When I was married, I bought a pair of shoes that were out of my norm. They were sexy black high heels. I had been drawn to them in the store and said to myself just try them on does not mean you need to buy them. But of course that didn't happen. I put them on and saw how my legs looked in them...how sexy they made me look and they ended coming home with me.
I showed them to my husband that night. Putting them on and modeling them. He nodded and smiled - but really didn't offer any comment on them. He didn't seem overly enthusiastic and it bothered me. Later that week, I decided maybe I should bring them back because he didn't seem to like them on me. So I put them on a table in our living room so that I would remember to take them back.
My ex-husband asked why they were there and I said "I am taking them back because you didn't seem to like me in them." He looked at the shoes for a moment and then me and said, "I just am not sure why you bought them. They made you look like a slut." He walked away to go to do something after he said that. I held in the tears. My husband had just called me a slut and it cut me. It wasn't something I wanted to hear or liked to hear. It is so odd how I can see the shoes on the table in my mind so clearly even today 15 years later.
The shoes went back within hours of him calling me a slut because I was so upset. I later told him that I thought they made me look sexy. He went on to explain that it looked like I was wanting to go out and fuck a football team with them because they were fuck me heels so I just looked like a slut ready to give it up to anyone. I cried. He soothed me and told me I wasn't a slut and he didn't want his wife to look like a slut. So no sexy high heels for me.
The word slut stung though. I didn't like then. I felt ashamed. I felt dirty and just bad to be called a slut.
But that changed...
My first relationship after my marriage was a D/s one. He called me a slut and at first I wanted to hide from it. He saw the reaction and he then told me how he loved that I was so responsive to his touch and words, he loved the I was sexual and wanton and that is what made me a slut in eyes...my sexual nature. He used it more and more and each time I grew wetter. It started to turn me on to be called a slut. I even felt pride being a slut for him. I learned to embrace the word slut from then on. But I did get tripped up with it every so often still.
When I moved to Ohio, I often came back to where my ex-husband lived. I had family and friends in the area. My ex-husband and I were friend at that time - we aren't anymore. I would stay with him when I came back. One time shortly after I had moved to Ohio, I came back to get some of my stuff and stayed with him. While there I was seeing friends and family too. So one night I was going to go out with a friend for dinner and I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt, a blouse showing off cleavage, thigh highs and high heels. My ex-husband told me I looked like a slut. It started those old tapes of him saying that before - I ran to the bedroom crying. I called and cancelled on my friend as I was so upset.
I tried to remind myself that many men liked it that I looked sexy and that I was a sexual creature. But my ex-husband obviously didn't. It was his issue. But it had ruined the moment and I couldn't get myself past it for while. But eventually with Kam, I got myself past the word slut again. He reminded me why I liked it and why I should embrace it.
So on another visit to my ex-husbands, I was going out to a BDSM play party in the area with friends, so I came out of the bedroom dressed in a short skirt leather skirt with a slit on the thigh, a blouse that laced up the front displaying my cleavage, thigh highs, and sexy high heels. My ex-husband looked at me and said "you look like a slut." I looked at him and with a huge smile on my face said, "damn right and damn proud to be one." He looked at me like I had grown another head. I explained I didn't find that word to be a bad word anymore. That I was sexy and sexual and enjoyed my sexual nature and it wasn't a bad thing - it was a good thing. It made me feel good. He just shook his head. He didn't get it. I went to my party and had fun. I didn't let his issues with the word ruin it for me.
In all my following relationships, I have been called a slut and it makes me blush at times but in ways that are good that remind me who I am and what I enjoy. It is a term of endearment to me now.
With the right person we can be all we can and are loved for it.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. It is one of those words that I had to accept with Master D...He uses it when he is proud of me, when I am what he wants me to be and in truth, what I really am inside that I kind of "hide" in my every day life. It's my freedom and I love it. Glad you were able to get past it and past your ex's narrow thinking. He has no idea what he is missing not having a "slut" in his life!
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