Not Sure...

I meant to update today - several things on my mind. But I can't write more then I am going to at the moment. I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately...cycling through my insomnia. Anyway I am so tired that I am near tears often and just can't focus very well. And because I can't focus I am not doing a Gratitude Tuesday post this week. It will have to wait until next week.

So that will probably be it for tonight.

Reminders:
journal entries
~ being of 2 minds on one issue
~ hitachi (have had several people request a review on it)
~ 2 book reviews (possibly 3)

Plus a few others that I am not going to put a name to yet. And I always have emails to reply to that are long over due.

Check to see if I have everything to do some baking.

Iron (ewwww)

Going to bed...really early for me.....crossing fingers for sleep to hit fast.

Brain Drought....due to exhaustion

I haven't been sleeping well. First I just can't sleep because my mind won't slow down. And next I am so cold I can't get to sleep. Even with thermals, 3 blankets and it isn't even really winter yet. I am falling asleep between 3 and 4am. And so today I am really exhausted. Brain not functioning really well.

The last 2 days I was going through some old files on my computer and found a few things I started as essays for our website. I hope to finish those up soon to post there as I haven't added anything new in a long time.

I want to ask Master if I can start posting his journal entries he has been doing lately to the website. He is doing a series basically on some of his fetishes and he is calling them INSIDE. Inside - his thoughts on gags, collars, humiliation and more to come he says.

Not much else going on with me....

We have been busy. We have had lots of running around this week and it just seems like I am not accomplishing anything at home. Then being so tired...by the time we do get home I just want to veg because I can't think of what next to do because my brain isn't functioning.

Just looked at my Netflix queue because I knew I should have something coming....and I do...it should arrive tomorrow...Colonial House! I can't wait to watch it.

Feels like a blah blah blah post...but this is just what is going on with me right now.

Insomnia....

Uggghh I have had about a weeks worth of insomnia and I will be happy when I get back to normal sleeping pattern. Each night I am going to bed between 2:30am and 3:30am. I am still getting up at normal times from 8am to 9am. I have been super active this week too and so I really should be just falling asleep easily. But I will feel tired, yawn, go to bed and then lay there staring at the ceiling. So annoying!

The other night...morning technically....I was up until 3am and up at 8:30am. I was really busy spring cleaning. I did lots of moving, lifting and such....stuff that should have exhausted me but I was up until 2:30am. Master let me sleep in before waking me at 10am to use me. Putting me in a Imp of Satan hood before he used me. Yes random thing that has nothing to do with insomnia...but you know I have insomnia so I expect my posts to be a little weird at 3am!

Right now I was looking at old lunchboxes on Ebay and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- so that is what I do at 3am when I can't sleep what do you do?

Tomorrow we are having Overnight Creme Brulee French Toast for brunch and then we will hit the Art and Jazz Fest. I also hope to do some art tomorrow....as I would really like to finish a couple things tomorrow. And then maybe I can get them mailed out before we leave to go out of town on Tuesday.

Okay I suppose I will try to get some sleep....and lets hope I really do get to sleep!

Quickie

Master has been horribly busy lately and so the days are long here. Thursday evening we had dinner at 9:15pm. And then I drew a hot bath for Master to help Him relax. But He still got to bed very late. And of course I can't sleep. I think after this blog I am going to go work on some art projects.

We leave to go out of town tomorrow for the weekend so I won't be updating until early next week.

Life Update

I tried to post this last night and of course the cable went out just then and so that meant no internet. I hate when that happens. Lately it has been happening quite a bit too.

Anyway....

Things here are fine...

We had a nice weekend! And then it did not end there Master and I had a nice day on Tuesday also...our actual anniversary. Master spoiled His girl with art supplies! I am a very lucky girl! He also woke me up singing along to the cd He made me...He was singing with the Little River Band...Happy Anniversary Baby. All day long when He would call me He would sing it. It was nice and cute!

I am really just starting not to have insomnia as bad (but it still is here). I have a lot of little things going on so I have been busy with other things and not online much. I owe several people some emails and will get to you soon.

I have a couple posts almost ready to go that are still answering some questions. I hope to be posting a few pictures of some art I am working on...I have the collage bug so have been trying my hand at that again.

Things for myself to note....and do...

