danae

My mind is spinning out of control right now…

And the first thing that comes to mind is how much I would like pain. And I just had it last night so, you would think that I would not need it so soon.

Last night I had scene that was fairly intense in reaction…

I was tied down, blindfold, headphones (no music though just silence) and then breast bondage was done and pulling my tits up to a chain above the table I was tied to. It felt great. Just being tied down, blindfolded and the headphones were great. I could have just stayed that way for a while. The silence was incredible.

Several things were done…all turning me on…turning me on so that I had very intense orgasms…and even “squirted.” There was a knife being used on me…and it was a good mind f*ck. Even better then it has been in the past because…I was nicked the last time I played. And so knowing it COULD happen opposed to that it won’t happen because that person would never cut me has become an even bigger mind f*ck. The fear is cool : ) I was scared for a little bit that the person would stop because…I was saying no.

This is where the scene gets intense and not even sure the other word I want to describe it as…

I was saying no but I did not want him to stop. I was saying no but it was like I was deep inside screaming no….but it was like I was so far from what was going on. Almost like I was screaming no at something other then what was going on. I was almost outside myself but at the same time very aware of what was going on to me.

I am not even sure when the next part happened…what he was doing but I got angry. I got angry inside like I have never felt angry before. And I slammed my fist into the table – it the only part that could move. The anger welled up and I could not control it and I thought for a split second how good it was that I was restrained and then that anger just flooded through me and I felt overwhelmed by it. I had never felt anything like it before. And so it scared me. I started to sob from fear of it, just the feeling of anger; I just was so mad and wanted it all out. But then I realized I was probably freaking the people I was with…and so I sobbed I am sorry over and over again. And pushed it back in. I know not the thing I should have done.

I never let it out all the way. I never release all the way. But am glad the scene happened and some of it came out. We then kind of regrouped and then did another scene. He used things that I don’t really like…but I liked the pain. It hurt but it gave me parts of the pain that I needed. I just don’t feel like I take enough for the person I am playing with and wonder often what he gets out of playing with me.

I just had a nap and had a dream (that I have had before) where I was tied and I was being beat and it hurt so much. I was blindfolded, gagged, tied and Monseigneur E was beating me and I just had to endure it. Something I am not used to anymore. I used to be able to take so much more pain then I can now.

The pain that screamed through my body awoke all those boxes that I keep so locked up tight and he just kept going unlocking them one by one….each scream I had grew more and more intense. As I was releasing all of it….

I wanted to beg for mercy asking him to stop, I wanted to scream at him full of anger telling him to stop, I wanted to cry and no say anything just let the tears come out and hope that he did not stop so that it could come out….to the point of exhaustion.

I fear that dream so much. I have had it before and feared it just as much as I do now.

The pain in it…is not pain for pain really. Even though I want the pain to feel the pain today and that is why I think I had that dream. And it is not a craving of pain that is pleasurable that gives me sexual gratification. This is a different pain. I don’t know what the name of this pain is…but I get this feeling often.

I have quite a bit to do this week. I have lunches with a few people, need to work on planning committee things. I need to get some thoughts in order to have a conversation with someone that I want to have and get that in its place but I also dread.

I need to have a talk with Monseigneur E…as I have been putting that off too.

This coming up weekend is going to be so busy so I have to get things done so that I can relax and enjoy those things.