danae

Update of the weekend…and a ramble…

Friday we went to a strip club. The dancers had terrible attitudes. I wonder why people go with them having that type of attitude. The feature had the hugest tits. It looked like she had volleyball in each one. They were that round...it looked like it hurt. Also she thought it was impressive to hang a cowboy hat off on of them. *rolls eyes*

Then Saturday I wrote M a long letter. I am glad he heard what I had to say and appreciate that he listened. Saturday evening it was Carpe Diem and then a play party. I had a nice time mingling at the party. And a very good time playing. Bill played with me…he used floggers, the viper, and his single tail on me. Plus spanked me…and of course I came lol I love the fast, medium impact spankings….the just make great vibrations through the body and so I cum…multiple times lol

I was suppose to meet M for coffee on Sunday morning, but I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach so I had to cancel. And I really really did not want to. I was looking forward to seeing him…not even just to play but also to talk to him. But I did want to play…well I wanted to suffer actually.

I was telling someone today that with M…it is not just being a painslut. I am not that with him. I am not a masochist either. I am some other thing…I suffer and I need that. I never knew how much I needed to suffer. Or maybe just never admitted it. There are lots of things that I experience with M that I never talk about out loud. That I desire so much…it is scary and makes me feel alive.

Back to the update…I then talked with M on the phone and online a few times…and our talks were very interesting. One of our conversations - I am sure anyone listening would think I am insane….lol but…I can’t even explain how what he does makes me feel. It just feels very right. Everything he was saying to me, I could feel in the depths of my soul, was true… and right and I needed to hear and feel.

I have not done this in a while but I did the….wondering WHY I want to be treated like he treats me. And then as Sir Laz said…what is to wonder. I just need to know he does make me feel this way and I like it and need it.

I talked with Sir Laz and Aydeen yesterday. Sir Laz was helping me sort through things with me…he is very objective and I guess I feel he has the most unbiased, non-judgemental view to me right now. Lots of what he said I actually have heard before…from M. But Sir Laz did not know that. I felt clearer after talking to Sir Laz. I really appreciated his words and listening to me.

There were a few times where he said a slave does not…and I would read back what I had written to him. And agree with him.

It is so weird how my D/s has come to this even level… of what I thought D/s was and what it is actually to me NOW. I do worry about what people think of ME and what I do but I don’t. It is hard to explain. There are some people that affect me more…if I feel or think they disapprove or are disappointed in me I just get so upset. But then there are people who I am close to and even if they don’t like what I am doing….it does not affect me.

My D/s has changed so much though…being a slave means so much more to me then it did. I want to be a slave more then I think I ever have before.

I want to give so completely.

Last night I talked to Aydeen about losing myself in someone. I want that very much. I can see that happening to me very easily also…but at the same time I know I fight that.

I want to make Him my world. I want to give my body, mind, soul and heart…to Him. I want to serve and please and dedicate myself to becoming this thing I have always needed to be…a slave to a Master.