her last piece of clothing I would...take my time and enjoy the moment.

If I were to wear a costume to make love, I would dress as...a naughty schoolgirl

If my lover agreed to wear a costume of my choice before making love, I would choose...a police uniform or military uniform not even dress just everyday.

The wildest sexual aid I have ever used was... nothing that wild...at least to me. I think most of my sex aids have been pretty "normal" things that people try out - cucumbers, candles, handle of paddle or brush, shampoo bottle. I have used ben gay, breath drops, toothpaste and mouth wash too.

The most pleasure I have ever had with a foreign object was...shampoo bottle - just the circumstances surrounding it made it very exciting and pleasurable.

The last sexual request I refused was..., I believe a blow job because I couldn't breath due to allergies (and didn't really refuse just gave Master the facts and he changed things up then).

The last sexual request someone refused me was...probably before Master or when we were first together and he denied orgasms.

The thought of making love during pregnancy makes me... glad I am not pregnant.

The thought of making love during "that time of the month" leaves me... with mixed feelings. I am incredibly turned on but at times the thought of sex when I am bleeding heavy just doesn't sound like fun.

My favorite fantasy involving a hot tub is... that I really don't have fantasies involving hot tubs. Just regular bathtubs well...of course I do.

My favorite fantasy involving a romantic location is...being up in the mountains in a cabin/condo with a fire going in the fireplace. Sipping wine and just having a nice romantic evening with Master.

My favorite fantasy involving a famous man is... or has been about Joseph Gorden Levitt because of that GQ layout. And any of the poses he did with Claudia I would be happy to do.

My favorite fantasy involving a man I know (who isn't my mate) is...replaying some experiences with clients when I was an escort.

My favorite fantasy involving a woman I know is...replaying experiences with a past lover or two.

The last time a man tried to pick me up was...hmmm I don't know....does online count? I had a weird mix up with my business cards and the man was obviously trying to pick me up.

My favorite fantasy involving sex in a public place is...again replying experiences I have had in public places.

The most public place I ever made love was...in the car at a drive in movie theater. I mean the most people around. But I have had sex bent over the hood of the car a few times too but that has been at times when it would highly unlikely to run into people.

When I finally lost my virginity, I was....16 (consensually lost my virginity). I was tied up and spanked too!

I think the maximum number of men I am physically capable of making love to in a single day is... quite a few. When I was younger it was even more. But I think probably 4. When I was an escort, I had sex with 3 clients in one day (I actually didn't like more then 1 but did do 2 at times). And then came home and had sex with a lover too. I have also had sexual intercourse with one man about 10 times in a 24 hour period. When I was young, I participated in what is called a train....one guy after another. And there were probably about 8 to 10 guys. But that wasn't completely a great experience (longer story then I have brain power for right now.)

I really like having a tongue stuck in my...in my mouth.

I really hate having a tongue stuck in (between) my...toes but I also am not a fan of tongue in my ear.

March Q & A: Views that have changed

What topic(s) have you posted about a long while ago that you now have a different perspective/opinion on?

Nothing is coming to mind. I even did a little walk down memory lane looking through some old blog entries from 2000 and 2001. I think that over all I haven't changed my general views of D/s very much since around 2000. Of course that doesn't mean I haven't changed. I have changed. I have discovered things or come to some current views while hashing things out since starting my blog. I have found new realizations about myself and this path I am on. Such as the reality of being a slave. And see now that I spent too much time worrying if I was submissive. But over all my views haven't changed much - I don't think. Okay I am sure there is something I have changed on but at the moment nothing is coming to mind. As I said I think most of the views that have changed have been personal views of myself. Not over all views of D/s and the like - since starting my blog.

I do read some of my essays from early days and I don't like everything I said but it isn't that I necessarily disagree I just think it comes off worded in ways that don't capture my true meaning. When I did the last redesign of the website, I left off all my erotica because that when I read it - I see old views in that just make me cringe. But again most of those were written before I started my blog.