- Look how to clean rubber stamps
- Looking for some metal containers for cds (like the ones that come when aol sends you a free on - of course I never thought of what to do with them I threw them away and now that I want one I can't find them)
- work on website stuff - for one that I am being hired for and ours...I am in the middle of a redesign of course won't be uploaded until all complete.
- make bread
- catch up on emails soon

I had quite a few people recommend a series by Jaqueline Carey....and Master bought me the first book Kushiel's Dart. I have not started it yet as I am finishing up Laurell K. Hamilton's Incubus Dreams. I started it around my birthday but then got busy and did not pick it up again until just recently. I am trying to savor it and not read it so fast because what usually happens when I read her books is that I miss them when I am done...and wish I had not read it so fast. So this time I am purposely not reading it fast....allowing myself only so many pages per sitting. I know I am weird.

Just pulled 3 Osho Zen Tarot cards...Celebration, Intensity and then Schizophrenia (which is not as bad as it sounds)...

Just a little about each card...

Celebration: I love image on this card. It reminds me of the 3 Graces....but these ones are clothed and dancing in the rain, "When you chose this card, it indicates that you are becoming more and more available and open to many opportunities that are to celebrate life and to spread this to others."

Intensity: "When you act with the intensity....it is likely to create ripples in the waters around you. Some will feel uplifted and refreshed, others may feel threatened or annoyed. But the opinions of others matter little; nothing can hold you back right now."

Schizophrenia: "This card brings a new twist to the old idea of 'getting stuck between a rock and a hard place.' .....stuck in the indecisive and dualistic aspects of the mind. ....The Only way to of this dilemma is, unfortunately to let go of both at once. You can't work your way out of this one by solving it, making lists of pros and cons or any way working it out in your mind. Better to follow your heart."

The first 2 cards made sense to me but the third card did not, but that might be something that is coming and that is why it does not make sense now.

I just asked Master if He wanted 3 cards...so He shuffled and cut the deck how I like to do it....and He pulled: Schizophrenia, Creativity, The Fool.

Being Normal

I am going to try to make this a quickie as I am really really tired. I have not been sleeping well at all. I just watch the clock all night or wake up frequently….with and without nightmares.

I start to write and everything that comes out…seems private right now.

I have needs that are not being met to me. My wants that definitely aren’t but have not for a while. I have things going on with Nick that…I am dealing with but lack of contact also does not make it “feel” better. I just wish I were with Monseigneur E and Linda right now. I am starting to have anxiety about visiting them. I have things that I am trying to figure out about October but waiting on a date of when I will be visiting to do so. Money issues always around. I am thinking about something I used to do and how I want to do that again. And what that would mean to the people in my life.

I just have like these issues pop up and they hang around in the background but aren’t totally bothering me but also I am not completely relaxed because of them. I mean it is not really stress like I had in August.

Random notes….(Buffy spoilers ahead)

Watched TV 2 nights in a row! Wooo hoooo! LOL Really I don’t watch TV. There is not really a lot I want to watch. And the news I get online. But last night I watched the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. SPOILER

I liked Buffy….I like the look of it this year so far. Xander pulling up in a nice car and wearing a suit to me seemed like he finally grew up and that is a good thing. Willow off with Giles in England to “recover” - I liked. Willow is who I drool over on the show. And then Spike too, but I don’t understand why I drool over Spike, as he really is not my type. James Marsters did a really good job in this first episode of the season. I liked the principle. I liked that they were more hmm diverse with an African American principle. And then Dawn’s new friend is Hispanic. It is about time with the show. The ending really stumped me on where they are going to go with this season. But I do know it looked interesting!

Okay other TV show I watched was most of the 2 hours season premiere of West Wing. And I just like that show. I like most of the politics on it too…. Nick is cringing as I say that LOL

The last little speech by Toby…I actually could relate to my life…right now….and how I feel about going on my trial with Monseigneur E. It is why I have not given up or backed out….even in the rough times that it really crossed my mind if I was doing the right thing being involved with someone like him….because how we think is so different.

But not to pump his ego or make his head swell lol….

He seems different and worth it….

Even when I was going through a time of thinking about asking for my control back….I knew I had to go. That never changed in my mind. And Bill…I think got that. He seemed to understand that. I am glad he did. I don’t know if I do lol

Next thing because it won’t leave my mind right now….

