danae

I have had a blank document open all day. I feel it in the deepness of who I am….I feel so many things right now. Everytime I think of his words I start to get upset today. Why does he have such a hold on me and I never met him? Why do I let him affect MY life…so?

Because I want to submit to him….I am sure it is just that simple.

With Nick it is different. And I don’t like that it has changed. I know the reasons why it has….more then one there.

Last night Nick messaged me after reading my journal. He wanted to know what I had been keeping from everyone. And so I asked to call him. He was on his way to class so we only had a few minutes at that time. We talked later in the evening though. So, since I told Nick… I knew I had to come to face telling Monseigneur E. And I was dreading that. It turned out so far pretty much how I thought it would.

Nick and I had a long talk. And he was not happy with my answers. He still cares for me though. And still wants something with me.

I explained to him right now I am very frustrated with him… and with Monseigneur E. Even though I understand both their reasons why I have not been there to visit. It does not make it easier…really. I know that Monseigneur E wants to give me time when I am there and right now that would not be possible. And Nick well right now it is a financial thing for both of us really. And that is the bottom line on that. But he is beyond the time of wanting to meet and is just as frustrated about it as I am about it.

I told Mistress DM today also…and she and I talked about that is my life. She knows how I put stake into what my friends say. I want their opinions. I hear their opinions but in the end it is my choice and life and I don’t like having to go against what they say….because I worry about their reactions…worry if they will approve or disapprove. I value their opinions even if they are not what I want to hear or what I go with.

Sometimes they agree with me and sometimes they do not.

Hearing Monseigneur E’s words were very hard to hear. I knew they would be and even though I was avoiding telling him I did not avoid hearing what he had to say. I knew I needed to hear it. Because right now his opinion still has a lot of weight with me. I am still very much…wanting to submit to him.

He did not say anything “wrong” - or that I took “wrong” but it still upset me. I hung up the phone with him and cried. I don’t like that what he thinks still affects me so much.

When I made the decisions to play with M (new persons name in my journal from now on), I did it for reasons….1) all he said was true, 2) I needed something he could give me, 3) he is local. I am tired of things not working out with people long distance. And I did not think of anyone but me in the moment of saying yes lets get together.

He gives me things I need…what is wrong with that? I have felt things in the recent weeks that I have not felt before or felt in a very long time. What is wrong with that?

I am being “foolish” - that was one thing I was told….I don’t understand that….I don’t.

M and I talked for quite sometime before I decided to get together. Because I did have questions because….of the past. And he cleared those up for me….and after playing with him again…I know he will not emotionally damage me. He pushes me far but I trust him not to push me over or if he does…he will bring me back whole. I just know it.