So before my blog quite a few of my views changed, in 1995 or 1996 (can't remember for sure) I was on AOL bulletin boards looking for some info on anal sex. I was trying to convince my husband we should try it again. We had and it didn't go very well. So I wanted to find info on maybe making it go a little bit easier. And I stumbled on to a D/s BB and was reading things that said wow this me. My first introductions to this thing I had been doing but hadn't put names to was on AOL (which I cringe when I think about it now.)

Because back then I believed that submission was a gift, back then I never thought I could submit to a woman, back then I got all caught up in the kinky things and thought D/s was about following rules, kneeling pretty next to your Dominants feet and kinky fun (and that was about it), I believed slaves were doormats, I believed in SSC and had real lines that I thought no one should cross, I believed in the hearts and flowers D/s that some website seemed to give off and I just got caught up in group thinks. I was silly...just very very very silly.

I then joined an elist ran by Carter Steven's (the name of the group is escaping me at this time) and I was still on that edge of the submission is a gift and hearts and flowers D/s stuff. And it was there I started to see all these other views - there was such a huge variety of thoughts. And it made me really think about what *I* actually believed. Challenged me to really discover for myself what being submissive meant, what surrender and D/s meant to me. I had been so enthralled with notion of D/s that I got caught up in the first things/groups I read instead of really looking at it to see what I felt and believed. After that group kind of disbanded - I found Internal Enslavement and also a group on onelist (now yahoogroups) that was ran by J. Mikael Togneri and then I felt like I found places that really spoke to me. Again both challenged me to discover what I believed but they put some things in terms I hadn't been able to verbalize. Through those groups -- I met some AMAZING people. Some that are very close trusted friends now. But it also when my views really started to changed and formulate into place.

So over all through the years yes of course my views have changed. My personal realizations of myself have though changed a lot too.


Please remember you can still ask questions here! Or over on my LJ.

2007 Review

Going through each month of my blog subject/titles to get quick highlights of the year....

January
a death
a wedding
trip to Utah
contact from an old friend
sold a piece of art that really meant a lot to me

February
4 year anniversary with Master
Sent out several Valentine's cookie packages
My sister's came so Master could tape us for a video
zipping through books

March
March was Q&A month for blogging
A friend lost her infant son
Started a round robin with altered book -- but that has kind of stalled now - and really hope eventually I will get my book back as I really liked what I did with it.

April
BDSM Easter Eggs
Wrote about hood and included pictures of myself -- which always wigs me out some
Had a really heavy and great month of SM
Wonderful day trip
Remembering our friend that died in 2006 in April

May
My dog died
Read a really good book by Marge Piercy
Art & Jazz Festival
Bought some really great art
Trip to Denver

June
Painted the deck...which was oh so fun!
My sister sent me old letters my Mom wrote when she was pregnant with me and when had just been born....they were great stories and really such a treasure to have
Leaving for our trip

July
visited the town I grew up in
family celebration that I will remember always
The Mermaid Chair
Goodbye to one of my favorite vibrators
Really starting to feel connected to my tarot deck

August
Celebrating Master's 1 year of owning his own business
Really starting to think about turning 40
Made amazing scones with whole wheat and
Redesigned our website
Contacted by an old friend
Master had to go out of town
I taught a class

September
Out of town with Master
Finished West Wing
Getting ready for a big trip
Heavy art month for me

October
Out of town for a couple weeks
Hair really cut off!
Lots of fun decorating for Halloween
Out of town for my birthday
Master spoiling me like a Princess
Seeing my parents for my birthday
7 years of blogging

November
Wrote an article to be published in March
Project Runway starts! yay! my guilty pleasure
Thanksgiving! Yummy!

December
Master's BIRTHDAY! yay!
Holidailies
Decorating for Christmas!
Post about the magic of Christmas when I was growing up
Baking Baking Baking
Christmas!!
A good friend has her baby! yay! So happy!