And not tooting my own horn because I really don’t understand WHY this is happening now…

But everyday for the last week…I have had someone express interest in me. And I don’t understand now that I am not available why that happens….

Anyway, I mentioned it to someone…and how he replied bothered me. Not sure why. He has said something similar to me before and it bothered me then too.

Bill bought a single tail on Ebay and it came today. And so he was snapping the darn thing! LOL And it was making me all wiggly lol And of course he knew that and so he just teased me more! Lisa and Bill have this relationship I can’t even begin to describe. It is very loving. Many things about Bill remind me of Jim. HEY I do like Bill though! : ) Actually, I love Jim still - it is just hard to stay with someone who thinks you are unfaithful and a freak. And Bill obviously has a more open mind then Jim did….he just has other personality characteristics that are similar to Jim’s. Anyway, Bill and Lisa have this really neat relationship. And as I told Moni the other night - it made me crave to be normal. The other night they were a family sitting down having dinner. Talking at the table, eating, laughing, and just having a nice time. It was nice.

Have you ever had someone who tells you a story and they are saying I know I am really out there….I bet you have never heard of anything like I just told you….and you don’t want to hurt their feelings….because what they told you was tame compared to most of your everyday life? That happened to me today LOL I just nodded and smiled politely lol

I suppose I should get to bed…I have quite a few things I want to do tomorrow.

Just like a blossom,
bright colored
but scentless:
a well-spoken word
is fruitless
when not carried out.

-Dhammapada, 4, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep....I am going to be so off tomorrow. And I have things I really need to get done....plus plans for dinner.

Where does a person start to sort out feelings? Monseigneur E told me Wednesday that emotions are like a complex puzzle. And that you need to start with the beginning of the puzzle to get the end. I just am having problems really deciding where the beginning is...at. He helped me see that there were other feelings going on and that it was just easier to focus on the jealously then those other feelings.

Sun is coming up and I have not been to bed.

I have lots of extreme thoughts going on. Those thoughts that don't get shared with others. The thoughts that barely even get this far....as admitting they are there. It goes so hot and cold. The other night after talking to Monseigneur E about visiting I was so excited that I could not come down from that high and did nto go there but then yesterday and today I am feeling it on the edge. But then later in the day...it will probably be gone again. I crave BDSM things more then sex. I crave the power exchange more then I crave romance but I still want romance too.

I am always wanting more and wonder if there will come a time where....I don't feel that way. Where it all just clicks in place and feels right.

One must care about a world one will never see. -- Bertrand Russell

4am neurotic ramble

restless - lost - alone - trying to figure out what I need to do next. I don’t want to think about what comes next. It seems so muddled and then other times it seems so clear. I want it to just spill out and be right......there before me. I don't want to edit or backtrack. Life goes up and down and I am ready to just settle down and not have the chaos in my life with no edits, no rewrites, no backspacing.

Someone told me yesterday that is why I want to be with Nick. Because he is "normal." And will keep me grounded ,but of course they thought I would become bored and sabotage it - make it so he won't want to be with me.

I want him to want me the way I want him. And I am scared so scared he doesn't. I want him to wonder what I am doing and where I am and when will I get there to him....like I do with him.

Is he there? Is it all real? Does it all matter?

I want to worry about different things.....now in my life. I want to worry about things with him. I want to worry about life as a submissive. I want to worry about life pleasing him.

Nick has talked to me about having a secret garden that no one sees and he sees into some of it. I want show him the entire garden. I want to run through life with him......I want to hear music I have never heard before because that music is heard with him for the first time. I want to see the colors of the world for the first time through his eyes. I want to look into his eyes and speak those unspoken words that spoke between lovers. I want to share his secrets. I want the key to see all those things he has never told anyone.....but I want to know him...I want to know everything. I want to be inside him as much as he is inside me.

I wrote him an email after expressing love for him in my blogger. It was hard to do - to open up that part of the secret garden to him. I wrote him and said I am being neurotic - that I just needed to hear "everything will be okay" after he read it. We have talked on the phone since but I have not got that “everything is okay.”

