danae

One of the lists I am on is talking about Freedom found in surrender/submission/slavery.

I have been giving it some thought.

I believe there is freedom in submission. I have felt that freedom for little periods of time.....the time that impacted me the most though...was with Don in the first part of our relationship.

I felt freedom in my boundaries. I knew what he wanted, expected, demanded...and knowing that helped me feel free of life's junk. I had responsibilities....I didn't stop thinking then....but life was easier then. I felt like I was living life too not just going with the day in and day out of it...I felt it. I felt happening. I did not have to "make" myself into something to make the relationship work. I could just be me....my actions, my words, my emotions.........submitting to his Dominance. It was so clear and right.

I wish it would have stayed that way.....

Anyway....since then.....I have not really found that freedom. I get little tastes of it....but then something happens.

It has always seemed to me that...that I have "too" much for the Dominants I encounter. One of the girls on the list was talking about that she was too emotional, too intense, too strong....and I could relate to that.

I want to be with someone who I can be me with and them not get scared by what they see. I have problems and issues. And I want someone who is willing to help me with those issues and not be scared of them.

Okay next topic....

Lisa needs to take her next test and do one other thing......so everyone needs to bug her about it :) lol We joked last night that I could send her email's everyday reminding her. And then Bill just said why don't you post it in the blogger so everyone can know and bug her lol SOOOOOOOOOOO! :)

Yesterday afternoon...I finally ventured out. I was being a hermit...which I told Lisa I would do. But I also did not do all of my hermit things lol I did not close them out. But I did not venture far from home. So yesterday I did. I went to Gabe's ohhhhh this one out here had SO MUCH that I wanted. I then went to Wal-Mart which seems to be the place to be...lol it was very busy! I got to wonder around there and then went to a couple of other stores. Ate some dinner and came back about 9pm. When I got back, I reminded Lisa of something one of the boys needed for school and so we ran out to get it and got to have some time together. We went to the park and just talked. It was nice. She wanted to know how I feeling about knowing that the trip to see Monseigneur E and Linda is kind of up in the air...and in limbo on *when* it is going to happen.

I don't like that my life is still in limbo. I several things going on the first half of October that I want to be here for but I also want to be there. I have set up the October meeting for SMART. And I really want to be here for that....especially if the person who is speaking brings his slave...who is someone I love...and was involved with. And her Master is a really a great guy and I look forward to speaking to him and hearing him speak at SMART.

I was thinking of maybe putting a party together after the SMART meeting....as it is my Birthday the night before SMART so a party would be fun and also maybe get a chance to see the speaker play and that is always fun...to see how people I admire play. :) So that is just something I am thinking about....

Yesterday.....I was chatting with Monseigneur E.....

We have not had a lot of time to chat for several weeks. And so I was happy to be chatting with him. In the conversation he had me do something that made me feel anger. I knew right away it was irrational anger. I told him I was feeling angry and so he had me stop what we were doing which of course upset me. So I was a mixture of emotions. I wanted the attention but I was mad at that attention....which makes no sense. After he logged off, someone I respect, admire and bounce things off of....messaged me. So I explained what happened to her. And in explaining....I realized something I typed and said. I was upset that I was getting attention when it was "inconvenient for me." It was kind of like...."oh great now after weeks of wanting attention...now when I have things going on...and am in a situation where it is not convenient is now when he is giving me attention." Nice and fair and submissive of me huh? Ugggh I hate when I get like that. I see it for what it is...I should have informed him of the situation. I should know it is....not always about me (like how I slipped that always in there).

Here he was giving me something I really really wanted and I screwed it up....Why couldn't I have been so grateful and thankful for the time and attention? Why did I have to get angry? Why....uggghhh

I want to serve and please him and yet I never seem to do it smoothly. I want to learn......and hope I can at some point....

First I gave up action,
Then idle words,
And lastly thought itself.

Now I am here.

Ridding my mind of distraction,
Single-pointed,
I shut out sounds and all the senses,
And I am here.

-Ashtavakra Gita 12:1-2

From "The Heart of Awareness: A Translation of the
Ashtavakra Gita," by Thomas Byrom, 1990.