Now there were countless times not making the list that were just so special and important to me. There were times of quick afternoon fun with Master. Times snuggled up in bed laughing and talking. Times that just are truly are the moments that make my life special everyday.

Deck the Halls....

Prompt from Holidailies: Tell us about your strangest or most unique holiday decoration.

I think the most unique holiday decorations in our house is the bears all around the bottom of the tree. I started out with the little red flyer wagon from Hallmark and the Teddy Bear Trevor. They were given to me by my ex-husband. And then after that I added a few and he gave me 2 more and a little sled before we parted ways. Another decoration that is unique...I think....is putting the paper garland in the glass cupboards so they show through.

I love to decorate for all holidays but especially for Christmas. When I was married, we had a really cute old house that was fun to decorate inside and out. We never went all out with lots of lights or yard decorations but we did outlined our porch and the pillars on it had lights going around them plus big red bows. I had "fake" potted mini ever green that sat right as you came up on the porch decorated in lights and little silver and red ball ornaments. And then I made a wreath for the door....it was one of those wood vine wreaths that wrapped with plaid ribbons. And then some handmade felt ornaments in different shapes were attached to it. I think the felt ornaments were a mitten, christmas tree, candy cane, a heart with some holly leaves and berries on it...and I think there were 2 more but I can't think of them at the moment. But that was the only outdoor decorations really. It was simple but my ex and I liked it. Master and I discussed our next house -- if we will decorate or not. And we want simple too....white lights and wreath...not much more.

It is my hope when we move that we can have more the one tree too. When I was growing up we had several trees. Two to four depending on how much time my Mom had....one in our entry that was tall skinny and was done in whites lights, ribbon and all angels. And then the one in the family room was done in all the ornaments we made as a kid, paper chain garland mixed with popcorn and berry hand strung garland and LOTS of multi-colored blinking lights. The living room had one that kind of changed over the years....always had lots of different ornaments on it...hallmark to handmade. But light colors changed over the years....one year white...another blue....one kind of a goldish color. And then my Mom did bows on the tree. Then the forth was at the top of the stairs on the landing you could see it from our living room. It was a little mini tree that just had lights and bows on it. So it is my hope to be able to have more then one tree when we get a bigger house.

We are going to celebrate our Christmas Saturday. So right now there are presents under tree and lights sparkling. And I hope to be able to enjoy ALL the Christmas decorations just a little while longer.

Ivan

This is a prompt from Holidailies: Your best experience getting rid of something.

When I moved from Ohio to Colorado, I had a Teddy Bear that meant a lot to me...for many reasons. One being it was the last bear my ex-husband gave me. And there is more meaning behind that but too hard to explain. The bear is deep chocolate brown with a blue knitted sweater. I named him Ivan. I thought I had a picture of him but I am not finding it at the moment.

I always sleep with a teddy bear and he is one I slept with for years. But when I moved from Ohio to be with Master, I felt he was one thing I should let go of...I had good reasons at that time but still I miss him at times. But am very thrilled that he is in a good home with someone that loves him. She is someone very special to me and I love her and miss her too. So leaving Ivan with her...she has a little piece of me that she can hug and know that I am hugging her back.

Let it Snow...

Todays writing prompt at Holidailies is: Tell us a story about snow. Well...I was born in North Dakota. When I tell people that, most say, "Oh I have been there. I went to Mount Rushmore...the Black Hills...the Badlands" and so on...never actually naming a place in North Dakota. I believe a lot of people lump North and South into one place or forget that there is even a North Dakota. But I was born in North Dakota and lived there until I was 10 years old. And I still have family that lives there.

When I tell them that the places they listed are South Dakota they usually then get the light bulb moment of 4th grade geography lessons coming back and give me a look as if they had just been smacked with a cold wind and ask me if I liked living there. And my answer to them is a resounding happy YES! As a child it was so much fun and that main reason: SNOW. There was so much to do because of the snow in winter - ice skating, snowmobile riding, cross country skiing, sledding, hockey, making snow forts, snow angels, snowballs! And drinking lots of hot chocolate to warm up after playing in the snow!