Because inside of me there is an 18 year old young woman that still believes she is the center of the universe and that the world turns to the beat of her heart. In my mind as her I am better then everyone else. ....In my mind as her I am strong, safe and loved....I am.

But in my mind I can be wrong....because in my mind I am 18 instead of 34.

And today at 34 - I want everything to be okay.....is it okay?

Mean Reds

From Breakfast at Tiffany's.....

Listen...you know those days when you get the mean reds?" --Holly.
"The mean reds? You mean like the blues?" --Fred (Paul).
"No...the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" --Holly.
"Sure." --Fred (Paul).
"When I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away." --Holly.

I am wishing I could go to Tiffany's right now.....

Last night I could not sleep. I wanted to write an email to Nick discussing some things that I could not get out on the phone with him earlier in the day. But even the words for the email did not form.

So because I could not sleep I was flipping through channels and came upon a favorite of mine on AMC.....Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It had already started but I watched it anyway. There is a part that I can't find the exact quote for it right now.....and I don't feel like pulling out my video and finding it either right now. Anyway, Paul is in his apartment telling his wealthy mistress that he is breaking it off with her. And she says something like she must have money so that she can take care of you. And he says something like no, funny thing is she needs someone to take care of her and it feels good to take care of her. I am in a day right now today where I wish I had someone to take care of me. And I don't mean financially - neither did Paul when he said that about Holly. I mean emotionally.

Here is another quote from the movie....that I found....that I thought was interesting.....

Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

La la la la la la la la

I just thought I would write a little since I am up and not able to sleep. I am feeling a little better. I have pretty much stuck to my bed for a week now. While stuck in bed I have been thinking thinking and thinking of course.....oh no! I have wrote some too - not much because even holding a pen there for a while hurt.

I am trying to (as I have been for weeks now) figure out what to do with my life. I have no idea still what I am going to do. I had someone recently say that he wanted to sweep me off my feet. And that is exactly what I want right now. Would most say that is the thing for me right now? No, they would not.

I do not remember what movie it was that I was watching that said....

"If love was a choice who would chose love since it is such an exquisite pain."

It is true....love is not a choice. Or I would have stopped loving him by now. March 25th, 2001 was the first time he contacted me. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and then other times if feels like it was years ago.

I am trying to figure out why I love this man still. He hurt me really like no one ever has hurt me and I still feel love for him. I can think of the things he did and said and know they were wrong. I remember discussing them with Di and other friends and everyone agreeing that what he did was wrong and he was screwed up. She called him an asshole probably more then I did and all this makes no sense. And through this all I still have the images come to me the first time I met him....it is a slow motion picture in my head and it hurts so much. The spot on my breasts hurts tonight. I always wonder why it hurts sometimes and not others........

A song I can't get out of my head lol....

Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

Every night
Every day
Just to be there in your arms

Won't you stay
Won't you lay
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

There's a dark
Secret in me
Don't leave me locked in your heart

Set me free
Fill the need in me
Set me free
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)

Good night....

peace,
danae

Slut

Music: Dave Matthews Band

Mood is tired tonight with a smiley...it is a smiley because it is a GOOD thing that I am finally tired :)

Well, March 1st is over and if things would have went smoothly lately I would have been in Arizona right now meeting Nick. :(

So I have been depressed tonight. I was asked out by 2 different men, asked out by a friend and then there was a submissive meeting tonight too. I just did not want to be out and around people though so opted to stay home.

Poly has been going through my mind a lot again lately. I have had discussions with some people about it lately...that is probably why. People always ask me would I do it again. And that is a hard question. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. I guess it would just depend on the people involved.

Tonight I hung out on IRC with Mistress DM, Monseigneur_E and his slave, and then some bois Mistress DM is interested in....it was nice. I had not talked with Monseigneur_E and his slave in a very long time. We share common D/s beliefs. I had said that I had not played since Sept. 4th and they both told me come there lol Which I am sure it would be VERY interesting! *blushes* And some good pain to feed those masochistic needs in me.

