Well lets see where this takes me…
Okay nothing seems to want to come out today…sitting starring at the white blank document before me and all see are images from Sunday and then images that Monseigneur E has left me with after our conversations.
I look in the mirror and see the marks on my face. I feel good with them. I feel they allow me to be something I have wanted to be for so long. He is allowing me to be nothing. He believes I am. He showed me I am…and it felt very freeing. I was scared. My mind would go between should I run - because it is not “normal” to feel pain like this - it is not “normal” to let someone do what he did to me….and the other part of me felt so at home…like this was “normal” for me.
My mind….when I felt the zap of electricity on my soaking wet cunt…spun to a place of blankness. It was empty…of worries. It was just pain. I knew why I was feeling that kind of pain…I knew who I was… and where I belonged. My brain then would start to spin again and I would scream no more as the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was pure pain. Not pleasure. No orgasm from it. No masochist needs being taken care of in that moment. But it did unlock something. I felt it. And yet I don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Do I?
I get to this place of thinking about what happened and want to beg him to let me serve him…and I hold myself back. Because I also don’t know if I am thinking clearly…am I rebounding? I mean it could be that I am…I feel I am still attached to Monseigneur E in ways but others feel like I had to let it go…to keep going forward.
As usual my life has taken an unexpected turn…and now I will have a new set of circumstances to work out. At least I am not on a roller coaster though…those are the worst! : )
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