My parents were involved in lots of organizations in our small small town. And so they had lots of parties and functions to go and many involved the kids coming too. They would hold parties at the local ice skating rink in the winter. It would close down for the evening to be available only to those in organization. We would skate, have good food and hot cocoa mixed with lots of fun and friendship. A family friend of ours had a big cabin on the lake. They had an annual holiday party there. Some of the men would go out ice fishing on the frozen over lake. Their cabin had a big hill next to it that would was perfect for sledding which occupied all the children. There would be a dozen snowmobiles there, cross country skis, snowshoes and everything else would ever need for winter time fun. There was roaring fire in the cabin so you could warm up and dry off before going to the next activity. There was so much laughter and fun. I always looked forward to those parties. More winter fun was had in my neighborhood though too as our block had a lot of kids on it. We were always building snow forts and having snowball fights. I don't have memories with snow that doesn't bring me warm happy feelings.

The holidays in North Dakota always involved snow. I don't recall ever going without a White Christmas when I lived there. My Mom loves Christmas - she decorates, bakes, shares stories and it is just a very special time of love and family. And I know she got that from her Mom. When I was little, we would spend Christmas Eve at my Mom's parents. They lived on a modest but wonderful farm. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. My Grandparents farmhouse didn't have fireplace and I remember at a very young age worried that Santa wouldn't have a way into the house. Christmas Eve at my Grandparents involved a big homemade dinner with food from taken from our heritage, church after dinner - all dressed up in our Christmas best, then home to read the Christmas Bible story of Jesus' birth, sing some Christmas Carols, open presents and then have snacks and goodies.

My Grandparents attended a small country church that looked like something from a Christmas greeting card with the snow all around it, lights shining through the stain glass windows. Inside the church, it was also picture perfect poinsettias spread through out the church, as well as candles, and then Christmas trees decorated in angel ornaments and white lace garland. The service we would light candles and sing lots of Christmas carols. After the children were given a big bag of sugary hard candies...the old fashioned ribbon candy in bright Christmas colors. Making us all even more hyper then just being excited waiting for Santa's arrival.

My Mom's family is good size that we would take more then one car to church. And so Grandpa would often sneak out early, but as child I NEVER picked up on that. See as a little girl, I would come home to reindeer hoof prints and Santa boot prints in the yard. And more Santa snow boot prints in the house. Cookies that had been set out for Santa would be gone and carrots left for Dasher and Dancer and the rest of the reindeer were half eaten in the yard. And sure enough when I went running into the house there would be presents from Santa under the tree.

It is a wonderful Christmas memory....a favorite memory of mine. And I say mine as my sisters didn't really get to experience it like I did because my Grandfather died at a young age. So I cherish those memories as I am lucky to have known him and lucky to have such a good memory of my Santa.

It's memories like these that set the tone for all of my Christmases. Even though one might forget about those "little things" like Santa's boot prints or the half-eaten carrots in the yard - I'll never forget them. It's these important things, the fact that my Grandfather left church a little early to give his granddaughter something something special and magical.

Magic.

That's what the season is about. Taking those precious moments to express your love and friendship to someone you care about. Whether it's finding that very special gift, or making a handmade card, the phone call in the middle of the day or the email that just says simply "I love you." It's my way to share how much I love those that I'm surrounded by.

So Christmas time is that special time of year when you just remind them of how wonderful they really are and how they have a special place in my heart that makes me feel the magic of love.

(Photo of me - I think I was about 4.)

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was lovely. I had cinnamon rolls raising before I went to bed on Wednesday so we had a few of those for breakfast on Thursday while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Master talked to several of his family members while I got things ready for the turkey dinner. We don't eat until 4pm so I just prepped.

