danae

I think I have most of the blogger changes done…I am sure I will do some tweaking here and there. : ) Things I need to do is finish getting my archives up. And it is about that time for a cast list change. I think I am going to get rid of old names…those that I don’t mention anymore. There are a few of those names though that impacted my life enough that they will stay on that list always. And I will probably add a name or two.

This week actually has been really good for me - despite having my period and feeling like crap from it lol

I have felt very focused. I made a list of everything I need to get my butt in gear on. And I felt less stress this week. And I think it is due to my playing on Sunday. I know Saturday night playing helped too…Saturday was more for fun…and Sunday was more of a catharsis. I needed to go through what I did though on Sunday…kind of like a shedding of old skin.

I still have lots to work out in my life. I still want to submit to Monseigneur E but I believe fully that now is not the time. And if we get that chance ever…I am very unsure about. Linda and I talked the other night. She talked with me like her friend…like the friend I was before I submitted to her Master. And I was happy about that. I hope her and I move back to being friends like we were....before.

I sat here for about 5 mins wonder if I should have posted that. I hate that I go up and down about what I post about…I am neurotic : )

Well, I had been really depressed about my birthday but now I am kind of happy it is here…only thing that sucks is I started getting a cold yesterday and now it has hit me harder today. Moni is having a little party for me tonight and so I am hoping I feel better. I do feel a lot better then I did this morning and even before lunch. : )

So I do have a few topics I want to ramble about…

Slaves being burnt out…

It seems like so many slaves I talk to lately are burnt out. And not sure that is the right word for everyone. But so many are feeling very similar things and that is the closest thing I can compare it too. The pain I am feeling from the slaves I am talking is so intense. I remember how that felt to be in similar situation…and what to do for a solution just seems no where to be found.

How does a relationship not get to that point is what I want to know. And I am probably being judgmental… I put a lot of on the Master. Because it seems to me the Dominants don’t feel like putting the energy into giving that boost back to get the slave back out of that slump.

Last night we had a Girl’s Night Out (GNO) and it made me think of the first GNO I went to. I was owned…and I was just so relieved to be able to be with a bunch of women and not have to serve and not have to anticipate and be on it. I was able to wear panties, I was able to wear sweats, I was able to wear a t-shirt and I could just be…and I was so tired then…that it was like a mini-vacation even though it was only one night.

I mean isn’t that sad that one night meant so much to me?

Visible Mark – specifically facial bruising…

Okay next topic I am taking this personally I know I am …

I started a thread on a local list and I feel like got a little out of control. I started the topic and put myself out there...I just did not think I would be judged so by those who know me. It is silly but those on a national list were okay with it. Did not hear much back…but those that were local acted like I murdered someone.

I have bruises on my face. And I love them. It is not something I would want everyday. But they mean something to me.

Mostly people were upset I would expose children to my bruises. My argument being then…okay when I was moving I had boxes fall on me and I had a bruise on my forehead and lots of them on my body does that mean I hide from the world with those? Just because I got the bruises from play why does it make any difference?

The grocery store clerk is going to look at my bruises on my face right now and not think much differently then she would with the bruise I got from the box falling on me when I moved.

Also if the grocery store clerk thinks I am abused…so what. I am not and if she cares to ask I will be happy to say no I am not and that the bruises are okay with me. If I were to be questioned further…I am out and open about my lifestyle and I am happy to discuss it with others.

As far as exposing children…the children I am around have not said anything and if they would. I would assure them I am okay and if they thought it was from abuse I would again assure them I am okay. That no one is hurting me.

There were many more things said and all of them pretty much irritated me. And not that they irritated me because they disagreed with me, what got to me is that they made me seem like what I am doing is WRONG and what they are doing is RIGHT. And who is to judge that…in BDSM we all have our own kinks. I hate tickling. It is a limit. It goes back to my childhood and I so I hate to be tickled. I don’t tell anyone else they are wrong to be tickled. That it could traumatize them just because it is not good for me.

The Sadist put the bruises on my face was very controlled in how he did it. And did it very purposefully. It was done under the BDSM communities’ slogan – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). (I prefer RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.)It wasn't out of control rage punching me. At least it didn't seem that way to me.

Next topic...Nick...

I got an email the other night from Nick after he read my journal. The email touched me. He expressed many things again that I did not know he felt. He ended up calling me the next day and we talked for a long time. He made me laugh and smile something he does very well.

I am going to need a name for the new person...even though he not new in my life. We have talked a little bit every day.

I think about what happened Sunday and it...scares me that when I think of it...it makes me feel good. And people read that probably think what are you complaining about that for...

Because what was done to me…was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The whole time I was with him it was full of fear and my body reacted. I was so wet…I don’t know if I ever been that wet before. I felt it all over my thighs. But here I don’t get this...I was not turned on mentally...I felt the pain and fear. I just felt it permeate my whole body…as I curled into a little ball after punch, kick, slaps, zaps of electricity…everything he did to me made me fall over...and go into this emptiness of pain and fear. Only thing in that moment was him and the pain and the fear. I did not feel anything else in the moment. And for a girl whose mind and feelings don’t slow down…it was an incredible feeling.Just to feel those things. I know that must sound odd.

He humiliated me. And told me who I was…and made me *know* it through my body...


And I think of the pain and how I suffered and I crave it...crave to suffer again....

Why do I crave something like that again?

I remember when I first realize there words like painslut and masochist. It made me feel so much better about myself and not worry about that I liked pain so much. Made me stop trying to figure why I was this way...

And now I almost feel I am going through this all again… like I am new and experiencing pain for the first time...

I said it was shedding...I did I shed a layer of old skin....something I am not.... to expose the person I am more…not a person most would want to be…

But I want to be nothing so much...