Monseigneur_E said something tonight that caught my interest....well a few things but one was........we all were joking about something and it Mistress DM said something like.....first time buying danae. How it was said though I took it as people bought me...*no giggles from the peanut gallery* and like she was asking if this was the first time I was bought. lol I laughed at that and Monseigneur_E said no she has been a renter. And basically said it and to me made it seem like I have renters all my life and now am waiting for a buyer. And I liked that.....I know that might sound so strange. I have had renters - people who stay but do not intend to really get to know the house/car/property and become a part of it.....and now I am wanting someone to be buyer. To find me and not be able to live without me. I am sure that not exactly what he meant. But it is how I took it.

Mistress DM of course had to make me blush from head to toe a few times tonight! lol I can't even remember why she said the things she did but she pushed all the little danae buttons and made me warm and flustered lol

I have been hanging out in a chat that is called Intelligentsubs. It has had some very good discussions and I like lots of people that hang out in there.

The problem I am having IRC is the same one I had on yahoo. I have in my nick the name slut. And because I do.....there is the "assumption" that I cyber. And then what most people define as slut is not my definition. Most think it is a person who sleeps with everything that moves. My definition is when a person is able to let go and be uninhibited. And just be almost animalistic and primal. There are times when I am slut mode where I would beg and do anything to have that orgasm. Getting to that state of just so much out there....is being a slut to me. To be able to let go and just be sexually free.

So the messages I have been getting are of course are very sexual. And that is definitely not the way to get my attention.

I have talked to Nick almost every night this past week. It has been nice. A lot has been on my mind regarding him and I. He is unquestionably good for me. Not sure what is going on.....never mind.

Again almost 5am and I am not in bed......

good night....

peace,
danae

Work Stress

Music: U2 - Best of 1980-1990

Well...

This past 7 days has been beyond words.

Wednesday night after the Grammy's a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Not to say there is still not stress there...but....at least not as much now.

So now I need to decide the next step of my life. Which of course is another stress in it self.

I have chatted with lots of friends lately about everything that is going on. I have chatted with Sir Nick several times this week. He has been VERY supportive and he has had lots going on in his life so I am very grateful to have him standing by my side right now.

Honey also called me right away after I emailed her Saturday morning. She offered to fly here or have me go there.

I go through times where I push everyone away and just hide out. It is a time right now where I would like to do that and so far everyone has been great!

Moni messaged me right away tonight...to see how I was doing. And at that point I was basically laughing, as it was easier then starting to cry.

I was going to do a long post on D/s topics today but my mind was wondering lots. I had been thinking of failing, succeeding, progressing....reactance theory. And then a quote that Mistress DM found and posted on her journal....."Possession rather than obedience is the defining quality of slavery; obedience rather than possession is the defining quality of submission."

The Internal Enslavement website has been one of my favorites for a while. Kevin sent me it not to long ago also as many of the things said on the Internal Enslavement FAQ are words that could have and have come from him mouth.

Listening to U2......there was a U2 concert on VH1 tonight and I was I think I could have had an orgasm just watching it lol Bono pulled a girl up on stage and was lying on the stage singing and kind of just holding her. And I was moaning lol Kam would look over at me with a weird look on his face. :) I remember Jim bought me tickets to U2 concerts both times were birthday presents and one concert was actually on my birthday. After the concert on vh1...they did a behind the music thing with U2. And the dancer that went on that tour - I remember Bono announced it was her birthday that day too. Well that dancer and The Edge married. I thought that was an interesting little tidbit.

It is 4:43am and I am up....

My mind is spinning.....

What will I do now?

I was fine when I first started writing as now I am starting to feel down. There are so many things that disappeared from my life in the past 7 days.....work, friendship....trust.....love.....and many more things......

good night...

peace,
danae

Shopping

Music: Nickleback, Staind, Creed

I am up and about to go shopping and dinner with a friend. Shopping cures everything right? *smile* There are a couple new friends I have that I need to ask if I can give them names for here. So for now I am going shopping with a friend :) I got some WELL needed sleep! Things look totally different today. I mean I am still hurt, but not nearly as pissed. I keep thinking about last night and how hard it was to go to Carpe Diem but how glad I am went. I am glad Kevin insisted I go there. I got lots of hugs from Moni, Michael, Lisa and many others and that was a good thing that I needed. And was happy to be with friends!

All the things that went on this last week....I am really amazed I have not just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days...or have a drink as Mistress DM asked me :)

I hope this next week is better even though I know it is going to be stressful already....

well I better go get ready....

peace,
danae

babbled on

Music: Pure Moods

Changing topics lots as my mind is wondering...as I have had a few interruptions.