While we waited for getting things in the oven, we watched a movie. We watched The Prestige. We ate about 4:30pm as pop up timer on the turkey didn't pop up until then even though I thought just by poundage it should have been done sooner. Master and I had a good wine and stuffed ourselves! After we cleaned up the kitchen, I called my parents. My sister just closed on a house so I knew they were spending Thanksgiving working on the house. It has hardwood floors almost all through the house that needed to be sanded and re-varnished plus several other projects that need to be done before she moves in. We chatted a bit and then Master and I rolled ourselves to the couch to watch The Polar Express. It was so nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching it...I get such a gleeful feeling when I watch it. Not feeling so stuffed but still needing to work some of it off so we could have pumpkin pie meant fun in the bedroom and I got beat! yay! Eventually we had pumpkin pie and watched Project Runway (I will probably do another post on that). We ended up getting to bed about 1:30am with the alarm set for 4:30am because we decided to be insane hit Best Buy and Circuit City on Black Friday.

It was a good Thanksgiving....We had a really nice day! Master and I had good quality time together yesterday. It was very nice and I am very thankful to be with Master.

I really get annoyed with myself though because I still got sad and down yesterday despite having a really nice day with Master. I was missing time with family. I even thought of Thanksgivings spent with Jim because really we would spend many Thanksgivings at his Aunt's home. But I also thought when I hosted it a few times....although like I said in my last post cooking Thanksgiving meal isn't my favorite for a crowd. I am always worried the turkey won't come out good. Why I worry about that...I am not sure as I have always had my turkey's turn out really good.

I remember the first Thanksgiving I hosted was when my parents, sisters and one of my Grandma's came...when I was married. I think actually it was our first Thanksgiving after moving into our house. I had at that point in my life never made a turkey so thankfully my Mom was right there to help walk me through it! Such as I was forgetting to pull the sack of giblets so she caught that! And she made the mashed potatoes because it took me years to master those...I always have had lumps. I finally can make mashed potatoes without lumps (well most of the time). But everything else I made turned out really good. I just remember being so intimidated because my Mom and my Grandma are amazing cooks. So here I am doing turkey dinner for the first time and they are my guests. Oh my the panic! I remember freaking out on Jim before they got there in the morning - they had stayed in a hotel as our house had lots stairs and my Grandma couldn't take those. So it was just my sisters that stayed with us. But I freaked out with Jim. He of course kept trying to tell me all would work out and it did.

I had made turkey a few times by the next Thanksgiving I hosted so I wasn't as freaked out. And that Thanksgiving was with friends. We had 3 couples. One couple had just moved to the area and the wife of the couple was really missing her family. It was going to be her first Thanksgiving without family. So I thought being around a bunch of friends might help her. And it did for the most part - you know there is always that part of that thinks about it though. I made the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing and a few appetizers but then everyone else brought things. I still remember the house decorated just perfectly with lots of fall leaves/trim and candles. I made a table runner. It had really pretty fall leaves on it so added solid fall colored napkins that I tied with jute for napkin rings. I made place card holders out of little sacks that I filled with candies for them to take home. They were decorated with leaves that I painted on watercolor paper and cut out and attached with raffia. One with leaf with their name on it. We had lots of food, wine, games and laughter. It was really nice because it wasn't an obligation to come...like it is sometimes with family. Although we all love our families sometimes we have to go because we have to go. And that wasn't the case with the friends. So it was different then usual but very nice.

I hosted Thanksgiving one year for Jim's parents too. I can't remember why his Aunt wasn't doing it or why we weren't going there but Jim's parents came over and it was a nice day. I always felt intimated by her too. Because while we are friends now and friends while I dated Jim when I became Jim's wife I never seemed good enough in their eyes. So I always felt like I had to go over and above things to prove myself.

I know I hosted Thanksgiving a few more times...once when my sisters couldn't get to Minnesota they came to our house. But those 3 above are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. And I recalled yesterday during my sadness. As I said it annoys me because I have so much to be thankful for plus I had such a nice day with Master that I shouldn't have been sad at all. I just feel this year is going to be year of recalling old memories for me because of my mindset about being 40.

Well that is enough reminiscing for today. I need to work today a little bit.