danae

I have had a busy weekend. :)

Friday night Moni got some friends together to celebrate my birthday. We went to dinner and then went and have a private little party at the space. The person I have been kind of seeing was at both.

I had a very nice time yet was very nervous because he was there. I knew everyone would kind of be “watching us.” And so it was a little nerve racking.

But I was very happy to be spending my birthday with good friends.

At the space…he would use an implement on me hard and then stop and we would sit and talk and then he would use something else on me. I have lots of bruises. He used toys that were the most sever. He use most the full force...even though he was holding himself back in how hard He plays. I have bruises scattered all over my body.

There are things he and I talk about that seem really on it. And then there is something else there that makes me question what I am doing. I was talking to someone last night that was at my party on Friday night. I was worried she was upset with me. She is someone I really respect and look up to. I value her opinion a lot. I value all my friends’ opinions but she is a Dominant and I needed that perspective. Specifically her perspective. Her issues were clear and I understood them. And it has given me lots to think about.

Last night….

I am not even sure what I write about last night. It was SMART and we had someone come in and talk that I respect and admire. His topic was very interesting. He is a very interesting man and I had trouble relaxing around him. I felt like….I was going to screw something up. And I hate when I get that way. But I understand why I felt that way. I want something and he is the only one that can grant me permission to have it.

I got a very cool birthday present from him. I hope to feel it used on me sometime soon. It is a strap. I suppose I should ask if I can use his name here and put his website on my links because he makes very good quality leather goods. Actually they are so good that when I have given gifts…lifestyle gifts….his products are what I give.

I am very upset with myself about a few things….you would think this submissive thing would get easier as the years go on lol

Last night I felt compelled to do something and I held back. Why? Because I was scared. Because I was scared of what it meant, how he would take it and what would happen then. So I did not hold myself up to my expectations of who I want to be…and that annoys me…it feel like an integrity issue almost. With Monseigneur E I finally have started getting that anytime I hold back that it was only harming me. But it is still a lesson that….I guess I am trying to get through this thick skull.

There are lots of things going on in my head. I don’t like that it is spinning all over the place today.