Feelings - I go from being so scared, to being full of anger, to being content and happy, to being extremely turned on and floating, to being where I don't want anyone to touch as it feels my skin even hurts.

Sleep Patterns - Last night I talked to Kevin about my sleeping patterns a little bit. I would hint to Todd about them and even to Nick. Nick grasps it more then Todd did and Nick I think believes he will do something about it when I am there with him. Todd just perpetuated it.

To be looked after/love - Kevin always is looking out for me.....it feels good to have someone doing that.

I find it sad that people said they loved me did not really look out for me. Was it because they loved me? And were to close to see through the forest so to speak. But yet I love people and look after them. So, is it a gender thing? hmmmm

Dark Desires - Are very very strong lately.....Kevin asked me if I notice a pattern with them as he has noticed one. The dark desires seem to be getting even....darker lately.

Weight - Something I am having issue with right now that is bigger then I care to think about...is my weight. Last year this time I lost 40 lbs and I know I have gained it all back.

Being Alone - I am getting very sick of being alone lately. Last night I could not sleep mostly because of that. I did not want to be alone. I walked into my bedroom and looked at the bed and turned around and went to the couch and lie down and watched TV for a least an hour if not more. And then fell asleep there as usual.

I have this really good smelling candle going and I can't even smell it LOL allergies are so much fun!! NOT!

Okay I have babbled on enough....

Looked at the time...

Happy Valentines Day! *kisses*

peace,
danae

In the Group

Well, last night was a good night and a so so night for various reasons.

Good night is because I went to a BDSM meeting that I had not been to in a while and saw some people that I have not seen in a while. And got to see Moni again 2 times in one week! :)

A lot of the comments made were good comments. I just have a hard time sitting at times in situations like that because I hear lots of good things but when the meeting is over and we all are in little groups what you hear is so different.

I brought the point up that Mistress DM had pointed out to me a few weeks ago about it is not my will that is stopping me from submitting. It is ego and pride and things like that. That my authentic self ends up letting my will win...as I am submissive. I have come to find out today that my comments helped a good friend of mine and I am glad I said what I did.

I want to get back into hanging out with Moni and a few others in the group. It felt good to be around friends!

My mind spins out of control. I was talking to friends last night about it. I got to bed early and get up pretty early and I go to bed late basically because I can't get my mind to slow down and I feel I am going to miss something. One girl there suggested yoga to help with meditation that would slow me down internally....which makes sense.

I feeling lots of things.....just not sure how to put them in words......

peace,
danae

hibernating

Music: Tangerine Dream

I am pretty much hibernating. I have cut myself off from everything since being back from my parents. One thing is work....I just needed a vacation from answering the phones. I still am not missing it much yet but I am starting to do some work things now.

I did not sleep at all last night and that bothers me a lot. As I felt I was doing so much better with sleep. And yesterday I was able to concentrate so much more. But then I went to bed and woke up with nightmares again. And so that I ended up staying up watching movies until the sun came up this morning....and that is when I went to bed. ugghhh :(

Di and I were talking about Nick the other night. And I know she is right. He and I need to have a serious conversation. I just feel so much lately that I get upset about things and it bothers me that I do...I get hurt by things he is doing and he is not even aware that they hurt me. I just feel every conversation we have lately is me explaining something that upset me and hurt me. But that is because main reason.....he is not able to give me lots of time so by the time we talked a few things have built up. And how much time and attention I need has changed. Honey was commenting on that...how patient I was being with the time and attention thing.

I did not have time to post this earlier but wanted to now even though I have more to write about....

peace,
danae

Good Night

I should probably write tonight but I just do not feel like it.

So going to go watch TV.....maybe I will get some sleep.....

good night...

peace,
danae

Attention

Written 10/8 (could not get to blogger to update until now)

Music: Michelle Branch ~ The Spirit Room

Mistress DM ims me after I posted my blogger yesterday.....saying it is a cry for help. I guess I know it is a downer lol

She is always there for me even when I have been a big pain. I am sure she has wanted to scream some sense into me more then once. She wrote in her journal that she is sure I wonder why she puts up with me. Oh yes I have thought that MANY times!

