Tuesday, June 12, 2012

30 Days of Kink - Day 3

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I am not sure how I discovered I was kinky. The reason being at first I didn't have words for what it was I was doing. I thought it was what other people did too. 

Well...though...if we started way back -  when I was a little girl I loved having boys tie me up. Playing that I was kidnapped by them.   Growing up reading - I always loved the bodice rippers that the damsel in distress was kidnapped and forced by the rugged rouge and ends up falling madly in love with him after he has taken her.  

The first time I had consensual sex at 16 with my boyfriend, I was tied up and spanked.  When I was 18, I was owned but didn't really have the word Master/slave or BDSM.  He told me I was his to do with what he wanted. He told me I would do whatever he asked of me.  And I did.  We engaged in heavy SM and really it was a M/s or Owner/property type dynamic but without the labels.  

I then married my high school sweetheart and although we had some of a partnership from the outside.  It was more of me deferring to him.  We engaged in kink in the bedroom.  And outside of the bedroom I was his wife who served him and obeyed him. He told me to do something I did it.   

I discovered there were words for what we engaged in when I was married.  I wanted to have anal sex and we tried a few times but it was just too painful.  I wasn't ready to give up so  when we got hooked up to the world wide web  - I decided one afternoon to search for anal sex tips so that it would make it easier for us.  My ex-husband was on the verge of saying lets not try again -because he felt he hurt me too much so I really wanted to find something that would help us get past the initial pain and enjoy it.  I did find something - not sure what it was exactly but it worked.  After that, we loved having anal sex  though.  And it was also while searching for anal sex tips that I found a bulletin board for submissives.   There had been a thread on how to please your Master by taking it in the ass. But I read many other threads on the board and was nodding along with many of them - going wow this is how I feel.  I was surprised to see a lifestyle attached to words I had lived in my relationships.   

So I printed off stuff and gave it to my husband to read.  He was freaked out at first and then he calmed down a bit and we started to have a relationship that was leaning even further into the dynamic we had established naturally as husband and wife.  Eventually though...my husband felt it was "wrong" and that being kinky was too freaky.  That I was a freak for wanting this.  It really hurt our relationship discovering the "labels" to our relationship.  

We had other issues too but eventually we divorced and I sought out M/s dynamic.  I knew I didn't want to live without it in my life.  

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