danae

This week has been an okay week. I was not thrilled with some points of it.

I want what I always have wanted….a Master. I want a Master who is sadistic but I want more then that…I want someone I can surrender to completely. There is a lot more to this….I want to be able to be me….and want someone who wants me to be me.

I feel very frustrated and pulled in many directions. I have feelings for Nick that are still very strong. I have feelings for Monseigneur E and he still affects me as a submissive. I have feelings for M. I feel this thing click in me when I am with him. He seems to access parts of me that I pushed down and tried to pretend were not there or not “that” dark.

We all have different aspect to our personality….there are common threads that are through us that are the core. So like at work you might be more reserved, but your core beliefs are still there…your integrity and honor. You might be able to let go a little more with friends and then…with your spouse, significant other you are able to just be. And that part of me….is not a part I let show to many people because it is the part that desires to surrender and be nothing. And it makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable to that person. So trust is VERY important.

Analogy that came to mind….a kaleidoscope. The little pieces of glass in it are all traits of our personality. You spin it and all those pieces come together and people at work see that image. Spin it again all those pieces come together forming yet a different picture…and that is how we are with friends. And spin it again and put in the situation and that is how we are in that situation. So we are always ourselves…it is just is a different perspective.

I want to have someone come and pull the kaleidoscope open and look at the pieces. Accept those pieces….and want to let those pieces come together in a way to be really the me I have always needed to be.

It takes trust….to get to that point. Trust in all areas…not just some.

M gets physical trust. And Nick and Monseigneur E get emotional trust. Now I just need to trust someone with both….

Can I even do that?

I wonder. I want to VERY much….I know that.

I have been told many times my life is chaotic. I understand that. I have lots of things going on. But it does not “feel” chaotic. And when I look at it…there are many times it does not look very chaotic to me. But I am used to it maybe. I don’t want chaos but I guess I am used to it.

Just to clarify before I say this…there are LOTS of reasons I want to surrender to someone. This what I am mention is just something I think and feel….when I think of surrender.

I feel free of the chaos when I surrender. When I was M 2 weeks ago, all the chaos was gone. Nothing mattered but him and I and the thoughts, feelings and sensations of that time. Was it just an escape? I don’t think so. I believe that when I surrender everything empties out and makes sense. And the chaos…does not just leave but it is not there because then I am in the place I need to be.

About a year before I moved to Cleveland, my life started to be chaotic….basically it all started when I started looking for an owner.

I know I justify my chaos right now. I justify it because it….is not nearly like it was…and so that makes me feel good. Because I do eliminate things that….are harmful.

I am not sure I am making much sense right now. Just writing…babbling.

I guess what I believe is that when I am owned…and surrender…the chaos will end because I will be who I have always needed to be….

Well nothing like a good dose of honesty with myself….lol

I wish without doubts I could go to the coffee shop tomorrow. But I can’t. Life has to many gray areas to make it that simple right now.