Anyway....back to her and my conversation last night....I said in my blogger that it felt like nothing after I wrote all that...but yet i picked my mood as scared. If it was nothing why was I scared?

She believes my need for attention is my fear of being alone. Which I believe also.

The last paragraph she felt was a lot of Morgan in it. And reading it I can see where she sees that but what I see is more Nick in it.

We talked about various things and then.....

It came to this...

Mistress DM: you want another, harsher, reason for your need for attention?
DanaeWhispering: Sure Ma`am
Mistress DM: it distracts you from facing yourself. keeps you busy. if you can get enough people to say how wonderful and enticing you are, you won't have to face the fears and do something about them
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am

I have known that for a long time. I guess to me there has been lots of other BIGGER things that I needed to deal with before dealing with this. And now is the time. Nothing before it's time.....basically is my belief.

I am happy. I mean that must sound so strange reading this journal and hearing from this girl that writes these things that she is happy. I am happy. I am still missing things in my life but I am happy.

I write Nick every night telling him feelings and thoughts...daily life happenings. I told him because of the situation we are in right now....he is probably getting to know me for me a lot sooner then he would if we had kept going as we were. This way I just ramble and let out so much in my emails to him. I share fears and things I have deep inside me...passions and joys too.

A few weeks ago I felt that I was crossing the line talking with other dominants. And so he and I had a talk about. He was very understanding and very good at directing me. It has taken me sometime, but I have made lots of changes in just a few weeks that were hard to do. I got rid of a lot of my life preservers.

In one email I told him that he makes me want to be a better person. At times I think he nudges me in right directions by asking me "innocent" questions that make me think. And other times I get lectures from him lol I told him that I do not believe he is here to help make me change or make me happy. But he does open the shades I have on the window of my condo on de nile and allow me to see things I have been missing. And whether it is him pulling at the shade or showing me the shade is there...either way...I am seeing things so differently then I have ever.

Todd wanted to fix me....fix the defect so that I would stop being submissive. I think he felt I used my submission as crutch. Or that I was submissive because of things that happened to me. He then realized nope this is who she is and then really did not know what to do with me lol

Nick knows and appreciates that I am submissive and wants to help me but does not want wish to "change" me.

Nick is not here. And that has been hard for me. When my needs were not getting met with Kam, I would stay up online talking to Dominants because I liked the attention. I even got very close with one Dominant and his submissive. It scares me that how caught up I got in the web. Anyway attention is like a quick fix for me. It is like an alcoholic with booze. It numbs the pain for a while. Attention numbs me so I do not feel the loneliness...the alone feeling.

So the last month actually I have started doing things so that....change that....I mean I am feeling the alone feeling but I am not "always" acting on it. I am still at times. I did not even realize I was working towards this until last week.

I still revert to some old behaviors and I do not like that. Yesterday, I did.....Self-destructive behavior ya know lol I knew afterwards - right away - what I had just done. And it pissed me off. And today when the same opportunity came up I said no.

It is so weird I throw out life preservers and I turn around to keep going forward and 3 more are there wanting to be one and it just gets hard to keep saying no and throwing them out. I can swim on my own. I can do this.

I know I am not doing it exactly the way Mistress DM thinks I should be, but I cannot let something that I feel is good pass me by. I can do both.

I feel there is so much more that I want to type. There is all these thoughts going through my mind right now but I am also thinking about Di LOTS. My thoughts will be with her all day on Tuesday.

Well, I better get to bed....

I had lots of sleep all weekend and then Sunday night I had 4 hours sleep and last night I had 5 hours sleep. So going back to not much sleep...and probably crash on the weekend again.

peace,
danae

Struggle

Monday Morning....

I could not get to sleep for a long time again last night. Just laid on the couch. The TV was on and I can't even tell you what was on. I just put on Nick at Nite on I think.

I thought of Todd and then Sir Nick mostly last night. It feels like Todd is invading my head again and messing with me. And I have tried to figure out why he is in my thoughts a lot lately and I have no ideas. It is almost like I miss him but yet at the same time I am mad that he still has this hold on me.

