danae

Time to write.....lol (okay it took me more then an hour...damn it is 3 pages long...so what do you expect especially with the feelings I am having)

I have been at Moni's since Tuesday evening. Her, a couple other friends and myself went to dinner and then to see White Oleander on Tuesday.

One of the first lines in the movie was....

"Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

Isn't that a marvelous line? LOL :) yummy!

Wednesday then I hung out at Moni's during the day. I saw Monseigneur E online but decided we need a little space before chatting again after our talk on Tuesday. That talk is still affecting me. I have written quite a bit about it in my offline journal because I had to get the feelings out. I have seen Linda on also and not messaged basically because of the same reason. I need to start distancing. I was hoping I would have his help with that and that was the whole point of me starting that discussion the other day. But it did not end up that way. *shrugs*

I talked to M about it. He listened but he does not know much about Monseigneur E and Linda so really did not offer advice or opinions. Nick read my journal entry and was concerned so asked me to call him.

I then went to Katrina's Wedneday night to hang out and talk. Then today I went to Cleveland, ran errands and then spent the afternoon with M...which I will talk about later! I am a happy little girl tonight. :)

Things I have been thinking about….expressing feelings/projecting feelings….

I think there is a difference between expressing feeling and projecting feelings. I am very aware of those types of things…projecting feelings, passive/aggressive and manipulation. I can look back at times in my life where I did one or all those things and I don’t want to repeat those behaviors. Now I express my feelings, something I did not do in the past. I try never to say YOU ARE….insert negative adjective, because to ME that is projecting. Saying I feel...is not projecting.

Being a slave….

I am not sure why but it is like a light bulb has went on with me recently...I understand what it means to be a slave. Can I explain it? LOL no not yet. I never thought I was as slave but felt I could be….and now…I know I can be it is just going to take LOTS of hard work. But it is really what I desire. When M and I talk about Master/slave relationships, it just fits in so right with what I have always felt and thought…it just makes sense to me.

WOW…it would be so incredible if I really could get to that point. I want it so very very much.

Today…*big smiles*
I know I float around on cloud 9 after seeing M. I look like a silly little girl. It is hard….I cry…I fight…and yet….it is the most incredible thing I think I have ever experienced.

Today we met and he took me to the horse races….something I had not done before. I did not do anything but watch him but I enjoyed it. I just was so thrilled to be with him I know I probably would have been happy watching grass grow LOL :) But going and doing that which I have never done – and then doing it with him and watching him…was very nice.

The Dominance is incredible. I have never had anyone do Dominance like he does…it is always there...I mean always! Even when he is sitting having a conversation about the horses it was there.

The problem we are having right now…I fear him. I don’t fear that he will damage me or do permanent harm. The fear is so many things…it is fear of just anticipation of what will come next, fear of where he will take me this time, fear of not having control, and what seems to be a big one for me right now just fear of the pain. And what is up with that?

I know what is up with that…M has given me pain like I have not had since I was 18 and with Don. The pain is same, but not the relationship just to put a warning here : )

The fear does not make me run…the fear is just an emotion…not actually what I want as I don't want to run. I mean when I think of the pain he is giving me right now…he has given me worse so I logically know I can handle it. But it is…so hard right now to take the pain. I mean it hurts in a different way. So I have been fearing it…and I get so scared that I make myself sick.

So, M talked about it with me and he has a solution we are going to work on this weekend. I mean the fear does not make me run. Afterwards I feel this high…and it is like I have been floating on cloud 9 and I don’t even go to subspace with him. It is almost like I am in subspace afterwards, because the emotional masochism kicks in. When I just feel it all and enjoy it, after the fear and pain. I don’t know if I am making sense.

I fear so much, but I need to be there so much to feel that fear. I needed him today. I needed him is the only way I can describe it too. He asked me if I wanted to leave a few times….and I said no each time even though the fear was just racing through me….but I needed him so much I knew I could not leave….it would just leave me empty.

His Dominance makes me not want to run. It makes me want to take the pain. It makes me want to beg for the pain even though I have not been able to do that because yet because the fear ends up stopping me.

When I got in the car, he pulled my hair. When we were at the races, he would say, “come” (to follow) and “stay here.” When we went to eat, I was not allowed to open the menu. He ordered for me. He was commanding, but so himself…telling me stories and jokes. It was so natural. I don’t understand how he does that….but I like it. I feel my submission just open up and want to pour out. It is nice to submit to someone right here. But I hold I still hold some back. 

I really hate the fearing the fear. Because today was painful but it is something I should have been able to take better. And I fought it. I fought him and I feel so bad about that. I just want to learn to be good, accept the brutality, and not fight him.

Skipping some aspect of today that I need to right now, but I stripped right away and he had me bend over he spanked me hard. He kicked my cunt. I fell to my knees and he yelled at me to stand up straight and not go to my knees. He did it again and then the fear took over. Ugghh I am so mad at myself. Some more things happened and some more things...and then he wrote on me. I am not going to say what he wrote on me because I want it for me and only me, but it made me feel good in the way that again it feels natural like it is really me. Then some more things happened and some more. And finally he fucked me in the ass. I then gave him a massage and we talked about the fear. I then begged him to kick my cunt. Something he wanted me to do. 

He give me lessons I need to learn with him. Such as don’t tell him something will hurt…because he will show me something that hurts more. Don’t say no…because he will do it more. Don’t try to fight or he will push it harder.

I like that he does not let me have control even when it is my emotions reacting not really what I want or think.

I mean I fight sometimes because of natural instinct, but when he tells me to stop I do. So, it is not me fighting to fight…it is me fighting because my brain says you are not getting air…get air…so hands come up to fight him. Or my brain telling me whatever it being "attacked" to make it stop. So instincts kick in.

I feel like all the words I could ever say are never going to explain what happens when I am with him. They never are going to explain the pain I feel…the fear I feel…and the calmness too.

Makes me think of that quote in White Oleander….."Belonging to her was so dangerous it made me feel safe."

What I have craved for years is…to feel like I did when with Don….the good aspects of Don. And M brings me to it…and past it….and I am flying high tonight because of him….and all the while remember who I am….to him….nothing. I am valued...with him though...he is showing me that too. I am valued toy to abuse. :)

It is a GREAT feeling!