Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.

So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him.  With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again.  Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it. 

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch,  and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.


Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Punching

Someone I was with before Master was really into punching me, it wasn't something we talked about at all before hand. He just did it. There was an unexpected violence and brutality to it that in the end turned me on - made me into a puddle of goo. It makes me want to fight back and crawl away, but inside something can't wait for the next time. I can't wait to feel that next punch.

This man did punch me in the face at times. I ended up  bruises sometimes - a puffy split lip, a black eye, and bruises on my cheeks. He pretty much just used me as a punching bag. He would not tie me or restrain, but just tell me to stand and take it. If I moved it - of course he would get harder. So I learned to stand and take it.

Master punches me also. We went to a class at an event (Thunder in the Mountains) about punching and kicking. The rest of the weekend was all about punching for Master. I had bruises on my arms because we would be walking down the hall and he would just punch me in the arm. He would grind his knuckles in and make the bruises worse. It would often cause bruised muscle tissue. When he punches my ass or my cunt there is no surface bruise, but damn it hurts.

Master has punched me in the face. He has caused a split lip. It turned me on while he did it even though I wanted to fight to turn away. It turned me on after running my tongue over it. Feeling it and knowing how it was made - the force and brutality.

It feels violent although consensual. The fear that comes with it - all if turned me on. I want to fight and yet there is that piece inside me is like please more because I need it.Thankful that Master enjoys punching me because I do like the brutality of it.

Degrade Me

Okay so I was reading a post by a FetLife member. If you have never read her posts, read her blog or seen her pictures - and you like humiliation and degradation - go now and look. I don't think you will be disappointed. Anyway, I recently read a post by her and it felt like I an echo of something long ago. And every so often I have went back and read it. And I finally tracked down why it sounds so familiar....feels familiar. I wrote something very similar in August of 2002. It wasn't posted here. It was posted in a private journal.

So here it is from August 16, 2002...

I want to be feeling that darkness inside that brings me to the core. I don't want just a little humiliation that makes squirm. I don't want it to be "play" - No I want to FEEL it down to the core. I want to be slapped, kicked, hit - abused and told all the names that I hear...inside...fat, stupid, worthless pig. Fat - yes it is something I do want used against me. And it is hard to find that person that will say it and mean it and use it against me. Who will reduce me to tears through the truth. I want to fight, I want to lose it and scream I hate you.

Many have said they could do it. But really many haven't. Once I need to teach someone or even just tell someone what I desire - it takes something out of it. Inside I kind of go yeah right whenever I hear the words. It doesn't feel like it is being ripped from the depths of my darkness but just repetition of what I just stated. It is on the surface. I know it isn't fair to make someone be a mind-reader though so realistically I tell them. I tell them what I crave.

I tell them of wanting to be reduced and finding that place where tears flow freely because I feel the truth in the words. And I feel myself breaking from the truth. To that darkness at the core that will finally be quieted by the truth. And I can accept it and surrender to the lowest place of all.

I wait and wait for it. They contact me and says they want to do those horrible things to me but no one touches the truth in me. I long for it...a desire waiting and burning inside. I get angry and feel it ready to claw out. I want to find someone to rip it out of me - laugh at me - and force me to see it.

Please someone do it...degrade me, hurt me, use me, abuse me.....rip the darkness out and laugh at me. Please I beg do it to me now.



***Edit to add this was written before I became Master's property. So it isn't written to him or because of him.

Having It All

How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.

Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess?   Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam.  But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality.  The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?

Feel bad for liking it

Things I have been feeling lately....

I have had the need to feel bad...bad about me, bad about being a sexual being, bad about craving the things I crave. I don't usually feel bad for my feelings. My feelings about the brutality and need for it always feel good to me. It makes me complete. So why would I want to make myself feel bad about something that most people have tremendous amount of guilt about and are always so surprised I never had?

As a child I never had guilt for being a sexual being. I thought we all were like this...and probably why I dealt with some of my sexual abuse so differently. It was not until basically I was an adult that I "really" figured out that I was not normal. It is so strange. The things done to me were not right and hurt and I was scared and it did not seem normal, but it did not occur to me to tell. I know I am not explaining this well. But it just seemed like....I am going to say this and I hate to say it....I hate that I am going to say it, but I have never said this before. Part of me feels...like it was just who I am...that little bit of me that tells me I deserved it....and logically I know that is people feel that is wrong. People probably would tell me that I have a low self esteem because of the things done to me so that is why I think that being abused is okay. I hate that people use that....as an excuse. I believe I am this way. Why should I feel bad about that?  I was born a masochist and submissive. They are qualities in me that were not learned or taught, but there in me. Just like being homosexual or hetro...or being talented in something...like art or doing math....those are just personality qualities making up a person. I am this way. Him, the person who abused me, I don't want to justifying what he did, but maybe he saw that in me and used it. I know that is what Don did I know that without a doubt. He told me so.

Really at first Don was a good Master....it was just when he started having personal problems that.....he started being more cruel.But again he needed me to use and abuse to get through those problems. I was there to hurt.

Mind racing in like 12 directions right now. I wish society would just accept me as is...I need brutality of abuse.