danae

Being Normal

I am going to try to make this a quickie as I am really really tired. I have not been sleeping well at all. I just watch the clock all night or wake up frequently….with and without nightmares.

I start to write and everything that comes out…seems private right now.

I have needs that are not being met to me. My wants that definitely aren’t but have not for a while. I have things going on with Nick that…I am dealing with but lack of contact also does not make it “feel” better. I just wish I were with Monseigneur E and Linda right now. I am starting to have anxiety about visiting them. I have things that I am trying to figure out about October but waiting on a date of when I will be visiting to do so. Money issues always around. I am thinking about something I used to do and how I want to do that again. And what that would mean to the people in my life.

I just have like these issues pop up and they hang around in the background but aren’t totally bothering me but also I am not completely relaxed because of them. I mean it is not really stress like I had in August.

Random notes….(Buffy spoilers ahead)

Watched TV 2 nights in a row! Wooo hoooo! LOL Really I don’t watch TV. There is not really a lot I want to watch. And the news I get online. But last night I watched the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. SPOILER

I liked Buffy….I like the look of it this year so far. Xander pulling up in a nice car and wearing a suit to me seemed like he finally grew up and that is a good thing. Willow off with Giles in England to “recover” - I liked. Willow is who I drool over on the show. And then Spike too, but I don’t understand why I drool over Spike, as he really is not my type. James Marsters did a really good job in this first episode of the season. I liked the principle. I liked that they were more hmm diverse with an African American principle. And then Dawn’s new friend is Hispanic. It is about time with the show. The ending really stumped me on where they are going to go with this season. But I do know it looked interesting!

Okay other TV show I watched was most of the 2 hours season premiere of West Wing. And I just like that show. I like most of the politics on it too…. Nick is cringing as I say that LOL

The last little speech by Toby…I actually could relate to my life…right now….and how I feel about going on my trial with Monseigneur E. It is why I have not given up or backed out….even in the rough times that it really crossed my mind if I was doing the right thing being involved with someone like him….because how we think is so different.

But not to pump his ego or make his head swell lol….

He seems different and worth it….

Even when I was going through a time of thinking about asking for my control back….I knew I had to go. That never changed in my mind. And Bill…I think got that. He seemed to understand that. I am glad he did. I don’t know if I do lol

Next thing because it won’t leave my mind right now….

And not tooting my own horn because I really don’t understand WHY this is happening now…

But everyday for the last week…I have had someone express interest in me. And I don’t understand now that I am not available why that happens….

Anyway, I mentioned it to someone…and how he replied bothered me. Not sure why. He has said something similar to me before and it bothered me then too.

Bill bought a single tail on Ebay and it came today. And so he was snapping the darn thing! LOL And it was making me all wiggly lol And of course he knew that and so he just teased me more! Lisa and Bill have this relationship I can’t even begin to describe. It is very loving. Many things about Bill remind me of Jim. HEY I do like Bill though! : ) Actually, I love Jim still - it is just hard to stay with someone who thinks you are unfaithful and a freak. And Bill obviously has a more open mind then Jim did….he just has other personality characteristics that are similar to Jim’s. Anyway, Bill and Lisa have this really neat relationship. And as I told Moni the other night - it made me crave to be normal. The other night they were a family sitting down having dinner. Talking at the table, eating, laughing, and just having a nice time. It was nice.

Have you ever had someone who tells you a story and they are saying I know I am really out there….I bet you have never heard of anything like I just told you….and you don’t want to hurt their feelings….because what they told you was tame compared to most of your everyday life? That happened to me today LOL I just nodded and smiled politely lol

I suppose I should get to bed…I have quite a few things I want to do tomorrow.

Just like a blossom,
bright colored
but scentless:
a well-spoken word
is fruitless
when not carried out.

-Dhammapada, 4, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.