How can I achieve a relationship with M/s, love, compassion, and abuse? Is it possible? I know that when I think of what Don did to me, some things my ex-husband did to me, and now the Sadist does to me...I question if it can be achieved.
Every time I walk away from the Sadist, I am broken. Oh yeah, I am seeing him again. I need to put myself back together. But is it really putting myself back together or is it putting masks and layers on to pretend I am like everyone else. Pretend I am a good girl that likes to be treated like a princess? Oh please...a princess? Only time I have liked playing princess is within my Daddy/little girl relationship with Kam. But even then I wasn't princess, but just Daddy's good girl. But really that is a small part of my personality. The fear, the brutality, the need to be abused, humiliated, and degraded, those are me. Those take up a huge part of who I am and I am sure it is the parts that make a few friends tell me I won't ever be a slave. That a slave doesn't need those things. A slave is about obedience and service. I am wired for both so why can't I be wired for obedience, service, the need to feel fear, abuse, brutality, humiliation and degradation - why can't I find a relationship with all that and love?
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