Kam and I were talking the other night and he wanted to know why I would not give him another chance. Yet, he felt if Todd came back into my life I would give Todd another chance. The feelings are so different - Todd and Kam. I love Kam but the love I feel for Todd is different. But Kam was wrong...I would not give Todd another chance.....to hurt me again. I do not regret any relationship I have been in as to me I would have rather loved and had these intense emotions then not have felt them.

Okay, I have Poe playing and wanted to get lyrics of course so I did a search for Poe and found their official site. It is really cool! Follow the bouncing ball! :)

Poe has a journal for what happened on 9-11. Right now I just had a few things happen all at once....signed on aol and the front page and something about handling anger right now because of what happened 9-11. And then open Poe and talks about 9-11.

I have been feeling LOTS of anger the last few days. I feel like I am ready to explode. I hit my hand in the wall the other night because of it and that is very unlike me. I do not like feeling anger. And I feel like if I let it out it will never stop. I will just feel the anger forever...and that is it.

I have anger towards people that do not even deserve the anger. It is like right now it is the only feeling I can have so that even things I should not be angry about, I am. I am angry with myself even for feeling anger lol

My main anger right now though is at myself for what happened on Friday. And not sure how to handle it. Or what to do with it. I actually did not even think about that I would have anger over what happened on 9-11. Mostly I guess because I am trying to turn everything off from then. And I have lots of reasons why I do not want to react or have opinions and express them. But stopping that I am sure is causing some stress and anger in me.

It upsets me that people are retaliating against arab-americans. Like the people that drove their car into the mosque here in Cleveland. Why do that? As someone who has a good friend that is Palestinian that people would do something to hurt her. And I actually wonder if what happened on Friday had something to do with that. I hope not.

Just read this about anger...."Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. It almost always sits on top of some deeper, more painful emotion. So, for most of us who are experiencing anger right now, we find it easier to talk about the anger than we do about the deeper emotions of sadness or fear that drive the anger." (Wheaton College psychology professor Mark McMinn)

Okay so I guess the job to do is figure out the other emotions that the anger is masking. Not something I am up to doing today lol

I have been sitting here just lost in the music for about 10 minutes.

I was thinking about something....

What do I want? I know what I want but I just find it interesting that there are some Dominants that feel that they know me but really don't. Or do not get the big picture. We all have bad days and is that the day you would push a hard limit with your submissive? I know I am not making sense. Just thinking out loud.

I know Todd struggled with how he handled things with me.....if he was doing right by me. I know he struggled with if he did right by me....D/s wise. Just relationship wise I do not think he thought of...or if he did it overwhelmed him so he just shoved it aside and did things to push me away because of his feelings. I respected that he struggled with what he did with me as a Dominant. That if it was good for me.

I was talking to Sir Nick about 2 weeks ago on the phone. I called him crying and left a message on his machine and he called me back. Now he is caught in his work role (and I understand it and I am proud of the work he is doing)...he though started talking to me like he would, I believe one of his colleagues. And I said, "yes Sir." over and over to each thing he said and then...I heard the mental light bulb click on because he changed how he was approaching things. He was doing the suck it up and deal. And then it was like he realized damn I am talking to danae. And then he changed how he approached it. It actually made me feel very good that he knew the approach he was doing I would accept from him but that it would not reach me as well as something else.

uggghh...I just got messaged. Saturday night I met someone. And what *I* needed...did not happen. I needed a friend. Anyway, I know he is upset with me. But why do people not get it. I mean I called him crying. I got there and my wrist was swollen and bruises just starting. It is pointless but see it goes back to with like Sir Nick on the phone...he started his approach one way and then realized this will not work with her stop and go this way. And it worked.

I just felt intense anger when done with the im. This is just not a good thing to be feeling this way. I feel sick to my stomach basically.

The anger is not a good thing. I wish I knew what to do with it and how to break it up.

peace,
danae

Distant

I am feeling weird tonight.....

I know he was tired. And so am I....

I feel....

I wish I knew the words for it.

It was a long day. And intense in many ways.

Work was so incredibly busy today. I was up at 7:30 and got home about 9:45pm and have been doing work on and off up until just now.

The last few days I have felt very distant from Sir Nick. And we both have been very busy...and I have been sick and he was at the beginning of the week also.

I have not been sleeping well at all. I have felt lots floating around out there but not really able to identify it.

Ugggh I hate this feeling.

good night...

peace,
danae